I'm sure this is normal... I think at least. Who knows what's normal anymore. But I'm having HUGE, like big fat huge doubts about going back home for this deployment. I was so sure of this decision. I knew I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure anymore.
First and foremost, I can't help but feel I'm leaving my friends when they need me most. We're all going through this together and I'm just over here all, "peace out!!". I should be with them. We need each other. I know I'm replaceable.. I know there are others here, I'm not leaving anyone on their own. But I want to be here with them. I want to be here for play dates, to be a shoulder to cry on, to celebrate countdowns, to have dinner with when they don't want to eat alone for one.more.night, you get the point. I hope I can do well at being supportive from afar!
I don't know if it was the smartest move to give up our house. This is our space and we're comfortable here. Andrew's stuff was all in it's place. I can walk around without a bra on if I want. (and I want). We do as we please.. it's home. I feel like this part of the deployment would have been much easier had we not decided to move me home. Obviously.
A few months ago, I was dying for a break from living on an Army post. I was sick of pulling my ID out everywhere we went. I was tired of driving so slow that I could walk faster, and if I saw ONE MORE TINY BIT OF CAMO....
Now, I'm clinging to any little bit of it. Maybe that would have been a nice little reminder while he is gone. Maybe some familiarity would have done me good. I'll miss all of the "welcome home" signs, yellow ribbons and day-to-day ceremonies out on the parade field.
But, I don't know... I think maybe my mind is just clinging on to anything it can. At this point, I just have to trust that I'm doing the right thing. I'll be glad to have family around when I'm going into labor that's for sure! And for just day to day life. I know I'll be thankful for them. It'll be cheaper, that's for sure, and I feel like I'm contributing to our family by being able to pay down debt and build a hefty savings account. But, I also sort of feel like I'm not being as supportive to Trey as I could be by going home. But I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there.
That's about all I have at this point. I'm surprised I was able to semi-decently put some real thoughts down in all reality.
We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. There I feel better already.....
Showing posts with label Am I crazy?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Am I crazy?. Show all posts
November 20, 2012
April 11, 2012
A bit of an emotional walk
I've started a new walking routine over the past few weeks. Yeah yeah, it's great for my health. But y'all.. it's even better for my sanity. An hour. Peace and Quiet. Jammin' out to the pod and NOT to wheels on the Bus. Nobody tugging on me. The rest of the world is blocked out. Just me, my tunes, and a nice view of the mountains. And sometimes... SOMETIMES.. when I get home.. a certain little boy is already asleep. And yes, if you're wondering, that does thrill me. It may make me sound horrid, but I promise it makes me a better mama in the morning.
So tonight started like any other night. I'm walking, walking, running for 5 seconds (I kid.. more like 7), walking and all of a sudden a song comes on that takes me back to The Oakcrest House. (A very select few of you know what I'm talking about. For those that don't.. I'll sum it up: College years. Living in a big house with a group of friends. In-ground pool. Every weekend night get-togethers). Said song came on.. of which I won't divulge to protect my reputation.. and I started cracking up. Laughing hysterically. Ahhh the memories. We all had some good times.
Less than 5 minutes later, I pass a house that has a big banner flying on the porch. I smiled to myself before I even knew what it said, because I knew what it was for. Someone was getting, or recently had gotten, their soldier back. I look closer and it says, "WELCOME HOME DADDY. We love our brave soldier". I almost lost it. I did have tears. Right there on the track, mere minutes away from my fit of laughter.
It was happy tears. I don't know the family, but that doesn't matter. My heart SWELLED with joy. We all feel each other's joy as well as the pain. Whoever this family is, is now complete. I imagined the reunion. The kid/s running up to their Daddy giving him a huge bear hug. The wife happy again in a way she hasn't completely been since he's left. They're together. I know we'll have a reason to fly our proud banner on our porch in the future and my mind daydreams about that already.. before he's even left. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a reunion.
Lord help if anyone was watching me too closely. They may have put me in for a Psych Eval.
So tonight started like any other night. I'm walking, walking, running for 5 seconds (I kid.. more like 7), walking and all of a sudden a song comes on that takes me back to The Oakcrest House. (A very select few of you know what I'm talking about. For those that don't.. I'll sum it up: College years. Living in a big house with a group of friends. In-ground pool. Every weekend night get-togethers). Said song came on.. of which I won't divulge to protect my reputation.. and I started cracking up. Laughing hysterically. Ahhh the memories. We all had some good times.
Less than 5 minutes later, I pass a house that has a big banner flying on the porch. I smiled to myself before I even knew what it said, because I knew what it was for. Someone was getting, or recently had gotten, their soldier back. I look closer and it says, "WELCOME HOME DADDY. We love our brave soldier". I almost lost it. I did have tears. Right there on the track, mere minutes away from my fit of laughter.
It was happy tears. I don't know the family, but that doesn't matter. My heart SWELLED with joy. We all feel each other's joy as well as the pain. Whoever this family is, is now complete. I imagined the reunion. The kid/s running up to their Daddy giving him a huge bear hug. The wife happy again in a way she hasn't completely been since he's left. They're together. I know we'll have a reason to fly our proud banner on our porch in the future and my mind daydreams about that already.. before he's even left. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a reunion.
Lord help if anyone was watching me too closely. They may have put me in for a Psych Eval.
February 24, 2012
Life without Facebook
I've been Facebook-free for 2 days now and am doing better than I thought I would. Does it sound like I'm trying to get off the bottle? That's what it feels like!
It feels good to not have the need to check in with it all the time! It sounds so silly, I don't know why I felt like I needed to see what people had to say to me 23948628765 times a day?! I'm not sure why I cared so much. Either way, now it's just not here and I don't have to worry about it. Win. I did, however, gasp out loud when I realized I'd be Facebook-free on my birthday. How are all 300-something of my friends going to leave me Happy Birthday wishes??? Lame. I can't believe I thought that thought.
My house is in... mmm.. while I wouldn't say tiptop shape... it's not a cluttered mess that's stressing me out either. Not that it was ALL THE TIME. But ughhh sometimes I would sacrifice a load of laundry here and there if I got sucked in to browsing. I did 5 loads of laundry yesterday. 5. And they're all folded and put up. Okay okay.. there are a few towels left in the dryer, but vast improvement, I tell ya.
I'm enjoying the little moments with Andrew a lot more. We had a picnic the other day. Technically it was before I pulled the plug, but I was already planning on it so it still counts.
Very serious about watching King of the Hill in comfort. Both of them. He freaked every time Trey stopped rocking him. Not lying.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who got/is so caught up in Facebook. Feel free to let me know how addicted you are so I feel a little less like a loser.
It feels good to not have the need to check in with it all the time! It sounds so silly, I don't know why I felt like I needed to see what people had to say to me 23948628765 times a day?! I'm not sure why I cared so much. Either way, now it's just not here and I don't have to worry about it. Win. I did, however, gasp out loud when I realized I'd be Facebook-free on my birthday. How are all 300-something of my friends going to leave me Happy Birthday wishes??? Lame. I can't believe I thought that thought.
My house is in... mmm.. while I wouldn't say tiptop shape... it's not a cluttered mess that's stressing me out either. Not that it was ALL THE TIME. But ughhh sometimes I would sacrifice a load of laundry here and there if I got sucked in to browsing. I did 5 loads of laundry yesterday. 5. And they're all folded and put up. Okay okay.. there are a few towels left in the dryer, but vast improvement, I tell ya.
I'm enjoying the little moments with Andrew a lot more. We had a picnic the other day. Technically it was before I pulled the plug, but I was already planning on it so it still counts.
We babysat for a friend last night. It was good to find out how incredibly jealous Andrew will be with a someday new baby. Better to be prepared, right? Also good to know that he will enjoy reliving his babyhood through baby equipment we'll have to bring back out.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who got/is so caught up in Facebook. Feel free to let me know how addicted you are so I feel a little less like a loser.
February 22, 2012
40 days!!
I can't believe what I'm getting ready to type up.
I'm giving up Facebook for Lent. Legitimately. Like deactivating my account for 40 days. I know it's really easy to get on and reactivate it with the click or two of a button, but I won't do it. It's going to be pathetically hard for me.
It's not even that I'm a practicing Catholic. Well, a Catholic at all for that matter. But now's as good a time as ever, right? Part of my NY resolution was to cut WAY back on my time on the addictive website. I was going to get on once a day. I failed miserably. Right from the start. I honestly don't know if I even made it a day.
So now I'm just going to go cold turkey. It can't be a bad thing. More time doing quality activities with Andrew. More time focusing on Trey (he is over the moon happy that I am doing this). More time in prayer and maybe finally starting that book I've been wanting to get around to, Calm My Anxious Heart (and do the actual Bible Study if my notebook ever comes in). More time getting stuff done that I WANT to get done. It's not like I sat in front of the computer for hours as it is, but it was up for the majority of the day. So I could always glance at it. I know Andrew knows that my attention wasn't fully on him when I was stalking FB. That's not really fair. I wonder what he would say about that if he could talk...
I'm pulling the plug on it tonight. My mom might cry because she won't see 1000 pictures of Andrew. My biggest fans might be screaming, "nooooo" right now because they won't be able to read the little thoughts that go through my head throughout the day. Don't worry, I'll be back in 40 days. My hope is that I won't be quite as into it when this is all over with.
This is going to sound so very egocentric to me, but I know some of my family only reads this little blog of mine when I post a link to it on FB. If you still want to see what my little family is up to, or see pictures of Andrew from time to time, you can always click "follow" on the sidebar to the right and keep up with us that way.
I'll also need a favor from my El Paso friends! Please tell me when all of these little events come up (you all know the ones I like to go to) so I'm still in the know! Ha! I don't know how to live without FB.. I'm telling you. It's so sad.
