Half a Year

Isn't it funny that when you're in the thick of something difficult, something you may not be particularly excited about, 6 months can feel like a lifetime. Or when you are excitedly anticipating something 6 months away, it may feel excruciating.
But if it's the opposite... if you're happily moving through life, if everything is as it should be, time flies faster than the speed of light. It seems to go just as fast if something you dread is coming up in 6 months.

I'm having a hard time grasping the fact that Trey has been in the states for about 6 and a half months and back with our family for just about 6 months. A half of a year. In some ways, it seems like such a long time. It feels like he was never gone. We've had little quirks we've had to work out, but in most ways, in the important ways, he just fit right back in and him being away doesn't even seem like it was a real thing. (I'm sure he would say differently)

When I think about the rhythm we've fallen into, our day-to-day life, it feels like it's been a long time. When I carelessly and without a second thought shoot him a text during the day or he calls during lunch, I feel like we've been doing that forever. When we settle down to watch our shows at night (or A show.. let's be real.. we're too tired to stay up past 9) it sure doesn't feel like there was this big blip in time where we didn't do that. *Fun fact, he was just sitting next to me, reading this and spilled his very cold water all over my lap. Like it jumped out of his hand and splashed all over me. And he laughed (while apologizing). Are you supposed to want to strangle your husband that's only been home 6 months??*

But it's ONLY been 6 months.

These two have only known each other for that long. And you'd never guess it. They are thick as thieves. That little boy's eyes light up when he sees his Daddy. Both boys wait anxiously by the door when they known he's come home. The time has just flown by. Six months is nothing and yet I sometimes already find myself taking his presence for granted.

It sure didn't seem like a small amount of time while he was gone. It seemed impossible. It was miserable at times. Time crawled slower than a snail. And now I find myself wanting it to slow down just a little. Time is a relative little thing, isn't it?

Best Laid Plans

I should have known. I should have known better than to get my hopes up that my husband would be coming home early. I should have known that it doesn't mean anything if you have orders. When he laid out the time frame of his deployment for me and said it was a sure thing because.. hey.. orders have been cut... I should have told myself, that doesn't mean jack. I should have NEVER put my written out countdown at 134 days. We're dealing with the Army. I should have known better than to get my hopes up about any plan that we helped put together.

Before this deployment rolled around, Trey was given orders for a Career Course date. That date being mid-September. Selfishly, I was ELATED. Beyond elated. This meant he'd have to come home early enough to out-process from Ft. Bliss, take his 30 day leave, get to Oklahoma and find a house. And things were going swimmingly. In fact, just a week ago he got word that his last day of work over there would be June 15th and he'd be back in the states by the end of June. We were so excited. He was counting down how many weeks he had left. I was making plans to go out.. by myself!!!... to see him for a 4 day weekend so we could get reacquainted (get your minds out of the gutter) without the pressure of taking care of two little boys. So excited. The time left seemed manageable.

Then I woke up to a lovely little message yesterday morning that he had some bad news. I knew before even asking. It was all too good to be true. Someone up at Brigade changed his orders. Put him in the Career Course in November so he can ride out the whole deployment. Which, had that been the plan from the beginning, wouldn't even have been a thing. I don't want it to sound like he's a shammer. You just get your hopes up and get used to a certain idea, ya know?

I was devastated and actually went through a few stages of grief.

At first I was so sad and disappointed that it was hard to grasp for air through the tears. You may as well of just ripped my heart out of my chest. 6 more months seems SO. MUCH. LONGER. than 4 more months. The daily countdown was becoming easier to look at. There was an end in sight. I was getting to the giddy stage of deployment. Now it just seems unreachable again. I won't visit him until September. We won't be together again until mid-October. Depressing. So far away. He's going to miss so much more. He'll miss Andrew's 3rd birthday. He left a young toddler. He's coming home to a 3 year old and a 8 month old that he's never met. 2 and 6 months didn't sound quite as bad. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but when I thought about Andrew and Trey becoming accustomed to each other again, doing it in August sounded doable. For some reason, I'm worried about it now that it's two months later. I'm sure this all sounds irrational.

I quickly moved to anger. WHO just switches orders like that? *I know.. I know.. I know who can and will do that. Go with me here.. I was livid and not thinking clearly*
What I am still holding onto anger about, though, is that I don't see what the need for it is. He'll be moved from his BN around the time he was supposed to come home. But, get this, for what? No plan. No specific plan for him. AKA.. no specific reason to keep him there. The only thing I can make of it, is that I know how hard he works and I know how incredible his work ethic is. I'm not just saying this because he's my husband, but I know he works harder than 99% of people around him. And that's not a dig against everyone else. That's just how much he puts on himself. So of course they're going to keep him. He carries a lot of the weight and in my little ol' mind that should be rewarded by sticking to his orders.. but who am I?

I then moved into where I am now and where it sounds like Trey is as well. Reluctant Acceptance. There's nothing we can do to change this. I can't sit around pissed off for 6 more months. I have to look at the bright side. I have to find the good. So, I'll make the most out of the time I have with family and friends here. I know that a few months after leaving again and the novelty of living with Trey again wears off, I'll miss everyone back here. Deeply. So I'll soak up this time.
I have more time to work on my fitnasss. I have a membership to Gold's while I'm here. I can work out as much as I want.. and.. bonus.. they watch my kids! I've been averaging 3 times a week. I'm doing it for myself, don't get me wrong. I feel better when I work out (obvious) and I want to look good in my clothes for me. I want more energy when playing with the kids. But what a great bonus it would be for my husband to say, "dayyummmm girl" when he sees me for the first time. Well, I have two more months to work on getting that reaction.
And, of course, there's two more months of deployment pay. I'd rather have my husband, but I'll take it.

I went through the stages rather quickly. This all happened in the matter of two hours. But that's what I do. That's what I have to do. In the Army, there aren't many aspects of life that you have control over. You're at the mercy of the big machine's whims. The only thing I CAN control is my attitude and outlook. So, go ahead Army. Throw whatever you want at me. I may throw a temper tantrum, but just give me a little bit of time. I'll come around. I'll support my husband and be more proud of him than most people can even fathom. I'll wait for him and make sure his kids always remember who he is and keep him in conversation every day. And we'll get him back. Just a little later than expected. And that's okay... I guess.

