What Would Have Been

I've sat here looking at a blank screen for about 5 minutes. First trying to think of a title, then figuring out how to start. So maybe this won't be the most poetic or well written out post, but I do want to talk about how I feel on this day.

Today would have been our due date with the baby we lost back in March. It's been on my mind for the last week or so, but today, it's all I can think about. It's there constantly, no matter what I'm doing. Instead of packing up our house, making breakfast for my boys, playing with Andrew, etc. what WOULD I have been doing? Would I already have him/her? Maybe I'd be in labor. Or doing everything I could be to get it out!! Holy crap, I can't imagine the chaos that we are living right now that is packing up our house and getting Trey ready to leave with birthing a baby or caring for a newborn thrown into the mix. It would have been fine obviously. But this leads me to my main point...

Yes, this is here with me. Especially today. I'm carrying it around with me front and center today and I have a lot of what-ifs, but I have to say -
For the most part, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. God is with me today, as He is everyday, but today.. woah..
I can see what He's done for us today.

I have this ever-growing, pain in my ribs reminder that God loves me.

I don't think I ever mentioned it when we became pregnant with this one, but I have to admit that my first thought was not one of joy. We had just decided we were going to stop trying until after the deployment. The miscarriage and the thought of birthing while Daddy was away was just too much. I so desperately wanted a baby, but we both decided we could wait. We needed a break from it all and I was in a good place about that. I was thinking about all the free time I would have with Andrew... all that time I could focus on him and only him. Me and my little man.. we would get through the deployment together. And the time I would have to myself!! I was okay with this. Yes, let's wait!

Until the next week or so.. I knew... I knew I would get a positive. And instead of running to Trey with joy, I showed him the stick and set it on the counter. We laughed at ourselves for quite a while. Of course that would happen. We had time to process this and our feelings went from disbelief to fright. It didn't take me long to get excited over the life we had started and now I was scared that we'd lose this one as well.

Obviously, everything has gone very well and we have one healthy baby boy growing more and more everyday. And OF COURSE God allowed me to become pregnant, even when I didn't want it anymore. He knew I needed this. I can't imagine how I would feel today if I weren't 27 weeks pregnant. I can't even begin to think that way or put any possible feelings into words. But I don't have to, that's the beautiful thing.

All I can do is thank Him. And feel an overwhelming sense of the love He has for me. Know that He knew what I wanted/needed even when I didn't. Yes, friends, I'm filled with thanks today!

Good and Bad Days

Just as a warning up front - I'm going to try not to get all TMI (and I don't think it will be too bad), but I am going to talk about things like my empty uterus and trying to fill it. So if you'd rather not hear about that sort of thang, you know what to do :)

As most of you know, my husband and I would very much like baby #2 (does that sound better than using the "trying" phrase?). I guess I should say baby #3. We lost baby #2 very early on. Again, most of you know this, but just for the sake of telling the story, and new followers, there it is again.
After losing the baby and going through all of the ups and downs of the intense emotions, we decided that we didn't want to wait to go for it again. I have always just gotten pregnant when I thought about it too hard, so I assumed that's how it would be again. Well, not so much. I know I've only had two opportunities, and others have had to wait much, much, MUCH, much longer than that, but this is new to me. And it doesn't look like it's going to get better anytime soon.

My body is all sorts of screwed up. Basically, I thought I knew when.. ahem... things were happening, but I'd have better luck finding a needle in a haystack at this point. I know this happens to so many people. So, if you know.. is this normal? Not being regular for a while?

I have my good and bad days with coming to the realization that I may not get pregnant before my husband deploys. Yeah, we also have a timeline to deal with here. Some days I'm good. I can look at the positives. Those being:
I can REALLY get my body where it needs to be to have a healthy pregnancy.
I can take the deployment time to get better, quality time with Andrew that I wouldn't have if I did get pregnant.
Trey would be around for everything. Pregnancy and birth and at least the first year of said baby's life.
It would be easier to fly home for visits during the deployment. If I had another baby, I don't know that I would go home at all.
It would be an easier deployment. Period.