I hope that my good friends will keep me in mind when they are posting exciting news or an adorable picture of their kid to FB, and cater to me by also sending it to my cellie!
I'm giving up Facebook for Lent. Legitimately. Like deactivating my account for 40 days. I know it's really easy to get on and reactivate it with the click or two of a button, but I won't do it. It's going to be pathetically hard for me.
It's not even that I'm a practicing Catholic. Well, a Catholic at all for that matter. But now's as good a time as ever, right? Part of my NY resolution was to cut WAY back on my time on the addictive website. I was going to get on once a day. I failed miserably. Right from the start. I honestly don't know if I even made it a day.
So now I'm just going to go cold turkey. It can't be a bad thing. More time doing quality activities with Andrew. More time focusing on Trey (he is over the moon happy that I am doing this). More time in prayer and maybe finally starting that book I've been wanting to get around to, Calm My Anxious Heart (and do the actual Bible Study if my notebook ever comes in). More time getting stuff done that I WANT to get done. It's not like I sat in front of the computer for hours as it is, but it was up for the majority of the day. So I could always glance at it. I know Andrew knows that my attention wasn't fully on him when I was stalking FB. That's not really fair. I wonder what he would say about that if he could talk...
I'm pulling the plug on it tonight. My mom might cry because she won't see 1000 pictures of Andrew. My biggest fans might be screaming, "nooooo" right now because they won't be able to read the little thoughts that go through my head throughout the day. Don't worry, I'll be back in 40 days. My hope is that I won't be quite as into it when this is all over with.
This is going to sound so very egocentric to me, but I know some of my family only reads this little blog of mine when I post a link to it on FB. If you still want to see what my little family is up to, or see pictures of Andrew from time to time, you can always click "follow" on the sidebar to the right and keep up with us that way.
I'll also need a favor from my El Paso friends! Please tell me when all of these little events come up (you all know the ones I like to go to) so I'm still in the know! Ha! I don't know how to live without FB.. I'm telling you. It's so sad.
I hope that my good friends will keep me in mind when they are posting exciting news or an adorable picture of their kid to FB, and cater to me by also sending it to my cellie!
December 16, 2011
Thoughts from the shower
I do my best thinking from the shower. I can't be the only one. I really think it's the only time of day that I am truly alone. All day. No toddler pulling me in one direction in the other. I don't hear kiddy sing along music or the sound of "ca's" driving around the house. No husband to interrupt my thoughts with a random conversation about work, football, or brilliant ideas that only he could think up. No phone ringing or beeping with text messages. Nothing. Just me, steam, and silence.
Most shower sessions are very random. For instance...
1) Why does it seem, that even though most everyone we all know are adults, that a lot of the times we can't talk to each other like adults. I find that often, when people are mad at each other/thinks someone's upset with them/ has their feelings hurt, that it's based off of assumptions. We assume tone through text or email and don't clarify. We hear something that someone said and let it fester forever. Someone unknowingly does something to hurt our feelings and we never clear the air. I think, as a general rule, most of us hate confrontation, even if it's done in a kind, gentle manner. We don't pick up the phone and ask our friend or family member what they meant by that text and make sure we weren't reading into it. We stick a tone into it and let ourselves get all worked up.. possibly over nothing. When rumors are started and we hear that so and so said this or that about you (or anything like that) we play into it instead of talking to said person and finding out what's really going on. When our feelings are hurt, we don't sit down with the person who did whatever it may be and let them know how it made you feel.
I'm not talking about myself at the moment or any certain situation (I don't want my friends reading this and racking their minds over whether or not they did something to hurt me.. ha!) I try to put my fear of confrontation to the side and talk things out with people. If our relationship is important enough to me, you'll know if something is wrong. I've just seen this happening a few times lately and it makes me sad. Important relationships that you may really benefit from aren't even given a chance because of assumptions.
If you feel like I'm talking to you right now, and again, I'm not speaking to anyone in particular, maybe you should think about this and work on fixing a relationship over the holiday. Tis the season, right? Yes, I do feel like every bit of a Hallmark commercial, but just go with me here. I felt the need to share, maybe someone needed to hear it!
2) Trey took on a temporary position (that he someday in the near future will actually hold) this month and let me tell you.. I almost forget what he looks like! He's working very long days and we hardly see him. I've been sick with strep and exhausted, but not really complaining (to him at least.. my poor girlfriends!), but the other night he came home and let me know just how badly he felt about it all. He was actually apologizing. It was a particular night that he wasn't home until after 8 and had been gone since 6:30. I let him know that, although it's been a little difficult and tiring, he had no reason to be feeling badly or apologizing. I know that if he could choose, he'd be right here with us. First of all, he's getting great experience and is actually enjoying himself. Secondly, I don't have to worry about whether or not he's hurt or alive at the moment. Too many of my friends' husbands are deployed and 4 guys from their unit have been killed in action over the past two weeks. Enough said. He's home. He's safe. You won't see me complaining.. too much.
3) I don't have any Christmas presents wrapped and it's the last thing I feel like doing. It's all big chunky toys. I don't know how to wrap things like that.
4) I thought I was dying last week. At the very least, I couldn't explain why I was so tired. I couldn't make it through the day without either napping when Drew did or crashing as soon as he went to bed. Turns out I had strep throat. A day and 1/2 on my antibiotics and I feel like a new woman! Such a relief!
That's all. My thoughts aren't always as involved. Sometimes they are ridiculous and wouldn't be deserving of a blog post. Like the last two points. But some need a way to get out!
Most shower sessions are very random. For instance...
1) Why does it seem, that even though most everyone we all know are adults, that a lot of the times we can't talk to each other like adults. I find that often, when people are mad at each other/thinks someone's upset with them/ has their feelings hurt, that it's based off of assumptions. We assume tone through text or email and don't clarify. We hear something that someone said and let it fester forever. Someone unknowingly does something to hurt our feelings and we never clear the air. I think, as a general rule, most of us hate confrontation, even if it's done in a kind, gentle manner. We don't pick up the phone and ask our friend or family member what they meant by that text and make sure we weren't reading into it. We stick a tone into it and let ourselves get all worked up.. possibly over nothing. When rumors are started and we hear that so and so said this or that about you (or anything like that) we play into it instead of talking to said person and finding out what's really going on. When our feelings are hurt, we don't sit down with the person who did whatever it may be and let them know how it made you feel.
I'm not talking about myself at the moment or any certain situation (I don't want my friends reading this and racking their minds over whether or not they did something to hurt me.. ha!) I try to put my fear of confrontation to the side and talk things out with people. If our relationship is important enough to me, you'll know if something is wrong. I've just seen this happening a few times lately and it makes me sad. Important relationships that you may really benefit from aren't even given a chance because of assumptions.
If you feel like I'm talking to you right now, and again, I'm not speaking to anyone in particular, maybe you should think about this and work on fixing a relationship over the holiday. Tis the season, right? Yes, I do feel like every bit of a Hallmark commercial, but just go with me here. I felt the need to share, maybe someone needed to hear it!
2) Trey took on a temporary position (that he someday in the near future will actually hold) this month and let me tell you.. I almost forget what he looks like! He's working very long days and we hardly see him. I've been sick with strep and exhausted, but not really complaining (to him at least.. my poor girlfriends!), but the other night he came home and let me know just how badly he felt about it all. He was actually apologizing. It was a particular night that he wasn't home until after 8 and had been gone since 6:30. I let him know that, although it's been a little difficult and tiring, he had no reason to be feeling badly or apologizing. I know that if he could choose, he'd be right here with us. First of all, he's getting great experience and is actually enjoying himself. Secondly, I don't have to worry about whether or not he's hurt or alive at the moment. Too many of my friends' husbands are deployed and 4 guys from their unit have been killed in action over the past two weeks. Enough said. He's home. He's safe. You won't see me complaining.. too much.
3) I don't have any Christmas presents wrapped and it's the last thing I feel like doing. It's all big chunky toys. I don't know how to wrap things like that.
4) I thought I was dying last week. At the very least, I couldn't explain why I was so tired. I couldn't make it through the day without either napping when Drew did or crashing as soon as he went to bed. Turns out I had strep throat. A day and 1/2 on my antibiotics and I feel like a new woman! Such a relief!
That's all. My thoughts aren't always as involved. Sometimes they are ridiculous and wouldn't be deserving of a blog post. Like the last two points. But some need a way to get out!
December 13, 2011
Torn
December always seems to fly by faster than any other month doesn't it? Happily chaotic seems to be the right description of my life in December. Especially since we moved away. It's a month chock-full of giddiness, mushiness, and love. Lights and decorations everywhere. Cookie baking. Shopping. Gift exchanging. Cookie eating. Picture taking. Packing. Flying. Xanax. (What? It's nerve-wrecking flying with a toddler. Especially by yourself.) Visiting. Flying some more.
Chaotic, but I love it all. Well, most of it. I could really skip the whole flying part, but it's a necessary factor unfortunately. An unpleasant means to get to the desired end.
Trey and I are leaving soon since he has block leave. We'll be flying together to Alabama.(He hasn't been home since he joined the Army.. he's a little stoked). After some time there he will fly home and I'll be driving to SC. He had a few more days of leave, but I didn't want to rush my time with my family. He wanted to get back early anyways, so our plan worked out.
I'm so excited to have that extra time to spend with them.. I haven't seen them since March.. but I have to admit to having mixed feelings about it.
Let's just say that after having 9 New Years together, the next two we'll be apart. This year is by our choice. Next year, not so much. I feel terrible for choosing to spend that time away from him when next year we won't have that option. Will I regret that? Not that I can do anything to change the situation now.. changing tickets is expensive. And I'm so much looking forward to spending time with my family, that I don't know that I would even if it were free. Which makes me feel even more terrible.