As hard as this is on me, I know it's 10 times harder on Trey. He's working so hard every single day of the week and hardly resting. I get to see joy on my son's face when we go to places like the park, Chucky Cheese or Monkey Joes and no matter how sad I am, his smile lights my heart up. I get newborn snuggles throughout the day and get to witness a whole 'nother little being's milestones. He's missing out on all of that. So if you don't mind, and when you think of it, say a prayer for him. He could use a little extra help getting past this setback. We'd both really appreciate it!

Sunday Morning

I don't usually get the urge to write on the weekend, but there is something peaceful and perfect about this morning and my fingers were itching to get to typing. There's nothing specific I want to talk about, I sometimes just get that urge. You know, right? I know I'm not the only one...

I'm surprised that I'm feeling this good this morning. All signs point to a crappy attitude. I should be a miserable wretch.

I'm so sick of never hearing from Trey. I guess I shouldn't say never, but no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for this, I guess deep down, I still thought we'd be able to talk more. I hear from him, on average, twice a week. I never know when. I send email after email that is never responded to. Because when he does have the time to send a quick message or make a very quick call, there's not time. It's rushed and we're both in a frenzy to get as much in as we can. I feel like it's never a quality conversation. He's so busy.. so so busy.. so I don't hold it against him. He's working 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. He's been sick since he's gotten there and is just now starting to feel better. So I know. I know it's hard for him and I know there are extenuating circumstances right now - that I really hope clear up fast! So I still hold out hope. I hope that once their big issue resolves itself that we can talk more. But this ish is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. Because there's nothing that can prepare you for not being able to call your best friend to talk about all of life's little or big moments when you used to be able to call whenever you wanted. I all too often find myself picking up the phone, wanting to call him, then realizing there's nothing I can do about it. I just wait for my phone to ding with an email alert or ring with some strange unknown number. And nothing can prepare you for the worry that settles into your heart, for me, around day 2 of not hearing from him. Because while you know everything is probably okay and he is most likely perfectly safe, WHY HAVEN'T YOU HEARD FROM HIM?
So - that's taking a toll on me, for sure. I know a lot of my friends can relate at the moment! One day at a time, right? And that reunion gets closer and closer day by day... no matter how far away it seems right now.

Sheww... I didn't think that would be so long winded. I really just meant to type up a few sentences.

Also, I'm constantly in a state of exhaustion. I spend the day thinking I'll go to sleep as soon as Andrew does. But he goes down and insomnia hits. I finally fall asleep somewhere between 11 and midnight, which is very late for me.. and wake up roughly 3 times a night.. never being able to just fall right back asleep.

Then, Andrew woke up at 7 instead of 8. So I lost another hour.

And you already know how uncomfortable I am, so I don't need to go on about that. I'm sure you can imagine.

I don't mean to make this into a complain-fest. All that to say, for some unknown reason, I feel good this morning. I'm relaxed. And dare I say... happy?
Yes, Andrew woke up early, but we used that time to snuggle in bed and watch cartoons. By snuggle I mean he was a wiggly mess and I get a few seconds here and there of cuddling, but it was still good.
Now we're in the living room and everyone else is still asleep. I have my coffee and Andrew is playing with trains, pick-up trucks and police cars. It just seemed like the perfect time to write. Something about that first cup of coffee and a quiet morning. It screamed WRITE IN YOUR BLOG to me.

I don't have anything at all planned for us today. I've been on the go too much for the past two days, so today we'll just rest. And play. And watch the Patriots. Happy Sunday everyone!

Day 5

Day 5 - How hopeless does that sound? Especially since I don't know how many days we have. I won't dwell on how badly this sucks, how nothing could have prepared me for this (no matter how well I thought I was prepared), how it feels like I may have an ulcer by the end of it, or how many times a day I look at my phone checking to see if I somehow missed a call/email/fb message from him. No. I won't focus on any of that.

I'll let you know that we're hanging in there. We're both pretty settled at my parents house. I feel very much at home and I think it's safe to say Andrew does as well. He has a definite separation in his head about his and Mama's house and Daddy's house. I can't begin to guess what a 2-year old understands in this situation. He knows he is far away working and helping people, but I also think he still thinks Daddy is at our old house too.
I've decided I have sensory issues since being here. My brother drives me crazy when he eats his ice cream 5 out of 7 nights a week. The slurping, spoon clanging and jaw cracking. They watch crazy movies like Cast Away... if I hear water sploshing around for one more second I'm going to jump from the roof. The dog and her licking/scratching. It's all just too much. But when the sounds get overwhelming, I can just go up to my room. It's nice to have my own little space in a house with all these noises.

Trey sent videos of himself reading to Andrew along with the books for us to follow along. We've gotten to listen to him read for the last two nights and it's been great. Andrew's a little confused, but for the most part it's such a great thing! The smile on his face is priceless while he's listening to him. He just thinks Trey can hear him talk back to him and I have to explain that he cannot. We'll get there though!

Christmas had it's tough moments, but overall was a great day. Andrew was so much fun this year. It was a little overwhelming for him, so we did have to take it slow. We didn't finish opening presents until almost bedtime! He now has way too many toys.

I'm so ready to be done with this pregnancy. I won't go into all the details, but we can just leave it at I'm extremely uncomfortable. I'm ready to meet this sweet boy. Yet another reason I'm thankful to be with my family! They are such a great help with Andrew!

So, to sum it up, because I feel like this is a jumbled mess, we're okay. I'd kill for more reliable communication. I would give anything for a broken up, horribly connected, 3 minute long conversation. I miss him like crazy. It feels like it will never end. But I'm busy. And Andrew keeps me smiling every day. And I'm enjoying living with my family.
I'm going to set goals for myself once the baby gets here. I'll set big ones and smaller ones so I have something to help mark the time. I just have to come up with them :)  It's fun putting together care packages, so that helps too!

I hope you all had a great Christmas! I hope to get back to more regular, positive blogging soon!!

Cuts Like a Knife (this is a doozy of a post)

Hey civilians, want to know how crappy your health care will be once we move to a socialized medical world? Go visit an Army doctor.

While such a broad statement may not be completely fair, in my circumstances right now, I can say that. Let's get into my story of the day...

