Best Laid Plans

I should have known. I should have known better than to get my hopes up that my husband would be coming home early. I should have known that it doesn't mean anything if you have orders. When he laid out the time frame of his deployment for me and said it was a sure thing because.. hey.. orders have been cut... I should have told myself, that doesn't mean jack. I should have NEVER put my written out countdown at 134 days. We're dealing with the Army. I should have known better than to get my hopes up about any plan that we helped put together.

Before this deployment rolled around, Trey was given orders for a Career Course date. That date being mid-September. Selfishly, I was ELATED. Beyond elated. This meant he'd have to come home early enough to out-process from Ft. Bliss, take his 30 day leave, get to Oklahoma and find a house. And things were going swimmingly. In fact, just a week ago he got word that his last day of work over there would be June 15th and he'd be back in the states by the end of June. We were so excited. He was counting down how many weeks he had left. I was making plans to go out.. by myself!!!... to see him for a 4 day weekend so we could get reacquainted (get your minds out of the gutter) without the pressure of taking care of two little boys. So excited. The time left seemed manageable.

Then I woke up to a lovely little message yesterday morning that he had some bad news. I knew before even asking. It was all too good to be true. Someone up at Brigade changed his orders. Put him in the Career Course in November so he can ride out the whole deployment. Which, had that been the plan from the beginning, wouldn't even have been a thing. I don't want it to sound like he's a shammer. You just get your hopes up and get used to a certain idea, ya know?

I was devastated and actually went through a few stages of grief.

At first I was so sad and disappointed that it was hard to grasp for air through the tears. You may as well of just ripped my heart out of my chest. 6 more months seems SO. MUCH. LONGER. than 4 more months. The daily countdown was becoming easier to look at. There was an end in sight. I was getting to the giddy stage of deployment. Now it just seems unreachable again. I won't visit him until September. We won't be together again until mid-October. Depressing. So far away. He's going to miss so much more. He'll miss Andrew's 3rd birthday. He left a young toddler. He's coming home to a 3 year old and a 8 month old that he's never met. 2 and 6 months didn't sound quite as bad. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but when I thought about Andrew and Trey becoming accustomed to each other again, doing it in August sounded doable. For some reason, I'm worried about it now that it's two months later. I'm sure this all sounds irrational.

I quickly moved to anger. WHO just switches orders like that? *I know.. I know.. I know who can and will do that. Go with me here.. I was livid and not thinking clearly*
What I am still holding onto anger about, though, is that I don't see what the need for it is. He'll be moved from his BN around the time he was supposed to come home. But, get this, for what? No plan. No specific plan for him. AKA.. no specific reason to keep him there. The only thing I can make of it, is that I know how hard he works and I know how incredible his work ethic is. I'm not just saying this because he's my husband, but I know he works harder than 99% of people around him. And that's not a dig against everyone else. That's just how much he puts on himself. So of course they're going to keep him. He carries a lot of the weight and in my little ol' mind that should be rewarded by sticking to his orders.. but who am I?

I then moved into where I am now and where it sounds like Trey is as well. Reluctant Acceptance. There's nothing we can do to change this. I can't sit around pissed off for 6 more months. I have to look at the bright side. I have to find the good. So, I'll make the most out of the time I have with family and friends here. I know that a few months after leaving again and the novelty of living with Trey again wears off, I'll miss everyone back here. Deeply. So I'll soak up this time.
I have more time to work on my fitnasss. I have a membership to Gold's while I'm here. I can work out as much as I want.. and.. bonus.. they watch my kids! I've been averaging 3 times a week. I'm doing it for myself, don't get me wrong. I feel better when I work out (obvious) and I want to look good in my clothes for me. I want more energy when playing with the kids. But what a great bonus it would be for my husband to say, "dayyummmm girl" when he sees me for the first time. Well, I have two more months to work on getting that reaction.
And, of course, there's two more months of deployment pay. I'd rather have my husband, but I'll take it.

I went through the stages rather quickly. This all happened in the matter of two hours. But that's what I do. That's what I have to do. In the Army, there aren't many aspects of life that you have control over. You're at the mercy of the big machine's whims. The only thing I CAN control is my attitude and outlook. So, go ahead Army. Throw whatever you want at me. I may throw a temper tantrum, but just give me a little bit of time. I'll come around. I'll support my husband and be more proud of him than most people can even fathom. I'll wait for him and make sure his kids always remember who he is and keep him in conversation every day. And we'll get him back. Just a little later than expected. And that's okay... I guess.