I know that I'll have a great time. I know that I want Andrew to get that time with his grandparents. It will all be fine and I'll be flying back here to the EP before we know it. I'm sure I'll have a bad moment or two on NYE where I'll be missing him to pieces and feeling bad that we're not together.
But I'll enjoy my family 100% while I'm able to be under the same roof as them. Then I'll come home and make the most out of the next year with my best friend. And hopefully my parents will visit us in 2012 :) *hint hint*
Waaaaa - my heart's a little torn!
Chaotic, but I love it all. Well, most of it. I could really skip the whole flying part, but it's a necessary factor unfortunately. An unpleasant means to get to the desired end.
Trey and I are leaving soon since he has block leave. We'll be flying together to Alabama.(He hasn't been home since he joined the Army.. he's a little stoked). After some time there he will fly home and I'll be driving to SC. He had a few more days of leave, but I didn't want to rush my time with my family. He wanted to get back early anyways, so our plan worked out.
I'm so excited to have that extra time to spend with them.. I haven't seen them since March.. but I have to admit to having mixed feelings about it.
Let's just say that after having 9 New Years together, the next two we'll be apart. This year is by our choice. Next year, not so much. I feel terrible for choosing to spend that time away from him when next year we won't have that option. Will I regret that? Not that I can do anything to change the situation now.. changing tickets is expensive. And I'm so much looking forward to spending time with my family, that I don't know that I would even if it were free. Which makes me feel even more terrible.
I know that I'll have a great time. I know that I want Andrew to get that time with his grandparents. It will all be fine and I'll be flying back here to the EP before we know it. I'm sure I'll have a bad moment or two on NYE where I'll be missing him to pieces and feeling bad that we're not together.
But I'll enjoy my family 100% while I'm able to be under the same roof as them. Then I'll come home and make the most out of the next year with my best friend. And hopefully my parents will visit us in 2012 :) *hint hint*
Waaaaa - my heart's a little torn!
October 5, 2011
Overwhelmed
I may have set a new record for myself. Longest days straight without blogging? Possibly! It feels like it.
I was doing so well there for a while. I have a section in my super awesome organization binder just for blogging. So I always have a place to jot down ideas when they come to me. (Because after three years of blogging.. almost going on 4 I think(!!)... that's how my brain works. Blog worthy or non-blog worthy events). I have a schedule set up and I usually have so many ideas in my head that, on Sundays I can map out my week of posts. And I mean.. it does get planned out. But you see where that's gotten me.
I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. A lot of it is perceived as worse than it really is, I think, because Andrew has decided that 5am is the ideal time to wake up for the day. Not cool, kid, not cool at all. I've gotten to the point over the past two mornings that I'm just turning the monitor off and let him cry.. not because I'm cruel.. but he's GOT to remember that's it's much more fun to sleep until 6:30. I don't fall back asleep anyways, because I can tell that he's not going to go back to sleep. And we're all out of bed by 5:30 and starting our day. Sounds miserable, doesn't it? It is.
Then, I mean... he's 13 months old. I guess that's the magic number with kids... you know.. the one where they start to get extremely determined to have their way. I know it's normal and I know it comes with the territory. If we were sleeping until a decent hour of the morning, I think I could handle it better. But an exhaustion that coffee can't even kick makes tantrums harder to deal with. It makes it hard to get excited about going outside for the 10th time in one day. Please don't get me wrong.. I love how much he can interact with me now. I love that part of this stage. He's almost walking. He's doing better and better about showing me what he wants. He's so incredibly lovey. Sometimes I feel like we're having real conversations. He laughs so much. But I have to get better at planning actual activities with him. Which I've always been excited to do. Doesn't he realize that if he'd just let me sleep for an extra hour and 1/2, we'd have so much more fun?!
My rope is very thin these days. Gone are the days where I could take him anywhere I pleased and he sits and smiles and let's me do my thing. Ha! Gone are the simple days at the Grocery store. Gone are the days where he'd basically do anything I wanted him to do. The nerve of him to have an opinion of his own!
So.. we fight battles daily. I win some, I lose some. Plenty of tears are shed... mostly from him ;) He kicks and screams and yells all of his frustration out multiple times a day. By 4:00 I think I'm going to lose my ever loving mind if I hear one more shriek/cry/scream. Trey comes home and I fight the urge to run out the door while he has it open (kidding, kidding.. kind of). And then it's all forgotten the second he says, "mama" in that sweet little voice. Or cuddles up to me to read. Or hugs his dog or glow worm. Or even better.. me.
I know this is just a season. Can you tell that I have to tell myself that a lot? I have less and less time for myself, but I know that's only going to diminish even more so. I'll be okay with that eventually. I'm just having a hard time balancing all my roles. Wife. Mother. Friend. Daughter. Between wife and mother... I'm really, really slacking at being a good friend. Any free time I get that's not used on Andrew goes to trying to keep my house in some sort of an order. My poor friends! I can't tell you how many emails have sat there.. unanswered. I do good to answer a text message the day after I get it. I've been a huge flake all around and even screwed up with a play date. I feel terrible.
I know I will sort everything out. I'll adjust. I'll be able to balance everything better. I know I need to MAKE time for myself. To get to PWOC (I didn't make it this morning and it crushed me), to blog (I NEED to blog), to.. ya know.. have a conversation with a friend (If I have any left ;) )
So bear with me. If anyone has figured toddlers and time management out, feel free to leave me your magic tips!
I was doing so well there for a while. I have a section in my super awesome organization binder just for blogging. So I always have a place to jot down ideas when they come to me. (Because after three years of blogging.. almost going on 4 I think(!!)... that's how my brain works. Blog worthy or non-blog worthy events). I have a schedule set up and I usually have so many ideas in my head that, on Sundays I can map out my week of posts. And I mean.. it does get planned out. But you see where that's gotten me.
I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. A lot of it is perceived as worse than it really is, I think, because Andrew has decided that 5am is the ideal time to wake up for the day. Not cool, kid, not cool at all. I've gotten to the point over the past two mornings that I'm just turning the monitor off and let him cry.. not because I'm cruel.. but he's GOT to remember that's it's much more fun to sleep until 6:30. I don't fall back asleep anyways, because I can tell that he's not going to go back to sleep. And we're all out of bed by 5:30 and starting our day. Sounds miserable, doesn't it? It is.
Then, I mean... he's 13 months old. I guess that's the magic number with kids... you know.. the one where they start to get extremely determined to have their way. I know it's normal and I know it comes with the territory. If we were sleeping until a decent hour of the morning, I think I could handle it better. But an exhaustion that coffee can't even kick makes tantrums harder to deal with. It makes it hard to get excited about going outside for the 10th time in one day. Please don't get me wrong.. I love how much he can interact with me now. I love that part of this stage. He's almost walking. He's doing better and better about showing me what he wants. He's so incredibly lovey. Sometimes I feel like we're having real conversations. He laughs so much. But I have to get better at planning actual activities with him. Which I've always been excited to do. Doesn't he realize that if he'd just let me sleep for an extra hour and 1/2, we'd have so much more fun?!
My rope is very thin these days. Gone are the days where I could take him anywhere I pleased and he sits and smiles and let's me do my thing. Ha! Gone are the simple days at the Grocery store. Gone are the days where he'd basically do anything I wanted him to do. The nerve of him to have an opinion of his own!
So.. we fight battles daily. I win some, I lose some. Plenty of tears are shed... mostly from him ;) He kicks and screams and yells all of his frustration out multiple times a day. By 4:00 I think I'm going to lose my ever loving mind if I hear one more shriek/cry/scream. Trey comes home and I fight the urge to run out the door while he has it open (kidding, kidding.. kind of). And then it's all forgotten the second he says, "mama" in that sweet little voice. Or cuddles up to me to read. Or hugs his dog or glow worm. Or even better.. me.
I know this is just a season. Can you tell that I have to tell myself that a lot? I have less and less time for myself, but I know that's only going to diminish even more so. I'll be okay with that eventually. I'm just having a hard time balancing all my roles. Wife. Mother. Friend. Daughter. Between wife and mother... I'm really, really slacking at being a good friend. Any free time I get that's not used on Andrew goes to trying to keep my house in some sort of an order. My poor friends! I can't tell you how many emails have sat there.. unanswered. I do good to answer a text message the day after I get it. I've been a huge flake all around and even screwed up with a play date. I feel terrible.
I know I will sort everything out. I'll adjust. I'll be able to balance everything better. I know I need to MAKE time for myself. To get to PWOC (I didn't make it this morning and it crushed me), to blog (I NEED to blog), to.. ya know.. have a conversation with a friend (If I have any left ;) )
So bear with me. If anyone has figured toddlers and time management out, feel free to leave me your magic tips!
September 13, 2011
The wife I want to be
Proverbs 31
10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!
Wow.. did you read all that? That's a lot to live up to, right?!?
About two weeks ago, Sara Horn, who writes, My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife, came to our kick-off day of PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel). She was an awesome speaker. She opened right up and made you feel like you've known her all your life. She is a military wife herself, and shared some of her experiences that led her to write this book. I could go on and on about her and what she said, but then this post would be much longer than it already is going to be... so let's get more to the point!
My friend Ashley, who was with me, won Sara's book and I wasted no time in demanding that she hand it over to me as soon as she was done. Mistake numero uno. Who would have guessed that she'd finish it in like 3 days? Not I. Mistake numero dos. Of course, with her raving about it, I couldn't wait to start it. And of course I'm sucked in. And now, of course, I'm on the mission to become a better wife.
I may get some rolling of the eyes with this one, but I'm going to put it all out there anyways. My blog, right?
