August 18, 2014

Our FIRST first day of school

Well, I thought I was going to hold it together. I did great showing face in front of him. I did good walking out with Wes. Then, I made the mistake of calling my mom and the water works turned on! What is it about a phone call to your mom that does that?

Andrew started 4K today! He is going to a Christian program at a local church. He goes 2 days a week, all day. From 9-3. (or 9:15 to 3:15... I'm still a little confused). I thought the school was perfect for him because it's main focus is learning through play. Sure, he'll do some worksheets, but it was important to me that the curriculum wasn't a crack the whip type. And, for us, it's a plus that learning about God and talking about him is a part of the day.

He did great this morning! His main concern before leaving the house was how Wes would be without him. I overheard a pep talk Andrew was giving him.  "It will be okay Wes. I have to go to school, but you don't have to be scared without me. You will be with mommy all day and I'll be with lots of new friends. I'll see you when you come to pick me up". I'm not sure where Andrew's huge, loving heart came from, but I pray it never changes.
When going in, they are to use the restroom, put their book bags in their cubby, grab the folder and have a seat. Goodbyes are done in the hallway. Which, fine fine, I guess is a good thing. I can see how me going in the room would make things more difficult. I may not have ever left!

It felt strange walking out with just Wes. I all of a sudden couldn't remember what it was like to have one kid. An 18 month old at that! What did I do with Andrew at that age?? We came home and played outside before the temperatures reached hell-ish levels. We had a snack and watched an episode of Team Umizoomi. Did our shape sorting. Colored. Changed a stinky diaper. Spun around in circles until he was falling all over the place and giggling. He yelled at me to make lunch, so I complied. (serious). We read some books and he is now down for a nap.
One benefit to this whole school thing - I have a kid with me who is guaranteed to nap! I exercised, straightened up the house, have cookies baking and LOOK!! - I'm blogging.

I really do miss him. Like heart hurting miss him. I've had to hide my phone from myself once or twice to stop myself from calling and checking in on him. It's a scary thing to entrust your children with someone else when they've depended on no one but you for almost 4 years. Well I guess it's scary anytime. I've spent a lot of time in prayer and have been reminded that he is in God's hands. I know I'm not supposed to worry. I've prayed for peace in my heart because I'm not supposed to live in fear. I've prayed for his safety and well-being. For him to have FUN and make great friends. For his teacher to have a soft, loving heart and for her sanity :)

I can't wait to hear all about his day.. if he'll tell me about it!

April 1, 2014

Half a Year

Isn't it funny that when you're in the thick of something difficult, something you may not be particularly excited about, 6 months can feel like a lifetime. Or when you are excitedly anticipating something 6 months away, it may feel excruciating.
But if it's the opposite... if you're happily moving through life, if everything is as it should be, time flies faster than the speed of light. It seems to go just as fast if something you dread is coming up in 6 months.

I'm having a hard time grasping the fact that Trey has been in the states for about 6 and a half months and back with our family for just about 6 months. A half of a year. In some ways, it seems like such a long time. It feels like he was never gone. We've had little quirks we've had to work out, but in most ways, in the important ways, he just fit right back in and him being away doesn't even seem like it was a real thing. (I'm sure he would say differently)

When I think about the rhythm we've fallen into, our day-to-day life, it feels like it's been a long time. When I carelessly and without a second thought shoot him a text during the day or he calls during lunch, I feel like we've been doing that forever. When we settle down to watch our shows at night (or A show.. let's be real.. we're too tired to stay up past 9) it sure doesn't feel like there was this big blip in time where we didn't do that. *Fun fact, he was just sitting next to me, reading this and spilled his very cold water all over my lap. Like it jumped out of his hand and splashed all over me. And he laughed (while apologizing). Are you supposed to want to strangle your husband that's only been home 6 months??*

But it's ONLY been 6 months.
These two have only known each other for that long. And you'd never guess it. They are thick as thieves. That little boy's eyes light up when he sees his Daddy. Both boys wait anxiously by the door when they known he's come home. The time has just flown by. Six months is nothing and yet I sometimes already find myself taking his presence for granted.