As hard as this is on me, I know it's 10 times harder on Trey. He's working so hard every single day of the week and hardly resting. I get to see joy on my son's face when we go to places like the park, Chucky Cheese or Monkey Joes and no matter how sad I am, his smile lights my heart up. I get newborn snuggles throughout the day and get to witness a whole 'nother little being's milestones. He's missing out on all of that. So if you don't mind, and when you think of it, say a prayer for him. He could use a little extra help getting past this setback. We'd both really appreciate it!

Sunday Morning

I don't usually get the urge to write on the weekend, but there is something peaceful and perfect about this morning and my fingers were itching to get to typing. There's nothing specific I want to talk about, I sometimes just get that urge. You know, right? I know I'm not the only one...

I'm surprised that I'm feeling this good this morning. All signs point to a crappy attitude. I should be a miserable wretch.

I'm so sick of never hearing from Trey. I guess I shouldn't say never, but no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for this, I guess deep down, I still thought we'd be able to talk more. I hear from him, on average, twice a week. I never know when. I send email after email that is never responded to. Because when he does have the time to send a quick message or make a very quick call, there's not time. It's rushed and we're both in a frenzy to get as much in as we can. I feel like it's never a quality conversation. He's so busy.. so so busy.. so I don't hold it against him. He's working 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. He's been sick since he's gotten there and is just now starting to feel better. So I know. I know it's hard for him and I know there are extenuating circumstances right now - that I really hope clear up fast! So I still hold out hope. I hope that once their big issue resolves itself that we can talk more. But this ish is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. Because there's nothing that can prepare you for not being able to call your best friend to talk about all of life's little or big moments when you used to be able to call whenever you wanted. I all too often find myself picking up the phone, wanting to call him, then realizing there's nothing I can do about it. I just wait for my phone to ding with an email alert or ring with some strange unknown number. And nothing can prepare you for the worry that settles into your heart, for me, around day 2 of not hearing from him. Because while you know everything is probably okay and he is most likely perfectly safe, WHY HAVEN'T YOU HEARD FROM HIM?
So - that's taking a toll on me, for sure. I know a lot of my friends can relate at the moment! One day at a time, right? And that reunion gets closer and closer day by day... no matter how far away it seems right now.

Sheww... I didn't think that would be so long winded. I really just meant to type up a few sentences.

Also, I'm constantly in a state of exhaustion. I spend the day thinking I'll go to sleep as soon as Andrew does. But he goes down and insomnia hits. I finally fall asleep somewhere between 11 and midnight, which is very late for me.. and wake up roughly 3 times a night.. never being able to just fall right back asleep.

Then, Andrew woke up at 7 instead of 8. So I lost another hour.

And you already know how uncomfortable I am, so I don't need to go on about that. I'm sure you can imagine.

I don't mean to make this into a complain-fest. All that to say, for some unknown reason, I feel good this morning. I'm relaxed. And dare I say... happy?
Yes, Andrew woke up early, but we used that time to snuggle in bed and watch cartoons. By snuggle I mean he was a wiggly mess and I get a few seconds here and there of cuddling, but it was still good.
Now we're in the living room and everyone else is still asleep. I have my coffee and Andrew is playing with trains, pick-up trucks and police cars. It just seemed like the perfect time to write. Something about that first cup of coffee and a quiet morning. It screamed WRITE IN YOUR BLOG to me.

I don't have anything at all planned for us today. I've been on the go too much for the past two days, so today we'll just rest. And play. And watch the Patriots. Happy Sunday everyone!

Day 5

Day 5 - How hopeless does that sound? Especially since I don't know how many days we have. I won't dwell on how badly this sucks, how nothing could have prepared me for this (no matter how well I thought I was prepared), how it feels like I may have an ulcer by the end of it, or how many times a day I look at my phone checking to see if I somehow missed a call/email/fb message from him. No. I won't focus on any of that.