As we all know, I've moved away from Fort Bliss and am now living with my parents in a town that while it does have an Army post, it's just a training post and doesn't have the big amenities the larger places have. Basically, all that means is that I had to get a referral to see a civilian OB and get to deliver at a normal hospital.
Today, I met with my new doctor for the first time and SERIOUSLY??? I didn't know what I was missing. I had no idea that the level of care that I received today even existed.

Here's what I'm used to...

5 minute long appointments that consist of this same dialog every. single. time.
Nurse (N): Do you have a history of anxiety or depression?
N: Do you have thoughts of killing or hurting yourself or others?
N: Does your husband abuse you mentally or physically?
Blah blah blah. You'll have to answer questions that should be clearly stated in your records every single time you go in there.
Then they'll listen to the babies heartbeat and say, "sounds good". You'll have to ask what the heart rate was and she'll give you somewhat of a range... never an exact number.
The doctor will come in and glance over your charts. She'll ask you if you have any concerns. Then she'll tell you when to come back and your donezo. Make sure you bring a list of questions because you won't remember them when they make you feel so rushed to get the hell out of their office.

Here's what I got today...

The lady at the front desk recognized me immediately. She knew exactly who I was even though I was in there only once... over a week ago.. for a total of 5 minutes tops.
My mom and I walked back when we were called, thinking it was just the nurse, when in reality it was an angel from God telling me she was going to give me an Ultrasound! Just because! She spent so much time with us and even switched it over to 3D occasionally to let us really see him. Of course, he had his hand spread across his face, so we never did see any facial features, but that's not her fault.

Sweet little ear and his arm covering his face

 Next, I had my vitals taken where.... get this... there was a urine sample collected. Do y'all know that I have never once had to pee in a cup while pregnant. I didn't even know that was a thing until a recent conversation with my SIL. When I asked my Army doc about it, she said they figured that was a good way to cut back on costs. Ohh... okay.

Then we met with my saint of a doctor, who probably took up a half hour of his day just talking with me. He cared about what was going on in my life, wanted to know where I came from before getting here. He actually really read those things called records and didn't need to ask me unnecessary questions. He saw that I had a horrific birth with Andrew and when he didn't get enough answers from said records, he put them down and told me to tell him all about it. Then gave me tissues while I cried in his office. Then, and most importantly, he was honest with me.
He told me how likely the complications we had last time were to happen all over again. He told me he wouldn't be comfortable helping us with a natural birth and would, in fact, actually be scared for me and the baby.

He asked me how I would feel about scheduling a C-Section. (Hence the title). And not because he regularly pushes them or because he wants to fit me conveniently into his schedule. But because he took the time to go over our case and wants to help us do what is best of us. And because he saw how anxious I was over the same things happening with Wes. 
Our last hospital wasn't very forthcoming with information about Andrew's birth... I learn something new all the time. What I learned this time, from looking at the records I had to request, was that Andrew was stuck in the birth canal because his shoulder couldn't make it past my pubic bone (sorry I had to use the word pubic, but there was no way around it). And while they let him sit there and try to work it out on his own for an hour, I also had a pretty bad fever. I don't know that it'll ever truly sink in how close we were to losing him. I can't do that with this baby. It's technical term is Shoulder Dystocia and can be deadly for the baby. And if it happens once, it's likely to happen again.
Why did no one tell me about this? And why was this hospital going to let me go through it all over again? Same place, same doctors. Really?

So, C-Section it is for me! We'll get it scheduled at my next appointment, but it looks like it'll be done January 31st. How weird will it be to know when my baby is coming?? I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. While a c-sec comes with it's own set of concerns, they are concerns for myself.. not my baby. And that?? The fact that I'm not worried about losing this baby anymore? Is worth it's weight in gold!

I'd love any tips from any of y'all that have had c-sections! Any recovery tips or even just what to expect before/during/after the procedure would be great!
 

Doubts

I'm sure this is normal... I think at least. Who knows what's normal anymore. But I'm having HUGE, like big fat huge doubts about going back home for this deployment. I was so sure of this decision. I knew I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure anymore.

First and foremost, I can't help but feel I'm leaving my friends when they need me most. We're all going through this together and I'm just over here all, "peace out!!". I should be with them. We need each other. I know I'm replaceable.. I know there are others here, I'm not leaving anyone on their own. But I want to be here with them. I want to be here for play dates, to be a shoulder to cry on, to celebrate countdowns, to have dinner with when they don't want to eat alone for one.more.night, you get the point. I hope I can do well at being supportive from afar!

I don't know if it was the smartest move to give up our house. This is our space and we're comfortable here. Andrew's stuff was all in it's place. I can walk around without a bra on if I want. (and I want). We do as we please.. it's home. I feel like this part of the deployment would have been much easier had we not decided to move me home. Obviously.

A few months ago, I was dying for a break from living on an Army post. I was sick of pulling my ID out everywhere we went. I was tired of driving so slow that I could walk faster, and if I saw ONE MORE TINY BIT OF CAMO....
Now, I'm clinging to any little bit of it. Maybe that would have been a nice little reminder while he is gone. Maybe some familiarity would have done me good. I'll miss all of the "welcome home" signs, yellow ribbons and day-to-day ceremonies out on the parade field.

But, I don't know... I think maybe my mind is just clinging on to anything it can. At this point, I just have to trust that I'm doing the right thing. I'll be glad to have family around when I'm going into labor that's for sure! And for just day to day life. I know I'll be thankful for them. It'll be cheaper, that's for sure, and I feel like I'm contributing to our family by being able to pay down debt and build a hefty savings account.  But, I also sort of feel like I'm not being as supportive to Trey as I could be by going home. But I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there.

That's about all I have at this point. I'm surprised I was able to semi-decently put some real thoughts down in all reality.

We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. There I feel better already.....

Distraction

Here's what I really want to talk about -

I'm moving in 2 weeks. Is this really my life? Is this for real? Do I really have to say goodbye to my husband for an undisclosed amount of time? Is he really going to tuck his son into bed for the last time in a while and I'm really going to have to watch a grown man cry? This can't be real.