It sure didn't seem like a small amount of time while he was gone. It seemed impossible. It was miserable at times. Time crawled slower than a snail. And now I find myself wanting it to slow down just a little. Time is a relative little thing, isn't it?

March 17, 2014


I have coffee and sleeping kids. Could it be any better? I don't think so.

Last year there was so much going on while Trey was gone that I couldn't write about. I would sign on here and try to write, but I just can't be fake. I couldn't come on and talk about shallow things when there was so much going on. All this to say, I'm just going to write about where I'm at. It won't always be witty and light-hearted. But hopefully, there will be lots of that thrown in.

I'm a sucker for a resolution. I love the feeling of the new year and all of the promises that come along with it. A fresh start. But I've learned over the past 10 years or so that, well, they just don't usually stick. I heard a statistic on the radio the other day that only 8% of people actually keep their resolution. Why do we start this one day out with such high hopes and motivation, only to go back to hold habits in what? 2 weeks?

So I didn't do it this year, per say. I made goals, yes, but I didn't promise myself any one absolute thing. This year I was going to focus on growing as a person in general. And I think I'm off to a good start.

Did I need to lose weight? My God yes. My body looks like.. ya know.. two kids popped out of it in the past three years. There is that. But I knew I could be doing so much more to be HEALTHY. And it's hard to not compare yourself to others, am I right? I feel like I'm SURROUNDED by women who bounce back after pregnancy. I see it everywhere. But really, I don't know how hard they may work to get there. All I knew was how hard I was not working.
While Trey was gone last year, I was doing really well with my eating habits. I was sticking to clean, real foods. I loved it and my body loved me for it. I was also doing Body Pump at the gym. And then.. well.. he came home and it all went out the window. Now my resolve has been gone. At the beginning of the year, I started a program called Bikini Body Mommy and I've loved it. I've worked hard at it, but I haven't been eating the way I should have been. I'm stronger and healthier, and that is great, but I know I can push myself harder. I know I can feel more comfortable in my skin. So I'm working on it. I'm improving. I'm not where I need to be, but that's okay. I'm getting there.

I also wanted to grow in my walk as a Christian. We're doing something now that we've never done since getting married. We've found a church that we love and we go (excuse the pun) religiously. I'm also going to PWOC every week and I love it. I'm purposefully surrounding myself around godly women. I'm praying more. I'm learning more. I know more about the old testament than I ever have thanks to PWOC. But I know my heart can do better. I'm doing all the right things on the outside, but I know my heart needs to be worked on.
The idea of getting re-baptized has recently been on my heart.. strongly. I started going to church with a friend in middle school and somewhere in those years, was baptized, though I don't remember if I did it for the right reasons. Did I really understand what I was doing? I can say for sure that nothing changed for me afterwards. I didn't spend my teenage years following Christ, that's for sure. So I'm doing some soul searching and wondering if that is something I need to do again... knowing for sure why I'm doing it. Either way, I'm letting God work and mold my heart this year. And every year to come.

I'm trying to accept myself for where and what I am. I've always struggled with comparing myself to others, but I'm learning to be okay with ME. It's my life and my walk, I can't live it for anyone else. It's taken me a very long time to learn this. But I'm getting there. With everything. I may be taking extreme baby steps, I'm progressing in everything I've set out to progress in, and I would call that a win!

March 13, 2014

I WILL write more. I WILL write more. I WILL write...

Promises promises. I tell myself them all the time. I will find the time. I miss writing. I'll do better, I promise. I have great intentions, I do. But then things get in the way. Like those two children who want to play with me. Dirty dishes and that dust that will not go away. Lack of sleep urges me to nap if I never find the chance. That little nagging voice in the back of my head (hi God) that says, "oh hey.. you still have 16 more pages to read out of this week's chapter for church. You promised you'd do that too". Then that silly promise I made myself about working out for 90 days.

So much to do. So very little time.