I'll let you know that we're hanging in there. We're both pretty settled at my parents house. I feel very much at home and I think it's safe to say Andrew does as well. He has a definite separation in his head about his and Mama's house and Daddy's house. I can't begin to guess what a 2-year old understands in this situation. He knows he is far away working and helping people, but I also think he still thinks Daddy is at our old house too.
I've decided I have sensory issues since being here. My brother drives me crazy when he eats his ice cream 5 out of 7 nights a week. The slurping, spoon clanging and jaw cracking. They watch crazy movies like Cast Away... if I hear water sploshing around for one more second I'm going to jump from the roof. The dog and her licking/scratching. It's all just too much. But when the sounds get overwhelming, I can just go up to my room. It's nice to have my own little space in a house with all these noises.

Trey sent videos of himself reading to Andrew along with the books for us to follow along. We've gotten to listen to him read for the last two nights and it's been great. Andrew's a little confused, but for the most part it's such a great thing! The smile on his face is priceless while he's listening to him. He just thinks Trey can hear him talk back to him and I have to explain that he cannot. We'll get there though!

Christmas had it's tough moments, but overall was a great day. Andrew was so much fun this year. It was a little overwhelming for him, so we did have to take it slow. We didn't finish opening presents until almost bedtime! He now has way too many toys.

I'm so ready to be done with this pregnancy. I won't go into all the details, but we can just leave it at I'm extremely uncomfortable. I'm ready to meet this sweet boy. Yet another reason I'm thankful to be with my family! They are such a great help with Andrew!

So, to sum it up, because I feel like this is a jumbled mess, we're okay. I'd kill for more reliable communication. I would give anything for a broken up, horribly connected, 3 minute long conversation. I miss him like crazy. It feels like it will never end. But I'm busy. And Andrew keeps me smiling every day. And I'm enjoying living with my family.
I'm going to set goals for myself once the baby gets here. I'll set big ones and smaller ones so I have something to help mark the time. I just have to come up with them :)  It's fun putting together care packages, so that helps too!

I hope you all had a great Christmas! I hope to get back to more regular, positive blogging soon!!

A New Beginning

Pardon the absence! Life has been crazy and while I have had the urge to write, I didn't want to keep writing about the only thing that was swimming through my mind - a temporary life without Trey. Thoughts around him.. or the lack of him... were constantly swimming through my head and it wouldn't have made for any fresh blog posts. I had talked about it so much already and there's only so many ways you can say the same thing.

Jaci Greggs Photography

  Anyways - The day I'd been dreading has come and gone. Trey is still in the states. Of course, very shortly after I bought our plane tickets home, they pushed his date out a good bit further. He'll still be gone before Christmas, but we could have gotten more QT with him. No sense in focusing on that though.
Yesterday, I gathered up all the courage I could possibly muster and got on a plane to SC. I'm pretty sure it was the hardest thing I've had to do thus far in life. I'm going to miss him something fierce, but to see the man you love say goodbye to your son with tears in his eyes... heart wrenching. I chickened out and made my brother take us to the airport instead of Trey. I'm convinced that was for the best. I couldn't handle it. When you can't hold it together in front of your baby and he's asking Daddy why Mama looks so sad... not good. This way I was able to have that 5 minutes or so to pull myself together before having to travel all day with him.

Jaci Greggs Photography

 It was awful and I'll never forget Trey's face as we were pulling away, but we're here now and we're getting used to our new normal. I was able to hold it together until seeing my parents at the airport. I'm guessing it was my strength as a mama shining through that got us here, but we did really well!

Andrew's having a good time playing, but he does keep asking to go back to his own house. Not really sure how we're handling that yet and I'm really NOT looking forward to when he realizes he misses his Daddy. Until Trey actually leaves, I'm not sure that it will truly sink in for me. Right now, it just feels like any other visit home. We can text all day and call each other whenever we want. I think this will be a good transition though.

In the meantime, we'll just be settling in! I'll be busy getting Andrew used to the fact that he lives here, meeting my OB and transferring over to Tricare South, learning which cabinets the strainers go in and getting used to our new normal. I finally feel like I can respond to texts and emails without crying, so if I've ignored you at all, I promise I won't for long!

Jaci Greggs Photography

Doubts

I'm sure this is normal... I think at least. Who knows what's normal anymore. But I'm having HUGE, like big fat huge doubts about going back home for this deployment. I was so sure of this decision. I knew I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure anymore.