Then I have my bad days. Most of the time brought on by the news of someone else becoming pregnant (Disclosure: If you're reading this, and you are one of those people, please don't read too much into that. And please don't ever not tell me because you're afraid to hurt me. I'm happy for all of you, I really am. Others' good news is just a reminder though of what I want for my family. It is what it is). And while one minute I can be so very okay with where we are, I can crumble into a million pieces and not be okay what-so-ever with what we don't have. I can become crippled with fear and grief. So here is what scares me if it doesn't happen before Trey leaves:
The difference in ages. I want my kids to be close in age. If we have to wait until he gets back, at best they will be between 3.5 to 4 years a part. At best.
My age. At best I'll be 31 when I have our next. I know that's not decrepit, but again, not what I wanted.
What if it never happens? What if I never can give Andrew a sibling or Trey another child.
What if he doesn't come back? (dark, I know, but that's kind of impossible for me not to think about.)

So that's where I am. My good days and bad. I find that I'm having my better days when I'm praying about it and putting my trust in the Lord. I need almost daily reminders that my plans are terrible compared with His.

Prayers Needed for a Sweet Family

I'm sitting here watching the Draft tonight in the comfort of my sweats and my cozy living room.
While I'm sitting comfortably, munching on some FlipSide crackers after my calorie allowance is over (they are SO good.. Okay I'm putting them away) a sweet friend of mine is sitting in a hospital room for *hopefully* the next 10 weeks, trying to keep her baby alive.

When Andrea was 17 weeks, her water broke. The doctors told her that, with no water for her baby, the only thing they could offer her was termination. Andrea and I didn't live in the same city for very long, but I can tell you immediately that that was NOT, in fact, an option for her. When she denied the doctors' suggestion, they told her she would deliver within a week anyways.

Well, friends, it's 7 weeks later and that baby is strong and alive inside. Andrea is feeling the kicks and the baby's heart is beating strong. They, of course, are not in the clear.. she's had more complications, including contractions which they've been able to stop for now, but they are holding onto faith.

Every day that passes, that sweet baby gets stronger and stronger. I've asked Andrea if I could share her story with y'all if only to get more prayers. She welcomed the extra prayers, but is also thinking of others at a time that a lot of people wouldn't. Here is what she said:

 "Please do request others to pray for us. You are welcome to share our story as you see fit. I have been part of a group of moms all over the would who is suffering the same problem and there are a few success stories. Most of those success stories are from women who refused to give up and found ways to cope with the news that was so heart breaking. I want others to know that there is hope. That no mater the outcome I have enjoyed every little kick, every little hiccup, every little sound of its heart. No matter what, we are now a family of 6!" 

If you could take a moment out of your day and just life this family up. They are such an inspiration! Their faith.. sigh.. I admire it. A true testament. I'll keep you all updated, hopefully with news that baby Reay has defied all odds!

Moving on

Things are going so much better around here! I'm starting to feel more like myself again. I'm definitely feeling tons less sorry for myself, still remembering what happened, but looking forward to and feeling more optimistic about the future, and smiling a lot more again. I guess it does just take time. While it was disappointing and heart-breaking to lose a baby, even as early on as we were, I'm accepting it. (Gosh, there really are clear stages of grief, aren't there??) And I'm accepting of whatever the future holds for us as well. If God blesses us with another child, that would be wonderful! If not (because having a miscarriage makes you think of the possibility that you're not meant to have another), than we'll be a blessed, happy family of three! We'll definitely try our best to add to our family though ;) *Sorry mom*

Thank you all for your kind comments. I know I did not respond to most, if any, of you, but they really did help me. I appreciate those of you who took the time to check in, encourage me, and those of you who maybe said a few prayers, even if I didn't know it. I definitely felt the prayers.

While I will never pretend to understand why God allows some things to happen to us, I could feel Him with me.. quite literally. I know he was lifting me up and very often thought of the Footprints in the Sand poem.

Source

He was definitely carrying me through the last few weeks and that was my main source of comfort. I do wish that I could understand His ways a little better, but don't we all? I remember my parents having this hanging in our house when I was growing up and reading it often. I remember loving it even from a young age.

Anyways, I just wanted to document this side of our grief. For our own good.. to look back on, to let those concerned know that things are good, and to maybe help those either going through this now or those that may in the future.