But this is such a creative outlet for me and I have been missing it my friends. I never realize how much until I sit down to type. It clears my mind. Makes me feel all good inside. Keeps my brain working. Let's face it. I'm just not being challenged enough by making animal noises, trying to remember those dern shapes and colors, or tracing letters.

So here goes another promise to myself. 30 days of straight writing (not including weekends.. or maybe weekends.. who knows). I won't lie, sometimes I'll probably need topic prompts, but I do have a few things I want to write about. Like how we have no clue what this year is going to hold for us. Or how one of my very best friends is leaving us in just a few short weeks and how devastated not only I will be, but my kids as well. How I've tried to grow myself this year so far and how much of a work in progress I am. My new found appreciated for being a stay-at-home-mama and how I really have been taking this time in my life for granted.

So hopefully I still have a few readers out there. It's hard to brush the dust off and get going again, isn't it? I'm going to give it my all! I'll throw in cute kid pictures to entice you!
Morning Cartoons (this is a rare thing.. the stillness.. so I had to capture it)

After Run or Dye this past weekend. It was cold and hell-ish.

February 19, 2014

My Baby is ONE

I know I have slacked majorly with writing about Wes. To be fair, I just haven't been blogging like I used to. But I won't waste time with excuses.. he'll just have to be reassured about how loved he is when he scours the interwebs, looking for blog posts on himself.

Wesley turned one two Saturdays ago, on the 25th of January. We had a small get together with some friends. I didn't go all out like I did with Andrew, but that's okay. We had fun, we celebrated Wes' life, and ate some delicious food, and Wes had his first cupcake. All was well.

Wes, you are such an awesome little boy! You are alike your brother in a few ways, but you are definitely your own person.. and I LOVE that. You two are alike in that you love a routine. You have the same sleep patterns (Thank you God.. seriously). You don't like to be away from Mommy or Daddy. You love most food. You have a sweet disposition. You hit milestones when you are good and ready to. And your favorite cartoon is Team Umizoomi.
There are also things that make you very much Wes, though. When you aren't teething or sick, you are so calm and content. You are very laid back. You're more independent and as long as you know we are in your general vicinity, you feel comfortable to explore and play on your own. (It took Andrew much longer to do that). While you enjoy food, you're a little more picky than your brother was. You won't let us help you eat, but you won't yet use utensils either. So it has to be something you can pick up, which means you have to approve of the consistency of it. If it makes your hands too messy, you won't eat it... 

I don't have official measurements, because, well I won't go into how difficult it is to get an appointment at our doctor's office, but you are smaller than your brother was. And that is just fine. We happen to think you are pretty perfect. 

You are all around just a joy to be around! 
You love balls. You will throw them and chase them, play catch with us, roll them around the house. Anything with balls is a hit. Also, anything your brother is playing with. You love to be outside. You thoroughly enjoy music, and always have. You wave hi and bye. No words yet, not even a mama or dada, but I don't think your brother had yet either. Your favorite person is your Daddy. If he is around, you want him and no one else. Which is pretty amazing seeing as how you've only known each other for five months! 

You are wearing size 18 clothes all around. 
Size 3 shoes (close to a 4). 
Size 5 diapers. 
You're slowly moving your bedtime to 6:30-7, but up until now have always gone to bed between 5:30 and 6. Which means the time you wake up in the morning is moving from 6 to 7 (praise). 
You are still taking two naps when you can, but can be stretched if absolutely necessary, though it's not fun. 

Don't let the lack of blog posts fool you, Wesley. The three of us are head over heals in love with you!

January 22, 2014

Andrew's Heart

Warning: I'm going to use this space to do nothing but gush about my kid! I'm a mom, I have the right and it would be weird if I didn't, yes?

I've always believed that Andrew was a very special child. Not in just a typical way, but that there was a little something extra going on with him. And I know, what parent doesn't, right? I've never been able to quite put my finger on it, but maybe an understanding of things beyond his years. Or a sensitivity to people that would really allow him to do something great with his life.