I'm having a hard time keeping it together. Don't get me wrong, when he's home, he's home and we're enjoying every minute together as a family. And that part is wonderful. But, please, pay me no mind if you see me out alone and have random tears in my eyes. Or better yet, come up to me and assure me this will be over before we know it. Sitting by myself at the hospital lab, for instance. It's just that I can't get the image of my husband hugging and kissing my son for the last time out of my head. That's enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

 Jaci Greggs Photography

I could keep this blog post all on one neat, tidy topic and end it here, but I don't want to leave it in a place of funk. So let's talk about something else. Something happy. Let's talk about Andrew and what he's been up to. *Don't look surprised, you know it's my favorite subject*

So this is what I'll talk about instead - 

First of all, I'm able to work on this post in my favorite element (coffee nearby, jammies still on, the early morning sun peaking in through the blinds, and it's dead SILENT) because it's 7:15am and he's STILL SLEEPING. Do you hear the choir of angels singing?? This is unheard of. So, thank you baby!

Moving on...

He's talking up a storm. That's such a given at this point, even. When he first started, I was keeping up with a list to see how many words he had. I was able to do that for about 2 weeks before it became useless and I couldn't keep up. I ADORE the fact that he talks to us like a regular little human.
Full, complete sentences with his own little mixups added in:

• He refers to himself as "you". Funny story to go with that. Our friend Fritz was over playing in the backyard with him last week (God love him). They both came in and Fritz was confused thinking that Andrew wanted him to have some water. Probably because Andrew looked at him and said, "get you some water please". No, he really meant himself. Get Andrew some water. 
• His favorite show right now is Super Why. Sidenote: this is such a great show! He calls it Super Why-er and I think it's adorable. 
• As is the way he says noodles. "noo-noos". I've yet to correct him and, in fact, that's what we now call noodles in our house. 

Then he comes out with these big sentences/words that are said perfectly. It sounds so funny/adorable coming out of his little mouth.
We were at the doctor the other day when the doc asked him what he did this morning. He looked at him and said, "I went to the playground yesterday".
Right now he's drawing with my pencil. He just said, "I draw a submarine". Oh.. okay hun.. draw on!

Some of his key phrases lately have been:
"Oooh what is that?" (100 times a day.. I know he knows what that tree is!)
He'll mumble something that you can't understand, then say, "don't say that", while scrunching up his face and laughing.
"Uh-ohhh". Anytime something even remotely is a little off or goes wrong. 
"Loves you Mama/Daddy". Melt.
A big hearty, "OKAYYY", when we ask him if he wants to do something that sounds appealing to him.
Whenever he hears music of any kind (from a show, radio, commercial.. etc.)  he gives us this astonished look at says, "come out a feekers (speakers)".

He gets real excited when he's telling us "long stories" and starts to stutter a little. I can tell his brain is just going 100 miles an hour and he can't keep up! And it's less of stuttering over the beginning of words and more of putting, "uh uh uh's" in between words.

His imagination is becoming evident. I've always watched him play and wonder what in the world he was thinking. You know, as he's driving his cars around, flying his planes in the air, or building towers upon towers of blocks. Now, he's talking to himself as he's playing and I can catch a glimpse into that brain of his. Usually he's just going somewhere in his cars or planes. He'll look at us and say, "Bye, see you later, going to the (fill in the blank.. usually the PX, Commissary, or playground... you can tell what we do with the majority of our days). He's also starting naming his friends house, saying he's going over so-and-so's house. It's pretty cute. He'll drive his cars along the couch and yell out things to himself along the lines of, "NO NO NO, PLEASE, NO NO, STOP!!". Who knows what's going on there, but it's entertaining.

He loves to play this strange "game" about 10 times a day. He calls it "stinky feet". He asks to get in our bed and then says, "smell feet". He sticks his feet in our face and waits for us to gag uncontrollably because his feet are "soooooo stinky". I have no idea where this came, but I'm quite sure my husband started it.
Another favorite pastime of his is to type numbers and letters into Word. He loves for us to help him spell certain words and switch the colors on the letters. Seriously, this kid is going to be bored to tears in Kindergarten.


I'm sure I'm missing things, but I realize this may not be as interesting to all of you like it is to us. You already know I like to keep up with this stuff though to have to look back on. This is a running joke among myself and Trey and also a few of my friends, but I have to say, this is definitely my favorite stage. The joke is that I say that about every single stage :)

Our Trip Home

We're back already from our trip home during block leave. We've been home since Thursday afternoon and have been getting back into the swing of things since then.

It was a good visit! We got into town Friday, late afternoon, and Andrew got right to work checking out all the "new to him" toys over Nana and Grandad's house. The weekend was packed with tons of family and friends! Two families that have always been real close with Trey's family were in town for the weekend. They watched the Tennessee game while my SIL and I went out for Pedicures. That was much needed!

Sunday was Trey's going away party. We knew it would be a short trip this time and wanted to give everyone the chance to see him before the deployment without going crazy trying to fit everyone in all week. Luckily, it was nice out and we were all able to spend a lot of time outside. The kids loved it!

It may torturous for Andrew to stop playing for a second, but I wanted a picture with my boy!

These are Trey's best friends going back all the way to 9th grade. It's so great to see them all together with kids and all!

And here's my family, minus my youngest brother... he had to work

Monday, the three of us, plus Nana, and Melissa, Reagan and Addyson (Trey's sister and nieces) all packed up and went to the zoo. That was a blast! Addy and Drew are exactly 7 months apart and they just LOVE each other! It's so sweet to see! I wish I could put pictures of them up together, but I have to respect their privacy.. I guess. Outings like the zoo are getting to be so much fun! We are loving seeing the world through Andrew's eyes! So glad Trey got to do this with him before he leaves. And thanks to Nana and Gdad we have a year pass to the zoo... lots of fun to come!!

The best of friends lately... it's been pretty awesome

Here you have Trey taking advantage of not needing to shave :)

I broke the rules since you can't see Addy's face, but they held hands like this almost the whole time. Mostly because she forces him to like a typical woman.

He could not get enough of this, which shocked us! He would of sat there all day if we had let him!