First and foremost, I can't help but feel I'm leaving my friends when they need me most. We're all going through this together and I'm just over here all, "peace out!!". I should be with them. We need each other. I know I'm replaceable.. I know there are others here, I'm not leaving anyone on their own. But I want to be here with them. I want to be here for play dates, to be a shoulder to cry on, to celebrate countdowns, to have dinner with when they don't want to eat alone for one.more.night, you get the point. I hope I can do well at being supportive from afar!

I don't know if it was the smartest move to give up our house. This is our space and we're comfortable here. Andrew's stuff was all in it's place. I can walk around without a bra on if I want. (and I want). We do as we please.. it's home. I feel like this part of the deployment would have been much easier had we not decided to move me home. Obviously.

A few months ago, I was dying for a break from living on an Army post. I was sick of pulling my ID out everywhere we went. I was tired of driving so slow that I could walk faster, and if I saw ONE MORE TINY BIT OF CAMO....
Now, I'm clinging to any little bit of it. Maybe that would have been a nice little reminder while he is gone. Maybe some familiarity would have done me good. I'll miss all of the "welcome home" signs, yellow ribbons and day-to-day ceremonies out on the parade field.

But, I don't know... I think maybe my mind is just clinging on to anything it can. At this point, I just have to trust that I'm doing the right thing. I'll be glad to have family around when I'm going into labor that's for sure! And for just day to day life. I know I'll be thankful for them. It'll be cheaper, that's for sure, and I feel like I'm contributing to our family by being able to pay down debt and build a hefty savings account.  But, I also sort of feel like I'm not being as supportive to Trey as I could be by going home. But I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there.

That's about all I have at this point. I'm surprised I was able to semi-decently put some real thoughts down in all reality.

We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. There I feel better already.....

Distraction

Here's what I really want to talk about -

I'm moving in 2 weeks. Is this really my life? Is this for real? Do I really have to say goodbye to my husband for an undisclosed amount of time? Is he really going to tuck his son into bed for the last time in a while and I'm really going to have to watch a grown man cry? This can't be real.

I'm having a hard time keeping it together. Don't get me wrong, when he's home, he's home and we're enjoying every minute together as a family. And that part is wonderful. But, please, pay me no mind if you see me out alone and have random tears in my eyes. Or better yet, come up to me and assure me this will be over before we know it. Sitting by myself at the hospital lab, for instance. It's just that I can't get the image of my husband hugging and kissing my son for the last time out of my head. That's enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

 Jaci Greggs Photography

I could keep this blog post all on one neat, tidy topic and end it here, but I don't want to leave it in a place of funk. So let's talk about something else. Something happy. Let's talk about Andrew and what he's been up to. *Don't look surprised, you know it's my favorite subject*

So this is what I'll talk about instead - 

First of all, I'm able to work on this post in my favorite element (coffee nearby, jammies still on, the early morning sun peaking in through the blinds, and it's dead SILENT) because it's 7:15am and he's STILL SLEEPING. Do you hear the choir of angels singing?? This is unheard of. So, thank you baby!

Moving on...

He's talking up a storm. That's such a given at this point, even. When he first started, I was keeping up with a list to see how many words he had. I was able to do that for about 2 weeks before it became useless and I couldn't keep up. I ADORE the fact that he talks to us like a regular little human.
Full, complete sentences with his own little mixups added in:

• He refers to himself as "you". Funny story to go with that. Our friend Fritz was over playing in the backyard with him last week (God love him). They both came in and Fritz was confused thinking that Andrew wanted him to have some water. Probably because Andrew looked at him and said, "get you some water please". No, he really meant himself. Get Andrew some water. 
• His favorite show right now is Super Why. Sidenote: this is such a great show! He calls it Super Why-er and I think it's adorable. 
• As is the way he says noodles. "noo-noos". I've yet to correct him and, in fact, that's what we now call noodles in our house. 

Then he comes out with these big sentences/words that are said perfectly. It sounds so funny/adorable coming out of his little mouth.
We were at the doctor the other day when the doc asked him what he did this morning. He looked at him and said, "I went to the playground yesterday".
Right now he's drawing with my pencil. He just said, "I draw a submarine". Oh.. okay hun.. draw on!