True Meaning of Christmas (the next Charlie Brown special)

I've had these jumbled up thoughts in my head for almost a week now and have been trying to get to the computer to sort them out (I've tried talking about it multiple times, but my mouth, unfortunately, doesn't have a backspace button), but I've been busier than normal. In a good way. I've allowed myself a little more freedom in my social life area and it's done my soul a ton of good. Most importantly, I helped friends get ready for Nancy's sweet baby shower that was held on Sunday. Nancy and I discovered we had locked up talent that was dying to be let out.


Not perfect, but keep in mind that this was the first time either of us had ever even touched fondant.

 And Ashley convinced me that I need a Cricut when we worked on this together.


I seriously want one so very badly. Good thing my birthday is in March because my Christmas present was used up with a camera. Which I love.

 Speaking of Christmas.. let's get down to the point.

Growing up, Santa was EXTREMELY good to us. The presents always extended far out, half way across the living room. It was SO MUCH fun. I'll always have warm, fond memories of waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the room dimly lit by the tree and other decorations, and feeling the magic of Santa Clause even as an adult. Having younger brothers helped too. I'll always remember both of their excitement.. coming to frantically wake me up so I could see what Santa brought. We'd all sit down in the living room, my mom with her coffee, camera, and a huge grin on her face. My dad with his OJ, trash bag, and sweat pants telling us all to "relax". Ha! He loved it all just as much.. I think we were all just a little too hyper for him.. and I'm not sure why the sweat pants stick out so much.. but they really do. We'd open a present one by one, each taking turns and would stop half way through to refill drinks and maybe get a little something to much on. This was like a two hour affair.. at least. I loved it. I have such great memories of Christmas with my family.

Which makes my conflicting ideals that much more difficult. I'm struck with my strong dislike of the commercial side of the holiday this year more than any others. The constant countdown reminders of how many days you have left to shop. How Black Friday might as well have started on Thanksgiving itself. I'm seeing people break the bank.. literally.. trying to get gifts for everyone they feel obligated to buy for.

We're choosing not to do that this year and it's a great feeling. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to give. It's one of the best feelings. But it becomes such a hassle around Christmas. I hate that gift giving is EXPECTED.  I hope this isn't coming out wrong. I want to give.. within our means. And that's what we're doing this year. My side of the family usually gets a gift for everyone.. this year we're doing a $25 limit Chinese gift exchange. It's going to be a blast and we'll be able to just be. Together.

In our immediate family.. Trey, Drew and I.. I want to focus on the real meaning of Christmas in the years to come. I want to talk to our kids about Jesus' birth. To show them what it's really all about. To teach the importance of giving.. ironically. But giving to those that have less. We'll still have all of the fun decorations and Santa will be a part, but I don't know that we'll have presents filling up the living room on Christmas morning.

I saw this on Pinterest the other day.. which is what sparked all of this.

source: http://www.giventolove.com/2011/11/four-gift-rule.html

A big part of me wants to stick with this. The item they want and read can be from Santa. The other two can be from us. If we do this, we can take whatever money left of what we budget and sponsor a child that may not receive anything.
We, as a family, may not have excess.. we may not have the best of things.. we definitely don't keep up with The Joneses in other words.. but we have plenty. We have everything we need. We are warm, clothed (even if I do have to do laundry twice a week), and always have food on the table. Andrew is in no shortage of books or toys. We take all of this for granted and I want to teach him that others may not have ANY of this, and we can be in a position to help.. if we don't spend all of our money of gifts for him that he may WANT but not NEED.

I can't help but go back to my fond memories growing up though, and feel like he'd be missing out on that. It's a smaller part of me that thinks like this, but it's obviously enough to cause some conflict. When he's older.. but still young.. how would I deal with the whole, "but Johnny gets a ton of gifts from Santa.. am I not being a good enough boy?" type of thing.

I'm probably thinking way too much into this, but that's what I do. I have no idea how I'd answer that.

Anyways, that's where we are and we'll sort it all out. In the meantime, we are very much enjoying our lower-key Christmas this year. It's going to get busy soon with traveling and chaos, but right now, it's calm, beautiful, and peaceful. And Andrew almost has putting coins in the Salvation Army bucket down pat.

PWOC

How many of my military spouse readers take part in your PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) on post? If you don't know what I'm talking about, or you just haven't quite gotten around to trying it out yet, I strongly suggest you do.