I've been trying for two weeks now..scratch that.. I've been fighting with myself in my head for two weeks now... about how I'm going to go about this. I've been actually trying for two days. Yes, I want to be a better wife, and mother on that note. Yes, I want to make better use of my time. But how? Where am I going to find more time in the day? Where's all of that energy needed going to come from. Can I really do everything without complaining? What if he doesn't notice? I'm supposed to just keep picking up after everyone with no thanks? What if I fail?
I have a lot to work on. I need to develop A LOT more patience. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him with everything I've got, but my heavens he can infuriate me! I'm signing up to "never be spiteful and treat him generously all my life long". That, my friends, is a long time... hopefully. I'm just now developing a crafty side, but I sure am not about to be knitting and sewing. I mean.. I think I can learn to sew a button on. My husband knows how.. maybe he can teach me. "Up before down, preparing breakfast"??? Seriously? Does the coffee maker even work before dawn? " She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day." Yes, I understand that keeping up house and home is important.. and I like to have a clean house. Clean clothes are kind of important too. As is dinner being made every night. But, no hurry to call it quits? I can't call it quits soon enough! There's more.. read it for yourself. Something like making my own clothing, my clothes always being elegant, and always saying kind things and having a smile on my face.
Gosh.. is this woman perfect, or what? Do I think I can do ALL of this? No. Not a chance. But I can be a better wife than I have been, that's for sure. I guess that's my point in all of this jumbled mess. My husband works hard for us.. for me to be able to stay home and raise our son. He's up and out the door way before the sun is even thinking about coming up. He shouldn't have to come home and do any work around the house after that (IMO). It's not JUST for him, though. He never, ever complains about anything. He thinks I'm pretty amazing just the way I am. But, it's also for me. Having my house in disarray stresses me out to.the.max. I hate to see clutter. I hate to see crap all over the place when it shouldn't be there. I hate to see laundry pile up and I hate even more so to have to do multiple loads at a time. I LOVE organization. I love to feel put together. I love to have good meals planned and cooked to feed my boys. I love to feel like I have a purpose. And for now.. this IS my purpose. To take care of my family.
So, how am I going to make this work? What is my plan?
First and foremost, I had to admit something to myself that embarrassed me. I'm pretty positive that there are a lot of others who can say the same. I had to cut out A LOT of internet time. I can be fairly certain when I say I have an addiction to the internet. To Facebook more specifically. I'm not sure why other than, on some days, it's my only form of communication with an adult. I'm sure it runs much deeper than that, though, but the why isn't important here. Maybe we can delve into that at a later time. Maybe.
I'm forcing myself to shut down the computer more often. I'm making a weekly list of things I want/need to get done and I will not go to bed before it's all done. I'm realistic. It's not like I'm not giving myself a moment to breath. I'm just more disciplined. I WILL get everything done. I'm making a very detailed planner with my friend Jaci later on this week and I'm sure that will be a big help. The main motivator will be pretty new pens.
I'm making a conscience effort to be nicer to Trey. It's not like I'm evil to him as it is, but I'm going to make an effort to bring him up more. To hold my tongue when I want to lay into him. To compliment him more. To trust his instincts more. To let him lead the way without doubting him. To stop nagging. To stop complaining when I have to put his dish in the dishwasher or his coke can in the recycling bin... again. I'm very strong willed and stubborn... so this is going to be harder for me than it sounds.
I want to be more creative with dinner plans. Try different, more nutritious meals.
I want to interactively play with my son more. I feel like I already do a good enough job with this. But, I want to better than "good enough". Now that the weather is cooling off, I want to take him outside more. I don't want to turn him down so much when he points to the door and says, "utahh" (outside). I'll go out with him more and play in rocks and dirt. Take him to the park more and for more walks. Sit and play with his new ABC puzzle. Read more.
I think that is a good starting point. Will I change overnight? No way. Will I need to call a friend to vent at times? Most definitely. Will I get the praise I'm looking for? Probably not at first. Will this improve my marriage? I'm very confident that over time, it will. I'm confident in the fact that this will pay off. That Trey will notice the effort I'm making and start trying harder himself. My main goal isn't to get anything from him in return, but it wouldn't hurt. That would just improve things even more so. But I have to start with myself.
So there you have it. A plan to improve myself and my marriage out there for the world to see. Thoughts? Ideas? Has anyone read this book? I'd love to know!
10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!
Wow.. did you read all that? That's a lot to live up to, right?!?
About two weeks ago, Sara Horn, who writes, My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife, came to our kick-off day of PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel). She was an awesome speaker. She opened right up and made you feel like you've known her all your life. She is a military wife herself, and shared some of her experiences that led her to write this book. I could go on and on about her and what she said, but then this post would be much longer than it already is going to be... so let's get more to the point!
My friend Ashley, who was with me, won Sara's book and I wasted no time in demanding that she hand it over to me as soon as she was done. Mistake numero uno. Who would have guessed that she'd finish it in like 3 days? Not I. Mistake numero dos. Of course, with her raving about it, I couldn't wait to start it. And of course I'm sucked in. And now, of course, I'm on the mission to become a better wife.
I may get some rolling of the eyes with this one, but I'm going to put it all out there anyways. My blog, right?
I've been trying for two weeks now..scratch that.. I've been fighting with myself in my head for two weeks now... about how I'm going to go about this. I've been actually trying for two days. Yes, I want to be a better wife, and mother on that note. Yes, I want to make better use of my time. But how? Where am I going to find more time in the day? Where's all of that energy needed going to come from. Can I really do everything without complaining? What if he doesn't notice? I'm supposed to just keep picking up after everyone with no thanks? What if I fail?
I have a lot to work on. I need to develop A LOT more patience. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him with everything I've got, but my heavens he can infuriate me! I'm signing up to "never be spiteful and treat him generously all my life long". That, my friends, is a long time... hopefully. I'm just now developing a crafty side, but I sure am not about to be knitting and sewing. I mean.. I think I can learn to sew a button on. My husband knows how.. maybe he can teach me. "Up before down, preparing breakfast"??? Seriously? Does the coffee maker even work before dawn? " She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day." Yes, I understand that keeping up house and home is important.. and I like to have a clean house. Clean clothes are kind of important too. As is dinner being made every night. But, no hurry to call it quits? I can't call it quits soon enough! There's more.. read it for yourself. Something like making my own clothing, my clothes always being elegant, and always saying kind things and having a smile on my face.
Gosh.. is this woman perfect, or what? Do I think I can do ALL of this? No. Not a chance. But I can be a better wife than I have been, that's for sure. I guess that's my point in all of this jumbled mess. My husband works hard for us.. for me to be able to stay home and raise our son. He's up and out the door way before the sun is even thinking about coming up. He shouldn't have to come home and do any work around the house after that (IMO). It's not JUST for him, though. He never, ever complains about anything. He thinks I'm pretty amazing just the way I am. But, it's also for me. Having my house in disarray stresses me out to.the.max. I hate to see clutter. I hate to see crap all over the place when it shouldn't be there. I hate to see laundry pile up and I hate even more so to have to do multiple loads at a time. I LOVE organization. I love to feel put together. I love to have good meals planned and cooked to feed my boys. I love to feel like I have a purpose. And for now.. this IS my purpose. To take care of my family.
So, how am I going to make this work? What is my plan?
First and foremost, I had to admit something to myself that embarrassed me. I'm pretty positive that there are a lot of others who can say the same. I had to cut out A LOT of internet time. I can be fairly certain when I say I have an addiction to the internet. To Facebook more specifically. I'm not sure why other than, on some days, it's my only form of communication with an adult. I'm sure it runs much deeper than that, though, but the why isn't important here. Maybe we can delve into that at a later time. Maybe.
I'm forcing myself to shut down the computer more often. I'm making a weekly list of things I want/need to get done and I will not go to bed before it's all done. I'm realistic. It's not like I'm not giving myself a moment to breath. I'm just more disciplined. I WILL get everything done. I'm making a very detailed planner with my friend Jaci later on this week and I'm sure that will be a big help. The main motivator will be pretty new pens.
I'm making a conscience effort to be nicer to Trey. It's not like I'm evil to him as it is, but I'm going to make an effort to bring him up more. To hold my tongue when I want to lay into him. To compliment him more. To trust his instincts more. To let him lead the way without doubting him. To stop nagging. To stop complaining when I have to put his dish in the dishwasher or his coke can in the recycling bin... again. I'm very strong willed and stubborn... so this is going to be harder for me than it sounds.
I want to be more creative with dinner plans. Try different, more nutritious meals.
I want to interactively play with my son more. I feel like I already do a good enough job with this. But, I want to better than "good enough". Now that the weather is cooling off, I want to take him outside more. I don't want to turn him down so much when he points to the door and says, "utahh" (outside). I'll go out with him more and play in rocks and dirt. Take him to the park more and for more walks. Sit and play with his new ABC puzzle. Read more.
I think that is a good starting point. Will I change overnight? No way. Will I need to call a friend to vent at times? Most definitely. Will I get the praise I'm looking for? Probably not at first. Will this improve my marriage? I'm very confident that over time, it will. I'm confident in the fact that this will pay off. That Trey will notice the effort I'm making and start trying harder himself. My main goal isn't to get anything from him in return, but it wouldn't hurt. That would just improve things even more so. But I have to start with myself.
So there you have it. A plan to improve myself and my marriage out there for the world to see. Thoughts? Ideas? Has anyone read this book? I'd love to know!
April 15, 2011
Day 10: Scaredy Cat
I have strange fears. I think we've touched on this a few times, so I won't dwell. But for the sake of any new readers, here's my list:
1. Insects. This is a huge fear. It effects my quality of life. Ask my SIL about the bee that decided it liked our flowers and tormented us as she is saying her vows. I about ran away. It would have gotten the same reaction had it been a fly or moth though.
2. Clowns. Creepy.. 'nuf* said.
3. Bridges. I do feel like I am overcoming this one. I can look at the pretty water if I'm not driving with only mild hand sweat. I'm convinced a simple overpass is going to come crashing down if I'm the one driving though.