Some of his key phrases lately have been:
"Oooh what is that?" (100 times a day.. I know he knows what that tree is!)
He'll mumble something that you can't understand, then say, "don't say that", while scrunching up his face and laughing.
"Uh-ohhh". Anytime something even remotely is a little off or goes wrong. 
"Loves you Mama/Daddy". Melt.
A big hearty, "OKAYYY", when we ask him if he wants to do something that sounds appealing to him.
Whenever he hears music of any kind (from a show, radio, commercial.. etc.)  he gives us this astonished look at says, "come out a feekers (speakers)".

He gets real excited when he's telling us "long stories" and starts to stutter a little. I can tell his brain is just going 100 miles an hour and he can't keep up! And it's less of stuttering over the beginning of words and more of putting, "uh uh uh's" in between words.

His imagination is becoming evident. I've always watched him play and wonder what in the world he was thinking. You know, as he's driving his cars around, flying his planes in the air, or building towers upon towers of blocks. Now, he's talking to himself as he's playing and I can catch a glimpse into that brain of his. Usually he's just going somewhere in his cars or planes. He'll look at us and say, "Bye, see you later, going to the (fill in the blank.. usually the PX, Commissary, or playground... you can tell what we do with the majority of our days). He's also starting naming his friends house, saying he's going over so-and-so's house. It's pretty cute. He'll drive his cars along the couch and yell out things to himself along the lines of, "NO NO NO, PLEASE, NO NO, STOP!!". Who knows what's going on there, but it's entertaining.

He loves to play this strange "game" about 10 times a day. He calls it "stinky feet". He asks to get in our bed and then says, "smell feet". He sticks his feet in our face and waits for us to gag uncontrollably because his feet are "soooooo stinky". I have no idea where this came, but I'm quite sure my husband started it.
Another favorite pastime of his is to type numbers and letters into Word. He loves for us to help him spell certain words and switch the colors on the letters. Seriously, this kid is going to be bored to tears in Kindergarten.


I'm sure I'm missing things, but I realize this may not be as interesting to all of you like it is to us. You already know I like to keep up with this stuff though to have to look back on. This is a running joke among myself and Trey and also a few of my friends, but I have to say, this is definitely my favorite stage. The joke is that I say that about every single stage :)

Dwindling Time

Well, I put it off for as long as I felt safe doing, but our tickets are bought. Andrew and I officially have one-way tickets out of here.

I was in major get ISH done mode during Drew's naptime today and one thing on the list was to get those tickets purchased. I was on such a roll being super woman that I didn't think about what I was doing.. I just did it. And I felt good about FINALLY getting that done. Then like 10 minutes later, I randomly lost it. Like called-my-Mama-sobbing lost it.

I didn't even see it coming. Silly me. I know I say this every time, but it's so much more real now. His dates may switch up until the last minute and I took comfort in that. Because if we don't have a set in stone date that he's leaving, it's not real, right? But I know my date now. We fly home bright and early on the first of December. A one-way flight. We have a real countdown. And that makes things worse for me.

I'm looking forward to our block leave. To get a lot of minimally interrupted time together. (sorry in advance to family if I'm joined at the hip to him.. but not really sorry actually). But when we get back here, we'll have less than a month together. I'm not ready for that. Honestly, this will probably be the hardest part. The waiting. The counting down. The dread. The what-ifs. Yuck.

Time can just start to slow on down starting RIGHT NOW. I want to soak up every minute. Forgive me if I become a social recluse on nights and weekends! And bare with me around here friends. Things will start to look up. I do have a little boy I'll have to be positive for around the holidays and will have a new addition to blog all about in the new year!

Out of Denial

I know I mentioned a while back that my key coping mechanism for the upcoming deployment was denial. That was working really well for me. I was talking about it enough. I've been watching him pack. I've been going to FRG meetings and hearing about it. But I wasn't letting it sink through in my mind. It's been kind of easy with everything else I have to think about. Yard sales, moving, new baby, Andrew. Focusing on all of that stuff and keeping busy was working for me. Until I got on Twitter today.

I should have stayed the hell of Twitter, is what I should have done. Someone mentioned that I'll Be Home for Christmas was their favorite Christmas song. I read it and my heart either stopped beating completely or it just broke into a million little pieces.. I'm not sure which one. It definitely felt as though my world came crashing down around me - and it hasn't really put itself back together in the time being.

I keep repeating the lyrics in my head now. It's the worst song possible to have stuck in my head, but yet it won't get out. He WON'T be home for Christmas. I CAN'T count on him. It doesn't matter if there is snow or what decorations are hung.. he WON'T be here.. and I'm pissed. I'm so pissed off. (I feel like I'm going through stages of grief). Denial was a much better state to be in. I was happy there.