I have no pictures from Tuesday, but in the morning, my brother Charlie came and picked Andrew up. He works at an airbase in town and wanted to show Drew the jets. Let me tell you... we're still hearing all about that! He had a blast and I think Charlie has a fun day date anytime he wants one once we get back. Tuesday night we went to my parents house for dinner. Lots of fun playing outside in the leaves. They are so great with him and I couldn't be more grateful for that. You can just tell they want him around desperately and he should have no doubt where he stands in their world! He knew exactly where he was. When my mom pulled into the neighborhood with him, he said, "we're herreeeee". He remembered from three months ago. It was reaffirming for Trey. He feels really good in leaving us in their arms while he is gone :)

Wednesday morning, Trey's parents had a playground installed in their yard. I know, right? These kids are spoiled. They couldn't get out there fast enough. I thought Andrew looked like SUCH a big boy!!

And that night of course, was Halloween! Andrew was Geo from Team Umizoomi. That's his favorite all time show and he goes around pretending he is Geo half the time, so we made it happen. Well, really my friend Nancy made it happen, but still...

He did SO WELL Trick-or-Treating!! Talked like such a big boy. Said "trick-or-treat" to everyone, only picked one piece of candy and was sure to say his thank you's. We were pretty proud of his sweet mannerism, won't lie!

So all in all, it was great. Trey got lots of time with his family. His Grandfather even flew in for a few days, which was very important to Trey. He got to see everyone, really, and it all went so smoothly! (Minus our good friends, The McRoy's, who were all down with something and we appreciate them not sharing their germs ;) )

We are back now and still have a few days to enjoy together before Trey goes back to work. We're trying to take it easy, but starting to get stuff into storage as well. I worked hard organizing all the junk in the garage yesterday while Trey did a practice run with the stuff going in my van for the trip home. Tomorrow he plans to get the guest bedroom into the storage unit.

We have 27 days left together as a family and plan to make the most out of every second!

Leave

I'm enjoying a beautiful morning! The windows are open with a fresh breeze blowing in. I've emailed, Facebook messaged and read a blog that sat with me like *woah*. You should probably read it here... especially if you have young kids. In fact, you should probably follow her. Anywho.. back to my morning. I'm sipping coffee in peace and have The Today Show on instead of Dora, UmiZoomi or Mickey Mouse.
That's right, friends. My husband is on leave from work for 2 weeks. Andrew kept talking about wanting a muffin this morning. He really loves nothing more than going to the "donut store", aka, Dunkin. (He will ONLY eat blueberry munchkins. He seriously won't touch any other type). Trey seized the moment to be the cool Dad, scooped him up and took him to the donut store. Andrew left the house jumping up and down yellowing out, "LET'S DO IITTTT". I think he's a happy kid this morning.

-Good Lord, that is a silly Chanel No. 5 commercial. Brad Pitt, I'm sorry, but you're not sexy. Just me?-
(See the things I get to witness when I'm kid-free??)

Back on track...

I'm choosing to ignore what kind of leave this is. If you're a Military family, you know. You know you get that sweet block of time before they deploy to spend as you wish. Say some "see you laters" to family. Go on a swanky vacation (I wish!!). Get last minute stuff in order.
 Soon we head out for a few days to visit family and friends. I'm looking forward to it. Trey hasn't seen some of these people since Christmas last year and even that was just a quick visit for him. So some of them, the Christmas before. It'll be nice. I'm a little nervous. These trips home always end up being stressful for him. I hope he has the downtime he is expecting. I hope he gets to relax and just be. He needs this.. he needs a good trip! This is about all we could afford to do with moving me back home and all, and I know it's important for him to get some good time with his family, so I hope it's everything he needs it to be. Relaxing, enjoying quality time with family, not going-going-going all the time, basically.. a stress-free trip!

In the meantime, we're enjoying all of this time together! Much needed!

Thank you for all of your sweet comments lately! And thanks for hanging in there with me! I'll probably be away for the next week or so, but I'll be back with stories and pictures :)

Dwindling Time

Well, I put it off for as long as I felt safe doing, but our tickets are bought. Andrew and I officially have one-way tickets out of here.

I was in major get ISH done mode during Drew's naptime today and one thing on the list was to get those tickets purchased. I was on such a roll being super woman that I didn't think about what I was doing.. I just did it. And I felt good about FINALLY getting that done. Then like 10 minutes later, I randomly lost it. Like called-my-Mama-sobbing lost it.

I didn't even see it coming. Silly me. I know I say this every time, but it's so much more real now. His dates may switch up until the last minute and I took comfort in that. Because if we don't have a set in stone date that he's leaving, it's not real, right? But I know my date now. We fly home bright and early on the first of December. A one-way flight. We have a real countdown. And that makes things worse for me.

I'm looking forward to our block leave. To get a lot of minimally interrupted time together. (sorry in advance to family if I'm joined at the hip to him.. but not really sorry actually). But when we get back here, we'll have less than a month together. I'm not ready for that. Honestly, this will probably be the hardest part. The waiting. The counting down. The dread. The what-ifs. Yuck.

Time can just start to slow on down starting RIGHT NOW. I want to soak up every minute. Forgive me if I become a social recluse on nights and weekends! And bare with me around here friends. Things will start to look up. I do have a little boy I'll have to be positive for around the holidays and will have a new addition to blog all about in the new year!

Out of Denial

I know I mentioned a while back that my key coping mechanism for the upcoming deployment was denial. That was working really well for me. I was talking about it enough. I've been watching him pack. I've been going to FRG meetings and hearing about it. But I wasn't letting it sink through in my mind. It's been kind of easy with everything else I have to think about. Yard sales, moving, new baby, Andrew. Focusing on all of that stuff and keeping busy was working for me. Until I got on Twitter today.

I should have stayed the hell of Twitter, is what I should have done. Someone mentioned that I'll Be Home for Christmas was their favorite Christmas song. I read it and my heart either stopped beating completely or it just broke into a million little pieces.. I'm not sure which one. It definitely felt as though my world came crashing down around me - and it hasn't really put itself back together in the time being.

I keep repeating the lyrics in my head now. It's the worst song possible to have stuck in my head, but yet it won't get out. He WON'T be home for Christmas. I CAN'T count on him. It doesn't matter if there is snow or what decorations are hung.. he WON'T be here.. and I'm pissed. I'm so pissed off. (I feel like I'm going through stages of grief). Denial was a much better state to be in. I was happy there.

I don't know how I'll get through this holiday season. I just want it to be done and over with. I just need to get over that hump.