Since we've moved away from family again, we've put ourselves out into the community a lot more. While we were in Texas, Andrew was just far too clingy to allow for many others to care for him, so I nurtured that. Aside from hourly care here and there, we didn't do much that required him to be in someone else's care. But coming here, I was determined. I needed to get more involved, not only for my own sanity, but for the boys' happiness and well-being as well. So not going to PWOC was not an option. Church was going to be a given every week. They were going to have to adjust.

And now I'm hearing how others are seeing Andrew and it's (one) making my heart melt and (two) causing me to become so much more aware of how I need/want to guard his heart.

Last night, we had one of Andrew's Sunday school teachers from church come over to babysit. Her and her sister have told me frequently how much they enjoy having Andrew in their class, so when I found out about an "optional" (ha!) function Trey had and that spouses were "highly encouraged to attend", they were the first people I thought of. Luckily, she was more than happy to do it.

When I got home last night, we chatted for a while and, I admit, I shed a few happy, proud tears while she was talking about our son.
At the start of Sunday school, they do praise time. They play music and let the kids sing and dance. There are younger and older kids together during this time, so while some (the younger) really enjoy it, some of the older ones are in that, "this is stupid" phase. Ms. J (that's what we're calling his teacher/babysitter) said that they use Andrew as an example frequently. That he just runs in there and dances like, forgive the cliche, no one is watching. That he is just giving his all to God and he doesn't care what anyone else thinks. That he is the epitome of having a childlike faith and sometimes encourages those older ones who may think it's a little silly to get up and dance anyways.
She told me about a little three year old girl that came in one morning for the first time. She was visibly scared and unsure, understandably. Andrew walked right up to her and said, "my name is Andrew, do you want to be my friend?". She took his hand and they danced together until is was time to go into their classroom. She sat down next to him and he then told the teachers that she was his new friend and he would help her do everything.
I was so speechless and taken aback. That is exactly the way I want him to be.

There are times when I pick him up from childcare from PWOC and they'll tell me a little something like how polite he was, or how he insists on helping them clean up.

I make it a point to do my workouts around him sometimes, because it opens up the whole living healthy conversations. Sometimes I'm visibly hurting or struggling, like yesterday. At three years old, he cares enough to stop what he's doing, come over and attempt to do the exercise with me and says, "Here mom, I 'll do it with you. Maybe then you won't hurt as much". It was all I could to not quit and just love on him.

There are just a very few examples, but they completely cover who he is. There are a few downsides to this.. like how sensitive he is. Super sensitive. It doesn't take much to make him cry. Which is totally fine here at home with us. But all of these qualities that I've praised about him, I'm afraid will also cause him to get picked on growing up. And really, that's fine. I know every kid, at some point, is going to get picked on. And for my kids, if it's going to happen, I hope it's because they are going out of their way to be kind. Or for being themselves, without caring what others think. Or for loving God totally and whole-heartedly.
It's been an eye opening experience to see how others view him. It's made me be very aware of what I want to pray over him about. I pray that his heart NEVER changes. I pray that if he faces criticism, that he has enough strength and faith to withstand it and not let it change him. I pray that he continues to love people for who they are, without giving it a second thought. I pray that God gives me the wisdom and the words to encourage all of these things in him. I just pray that I do this whole parenting thing right! He is a truly special person and I hope I never screw that up!

January 8, 2014

I Dislike Wordpress

I tried out Wordpress, trying to get my writing mojo back, and it really just made it worse. I don't like it at all. Blogger is more familiar and comfortable. Honestly, I was almost ready to stop blogging all together. I hardly have the time and when I do, I don't have the mental energy to spit out something interesting and witty. But this weekend I was getting pictures organized for scrapbooking, and looking back on past blogs to help me remember what was important in that time frame. It was such a big help and a ton of fun to go back and read about what was going on in our family! So I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel. I think I'm finally just ready to truly do this for myself. I don't know if anyone is still following me here, but I'd love for our family and friends to follow along and see what's going on in our lives.