Those are my biggest fears, so we'll stop there. Losing the people I love most are back there nagging at my mind, but I don't know if that could be quite labeled as a fear.. maybe more so something I dread.. because it's going to happen, right? Although, I could list losing Andrew.. because that's NOT supposed to happen and I can't even fathom the thought.
What a depressing note to end on.. Off to watch Just Wright. The husband is thrilled. Serves him right for making me sit through Hot Tub Time Machine last weekend!
*'nuf is a real word according to spell checker.. whoddathunkit?
1. Insects. This is a huge fear. It effects my quality of life. Ask my SIL about the bee that decided it liked our flowers and tormented us as she is saying her vows. I about ran away. It would have gotten the same reaction had it been a fly or moth though.
2. Clowns. Creepy.. 'nuf* said.
3. Bridges. I do feel like I am overcoming this one. I can look at the pretty water if I'm not driving with only mild hand sweat. I'm convinced a simple overpass is going to come crashing down if I'm the one driving though.
Those are my biggest fears, so we'll stop there. Losing the people I love most are back there nagging at my mind, but I don't know if that could be quite labeled as a fear.. maybe more so something I dread.. because it's going to happen, right? Although, I could list losing Andrew.. because that's NOT supposed to happen and I can't even fathom the thought.
What a depressing note to end on.. Off to watch Just Wright. The husband is thrilled. Serves him right for making me sit through Hot Tub Time Machine last weekend!
*'nuf is a real word according to spell checker.. whoddathunkit?
January 8, 2011
First Night Alone
We should be excited right? Not.At.All.
Trey and I have his unit's ball tonight and we are leaving Andrew with a very trusted older couple that we are friends with. He's spending the night with them :(
They have two grown kids, so they are very capable, that's not what I'm worried about. I'm going to miss him so much and I have very irrational thoughts... like.. what if he misses us just as much? What if he thinks we left him?
Most of all - I'm terrified of coming home without him. I'm so afraid that it's going to take me back to those very first few days when he was in the NICU and we were in an empty house. An empty crib. I'm so very scared of that feeling.
I'm going to try and concentrate on having a wonderful night out with my husband.. both of us all dolled up. I know that is important. We need nights like this. If only these knots in my stomach would go away...
Trey and I have his unit's ball tonight and we are leaving Andrew with a very trusted older couple that we are friends with. He's spending the night with them :(
They have two grown kids, so they are very capable, that's not what I'm worried about. I'm going to miss him so much and I have very irrational thoughts... like.. what if he misses us just as much? What if he thinks we left him?
Most of all - I'm terrified of coming home without him. I'm so afraid that it's going to take me back to those very first few days when he was in the NICU and we were in an empty house. An empty crib. I'm so very scared of that feeling.
I'm going to try and concentrate on having a wonderful night out with my husband.. both of us all dolled up. I know that is important. We need nights like this. If only these knots in my stomach would go away...
November 20, 2010
D-Day
Ahhh.. my first private blog post. It's actually kind of freeing to know exactly who will be reading this. I think I'll like it.
The word Deployment has been coming up an awful lot in our house lately. No, my husband's unit isn't set to deploy for another three years or so, but he's planning on volunteering (yes, you read that right, volunteering) to go with another unit that is going in 2011. Let me explain...
When Trey joined the Army, he couldn't wait to deploy. He wanted to get out there and help. To accomplish something meaningful in his life. I knew he was all about going over when he left for Basic, so I've had a long time to prepare myself.. if that is even possible. When he finished with BOLC II, we were given a list of places to pick from to be stationed at. Ft. Bliss appealed to him because they did the type of stuff he wanted to do (I clearly don't know what that was) and the unit was at the beginning of a deployment and he thought he would go and join them. When we got here, he was told that they were coming home early and he would be part of (or Commander) of Rear D (the people left behind from the deployment). SO not what he wanted to be doing. He had resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't be deploying for a while and was so disappointed that he was even contemplating getting out when his 3 years was over. That was until...
Someone informed him that he didn't have to wait for his unit. He could volunteer to go with anyone else that was deploying. From anywhere and at anytime. He started talking about that a month or two ago and I really was just brushing it off. He kept going back and forth. Yes, he still wanted to go. But Andrew changed everything. He couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving him for a year. What am I, chop liver?? ;)
Over the last couple of weeks, I put my foot down. I couldn't take the indecisiveness. I'm a planner, which goes great with the Army lifestyle, doesn't it?? I hate not knowing about anything in the near future and will obsess over it.
After lots of conversations, we both came to the conclusion that it will be best for him to go. Yes, I'm willingly sending the love of my life away to war. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I also adore and respect him and know that he needs to go. Just like when I agreed to him joining in the first place. I knew that if he didn't at least commit a few years to it that he would spend the rest of his life regretting not doing something that he'd always wanted to do. Same here. This is why he joined in the first place, number one. Two.. it's going to help accomplish our financial goals. No, I'm not being selfish. We both want ALL of our debt paid off. In his eyes, he doesn't have the option to walk away from the Army even if he wanted to until all of our debt is paid off.. or most of it. I can tackle most of it during a deployment. Third.. it's as simple as knowing that for his career, he needs to do this. He can't go to Captain's Career Course without a deployment patch. Yes, people do that.. I'm sure it happens a lot. I, personally, don't think there is anything wrong with that. My husband's pride will never let him do that.
Am I scared? A little. I don't want to spend a year away from him. I don't want him to miss a year of Andrew's life. There will be a lot of firsts in there that Trey won't get to experience, but thankfully, Andrew won't remember any of it. I don't want anything to happen to him. I also believe though, with all of my heart, that when it's your time, it's your time. God has our lives mapped out. Nothing we can do or not do will change that. I know I've mentioned this before, but he had a gun put to his head during a robbery when he worked at Arby's. He could have just as easily died right there.. doing something he hated.. as he could doing something he will be proud of.
If this really does happen, I'll be going home for the year. I always said I wouldn't do that, but again, Andrew changes everything. There's nothing to keep me here and all the reasons in the world to go home. I have the opportunity to give him a chance to spend a whole year around family. For him to get to know them and vice versa. Once he starts going to school, I won't be able to do that. I want to take advantage of that time while I can.
After the holidays he'll start asking questions, and as long as they say they need him, he'll be going. Of course, this could change a million or trillion times before he actually goes, if he does at all. They could tell him, no, they don't need him, right? But as of now, he said to just plan on him leaving so that's what I'm doing. I'd rather prepare myself and then get a pleasant surprise than not be ready at all. I'm being as supportive as I can be. I'm encouraging him because I know that's what he wants from me. I also made sure he knows that I would be A-OK with him staying as well.. HA! In the long run, he needs to know that I'm okay with it and that he won't have to worry about me. I may be kicking and screaming on the inside at times, but he will never see that.
I'll be fine. He'll be fine. We'll get through it and it will go by fast. I've never been more proud of him.
The word Deployment has been coming up an awful lot in our house lately. No, my husband's unit isn't set to deploy for another three years or so, but he's planning on volunteering (yes, you read that right, volunteering) to go with another unit that is going in 2011. Let me explain...
When Trey joined the Army, he couldn't wait to deploy. He wanted to get out there and help. To accomplish something meaningful in his life. I knew he was all about going over when he left for Basic, so I've had a long time to prepare myself.. if that is even possible. When he finished with BOLC II, we were given a list of places to pick from to be stationed at. Ft. Bliss appealed to him because they did the type of stuff he wanted to do (I clearly don't know what that was) and the unit was at the beginning of a deployment and he thought he would go and join them. When we got here, he was told that they were coming home early and he would be part of (or Commander) of Rear D (the people left behind from the deployment). SO not what he wanted to be doing. He had resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't be deploying for a while and was so disappointed that he was even contemplating getting out when his 3 years was over. That was until...
Someone informed him that he didn't have to wait for his unit. He could volunteer to go with anyone else that was deploying. From anywhere and at anytime. He started talking about that a month or two ago and I really was just brushing it off. He kept going back and forth. Yes, he still wanted to go. But Andrew changed everything. He couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving him for a year. What am I, chop liver?? ;)
Over the last couple of weeks, I put my foot down. I couldn't take the indecisiveness. I'm a planner, which goes great with the Army lifestyle, doesn't it?? I hate not knowing about anything in the near future and will obsess over it.
After lots of conversations, we both came to the conclusion that it will be best for him to go. Yes, I'm willingly sending the love of my life away to war. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I also adore and respect him and know that he needs to go. Just like when I agreed to him joining in the first place. I knew that if he didn't at least commit a few years to it that he would spend the rest of his life regretting not doing something that he'd always wanted to do. Same here. This is why he joined in the first place, number one. Two.. it's going to help accomplish our financial goals. No, I'm not being selfish. We both want ALL of our debt paid off. In his eyes, he doesn't have the option to walk away from the Army even if he wanted to until all of our debt is paid off.. or most of it. I can tackle most of it during a deployment. Third.. it's as simple as knowing that for his career, he needs to do this. He can't go to Captain's Career Course without a deployment patch. Yes, people do that.. I'm sure it happens a lot. I, personally, don't think there is anything wrong with that. My husband's pride will never let him do that.
Am I scared? A little. I don't want to spend a year away from him. I don't want him to miss a year of Andrew's life. There will be a lot of firsts in there that Trey won't get to experience, but thankfully, Andrew won't remember any of it. I don't want anything to happen to him. I also believe though, with all of my heart, that when it's your time, it's your time. God has our lives mapped out. Nothing we can do or not do will change that. I know I've mentioned this before, but he had a gun put to his head during a robbery when he worked at Arby's. He could have just as easily died right there.. doing something he hated.. as he could doing something he will be proud of.