I don't know how I'll get through this holiday season. I just want it to be done and over with. I just need to get over that hump.

I don't know that I'll post this. I may in case someone else is feeling the same, but I may disable commenting. It feels so vulnerable putting this out there. And I don't really know what else to say. I don't know how to respond when someone tells me it's going to be okay.. and I don't think people know how to respond to me when I do put my feelings about this out there. It feels awkward.. or maybe that's just me. But, like always, I had to get it out somehow. And this is safer for me than opening up my mouth and making the words come out. Besides, how does one bring that up in conversation? "Hey, so-and-so! I got to thinking today and this finally feels real to me. And why yes, my heart is breaking and I'm scared shitless. Please pass the crackers. How is your day?" See? Awkward.  So I put it here and I feel better, either way. Like a little bit of that weight is lifted just writing it down.

Time is flying by and crawling at the same time. I'm not sure how that's even possible. This is really happening, isn't it?

I'm Coming Home

I've always believed that your home is where your heart is. What if you heart is headed overseas? Are you then homeless?

Trey and I finally made the final decision that I'll be heading home when he deploys. Let's face it, I'm going to need the help. I'll be 8-9 months pregnant when he leaves. I know I could do it on my own if I had to, but that's just it, I don't have to. While my friends here are wonderful and have always been more than I would have asked for myself, nothing compares to living with/around both sides of our family. The biggest factor was when Trey really opened up to me. He's not so great about expressing his feelings, so when he told me how much he wanted me to go back... that it would make him worry about us so much less... what choice did I really have?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the choice that we've made. I really am.. it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. But I hate the circumstances. There is so much I could get excited about. All of that time with family. Andrew and new baby (NB) getting quality time spent getting to know family in a way they wouldn't be able to otherwise. Andrew and NB spending all of that time with their two cousins back home. Holidays with family without having to jump on a place with 2 kids. My in-laws go to Hilton Head every Easter together and have always wanted us to come. I can do that this year. Making up time lost with friends back home and seeing how their families have grown. All great, wonderful, exciting things.
But how will I fit in? Will that feel like home without my husband? Will I feel guilty enjoying myself with our families and friends while he is off in a war zone? Will anyone understand and empathize with what we're going through?

While I know we are making the best out of a crappy situation and I'm confident that this is the right decision for us, my heart is still breaking. This will be our first deployment. I know I have a lot to learn. I guess I just don't really know what to expect. But then, first deployment or fifth, I guess there's no real way to prepare for this, right?

Everything is becoming so real. With NTC LITERALLY right around the corner, which takes a good month of the time we have left together away, I feel like our time is dwindling too fast. Plus, I'm pregnant and hormones are in swing LIKE WHOA. This is how I deal with thoughts and feelings... I'll need to write it all out (and talk about it incessantly.. sorry close friends!) to process stuff. Naturally, with this all being such a huge part of our lives, I'm sure this topic will come up quite frequently. Just a warning!

And He's Off

For a few years now (3), my brother has been driving me absolutely, bat sh!t, crazy.

He joined the AFNG 3 years ago and ever since then, has been itching to get on a plane overseas. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp the idea of a service member REALLY WANTING to deploy. Yes, they join of their own free will, knowing that they will most likely go at some point and they are okay with that. But jumping at the bit to go into a war zone? I don't get it. I know lots of military members out there exists that think this way... I would just never be one of them is all I'm saying. I'm in awe of them. I think they are truly remarkable people and it makes me teary just thinking about it.

So, for 3 years, I've been listening to his eager hopes every time a flight was going out. (if I don't use proper AF terms, forgive me. You know what I'm trying to say!)

"There's a flight going out, I'm gonna try to get on"

"I think they may let me go out on this one". "No they aren't". "Yes, I'm going.. I'm pretty sure". "Nope.. can't go."

"Hey, I really think I'm going this time. So and so has to come back and I think they're gonna let me take his place".
"Nope.. have to stay".

Years of this I tell ya. So many conversations that when he came to me last time letting me know that THIS WAS IT. This was his time. I was all, "yeah. okay. Whatevs."