The holidays have passed and we're now into 2014. We had a really nice and quiet holiday season. For the first time since we moved away from family, 5 years ago, we stayed put. While it was sad at times, I'm convinced that we made the right decision. There was no rushing around. We were able to keep the boys on their schedule and enjoy the quiet. Trey was still off of work, even though we didn't leave, so we were able to have lots of quality time together. The kids were able to wake up in their own house on Christmas morning and we started our own traditions.
Making cookies on Christmas Eve
Matching Christmas jammies
Little Christmas morning bottle action
Andrew made a move on him in his new car

 New Years Eve was super quiet. We hung out at the house, got Chinese food take out, put the boys to bed and watched the NYE festivities going on around the world. However, we did force ourselves to stay up to midnight. Actually, I forgot. We stayed up until 11. Watch the ball drop from the Eastern Time Zone and called that a win!

While all of that time together was nice, I'm glad we are back into the normal swing of things. Trey has been super busy with school work. This week he has an 8-page paper and a briefing due. He has to turn both in on Saturday. Yes, Saturday class. That's as fun for him as you can imagine. His CCC (Captains Career Course) lasts until the end of May. We aren't yet sure where we'll be going after that, but should find out by early February. We are going to try and stay here actually, but you never know. I know he'll be glad when some of the uncertainty is gone.

We went back to PWOC today.. it was good for my soul! We've been out for a few weeks during the holiday and I realized just how essential that group of ladies is in my life. I feel refreshed and whole again after meeting this morning. Not only for myself, but it's great for the boys too. Andrew is having a blast there. His friend, Annabelle, was there with him this morning. He was so excited to see her in PWOC! I was told how helpful he was with cleanup and how well he did in general. The sweet woman that was with him when I picked him up, gushed about him for a little. Not only did he do so well, but she talked about how much fun it was for her to play the grandma role. The little one was sleeping in another woman's arms when I walked in. So, obviously he was pretty comfortable as well. And me.. it was refreshing to be back with my friends and learning more about the Bible. It's so nice to be able to befriend so many woman, of all age ranges, that all strive to put God first. I could go on and on about my love for that group, but this was supposed to be brief! I'm putting the boys into childcare on post one day a week for a few hours thanks to the urging of my husband to get some time to myself. I'm extremely, extremely nervous about this! I've joined the spouses club here and will be going to my first luncheon next week.

Andrew is enjoying playing with the new toys he got for Christmas. He's infatuated with the cartoon character Daniel Tiger and is now insisting that we call him Daniel. He's really into tracing letters and numbers, coloring, doing small puzzles, and as always, his cars. He's beginning to venture into Spiderman, which is fun. We are going to be signing him up to play his first sport that will start in March. We haven't decided yet between soccer or T-ball!

Wes is almost a year old. He's very curious about everything. Loves to walk holding onto our fingers, but I think is no more than a month away from walking on his own. I pray that I'm not wrong about that! He loves to play with anything that is a ball. He loves his walker, but not for the walking purposes. Only for the lights and music. He loves to throw things (doesn't matter what) and chase it by crawling. He's hard to feed right now because he doesn't want purees, but there's not a lot he can do finger food wise.  He has 7 teeth and is working on two more, so that's fun!

And I think that is all! I yet again hope to write a little more often, but I'm not promising myself anything...

June 20, 2013

Last Post

I officially did my first post over at Wordpress! I love it. Sorry, Blogger, but you've been replaced!

So go ahead on over and read. I've come so far. I even have a "follow me with bloglovin" button on the side bar. I know.. I feel accomplished.

So long, Blogger. Thanks for introducing me to blogging. You helped me realize that I do have a love for writing.
 I've met some really wonderful people. Some that I now consider true friends. One that I even got to meet in person. Hi Jaci :)
I've vented. I've captured some precious memories. You've seen my husband join the Army and go off to war. You've seen me through moves across the country and back again. You captured my children being born and my start through this journey of motherhood.

I can't wait to see where life takes me while I'm writing about it over at Wordpress. No more kids that's for sure, but I'll be writing about watching my kids grow. On how Trey and I grow as our kids do. Who knows what part of the world I'll be writing from! Isn't that exciting? I'm excited to see what the next few years holds. I hope you can join me!