I don't know that I'll post this. I may in case someone else is feeling the same, but I may disable commenting. It feels so vulnerable putting this out there. And I don't really know what else to say. I don't know how to respond when someone tells me it's going to be okay.. and I don't think people know how to respond to me when I do put my feelings about this out there. It feels awkward.. or maybe that's just me. But, like always, I had to get it out somehow. And this is safer for me than opening up my mouth and making the words come out. Besides, how does one bring that up in conversation? "Hey, so-and-so! I got to thinking today and this finally feels real to me. And why yes, my heart is breaking and I'm scared shitless. Please pass the crackers. How is your day?" See? Awkward.  So I put it here and I feel better, either way. Like a little bit of that weight is lifted just writing it down.

Time is flying by and crawling at the same time. I'm not sure how that's even possible. This is really happening, isn't it?

Sesame Street

Today we were lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to a free Sesame Street show. The USO has put on this tour (the Sesame Street/USO Experience for Military Families) which is making 70 stops just this year. The two have done great things for us military families - "Since its debut in July 2008, the Sesame Street/USO Experience for Military Families has taken its message to more than 248,000 troops and military families and performed 433 shows on 131 military bases in 33 states and eleven countries." Pretty impressive! You can read a little more about it here. While we do make a ton of sacrifices, I feel like we get a lot in return too!

I wasn't sure how this was going to go. We've never taken him to any kind of show before and he's never really been into SS. But he LOVED it. The kid had a blast. Dancing, clapping and jumping up and down. Smiling from ear to ear. See..

Pure joy

So, while he didn't get the message, whatsoever, I'm glad we went. The actual point to the show was showing kids how moving a lot is a part of our life. And how it can be exciting.. an adventure. Teaches them ways to stay in touch with their old friends and pointers on how to make new ones. It was really great! If they come to your post, I would definitely go, no matter what age your child is. With that, I'll leave you with a few more pictures.

He wanted to go up and dance with the characters so badly. He cried on and off throughout the last half of the show because he couldn't touch them.. and here I thought he'd be scared or something...

He's Home!

We did it. We finished our first NTC rotation. (For family and friends not associated with Army, NTC stands for National Training Center and is located in Ft. Irwin, CA. This is where they all go to train up before a deployment.)

Source
 

As you can see it is in the middle of nowhere. Trey says if he ever actually gets stationed there he will promptly get out of the Army. I want to say that that's just his hostility from being there so fresh in his mind, but I really can't be sure.. ha! Can't say it's on my top list of places to go!

Anyways, this was a big milestone for us. Granted, I took the opportunity to go home and visit with family and friends, so besides missing him like crAYYYzy, it wasn't too hard on me. But it was still a month apart. Just a teensy tiny glimpse into what next year will look like for us. Trey survived the month of blah desert. I survived separating from my parents yet again.

And now he's home!! His plane landed at an ugly hour this morning and he was showered and snuggling up by 6am. He had about 15 minutes of laying in a warm, freshly laundered bed before Andrew decided it was time to start the day. Trey was pretty adamant about going up to get him and Andrew's face was PRICELESS.

He is in lurrve with having his daddy home! It started with him taking out all of his cars one by one to show Trey (fyi.. that is a TON of cars) as if he was worried that Daddy forgot what any of them looked like. And he hasn't caught a break from Andrew's energy and enthusiasm since.

Until now. In true Army fashion, Trey's 4 days off turned into, "I just have to go in for an hour and a half" to "I have no earthly idea when I'll be home" (not an exact quote, but I like to keep things family friendly around here). I had about 5 minutes of self pity until I got over it for the most part. He's home now. He has to come home at some point tonight... I think. And our son is over the moon that his Daddy is home!

Home again, home again

It's hard to believe that an entire month has already flown by, but it has my friends and tomorrow Drew baby and I will be on a plane back home. I dread these flights.. I really do. Andrew always does great ::knocks on wood:: but they are still exhausting. I miss the days of flying solo! I had no idea what a luxury that was!

Anywhoo... It's a bittersweet feeling to be going back. We will miss it here. Both of us. Andrew has just blossomed here. I think he's so used to up and traveling to a different place at this point. The makings of a true Army Brat in this boy! It has been reaffirming for me. I knew coming home for the deployment was the right move to begin with, but I still felt antsy about it and doubted myself sometimes. I don't anymore. I'll make a note to elaborate on that later, but I'm feeling really good about that decision!
It's been beyond amazing to have this month with my family. Their company and help with Andrew... I don't even have words. (The following is not meant to be read as "oh poor me, so please don't read it like that.. I simply didn't know what I was missing!) I'm used to doing just about everything by myself. With Trey in his XO position we haven't been seeing him until... on average... 7 at night. Sometimes later. By that time, everything is done (dinner, bath, clean up.. blah blah). So to have people walk in the house between 5 and 5:30.. wow! And people that are eager to unwrap Drew from my legs and go play with him so I can cook. So THIS is how normal people live??

On the same note, I'm ready to get back. I'm ready to have our own space. Part of me.. try to follow me here, I know this may sound contradictory to everything I just said.. just go with it.. Part of me is ready to get back in my groove and do everything on my own. Remind me of those words in 2 days. I can't explain that feeling. It's just what I know I guess.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY - I'm ready to see my husband!!! I can't say just when he'll be home, of course, and I'm sure it will be another fun Army Waiting Game, but it won't be too long of a countdown once we get back. I can't wait to wrap my arms around him! To see him with Andrew and catch him up on everything that's changed in the short month since he's seen him. To have our movie nights back! Good stuff.

I've been telling Andrew since we got here that he's a lucky boy because he has 2 homes. It's the easiest way I could think of so he wouldn't get confused and I wouldn't have to specify, "Mizzy and Grampy's home" the whole month. He gets it and will tell you he has 2 homes. So, I guess I'm pretty lucky too. That I can be "at home" in both places. That I have more than one place to call home.

Now if someone could just move one of those homes to a cooler climate, I'll be even more content (ahem.. looking at you Army!)

A little of this and that

My mind's in a million different places this afternoon and what better to cure that than a little post full of bullet points?

I think that when Andrew and I move back home for the deployment, my mom is going to be glad she's hiring a cleaning lady. Case in point:

Look at that living room!!