For those that don't have any idea of what PWOC is, here is a link that can tell you all about it. It's a chance to have some fellowship once a week with other Christian military wives. We socialize, eat and drink coffee, do some worship, and break into smaller groups for different Bible studies. If you're into that sort of thing, please go and check your local group out. Fort Bliss's group means the world to me and I can feel the changes it's making in me.

My faith is always something I have struggled on and off with. There have been times where I so strongly believed in everything the Bible says, but other times, when I was filled with doubt. I had too many questions. The devil has worked wonders in my life and I'd have to say, has taken precedence more times than he should have been able to.
Over the past year, my strength has been unshakable. God's done some awesome things in my life lately and I've finally been able to just let go of any doubt I had. Now, my faith in God and His word is something I can't imagine doubting or questioning. But that doesn't mean I don't still struggle. I have so much to learn. I have stories to learn in the Bible that have been ingrained in most people's minds their whole lives. I want to have scriptures memorized and have them get myself or others through tough times. Or use them to praise God in the good times. I need to be able to live His words out more in day to day life. I could go on and on, but I see myself getting very side tracked here. I attribute these changes that I've seen in myself to going to PWOC. Well, to God of course, but He put me here.. at this post.. with this group.

When I started going to PWOC last year, I wasn't very committed. I would go here and there, but if something else came up, I had no problem skipping it. Now, it's probably my absolute favorite morning of the week. We get so busy during the week with day-to-day activities. With household chores and taking care of our babies. Things can get so.. routine. And busy. Wednesday mornings, my soul has a chance to regroup. It means SO MUCH to me that my baby is taken care of while I recharge. While I spend the morning in prayer, praising God, and focusing on the things that really matter. To quite myself. To remind myself that no matter what is going on in our lives this week, not only is God looking out for us, loving us and standing by our side... so are about 150 other women. There is something so powerful about hearing all of those women singing together. Praying together. Lifting each other up in hard times, like deployments (imagine going through a deployment....not alone but with this huge group of unfailing support.. wow!) and celebrating the good times.
It's hard for me to stop in the midst of our daily craziness to appreciate what God has given me and my family. To remember to go to Him with my problems... because He's right there waiting. So not only does PWOC refresh my mind and soul and remind me of these things, but the study that I've gotten into this year provides me with a little bit of quite time each day (yes, I have to physically schedule it into my daily organizer, but it does get done and that's what matters) to redirect myself as well.
There were so many wonderful choices.. two others that I wanted to do (Power of a Praying Wife and Shepherding a Child's Heart), but in the end, felt powerfully led to do Hope for the Homefront. I'm so glad I chose that one. The others would be great to read on my own time anyways, but this is great for me right now. We've been focusing on fear so far (which I struggle with A LOT) and how instead of letting it cripple us, we need to trust in God's word more. I love the way it flows. How it makes me think without spelling things out completely. It's pretty awesome. I've heard from multiple others that have read it and loved it as well! (Just came to me.. but I could possibly see a give away coming up when we're through with it!)

So..that's all. I just felt overwhelmed with these feelings of gratitude towards this group today and wanted to share. From those that have known me the longest, this post may catch you off guard a little. I've never been very open with my faith. I'm not sure why. It's always made me feel a little awkward talking about it, but I know it shouldn't be that way. I'm a little uneasy with even putting something as personal as this out, but I shouldn't be. I should be anxious (in a good way) to hit that publish button. Ready to share my faith with anyone who may benefit from hearing about it. I know that's what we're supposed to do. I'm working on fixing that... just another area I need to grow in.

Success!

PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) started it's summer session this morning. I've really been looking forward to it!

I stopped going earlier this year because there was just too much going on with Andrew. They provide free child care while you are attending and at first, it worked perfectly. Then he got a little older, caught a few colds, sprouted some teeth, and discovered that the world was falling apart when I wasn't by his side. The last time I went, they had to call me back to come and get him after he had been crying nonstop for almost an hour. That was the beginning of our troubles and I didn't feel comfortable going back for the next few weeks.

They took a break for a few weeks, we've been putting him in CDC weekly for a few weeks (trying to get him used to being without me), and I've been more than ready to get back into it.

So off we went this morning with high hopes. To say I wasn't nervous would be a lie, but I told the sweet ladies watching him that we've had separation issues and if things get out of control not to hesitate to call me. I left and he didn't cry, but I had my phone glued to my hands the entire time.

