Moving on

Things are going so much better around here! I'm starting to feel more like myself again. I'm definitely feeling tons less sorry for myself, still remembering what happened, but looking forward to and feeling more optimistic about the future, and smiling a lot more again. I guess it does just take time. While it was disappointing and heart-breaking to lose a baby, even as early on as we were, I'm accepting it. (Gosh, there really are clear stages of grief, aren't there??) And I'm accepting of whatever the future holds for us as well. If God blesses us with another child, that would be wonderful! If not (because having a miscarriage makes you think of the possibility that you're not meant to have another), than we'll be a blessed, happy family of three! We'll definitely try our best to add to our family though ;) *Sorry mom*

Thank you all for your kind comments. I know I did not respond to most, if any, of you, but they really did help me. I appreciate those of you who took the time to check in, encourage me, and those of you who maybe said a few prayers, even if I didn't know it. I definitely felt the prayers.

While I will never pretend to understand why God allows some things to happen to us, I could feel Him with me.. quite literally. I know he was lifting me up and very often thought of the Footprints in the Sand poem.

Source

He was definitely carrying me through the last few weeks and that was my main source of comfort. I do wish that I could understand His ways a little better, but don't we all? I remember my parents having this hanging in our house when I was growing up and reading it often. I remember loving it even from a young age.

Anyways, I just wanted to document this side of our grief. For our own good.. to look back on, to let those concerned know that things are good, and to maybe help those either going through this now or those that may in the future.

Dancing in the Rain

Maybe not quite dancing, but in the midst of the current storm that has been thrown our way, there have been people and circumstances that have made me smile. I've felt better today than I have in a little while, but tomorrow Trey has to go back to work. That makes me nervous and instead of focusing on my fears, I don't think it would hurt to focus on what's put those random smiles on my face over the past few days.

1. Andrew. Plain and simple. Everything about him. I've always thanked God for trusting us to raise such an awesome little man, but I have been even more so over the past few days. It's a big responsibility to put on an 18 month old, but he's been my saving grace. His random hugs and kisses when I need them most. His blooming (hilarious) personality. The way he now says, "uh oh" 100 times a day. His silly faces. Everything. I don't know what I'd do without him.

2. My husband. I know he's hurting just as much as I am, I'm sure. But he's done a damn good job of putting his feelings aside for a good chunk of this time to take care of me. To comfort and reassure me. To make me laugh. I'm blessed.

3. Love from friends. A hot meal, flowers, hugs, texts, kind words, emails, phone calls (even though I may not answer them or haven't returned them yet.. I'm sorry!) and even comments from you girls that I don't even really "know in real life". It's meant the world to me. Even if it may not seem like it's registered with me, I promise you it has. I may not respond to everyone of you right now, but it's been appreciated more than you know.

4. A new routine. We discovered a few weeks ago that Andrew LOVES Wheel of Fortune. I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier that he'd love it. Pointing out letters is his favorite pastime. Followed closely by things that spin and clapping. Put it all together and what do you get?

So, every night at 6:30 we sit down as a family and watch. It's the only show out there that he will sit and watch in it's entirety. He loves pointing out the letters and can now say a lot of them when they pop up. He gets the most excitement out of Es, Os, Ns and Ms. Can't forget about Ts and Is. He watches so intently and has so much fun with it all. And boy do we clap clap clap. I have to say. I get really excited for 630 to roll around!

5. Lastly, I have to recognize the simple effect of the sun shining down. The weather has been gorgeous and I can't help but smile to think about all of the new life that comes along with the start of Spring. The Easter season. Hope that Jesus gave us all. And just the plain old vitamin D. It's good for the soul.


I knew I couldn't escape real life. I knew Trey would have to go back to work eventually, and honestly, I'm VERY lucky he's been home as long as he has. He was supposed to be out in the field and I'm so thankful he was able to stay home with me. I think it's just the quietness I'm afraid of. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, but let's be real. Number one.. it needs to happen. Number two... it will only be anywhere near quiet during nap time. I'm sure a certain someone will keep me plenty occupied. The two of us will maybe dance a little tomorrow.