I hate confrontation. But, I guess it's healthy, right? You can't just let stuff bottle up inside. I can't at least. So, for me, sometimes it's necessary. That doesn't mean it doesn't make me break out in hives.

I have such mixed feelings about going back home this week. I'm excited to have an extended visit and to see everyone, but I sure am going to miss my husband. And I'm sure I'll worry about how he's doing. I worry about small (maybe silly) things, like is he going to be sad without us? I know, I know, he's a grown man and has much bigger fish to fry, my heart just breaks thinking about it though.

While going on my extenda-stay vacay, we're making a trip to the beach! Andrew's first beach trip! Have I mentioned that already? We're excited! I hope he likes it and isn't too scared. I, for one, can't wait to smell that salt air and stick my toes in the sand.. ahhhh! We are staying here.. right on the ocean. Can't I just spend the whole month there?

Source

One of my greatest friends ever is waiting for her husband's plane to land from A-stan right now!!! She hasn't seen him for 290-something days and the excitement is just radiating from her! She stopped by on her way and she just looks way too beautiful. Her husband is a lucky man... well.. they are both lucky and I am so so so thrilled for them! I can't even imagine what she's feeling right now!

Source

There's nothing quite like an Army post when a brigade is coming home! The excitement is definitely permeating through the air. The fidgety, anxious, out-of-their-minds-happy families. The Welcome Home banners on houses and companies. The constant reunion pictures and facebook updates. It's amazing. I'm an emotional person to begin with, but add in pregnancy hormones and I've been brought to tears daily! It's enough to make me put our impending deployment thoughts aside and already look forward to the homecoming. Gives me something to look forward to!

Andrew is going to be TWO next month. How did that happen?? I'm so lucky to be his mama! He's just turning out to be the sweetest little boy and I thank my lucky stars for him all the time! Time just goes by way too fast...

Mil Spouse Blog Hop

Hey guys!

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day and I think I just barely made it in time for the blog hop hosted by Household6Diva and RidingtheRollerCoaster. Make sure you go on over and check out all the rest of the amazing mil-spouse bloggers over there... after you read mine of course! I think this is my first time participating in a blog hop. I'm a little excited and a lot clueless.

This is my husband and I. Husband - FA Guy who seem to always be leaving me to go play Army.  Alabama Football Lover. Wishes he had a big truck, but drives a Ford Focus. Funny and he knows it. Pretty hot if I do say so myself.
Myself - Stay at Home Mama to a toddler who never wants to leave her side. Ever. Coffee, Wine, Book and Food Lover. Scrapbooker. Blogger (obviously). Weight-Watcher-er. Just as enthusiastic over football as the husband... almost. Proud Van Driver.

And this is our boy, Andrew. Car, Train, Bus, Truck, Dirt and Rock Lover. Silly as all get out. Milk and Playground enthusiast. Almost 2-year old. Crazy, crazy, crazy. And Adorable.

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 5-year wedding anniversary, but have been together coming up on 10 years. And we don't always dress like that above. We had a Derby party this year.
 He's been in the Army for a little over 3 years and we love it.. on most days. Joining has been something he has always wanted to do, but to be honest, I know I held him back. Lucky for me - he loved me enough to put up with my stubborn ways.
Now here we are in Fort Bliss, Texas, far far away from our "home" in South Carolina. We are two of the few who love it here! It's really a pretty amazing place. We live on post and really, it can't be compared to anywhere else (so I hear). AND it helps that I have the most amazing friends ever.
We are working hard to grow our family (sorry for the mental, mom). We desperately are ready for baby number two. We went through a miscarriage a few months ago and I'm very open with the whole thing. SO - over in my little corner of the internet, you'll here me talking about anything from our hopefully growing family.. nothing TMI.. promise, our Army life, A LOT about our son (it's only fair that you're forewarned), and whatever comes across this little brain of mine.

I hope you stop by and say "heyyyyy". I'm looking forward to meeting more of you!

Let's Catch Up, Shall We?

Life has finally slowed down a little bit and I can finally sit down with the ol' blog again. Or is it really just that a certain someone is in the field again and I don't feel bad sitting down at the computer in our spare hour after Andrew goes to bed. Either way... here we are.

Trey's been out in that darned field so much lately that when he is home, I haven't been sitting down at the computer much. I'm enjoying soaking up every minute we have together. Thankfully, it looks like that junk will slow down until July. I better soak it up because we then face our first extended separation. I'm freaked out about it and that's only for a month. How in God's creation am I going to do 9 months???

I was in a bit of a funk for the past few weeks and I can't for the life of me tell you why. It could have been a multitude of things piling on. For one, not getting enough sleep and not being happy with my body and diet. Also, and I don't think I went into too much detail about it on here, but I had been on Zoloft for a little over a year. It was working great for me and I felt like I could have stayed on it forever. It helped me to be such a pleasant person. Unfortunately, doctor's frown upon the use of Zoloft while trying to get pregnant. So I had to break the ties. It was an ugly parting. Scary at times. I didn't do it the right way at first and went through legitimate withdrawals. So I smartened up and listed to my doc. I've been doing good and can only notice a difference when it comes to my temper. I have a lot less patience. Anywho, I haven't been taking it for a few months now so I don't think that could be the cause of my funk. Either way, I'm feeling better. I'm accrediting it to getting more sleep, eating better and staying busier.

Speaking of busy...
We through a Derby part over at our house for our friend Ashley's birthday. It was such a great time. We bet on the horses and mine almost won. I don't know where the heck Amber's horse came from, but her's stole the show... and my money.

Pre-made cocktails

Drew gets jealous when I show affection to other men

That little boy pictured above has been a trip lately. More on him coming soon for his past due 20-month update.

I'm doing Weight Watchers again. I know, I know, I don't blame you for rolling your eyes. I wasn't even going to talk about it, because I always have these great big plans that I never, NEVER stick with. But there it is. I told you. Help me friends, help me. It's a bit easier this time because I have my smartphone and was able to download the app. All the info I could ever possibly need is right there in my phone. Wish me luck. I HAD to do something.