If you've been paying any sort of attention to my blog, you know that this is something I have really, really been struggling with for a while. (or if you know me in real life and have heard me complaining about it constantly and begging for advise.. yeahh.. sorry about that!) I've talked to everyone about it possible. Googled it a million times, searching for answers. Complained until I've been blue in the face. Taken to more alcohol than usual after bedtime. Have had to be medicated to keep sane. And just plain cried.

Funny that we started a study today about hearing God speak to you. How we need to put ourselves in a position where we're ready to listen to what He has to say. How we need to go to Him with EVERYTHING.. the big stuff and the small stuff.

Wow. Not once have I thought to pray about this. I've turned to everyone else except God. I haven't asked for more patience. I haven't asked Him to show me what to do to make my son more secure. I thank God for him.. a lot.. but to be really honest.. I haven't prayed ABOUT him or over him since we've had him out of the NICU. Fail. Big fat fail.

I'm so quick to run straight to God when the big, ugly things come about. Or when I really want something. I don't take the time to praise Him when things are just swimming along normally or when I have little day-to-day issues. This all smacked me right in the head while I was listening today.

And wouldn't you know it... I walk over to pick up Andrew and he was as happy as can be. He did wonderfully. He played a lot. Drank his entire bottle. Ate gold fish and graham crackers for the first time and apparently loved them both. They said the only time he got mad is when they changed his diaper (normal.. the kid is perfectly happy sitting in his own filth) and when they stopped feeding him and took him out of his highchair (typical). This made me so happy. I was thrilled that he was able to be social. That he was fine without me. I'm in NO WAY under any assumption that all of our problems with this are gone (in fact, when we got home, I left him for .2 seconds to get my phone out of the dining room and he freaked) but we're making progress.

I almost had given up on solving this until he just plain grew out of it. I have run out of ideas and I think we've tried everything there is to do. But, God's totally got this!

Day 15?: Faith

Ohh my gosh... who woulda thunk that it would take me so long to get through this? Ohh.. all of you? Because I never really follow through with anything I start? Grrrrr... I WILL finish this. I'm determined.

Anywhoo...

Favorite Bible verse. To be honest, I'm not as disciplined and studied as I'd like to be with the Bible, so I had to look a few up (because you know I can't just do one). There was one I was specifically looking for and haven't been able to find, but when I do find it, I'll let you know!

Psalm 91:14-16
"Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Ephesians 2:8-9
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."

Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 Peter 4:9-10
"Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms."

I could go on and on and on really, but here is one more..

1 John 8-10
"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."

Let go and let God

That was one of my Grandmother's favorite sayings, I believe, and it's one that really stuck with me. Along with something about there only being one cook in the kitchen and "a watched pot never boils".

But, anywhooo...

For the past few weeks, I've tried to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's who I am.. a worry wart! It's just what I do. I like to take the world and try to mold it in my hands just so. There are times when I fully believe that I can take any situation and make it go the exact way I want it to, even if the odds are stacked against me. I'll make it work. Sometimes with words and actions, and sometimes by sheer will. While oftentimes I am successful, I am sure that this is the main cause for the crick in my neck 99.9% of the time. It's hard to need all of that control!

Two situations that have been sitting right there on the tippy top of my shoulders: Andrew's medical issues and that ugly D word (deployment.. that will be the only time I say it!)

The whole thing with Andrew.. I HAVE to let go. I hate this saying, but "it is what it is". God made him a certain way. I'm not at all convinced that what the doctor said is the actual case, but if it is, what can I do about it? You were all right, there is plenty of technology out there and doctors know what they are doing (most of them). If it can't be fixed.. there is a reason for it. God doesn't screw up. Repeat over and over... and over. He doesn't make mistakes. We'll be fine!