June 19, 2013

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Bear with me! I'm having to "claim" my blog all over again with Bloglovin' and can't find my new one on their site. Apparently, I have to do this again over here and let them move my followers to my new link? I'm so confused! (Obviously). Pay me no mind for a while!

June 16, 2013

Making a Move

Hey! It's been a while!

I've decided that I really can't give up blogging. I miss it. Maybe I am a writer after all. I never said a good one.. just a writer. I need to do it. Maybe the problem was that I've outgrown this space. Maybe a fresh start will jump start my creativity. Restart my writing mojo. I need to find something I lost along the way. The fun stuff.. the reason I was so dedicated to my blog in the first place.

So I'm going to give it a go. I'd love for you to follow me over to my new space in WordPress. I'm still learning. The only thing I've written so far is my About page. But, hey, it has pictures and everything, so isn't that a good accomplishment?

It seems a little more complicated, but I'll get it. It's definitely a learning process.
  • Is there an easier way to direct you there other than giving you the link? 
  • Assuming anyone would want to follow my new blog, how would you do so? I don't see a follow button anywhere.
  • I still haven't figured out this BlogLovin thing. I honestly haven't tried too hard though. How do I make that little button all the cool kids have on the bottom of each post that says, "follow me with bloglovin?"
  • If I decide to do so, is there an easy way to link this blog to that one?
Click here to go check it out and see if there is anything else I am totally screwing up or if you notice something really cool/helpful I am missing!

May 17, 2013


I've thought a lot about this little blog of mine lately. I'm toying around with the idea of giving it up. Or I was at least. At this point, I think I'm just going to give it a rest. (or continue to give it a rest).

It's not necessarily that I don't have the time. I could MAKE the time and I always have. Since I became a Mama it was something I had to prioritize and it always WAS a priority for me. But lately, it hasn't been something I wanted to prioritize. The thought of it stressed me out more than it was a source of comfort/entertainment, nor is a form of an outlet for me. Basically, I haven't been enjoying it as much as I always have.

I thought I was DONE done, but I know I'd miss it too much. In all honesty, I already do. I have ideas brewing in my head of things I would like to write about. Just not right now. So I'll be back. I enjoy writing too much to never do it again. I just need a breather.

April 29, 2013

Wesley - 3 months in

Again, even with the second time (maybe even more so), I find myself astonished at how fast the time flies. Wes being here is so normal and so natural that it feels like he always was. And just like THAT.. it's hard to picture what life was like before him. Funny how it all works.

So, what's up with the babe?

He's in 3 month clothing and size 2 diapers with size 3 right around the corner.
I'm not sure how much he weighs, but if I had to guess I would say 14.5-15 pounds.
He's drinking 5 ounces every 3 hours with the exception of that first bottle of the day. He wants 6 ounces in that bad boy.

He's accomplished so much this month. It's been a fun one!
He's rolling from tummy to back.
Cooing, smiling, and he just started giggling.. which is the best little noise on the planet.
He had his first trip to the mountains. In fact, he's already toured The Biltmore.. very advanced, he is.
He goes to sleep between 6 and 7 every night and *knock on wood* sleeps sometimes until 6 the next morning, but still waking up at either 4 or 5 a lot of mornings for that 6 ounce bottle. If he wakes up early to eat, he goes right back to sleep. If he wakes up 6 or later, he'll stay up for about an hour then take a nap. You won't catch me complaining about either scenario!

He is just in LOVE love love with his big brother. He smiles every time Andrew comes around and will follow his voice anywhere. The best decision we made was to give Andrew a sibling (and vice versa).

It may be twice the work, but it's also twice the love and fun. My heart feels like it's going to burst seeing them together.. smiling at each other, holding hands.. it kills me. And one day we'll all laugh about the little moments like Andrew hammering him in the head with his toy hammer saying that he's "fixing Wes"....