THANK YOU for any prayers you may have said for baby Abraham, who was born last week at 24.5 weeks gestation. I've been posting a few updates on my blog's FB page, but basically, he is a BIG BIG fighter. He had a surgery (I'm not sure for what) last week and came out of that well, he doesn't need to be under lights anymore as his bilirubin is already at normal levels, and they got to touch him for the first time on Saturday. WOW! Thank you God! I remember all too well what it's like to not be able to touch your new baby and those first touches.. can't compare much to that! I know continued prayers would be appreciated and I'll try to update y'all as much as possible!

Oh, what was that, you're all asking me? Your blog has a facebook page? Why yes it does. And you can come over and "like" it here.   I love having a blog fb page. I know the people who see my updates want to see them and I'm not clogging up others' news feeds. Why anyone would not want to get updates is beyond me, but whatevs. ; )
Also, I'm on Twitter. Maybe you want to follow me there too, yes? I've been loving following other bloggers there and the more personal interaction it allows. I can't for the life of me find the time to comment on all the blogs I want to.. but a quick tweet? Totally doable. Let me know if you're a tweeterer!

Well folks, that's the end of my shameless plugs. Enjoy the rest of your night.. or errrmm... good morning! (depending on what time zone you're in!)

A bit of an emotional walk

I've started a new walking routine over the past few weeks. Yeah yeah, it's great for my health. But y'all.. it's even better for my sanity. An hour. Peace and Quiet. Jammin' out to the pod and NOT to wheels on the Bus. Nobody tugging on me. The rest of the world is blocked out. Just me, my tunes, and a nice view of the mountains. And sometimes... SOMETIMES.. when I get home.. a certain little boy is already asleep. And yes, if you're wondering, that does thrill me. It may make me sound horrid, but I promise it makes me a better mama in the morning.

So tonight started like any other night. I'm walking, walking, running for 5 seconds (I kid.. more like 7), walking and all of a sudden a song comes on that takes me back to The Oakcrest House. (A very select few of you know what I'm talking about. For those that don't.. I'll sum it up: College years. Living in a big house with a group of friends. In-ground pool. Every weekend night get-togethers). Said song came on.. of which I won't divulge to protect my reputation.. and I started cracking up. Laughing hysterically. Ahhh the memories. We all had some good times.

Less than 5 minutes later, I pass a house that has a big banner flying on the porch. I smiled to myself before I even knew what it said, because I knew what it was for. Someone was getting, or recently had gotten, their soldier back. I look closer and it says, "WELCOME HOME DADDY. We love our brave soldier". I almost lost it. I did have tears. Right there on the track, mere minutes away from my fit of laughter.
It was happy tears. I don't know the family, but that doesn't matter. My heart SWELLED with joy. We all feel each other's joy as well as the pain. Whoever this family is, is now complete. I imagined the reunion. The kid/s running up to their Daddy giving him a huge bear hug. The wife happy again in a way she hasn't completely been since he's left. They're together. I know we'll have a reason to fly our proud banner on our porch in the future and my mind daydreams about that already.. before he's even left. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a reunion.

Lord help if anyone was watching me too closely. They may have put me in for a Psych Eval.

Daddy

First and foremost!!!
Do y'all really mean to tell me only 7 people want a free Chick-Fil-A kids' meal? Really? Thursday is the last day you can enter, so go here. I'm sure the 7 people who entered would appreciate if you didn't, but let's make it a little more fun, yes?

Alrighty, moving on -

I have to tell you about why my heart has just been breaking the past few days. Trey has been away in the ever-allusive "field" this week. Of course, I miss him and am looking forward to him coming home, but Andrew.  Ughh.. it's been hard.
Up until recently he hasn't really missed Daddy when he leaves. Not that he's been able to convey at least. Now, on a normal week even, he requests his Daddy multiple times a day. It's easy to say, "he'll be home around dinner time" and move on. Not so easy when he's not coming home.

He continues to ask for him throughout the day, but it gets bad when we sit down for dinner. He's upset that Daddy isn't home for dinner and makes it known. His little face turns into a frown and says a big, "NO", when I tell him 4-3-or 2 more wake ups. We have to go through this multiple times a day.

It really did me in today when we were at the PX.
We parked and started walking in. There was a soldier walking a few yards ahead of us. Drew catches sight of him and VERY enthusiastically yells, "Daddy". (That uniform makes them all look alike to me even, so imagine from kids point of view) Of course said soldier is oblivious and didn't even turn around, never mind respond to him. He kept yelling for who he thought was his Daddy and in his mind, was being ignored after not seeing him for days.

I did good with redirecting him, but wow... my heart. It breaks. You should see the smile he gives some of these soldiers and then see his face turn when he gets a closer look and realizes it's not who he thinks it is. This is only for a week and I can see the effect it's having on our boy. Soon it's going to be 3 weeks, then a month, and then 9 months.
How are we going to handle this? How is our 2 year old going to deal? I know he's going to miss him and there's no way he's going to understand. I'm terrified that he's going to be mad at Trey. I don't really know what to expect though.

I got a little sidetracked, but that's where my mind goes. I know we'll handle it as best possible. Trey will make up for it over the 3-day weekend he has and any time he can. It will be easier when Drew is older and can understand what Daddy does for a living. But for now. Wow. It's hard.

Military Life - The Positives

Let's pretend you knew someone that was getting ready to join the Military. While they would most likely be excited about it, you know it's also scary at the same time. Think about how you felt when your husband joined (if you were married beforehand) or when you first got involved with a soldier.

While it's natural to have some reservations, there are a lot of pretty awesome aspects of the Military, right? I know there are those out there who could spend a day complaining about everything. This post isn't for you to comment on if you feel that way. My goal is to encourage!

I'll start briefly.. or I'll try to be brief at least :)
- You are part of something bigger than yourself. Your spouse is a U.S. Soldier. He/She is in the 1% of the country who volunteered to protect their country. THAT is something to be proud of. And YOU, as a spouse, are a part of that as well.
- Patriotism. I can't hear the National Anthem without welling up in tears now.
- A man in uniform is HOT. Enough said.
- You see parts of the country you wouldn't have otherwise.
- You become a different - better - person. More independent and the relationship you have with your spouse strengthens times a million.
- You'll make some amazing friendships with people you would have never met. The bond is something you can't understand unless you're in this situation. It's incredible.

I think that's a good start.

So, chime in! What are some of your favorite things about being a part of the military? Even if you repeat some I've listed. I want to hear it....