D word.. ahh.. D word, D word, D word.
We all know it eventually comes up. We can't avoid it forever. Of course DH and I have to make it more difficult than necessary. I've already done a post on this before, but to refresh the memory, he is debating going over to another unit to go sooner. I'm all for it. In fact, I'm hoping for it. Of course, once we've discussed it to absolutely no end and have both come to the conclusion that we both want him to go ahead and go and my hopes are up.. it's starting to look like he'll have to wait.
Sound crazy, do I? Listen, he's going sooner or later. Either this year or next. Let's just get this show on the road and get it over with! Of course, I've had our family map planned out since we got married. I knew exactly when I wanted to have kids and how many and what sex I wanted them to be. (see my control issues here?? Hey.. I wanted a boy first and look what I got!) If he goes sooner.. he'll come home and will be exactly in the time line of when I wanted the second child. If he goes late.. shooo.. that throws me all of! So far, his BN doesn't sound like they will let him go. You mean his BC doesn't care that it doesn't coincide with my family plan??? I kid. I need to learn to be okay with this. The Army certainly isn't going to consult me every time they want to take my husband away, as much as I think they should :)
God has a better life plan than I do. As hard as that is for me to grasp and agree with.. I know it's true. If he doesn't go sooner, there is a darn good reason for it. And I'm pretty sure the Big Man will let me know when it's time to have another child.

I'm ridiculous. I'm letting go. I'm very positive that I'll have to re-read this post a million times and chant that phrase over and over again... maybe one day it will sink it.

Precious

I've seen this email forwarded around quite a few times now, but it just gets me every time. Epecially now. We have one picture of Andrew where I know he's probably just sucking on that thumb, but I like to think he has his hands up praying. I imagine that to be God's hands holding him up by his behind and keeping him safe. I think it's such a sweet picture.

The email is a newborn's first conversation with God.

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow,

but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have
to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand
when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words
you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will
teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach
you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach
you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth
could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave
now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."

Happy Easter

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter weekend - I know we did. If you were without your loved ones, please know that I was thinking about you! It has to be so very hard to spend holidays especially without your spouse, sibling, or parent... I hope you at least got to chat with them and you found comfort through friends or a great church service.

The weather was beautiful here in Oklahoma! It seriously could not have been any more perfect.

We picked my brother up from Sheppard AFB so he didn't have to spend Easter alone.
Sunday we went to a beautiful Easter morning service at the church we have been attending here. I think Easter service is my favorite one of the year. It's such a nice reminder of what our Lord did for us and what that really means. That we are forgiven and loved PERFECTLY. The God loves us SO incredibly much, that he had his only son crucified just to bring US closer to him. Could you imagine doing the same... it's overwhelming really and makes me want to be such a better Christian.

After church we went to a friends house for a huge potluck Easter lunch/early dinner. It was delicious!! Who knew our little group of friends were so talanted?? We had a cheese ball, ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole (courtesy of me), deviled eggs, potato salad, coleslaw, buns, death by chocolate, rice crispy treats, ice cream sandwhich cake, red velvet cake balls... Ohh my gosh!! Everyone left hurting!

I can't even explain how much it means to me to have this group of friends here. It's so important when you are away from your family. In a sense, we've made our own little family away from home. We're all in the same postition and it takes the sting out of missing your loved ones back home, especially on such important days. These people mean the world to me:                     
                                                                                                    

                            

P.S.

My mum's package hasn't arrived yet, but I did want to reassure everyone that she did put a few Easter goodies in there for me :)

Comfort

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them.
Psalm 34:4-7

I came across this bible verse today and it really spoke to me. I'm not sure why as I have no story to really go along with this right now. There have been numerous times in my life, so many times I can't count, that this has applied to me. So many times that I've been in such a hard spot and God reminds me that I just need to give Him my worries, fears, and guilt. When I do, most of the time I'm immediately comforted. I've read it about 5 times now this morning and it's bringing me such a great piece of mind. Who knows, maybe someone really needs to hear that today :)

Serenity Now

One of the issues that has been weighing on me a lot lately is my grandmother. It has been an up and down roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. One day she's doing fine ~ the next she's going to the hospital and asking for the priest ~ then she's doing more than fine and it was just the drugs that were making her feel like she was dying ~ now my mom is in route to the airport. She's flying up there to see her.... things don't look good. She's back at the hospital, trouble breathing, lungs filling up again. She signed a DNR yesterday. I can't say I blame her.