Baby Wes, we just adore you! You were the perfect addition to our now complete family. I don't know why I let myself worry and worry over not having room in my heart to love another child like I did your big brother. What everyone says is right.. you just do. I couldn't picture life without you! Your Daddy is already in love with you as well and he can't wait to meet you, little guy!

April 15, 2013


I've been flirting with this for about a month I guess (I don't know.. I have no conception of time since that new kid came along) but to be honest.. I have no earthly idea what I"m doing. I guess I'm following blogs already, but I haven't gone onto the site after that first lookieloo.

But I really don't like the clock ticking reminding me I need to figure it out, so here's my second attempt. I copied the code so you can follow me over there. Go do it, I promise I'll get my act together one of these days and post more regularly.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

April 11, 2013

No Bad Days Allowed

I've been working this post in my head for a while now, but I've gotten to the point where I'm obsessing over it. So it's time to get the words out.

When you have young children, everyone wants to see you thoroughly enjoying every moment of your life.
"Enjoy every second while you can"
"This is the easiest it will ever be, just wait until they...."
"You'll miss these days"
And many other varieties of the same comments.
 And I'm sure they are right.

Listen, I know how blessed I am. I know how lucky I am to have two healthy, beautiful, thriving children. I know what some people would only give to be in my situation and trust me, I'm very sensitive to that.
But damn if this isn't tough sometimes (a lot of the times).

I'm up with the both of them usually before 7 in the morning. They tag team me on most days. Rise and shine mom, we both need you NOW. It doesn't end until 8:30 at night. So for 13.5 hours I'm on. And it's mostly just me. My partner in all this isn't here. While there are wonderful, precious moments sprinkled in and some days are filled with those moments, there are going to be days where I just cannot find the good in it for the life of me.
The days where I cannot bear to listen to ONE MORE whine. Where I feel like I've heard nothing but cries and temper tantrums. Where I might as well just get a tape recorder and just press myself saying, "get in timeout" every 5 minutes. Days where my back is killing me because every time I go to put my 2 month old down he screams. Days where I'm just flat exhausted by 8pm and I would give anything to have my husband here to give me a break so I can take a shower, a bath, have a glass of wine or just rest for a few minutes. Because while I do have my parents, it's not at all the same as having the other parent with you.

So some days I feel like I'll never get through it. Some days I'm reduced to nothing but tears because that's all I have left. And in that moment, I don't want to hear how lucky I am. I don't want to hear that it's just going to get harder, but OHMYGOD, I can't handle it now, I don't want it to get harder! I don't want to hear that I need to be counting my blessings instead of allowing myself to be human. I don't want to hear that I should basically be sucking it up because, hey life is good.

I know life is good. I know in the grand scheme of things, I'm extremely lucky. But sometimes, I just want to hear that someone else has been there. That they remember how hard it can be and to just hang in there, that tomorrow will be better. Tell me that as hard as it is, that I'm doing a great job. Be as quick to give out any kind of motivation to that mother of young children as you are to scold her for giving in to that long, hard day. Sympathize with her. Build her up.

Because while we already know that the years go by all too fast. the days are extremely long. And sometimes we're just flat tired.

March 20, 2013

Best Laid Plans

I should have known. I should have known better than to get my hopes up that my husband would be coming home early. I should have known that it doesn't mean anything if you have orders. When he laid out the time frame of his deployment for me and said it was a sure thing because.. hey.. orders have been cut... I should have told myself, that doesn't mean jack. I should have NEVER put my written out countdown at 134 days. We're dealing with the Army. I should have known better than to get my hopes up about any plan that we helped put together.

Before this deployment rolled around, Trey was given orders for a Career Course date. That date being mid-September. Selfishly, I was ELATED. Beyond elated. This meant he'd have to come home early enough to out-process from Ft. Bliss, take his 30 day leave, get to Oklahoma and find a house. And things were going swimmingly. In fact, just a week ago he got word that his last day of work over there would be June 15th and he'd be back in the states by the end of June. We were so excited. He was counting down how many weeks he had left. I was making plans to go out.. by myself!!!... to see him for a 4 day weekend so we could get reacquainted (get your minds out of the gutter) without the pressure of taking care of two little boys. So excited. The time left seemed manageable.