If this really does happen, I'll be going home for the year. I always said I wouldn't do that, but again, Andrew changes everything. There's nothing to keep me here and all the reasons in the world to go home. I have the opportunity to give him a chance to spend a whole year around family. For him to get to know them and vice versa. Once he starts going to school, I won't be able to do that. I want to take advantage of that time while I can.
After the holidays he'll start asking questions, and as long as they say they need him, he'll be going. Of course, this could change a million or trillion times before he actually goes, if he does at all. They could tell him, no, they don't need him, right? But as of now, he said to just plan on him leaving so that's what I'm doing. I'd rather prepare myself and then get a pleasant surprise than not be ready at all. I'm being as supportive as I can be. I'm encouraging him because I know that's what he wants from me. I also made sure he knows that I would be A-OK with him staying as well.. HA! In the long run, he needs to know that I'm okay with it and that he won't have to worry about me. I may be kicking and screaming on the inside at times, but he will never see that.
I'll be fine. He'll be fine. We'll get through it and it will go by fast. I've never been more proud of him.
November 16, 2010
It Took Me 6 Days to Write This
This post will be a little hard for me to write. Well, not necessarily to write, but to click that Publish Post button on the bottom. I've had so much on my plate lately and all of these things I've been trying to sort through in my mind. They haven't necessarily gotten better per say, but I'm coming to terms with everything. I'm not putting all of this out there to get sympathy.. I don't do well with sympathy really... I just want to be honest with my blog and not just write about the "unicorns and glitter stuff". I don't usually write about the bad stuff.. who wants to look back and remember the bad? Not I! But this is all big stuff and a real part of my life that I'll remember anyways..
I had a pretty hard time after Andrew was born. I wouldn't necessarily classify it as Post Partum depression, I think it was just coincidental that life decided to throw up on me at that point. After a couple weeks of feeling out of control of my emotions, sad and overwhelmed like I've never felt before, I decided to bring it up to my doctor at my 6-week checkup. She agreed with me that I have a tad bit of depression after talking for a while and we decided to start me on a prescription for Welbutrin. At first, I was ashamed. I've always been able to brush things off my shoulders and look at the bright side. I would definitely say that I am a glass half full kind of girl. But those hormones after pregnancy are no joke. I think too many people try to ignore symptoms of depression, but if more people would just talk about it, maybe it wouldn't be such a hard thing for women to admit. It's better to realize you have a problem before it gets out of control and you start having thoughts about harming yourself or your baby. It doesn't have to get to that point. So, on with my point... on top of those crazy hormones:
I was feeling homesick like never before. I was dealing with being away from family before Andrew came along. Sure, I missed home and got down about it from time to time, but now I have a son. My parents and Trey's parents have a grandson and it makes me incredibly sad that they are missing out on all of his little milestones. I have a very real sense of guilt. I know that is irrational. Nobody makes me feel guilty, I do it to myself. I feel like I'm taking a special time in life away from my mom. The thought of Andrew only seeing extended family a few times a year (if Trey decides to make a career out of the Army) tears me up. I need to get these feelings under control and I feel like time *and medicine* is helping. The whole "bloom where you are planted" thing is starting to really sink in with me. Sure, I would LOVE to be around our family and friends all the time, but I can't waste life away wishing for something that isn't possible for now. I'm going to make the best out of the situation we are in and appreciate the opportunities we wouldn't have had otherwise!
I know I am putting all of our dirty laundry out there for all to read, and I feel slightly crazy for doing so. But I wanted to be real. If anyone of you may be going through the any of the same things and feelings, I wanted you to see that you're not alone. If you are dealing with depression, it CAN get better. Take some time to invest in yourself. Talk to a doctor. Make a stronger effort to focus on the things you have in life to be thankful for. It helps and there are ALWAYS things you can feel blessed about. You may have to dig deep and start with small things, but the positive thinking will come easier to you, I promise!
I'm completely aware that I sound like an After-School Special. Sorry about that.
I had a pretty hard time after Andrew was born. I wouldn't necessarily classify it as Post Partum depression, I think it was just coincidental that life decided to throw up on me at that point. After a couple weeks of feeling out of control of my emotions, sad and overwhelmed like I've never felt before, I decided to bring it up to my doctor at my 6-week checkup. She agreed with me that I have a tad bit of depression after talking for a while and we decided to start me on a prescription for Welbutrin. At first, I was ashamed. I've always been able to brush things off my shoulders and look at the bright side. I would definitely say that I am a glass half full kind of girl. But those hormones after pregnancy are no joke. I think too many people try to ignore symptoms of depression, but if more people would just talk about it, maybe it wouldn't be such a hard thing for women to admit. It's better to realize you have a problem before it gets out of control and you start having thoughts about harming yourself or your baby. It doesn't have to get to that point. So, on with my point... on top of those crazy hormones:
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| He looks how I have been feeling! |
I second, triple, and quadruple guessed myself about sharing this, but again, I'm sure we're not the only ones going through it in this economy! We came to the realization that we have to let go of our house in SC. We've had renters in it since we left, but 1) the county raised our taxes by an ungodly amount because it is an investment property now. That starts in January and there is NO WAY we can afford the increase. 2) The renters helped with the situation of course, but they decided they wanted out last month. So, we're barely holding on. We couldn't rent the house for as much as it will be going up anyways. Best case scenario - it will sell in the next 2 months. We dropped the price drastically, so we'll see. Second best - the bank will approve a short sale which we're in the process of going for. That won't hurt our credit quite so badly as a foreclosure would. Hopefully, it won't get to that point! This was all very hard for me to come to terms with. It's embarrassing, ya know!? I know, though that it's not something we could control. We'll do whatever we have to do and move on from there. Safe to say that we won't be buying a home again until we are done with the Army and can settle somewhere!
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| Not a happy camper! |
Remember this post and this one? About my Uncle Ronnie who had a scary time with seizures? He ended up being put on seizure medication for what was supposed to be 6 months. Well a couple months ago he had another seizure. While on medication. Not supposed to happen! He went in for more tests and to make a very long story very short... turns out he had a tumor on his brain. He had surgery last week and they were able to remove 95% of it. It is stage 3 cancer, but the doctor seems to be pretty optimistic about his survival chances. He will be starting 6 weeks of chemo and radiation soon, every day except weekends and holidays. I've been a praying fool for this man lately and I truly believe in my heart that everything will end up okay, he has a lot more life to live! It's been such a scary time and I wish more than anything that I could be in Massachusetts with my family.. it's been hard and scary for me. I can't even imagine what they are going through. I'm very thankful that I have such a tight knit and positive thinking family that will make the best out of any situation they are put it. I know they are all helping each other through it.
I know I am putting all of our dirty laundry out there for all to read, and I feel slightly crazy for doing so. But I wanted to be real. If anyone of you may be going through the any of the same things and feelings, I wanted you to see that you're not alone. If you are dealing with depression, it CAN get better. Take some time to invest in yourself. Talk to a doctor. Make a stronger effort to focus on the things you have in life to be thankful for. It helps and there are ALWAYS things you can feel blessed about. You may have to dig deep and start with small things, but the positive thinking will come easier to you, I promise!
I'm completely aware that I sound like an After-School Special. Sorry about that.
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| Remember to smile! |
March 11, 2010
Emotions
Whew ~ they are all over the place, but let's focus on the good ones :)
First off, our great friends back home, Brandon and Emily, gave birth to their sweet little girl this morning! From the few pictures I've been sent already, I am just overcome with happiness for them. She looks perfect and Brandon already is the doting daddy! They are going to be WONDERFUL parents!
Second - I got to see our sweet baby for the first time on Tuesday!! It was completely on a whim.. i wasn't expecting to see him/her until 20 weeks, but I heard of this Christian, non-profit place that gives ultra sounds for free (!!) and remembered to give them a call. They asked if I could come in that day... pshh.. of course! It was the most amazing thing to see it moving around in there. There was my little monkey doing flips, sucking it's thumb, playing with it's hair, waving to me, and even sticking it's little tongue out.. sassy already.. just like momma! I wish more than anything that Trey could have been there with me, but the nurse was able to get some good shots for me to show him. I've looked at them every day since :) and I just cannot wait to meet him/her in real life! Can't wait to see how it feels to have that squirming monkey in my hands and see the look on Trey's face the first time he sees it! The heartbeat was back up again at 174!! So we've had 161, 144, then up to 174!
The emotions I've been going through have not all been sappy and sweet, let me tell you! Out of nowhere this week came the irrational hormones! Tuesday night and last night, Trey said the smallest thing and I've snapped at him big time with each. Then I get mad at myself for being so silly and start crying because I was "mean" to him. It's crazy.. or rather I'm crazy!
I tried to upload the pics of the sonogram, but blogger wouldn't let me. They are all saved together on my usb drive.. not separately. I was going to ask from the skeletal pics, what your guess was... boy or girl.. but how about just your gut... you can vote up at the top to the left!
First off, our great friends back home, Brandon and Emily, gave birth to their sweet little girl this morning! From the few pictures I've been sent already, I am just overcome with happiness for them. She looks perfect and Brandon already is the doting daddy! They are going to be WONDERFUL parents!
Second - I got to see our sweet baby for the first time on Tuesday!! It was completely on a whim.. i wasn't expecting to see him/her until 20 weeks, but I heard of this Christian, non-profit place that gives ultra sounds for free (!!) and remembered to give them a call. They asked if I could come in that day... pshh.. of course! It was the most amazing thing to see it moving around in there. There was my little monkey doing flips, sucking it's thumb, playing with it's hair, waving to me, and even sticking it's little tongue out.. sassy already.. just like momma! I wish more than anything that Trey could have been there with me, but the nurse was able to get some good shots for me to show him. I've looked at them every day since :) and I just cannot wait to meet him/her in real life! Can't wait to see how it feels to have that squirming monkey in my hands and see the look on Trey's face the first time he sees it! The heartbeat was back up again at 174!! So we've had 161, 144, then up to 174!