I know I've already mentioned this, but one thing that has really comforted me throughout this process is faith. I know my gma has a ton of it, and I have enough to make me believe she's going to be perfect again standing in front of Jesus the second she does pass.
Right before my cousin Kate came down here last week to move into the dorms, gma gave her a stone I guess you can call it. It's clear and has an angel in it. She taught her the Serenity prayer and told her that it's always helped her to hold on to the stone for a bit, while saying that prayer. Knowing how much of a hard time I've been going through, Kate then turned around and gave that to me last week. I know... it meant the world to me. I've used it quite often over the past week and I have to say, I really do think that it helps. This will be something I treasure for the rest of my life, thinking of gma and kate every time I hold onto it.

Here is the prayer in case you have never heard of it. I love it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can:
and wisdom to know the difference.

Glistening?

Screw it ~ I'm sweating like a banchie. And I've honestly spent the whole night sobbing tearing up over it. I feel like this little thing called life is seriously ganging up on me. If you're in no mood for a pity party, the exit is to your upper right hand corner ;)

I woke up this morning with the vague feeling that I was a little more toasty than usual during the night. While straightening my hair and panting from heat exhaustion, I knew the worst had happened. My AC went out. Again. Got to work and called my little AC man and he said he'd be out to look at it late afternoon. I'm pretty sure I hit my breaking point tonight after getting home and realizing when I walked into the safari jungle that he never did make it out. And all I kept hearing in my head was him making the calculated guess that I'd probably have to replace it since it's so old. Really? We can't rig it for a bit and let it be someone else's problem? I joke. Kinda. Who has money sitting around to install a new AC??? Not I! I should though. Which brought on a whole new set of sobs. Trey's been gone since February. My main responsibilities were paying bills and building our savings up. I tried. I really did. But I swear it's just been one thing or another that has made me spend money in our savings right after I built it up. Every.Time. Add on the pressure of getting Daisy (I know.. my choice and I have no regrets), hoping and praying we sell our house and that we actually make money off of it, moving... Ahhhhh... I've been able to keep a pretty cool head.. but tonight it felt like the world was crashing on my shoulders and I could hardly stand to keep breathing.

I am a little more calm now though. Calm, not cool. It's still sweltering hot. For two reasons:

1. my realtor called to let me know she is showing my house to someone tomorrow that seams interested in renting it. Scary, but I'm a little bit okay with making some extra money every month.

2. AC man just called. Gotta love an AC man that calls at 9:45 at night to let you know how sorry he is and that he'll be there at 7:30. I'll love him even more if he doesn't make me buy a whole new unit.

Thank you so so so much for all of your comments on my last post. Y'all are seriously my backbone. I hope that's not very pathetic of me to say. Because it's true :) I'd probably be certifiably insane without y'all.

Trey is doing better. They did send him to HHC today but his spirits are way up. He read parts in the book of Job last night in the Bible... seriously?

P.S.

That's only a little something I've been praying for for years. We'll save that for another post though.

I'm gone until Monday!! Off to visit the fam in Massachusetts. Hopefully i'll be able to squash some of these worries of mine while i'm up there, but knowing me, doubtful. I know i'm usually very optimistic and to my defense a little PMS may or may not have something to do with this mental breakdown. We're all entitled to a few though right??

Ohhhhhh how could I forget??? One of my favorite bloggie buddies, Crazy Shenanigans, gave me this sweet sweet award today:

It made me smile through all those tears!! Thanks girl!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Well you know how the rest goes.

Trey and I came across a major setback yesterday. The thought never even occurred to us that this could happen, but it did. They all turned in their weapons Friday afternoon. Most of the guys went out partying all weekend. Trey didn't. He wanted to be in top shape come Monday morning for his final PT test. The last thing he had to do in order to graduate from OCS. I got a text from him late Monday morning that just said "i need to talk to you". My heart immediately sank, but I was still hopeful. I mean really... he's had no trouble this whole time... what could have really gone wrong? Turns out he blew the running out of the water, did great in push ups, and for some reason or another, just barely missed his sit ups. He had to pack up all his stuff and get ready to go back to HHC (where they're held at the beginning or if you fail something at any point during the course). He'll be held there for another couple of weeks. He doesn't get to graduate with the guys he's gone through everything with. Instead he'll graduate with another company where he knows no one.