Then I woke up to a lovely little message yesterday morning that he had some bad news. I knew before even asking. It was all too good to be true. Someone up at Brigade changed his orders. Put him in the Career Course in November so he can ride out the whole deployment. Which, had that been the plan from the beginning, wouldn't even have been a thing. I don't want it to sound like he's a shammer. You just get your hopes up and get used to a certain idea, ya know?

I was devastated and actually went through a few stages of grief.

At first I was so sad and disappointed that it was hard to grasp for air through the tears. You may as well of just ripped my heart out of my chest. 6 more months seems SO. MUCH. LONGER. than 4 more months. The daily countdown was becoming easier to look at. There was an end in sight. I was getting to the giddy stage of deployment. Now it just seems unreachable again. I won't visit him until September. We won't be together again until mid-October. Depressing. So far away. He's going to miss so much more. He'll miss Andrew's 3rd birthday. He left a young toddler. He's coming home to a 3 year old and a 8 month old that he's never met. 2 and 6 months didn't sound quite as bad. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but when I thought about Andrew and Trey becoming accustomed to each other again, doing it in August sounded doable. For some reason, I'm worried about it now that it's two months later. I'm sure this all sounds irrational.

I quickly moved to anger. WHO just switches orders like that? *I know.. I know.. I know who can and will do that. Go with me here.. I was livid and not thinking clearly*
What I am still holding onto anger about, though, is that I don't see what the need for it is. He'll be moved from his BN around the time he was supposed to come home. But, get this, for what? No plan. No specific plan for him. AKA.. no specific reason to keep him there. The only thing I can make of it, is that I know how hard he works and I know how incredible his work ethic is. I'm not just saying this because he's my husband, but I know he works harder than 99% of people around him. And that's not a dig against everyone else. That's just how much he puts on himself. So of course they're going to keep him. He carries a lot of the weight and in my little ol' mind that should be rewarded by sticking to his orders.. but who am I?

I then moved into where I am now and where it sounds like Trey is as well. Reluctant Acceptance. There's nothing we can do to change this. I can't sit around pissed off for 6 more months. I have to look at the bright side. I have to find the good. So, I'll make the most out of the time I have with family and friends here. I know that a few months after leaving again and the novelty of living with Trey again wears off, I'll miss everyone back here. Deeply. So I'll soak up this time.
I have more time to work on my fitnasss. I have a membership to Gold's while I'm here. I can work out as much as I want.. and.. bonus.. they watch my kids! I've been averaging 3 times a week. I'm doing it for myself, don't get me wrong. I feel better when I work out (obvious) and I want to look good in my clothes for me. I want more energy when playing with the kids. But what a great bonus it would be for my husband to say, "dayyummmm girl" when he sees me for the first time. Well, I have two more months to work on getting that reaction.
And, of course, there's two more months of deployment pay. I'd rather have my husband, but I'll take it.

I went through the stages rather quickly. This all happened in the matter of two hours. But that's what I do. That's what I have to do. In the Army, there aren't many aspects of life that you have control over. You're at the mercy of the big machine's whims. The only thing I CAN control is my attitude and outlook. So, go ahead Army. Throw whatever you want at me. I may throw a temper tantrum, but just give me a little bit of time. I'll come around. I'll support my husband and be more proud of him than most people can even fathom. I'll wait for him and make sure his kids always remember who he is and keep him in conversation every day. And we'll get him back. Just a little later than expected. And that's okay... I guess.

As hard as this is on me, I know it's 10 times harder on Trey. He's working so hard every single day of the week and hardly resting. I get to see joy on my son's face when we go to places like the park, Chucky Cheese or Monkey Joes and no matter how sad I am, his smile lights my heart up. I get newborn snuggles throughout the day and get to witness a whole 'nother little being's milestones. He's missing out on all of that. So if you don't mind, and when you think of it, say a prayer for him. He could use a little extra help getting past this setback. We'd both really appreciate it!