The emotions I've been going through have not all been sappy and sweet, let me tell you! Out of nowhere this week came the irrational hormones! Tuesday night and last night, Trey said the smallest thing and I've snapped at him big time with each. Then I get mad at myself for being so silly and start crying because I was "mean" to him. It's crazy.. or rather I'm crazy!
I tried to upload the pics of the sonogram, but blogger wouldn't let me. They are all saved together on my usb drive.. not separately. I was going to ask from the skeletal pics, what your guess was... boy or girl.. but how about just your gut... you can vote up at the top to the left!
November 10, 2009
'Tis the time of the month
I have been soooo emotional today! I'm debating going to bed so nothing else makes me cry, but then I wouldn't be able to watch SYTYCD. So help me God, if there's any routines like last week's fear routine, I'm turning it off and crawling under the sheets!
example #1
I was trained on the phones today at the food bank. I loved doing that, but did hear one story that just broke my heart. I don't want to get into the full story, but it was a mother who was trying her best just to be the mom we all want and expect to be. While telling me her story I could hear her voice start to crack as she fought the tears, but she lost all control as the flood gates opened. It was all could do not to sit there and cry with her.
example #2
I called my mom afterwards wanting to talk about it, but she couldn't talk at the moment. That is all. I still didn't cry at that moment but was pathetically pretty dern close. *don't feel bad mum. you clearly did nothing to bring that on... i blame it on my insanity* But she did call back 5 minutes later so all was good until....
example #3
I got home and watched the coverage on the Ft. Hood memorial. OH.My.God. I don't remember the last time I cried so hard. Between the last roll call and hearing the silence after every other soldier's name was called, hearing Taps being played, and seeing the families barely able to walk through their grief as they said their goodbyes... i couldn't contain myself. I just pray and pray for them.. that they are comforted as much as possible.
There have been other little things, but I already can't remember what they are. I'm sure they were very silly reasons. Off to go enjoy one of those Betty Crocker Warm Delight things. The chocolate fudge cookie one. With Vanilla Ice Cream on top. Full fledged fatty girl version of everything. Mmmhmmmm... judge me. I don't care.
Update:
I also cried when I tried bring all 10000 bags of groceries in by myself and one of the bags split.. the jar of spaghetti sauce crashes below and all of a sudden there's broken glass everywhere (I totally just rapped that like P.Diddy) and sauce splattered all over me.
The End.
example #1
I was trained on the phones today at the food bank. I loved doing that, but did hear one story that just broke my heart. I don't want to get into the full story, but it was a mother who was trying her best just to be the mom we all want and expect to be. While telling me her story I could hear her voice start to crack as she fought the tears, but she lost all control as the flood gates opened. It was all could do not to sit there and cry with her.
example #2
I called my mom afterwards wanting to talk about it, but she couldn't talk at the moment. That is all. I still didn't cry at that moment but was pathetically pretty dern close. *don't feel bad mum. you clearly did nothing to bring that on... i blame it on my insanity* But she did call back 5 minutes later so all was good until....
example #3
I got home and watched the coverage on the Ft. Hood memorial. OH.My.God. I don't remember the last time I cried so hard. Between the last roll call and hearing the silence after every other soldier's name was called, hearing Taps being played, and seeing the families barely able to walk through their grief as they said their goodbyes... i couldn't contain myself. I just pray and pray for them.. that they are comforted as much as possible.
There have been other little things, but I already can't remember what they are. I'm sure they were very silly reasons. Off to go enjoy one of those Betty Crocker Warm Delight things. The chocolate fudge cookie one. With Vanilla Ice Cream on top. Full fledged fatty girl version of everything. Mmmhmmmm... judge me. I don't care.
Update:
I also cried when I tried bring all 10000 bags of groceries in by myself and one of the bags split.. the jar of spaghetti sauce crashes below and all of a sudden there's broken glass everywhere (I totally just rapped that like P.Diddy) and sauce splattered all over me.
The End.
October 28, 2009
Blah...
I'm not feeling so hot today. I got the flu vaccine shot up my nose yesterday.. and lo and behold... what do I feel like I have today? It's not horrible. My body's a tad achey and I feel flat out lethargic. Trey told me a couple times this would probably happen so it's possible that this is all in my head... or maybe he was just right for once ;)
So anyway - I'm going to try my best to be a lazy bum today and get some rest. I always feel way too guilty to allow myself to do that, but I'm under strict orders.
I was at the hospital twice yesterday. First outing was for my eye appointment and it's a good thing I thoroughly enjoy laughing at myself. I may or may not have asked more than one person where the "Optomology" department was and finally got an answer after the 2nd person finally told me she wasn't sure, but am I sure I wasn't looking for the Optometry dept? Umm yes thanks. Is Optomology even a word?
Appointment goes great. I take the elevator down to the first floor, go out the rotating door, and can't find my car ANYWHERE. After walking around the parking lot for a solid 5 minutes, I realize I must not have come out the same place I came in. Go back in the hospital and even though I was on the right floor, I couldn't find the right exit anywhere... swear it disappeared Harry Potter style. So I walked around like a straight up loon for another good 10 minutes before I finally found my parking lot. 10,000 parking lots... who knew!
Dear Santa, please bring me keyless entry for my car this year so I can always find it in the crazy parking lots. They Hundai likes to play hide-and-go seek.
P.S.
After using spell check, I'm pretty positive that Optomology does NOT exist... in case you were wondering :)
So anyway - I'm going to try my best to be a lazy bum today and get some rest. I always feel way too guilty to allow myself to do that, but I'm under strict orders.
I was at the hospital twice yesterday. First outing was for my eye appointment and it's a good thing I thoroughly enjoy laughing at myself. I may or may not have asked more than one person where the "Optomology" department was and finally got an answer after the 2nd person finally told me she wasn't sure, but am I sure I wasn't looking for the Optometry dept? Umm yes thanks. Is Optomology even a word?
Appointment goes great. I take the elevator down to the first floor, go out the rotating door, and can't find my car ANYWHERE. After walking around the parking lot for a solid 5 minutes, I realize I must not have come out the same place I came in. Go back in the hospital and even though I was on the right floor, I couldn't find the right exit anywhere... swear it disappeared Harry Potter style. So I walked around like a straight up loon for another good 10 minutes before I finally found my parking lot. 10,000 parking lots... who knew!
Dear Santa, please bring me keyless entry for my car this year so I can always find it in the crazy parking lots. They Hundai likes to play hide-and-go seek.
P.S.
After using spell check, I'm pretty positive that Optomology does NOT exist... in case you were wondering :)
October 15, 2009
Just a Dream
Every month - when it's that time of month (why can't we all just say that? I was on my period dammit! There... doesn't that feel good?) my dreams are beyond vivid. Ask me any other time of the month and I'll swear to you that I don't even dream. But that week... insanely vivid dreams. Take last week for instance...
Dream #1 *and the worst of them all*
I dreamed I joined the Army and was in Basic Training!!! I was hanging upside down on some ropes course and was supposed to be able to climb up to the top.. while hanging by my feet. I wasdoing the ugly snotty cry crying for my husband to come help me and magically he appeared. I told him through my snot and tears that I made a huge mistake and please please please ask if I can be let out of Basic. I woke up before I ever got my answer, but man... I was uptight all day after that one. Pheewww... thank God that was just a dream. Not everyone can be super hooah and lets just say hubs is a much much much better fit than I!
Dream #2
The next night I dreamt I was back working at Midland Mortgage and there was a huge (I'm talking like bigger than my kitchen table) python roaming around. Everyone was running everywhere trying to get away from it, but not leaving the building for some reason. The monster caught up to me and bit me on my back. But for being such a big thing, the bite was tiny. It felt so real that I thought it was still hurting when I woke up. I felt like my tshirt was stuck to my back in the spot where I was bit. Vivid AND strange...
Dream #3
I also dreamt about my grandmother for the first time since she passed away. I was sitting next to her inside of a church. I don't think it was during a sermon or anything... I think it was just the two of us sitting there. I knew she was getting ready to die, but she didn't. I kept trying to say my "goodbyes" but couldn't get anything out. I was trying to tell her why she meant so much to me and how much I was going to miss her. I would open my mouth and try really hard to say whatever it is that I wanted to say, but nothing would come out at all.
This seems to happen every month during THAT week. After three dreams like that in a row, I was exhausted! Does this happen to anyone else?
Dream #1 *and the worst of them all*
I dreamed I joined the Army and was in Basic Training!!! I was hanging upside down on some ropes course and was supposed to be able to climb up to the top.. while hanging by my feet. I was
Dream #2
The next night I dreamt I was back working at Midland Mortgage and there was a huge (I'm talking like bigger than my kitchen table) python roaming around. Everyone was running everywhere trying to get away from it, but not leaving the building for some reason. The monster caught up to me and bit me on my back. But for being such a big thing, the bite was tiny. It felt so real that I thought it was still hurting when I woke up. I felt like my tshirt was stuck to my back in the spot where I was bit. Vivid AND strange...
Dream #3
I also dreamt about my grandmother for the first time since she passed away. I was sitting next to her inside of a church. I don't think it was during a sermon or anything... I think it was just the two of us sitting there. I knew she was getting ready to die, but she didn't. I kept trying to say my "goodbyes" but couldn't get anything out. I was trying to tell her why she meant so much to me and how much I was going to miss her. I would open my mouth and try really hard to say whatever it is that I wanted to say, but nothing would come out at all.
This seems to happen every month during THAT week. After three dreams like that in a row, I was exhausted! Does this happen to anyone else?