Can you imagine how he feels right now? It's getting better, but let me tell you, yesterday was not a good day. I don't think I've ever seen him at such a low point. Just humiliated, embarrassed, sad, disappointed.. the list goes on. I know he was dreading making that phone call to me, never mind his parents. We talked a lot yesterday and today and I've been trying real hard to pick his spirits up. I think it's working. I kept trying to tell him that every single thing happens for a reason. We may never ever know what that reason is, but we just have to trust that God has a better plan for us. When you're that disappointed though, that doesn't really mean anything to you in the moment. It is starting to sink with him. He's trying to accept it.

So yes, would I have LOVED to leave Monday to start graduation festivities?? Heck yes. But I'll enjoy it even more so in a couple weeks. Would I have been BEYOND excited to be driving HOME with him on Thursday and go together to pick Daisy up?? Ummm yeah. But instead, I'll pick Daisy up a few days earlier and take her with me to go spend next weekend with him. There HAS to be a reason for this. I have complete faith in that. Maybe I would have gotten in a car accident on the way down Monday because I was just so exhausted from my trip to Boston. Maybe we're not financially ready to move to Oklahoma while still making mortgage payments so our move had to be delayed for another month. All I know is in the end, not much has changed:

He'll retake that PT test and blow them out of the water (bc he WILL be doing 1000 sit ups every night while stuck in HHC ;) ).
He'll still graduate and get to where he wants to go.
I still think my husband is a kick ass, sexy Army Man.

I still think the world of him. I still adore him. <3

The End.

I need to learn how to kill a roach.

I'm really gonna have to start posting more than once or week. I have a little much to talk about now so this might be a tad long again.
It's Friday night and pretty chilly here! I'm pretty sure it'll be in the low 30's tonight. Perfect time to get a fire going I say! Hub got right to work getting that done and the fire is blazing :)
What in the world am I going to do when he leaves??? I don't think about the little things like that ( making fires, raking the leaves, WHAT IF I SEE A ROACH????!!!! ) Why am I so confident he's leaving you ask?
Wednesday was the big "fo real" ASVAB day. Remember.. he had to score a 110 to get into OCS. He got done with the test around 4:30. Called me and said he should know the results in about an hour. Great! I didn't think they'd come back that fast. So I'm all excited/nervous. An hour goes by.. no word. Three hours go by.. nothing. I .. of course.. am freaking out. I needed to know right that minute. But it just wasn't happening. Trey... the ever calm and patient one.. wasn't sweating it too much. So last night (thursday) we finally heard back and he got a 117!!! Aren't yall proud of him??? I sure am :) I guess the next step is him going to fill out paperwork next week. Then I think a physical. Then he has to go in front of a board of OCS people to see if he will be accepted in. So there are still a lot of "ifs" but we're one step closer.
What surprises me about this whole thing ~ We're not getting very positive reactions out of people when we tell them what's going on. We're not even telling many people (close friends, family, my hairdresser (teehee) ) But most of them have kind of freaked when we've told them. Especially towards me. Basically questioning me.. whether or not I'll be able to handle it. But not in like a caring, concerned tone of voice. More so like a higher pitched, louder voice, scrunched up face, "are you kidding me" tone of voice. (that was the best description I could come up with).
Of course there's a big part of me that is terrified and want to go crying and screaming to my mamma! But there's also a big part of me that is, dare I say, excited. And an even bigger part of me that wants/needs to support her husband. This is something he really wants to do. I've never seen him so confident in himself. He wants to be proud of himself. He wants to do something to support his future family. He's stepping up to the plate and doing something he's always dreamed of doing. Another thing people ask me is "aren't you afraid he'll die over there". Funny thing, but no, I'm not. Is there a chance he will.. of course. But there's a chance he could die on his way to work. There's a chance he could die sitting next to me watching TV. I think my faith in God is what pulls me through here. That comforts me to no end. God has a plan for all of us. If Trey's time is up then it's up, whether is here working a job he hates or he's off doing something he loves. He already knows what He has planned for us. I don't mean to sound insensitive or cold, and of course I would just die myself if something ever did happened to him. I'm just saying that I feel in my heart that it won't. And I feel that God has provided me with that comfort. So that is why I don't worry about that. I'm seriously more worried about seeing a roach and not being able to do my usual stand on whatever I was sitting on, screaming out for Trey to kill it routine.

Well I spent much more time on this topic than I planned on so I think I'll cut it short for now. Time to go cuddle up by the fire!!