June 11, 2009
Yellow Yellow Yellow
Warning: Very pointless post! There's the one I took and sent out. I'm pretty proud of this one. The more original the better. Yes, I'm aware that I should be focused on driving and not capturing the perfect yellow car moment. 
Ever since my cousin Kate was here back in April I have been obsessed with the color yellow. Not by choice. She taught me this little game her and her friends play in the car. Every time you see a yellow car (not including cabs, school buses, or taxis) you want to be the first one to shout out "YELLOW CAR". Sounds stupid, yes I know, but competitive and silly people like me love it. I have in turn taught this to everyone who has been in the car with me since that day and have ruined other peoples lives with it as well as my own. I SEE YELLOW EVERYWHERE NOW. It has taken over my life. I will spot out a yellow anything within the nearest mile. My mind will take note of it. I take and receive "yellow car" pix messages daily. Here are the few I've gotten and one I've sent just since yesterday. 
Random text I got during the day. I thought I had another one, but that came directly to my work email. They show up everywhere. It's insane. Start playing, you'll see what I mean.
Wow.. this seriously must seem like the most pointless post ever. It probably is.
But don't sweat ~ I almost forgot to give my opinions on SYTYCD. All I can say is this is my favorite show ever. I wish I could say that I missed my calling and should be dancing my life away... but trust me... I'm better off watching it than living it.
My favs: Phillip and Jeanine definitely. They were first and did a hip-hop routine which I LOVE. I love even more when they put a story to it. They did AMAZING. It seriously made my heart almost jump out of my chest. Another favorite: Caitlin and Jason. They did a style called Bollywood (which I'm not quite sure what it is.. but I love it) to a song from Slumdog Millionaire and it may have made me squeal out loud blew me away. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Kayla and max. Did a Samba routine. Sexxaaayyyy! They danced beautifully and made that Samba look H-O-T. Woooohoooo!
Other standout moments: Randi and Even doing the jazz routine. Melissa and Ade doing the contemporary which was about the moment you first fall in love. I think this is going to be a great season... there aren't many people I actually WANT to see go!
Here is one of my favorite routines ever ~ from last season: ( i tried to put the video on here, but I clearly need a lesson) Here's the link for the truly curious
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi6s3msQfdA
It's worth it ~ Promise.
May 26, 2009
The Long Awaited Blog Post
Because I have nothing else to write about, and with hopes that maybe, just maybe, some of you will be able to make me feel like i'm not so strange after all relate to me... tonight I will share with you my rigorous bedtime routine. It's gotten worse over the years. Here goes.. step by step ~
After watching the last show of the night, I'll get up to turn the living room light on.
Shut the TV off.
Make sure the front door is locked.
Turn the Kitchen light on, turn the living room light off.
Make sure the back door is locked.
Turn the bedroom light on, go back and turn the kitchen light off.
Lock bedroom door, make sure the "stay" alarm is on.
Floss.
While brushing teeth, turn the bedside lamp on and the bedroom light off.
Wash face.
Turn the ceiling fan on.
Shut the closet door all the way and the bathroom door all the way (it freaks me out to be able to see into either one when it's dark).
Turn the oscillating fan on. On high.
Get in bed with heating pad on my lower back. (this started in high school when I had really bad back problems for some reason that the doctors never could find out. They also gave me muscle relaxers. Too bad I didn't hang on to that bedtime ritual. I joke. Kind of ).
Feet have to be outside of the sheets/blankets.
Read until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
This is the ONLY aspect of my life that I am OCD about. For some, this post may be slightly boring. Some of you may enjoy though. If I read this out there in blog land I would be rolling in laughter fits and telling that person we must be long lost twins.
After watching the last show of the night, I'll get up to turn the living room light on.
Shut the TV off.
Make sure the front door is locked.
Turn the Kitchen light on, turn the living room light off.
Make sure the back door is locked.
Turn the bedroom light on, go back and turn the kitchen light off.
Lock bedroom door, make sure the "stay" alarm is on.
Floss.
While brushing teeth, turn the bedside lamp on and the bedroom light off.
Wash face.
Turn the ceiling fan on.
Shut the closet door all the way and the bathroom door all the way (it freaks me out to be able to see into either one when it's dark).
Turn the oscillating fan on. On high.
Get in bed with heating pad on my lower back. (this started in high school when I had really bad back problems for some reason that the doctors never could find out. They also gave me muscle relaxers. Too bad I didn't hang on to that bedtime ritual. I joke. Kind of ).
Feet have to be outside of the sheets/blankets.
Read until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
This is the ONLY aspect of my life that I am OCD about. For some, this post may be slightly boring. Some of you may enjoy though. If I read this out there in blog land I would be rolling in laughter fits and telling that person we must be long lost twins.
May 19, 2009
So Maybe I See Where He's Coming From..
You know it's bad when you start getting on your own nerves!! But can do nothing about it. It's sad really.
I have this cup issue... I know... this may be afreakishly insane slightly weird post.
I cannot bring myself to drink out of the same cup once.. or twice at the most. This would drive hubs insane on a daily basis. Because not only will I not reuse it, but I have a tendency to leave them all over the house as well. I'm constantly drinking something and usually while walking around the house will just take my glass with me. He would walk around huffing and puffing *and maybe cursing me under his breath* while collecting all the glasses always wondering "why can't you just reuse the same damn cup". I don't know why girls.. I really can't explain it. I try to make myself, start to have very illogical thoughts about the Crystal light going bad that was left in it, or what if a bug flew in it (and clearly contaminated it).. spaz out, and just grab a new one. I've given up trying to justify it ok.. it's just my thing.
Wellll now he's not here to collect my scattered cups. I would have cleaned them up myself, but I guess I just never noticed it because there was always a clean one in the cabinet. Now I go to reach for one and there may or may not be a fresh, clean cup waiting on me. So I have to go around the house, cursing myself under my own breath, and load the dishwasher up. It's sad when you have to run the dishwasher with only the top shelf filled.
It's the little things you miss while he's gone. I miss my cup collector!
Stay tuned tomorrow for my strange bedtime rituals...
I have this cup issue... I know... this may be a
I cannot bring myself to drink out of the same cup once.. or twice at the most. This would drive hubs insane on a daily basis. Because not only will I not reuse it, but I have a tendency to leave them all over the house as well. I'm constantly drinking something and usually while walking around the house will just take my glass with me. He would walk around huffing and puffing *and maybe cursing me under his breath* while collecting all the glasses always wondering "why can't you just reuse the same damn cup". I don't know why girls.. I really can't explain it. I try to make myself, start to have very illogical thoughts about the Crystal light going bad that was left in it, or what if a bug flew in it (and clearly contaminated it).. spaz out, and just grab a new one. I've given up trying to justify it ok.. it's just my thing.
Wellll now he's not here to collect my scattered cups. I would have cleaned them up myself, but I guess I just never noticed it because there was always a clean one in the cabinet. Now I go to reach for one and there may or may not be a fresh, clean cup waiting on me. So I have to go around the house, cursing myself under my own breath, and load the dishwasher up. It's sad when you have to run the dishwasher with only the top shelf filled.
It's the little things you miss while he's gone. I miss my cup collector!
Stay tuned tomorrow for my strange bedtime rituals...
May 17, 2009
Busy Week Ahead, but...
it will all pay off! i'll be leaving Friday to go see the hubs!!! (well i'm like 95% sure of that at least) I've tried to not get my hopes up, but who am I kidding. The forever optimist here. A 3-day weekend.. what??? So excited. There will be a couple times that he has to go on Fort for some reason or another through-out the weekend but I'm sure I can keep myself occupied during that time. Trey keeps reminding me that they very well may take this privilege away from him, but on Memorial Day.. really.. i don't see that happening. So it's official.. my hopes are up and in my mind I'm already there. Have any plans Mrs. GI Joe???
Now if I can only get through this week..
Monday: (remember working until 5 is a given throughout the week)
gym and grocery store
Tuesday: dinner with my friends C & J
Wednesday: gym
Thursday: hopefully a date night with my SIL, then packing. If not I'll just go straight home to pack.
Friday: I'll get through what I'm sure will be a torturous day at work and then off to see my lova until Monday!
Today was not meant for me to get the mulching finished. I tried.. I really did. Steve and I cleared out the rest of the beds (minus one little section in the back). Jump in the car to go to Lowes and here's where the day's adventure begins. Typical day in the life of me...
Now if I can only get through this week..
Monday: (remember working until 5 is a given throughout the week)
gym and grocery store
Tuesday: dinner with my friends C & J
Wednesday: gym
Thursday: hopefully a date night with my SIL, then packing. If not I'll just go straight home to pack.
Friday: I'll get through what I'm sure will be a torturous day at work and then off to see my lova until Monday!
Today was not meant for me to get the mulching finished. I tried.. I really did. Steve and I cleared out the rest of the beds (minus one little section in the back). Jump in the car to go to Lowes and here's where the day's adventure begins. Typical day in the life of me...
- took 26W instead of 26E, so we had to turn around
- go all the way to the wrong end of Harbison, had to turn around again. Should've taken a left instead of a right.
- Go to Home Depot.. not Lowes.. find the perfect mulch, load up 10 bags of that crap, wait 10 minutes in line, go to pay... guess whose debit card is nowhere to be found.. uh huh.. left it at home
- Go home and eat lunch.. pick up said debit card.. go to a Lowe's that is much closer.
- Pull in the parking lot. The torrential downpours figured they'd show up at the same time. Thanks.
- Decide to go in anyway being the trooper I am and all.. get soaked because mulch is not kept under a ceiling apparently.
- Can't find the perfect match to my red mulch. But they had it at the other store right? Oh, what's that you say Steve? We were at Home Depot.. not Lowes.
I gave up at that point. I can take a hint. I should've realized it wasn't meant to be at number 2.
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