I didn't think anything of it at all to tell you the truth. I put it out of my mind and waited around for his call letting me know it wasn't going to happen. Except when he called me back, he was letting me know that later that week he was getting his shots. You know the shots I speak of.
It shocked me. I was in the car with a friend, gallivanting around town, and just lost it a little bit. My little brother was going overseas. FOR REALS this time.

Then it all happened so fast. He got his shots. Was issued his deployment gear. Had his last day at his normal job. Had his last 50 beers (I kid.. 75). Packed up his stuff and my parents went to send him off. And now he's there.

I'm anxious to hear from him. Without going into too much detail, I feel pretty good about his general safety. But one can never feel TOO good when your loved one is in a war zone. I want to make sure he's not too tired. That he's eating well. That he's safe. I know he can handle all of this and I know he wanted it so very badly... but he can come home now :) He's been over there a few days.. enough to get it out of his system, right?

Either way, I'm one proud sister!

Weekend in Review

I had a REALLY busy weekend.. compared to my normal weekends. Busy. (side note: I accidentally wrote Busty and then laughed incessantly). Very busy. But in a really good way. A few days in a row that really filled up my cup.

Friday night, Trey and I had our friends, Nancy and Bryan, babysit Andrew so we could go out to dinner with Jennifer and Fritz. You've heard me mention them quite a few times (Jenn is the one I went to high school with.. and now we live in Texas together). F is deploying.. umm.. very soon and we wanted to get one last night out with them before he leaves... and since Trey can't be available this week.. Friday night it was it. It was bittersweet. We went to Cattleman's Steakhouse.

both pics found on Google Images

Which is beyond amazing. This coming from a girl who could live without steak for the rest of her life and really not feel like I'm missing out on a thing. (I've been telling people that this place was featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, but apparently that's the one in Oklahoma City. I'm not sure if they're the same thing. If not, this one needs to be on the show too. For reals). We had a great time with them (even walking through the stinky petting zoo in heels afterwards where Jenn and I came very close to revisiting the food we just ate), but it was hard to put the reason we were eating together that particular night out of my head. I can't imagine how she feels (or any of the other number of women who's husbands are leaving) if I've been worrying over it this much. I know she will thrive while he is away though.. she's an OUTSTANDING person :)

Another good friend of mine, Ashley, had her baby boy Friday afternoon. I was able to go to the hospital and visit Saturday morning and ohhhh myyy... he is precious! He's just perfect. I don't feel comfortable sharing pictures of other people's babies, so you'll just have to take my word on this one. Perfection wrapped up in a tiny 6 pound 12 ounce body.
Ever since I gave birth to Andrew, I've become super sensitive to others having babies. You can't understand the true miracle of it all until you've had a child yourself, I don't think. I know I never did. I had NO comprehension at all for the amount of love you experience. None. And now.. I do. And I want everyone to experience it. And to see that new understanding in the eyes and written all over their expressions.. it does this girls' heart good.

We then spent the day at JG and her husband's house watching football all day on Saturday. Minus Andrew's new found extreme fright of dogs (WTH... seriously.. the kid has always loved dogs. Loved them. It was his second word. All of a sudden... he clings to me like a koala bear around a tree when they are around. What up with that??) we had a great time! Especially when JG made Pioneer Woman's fried chicken. Slurp.. excuse me while I salivate at the memory of it. Best fried chicken (that was mostly baked) in the entire world. Yes.. including Chick-fil-a. Wowzers. Bama won.. good for us. OU won.. good for them. Too bad the Pats couldn't keep it rolling on Sunday.

Sunday morning, Fancy Nancy and I got out of the house super early and decorated the *mostly* outside of the new parents' house. We were so incredibly excited. It looked pretty darn good if I do say so myself. I hope they enjoyed it all! I also hope it's not too hard to take down!

So yeah... friends + babies + good food + football = a pretty awesome weekend!

Warning: This is a long one

This post will be a tad bit scatterbrained as I'm feeling a bit.. well.. scatterbrained. It's just been one of THOSE days. You know one where I've had to collect specimen samples from my child so of course he wouldn't poop. Until the most inopportune moment when he went while I was driving, dug into his diaper and proceeded to smear it all over his body and eat it. YUM. So of course if spread to me.. and the carpet upstairs... and I called my husband crying and letting him know that I would not, after all, be joining him for his Hail and Farewell tonight. Since you know.. the baby has had ONE 15 minute nap at this point, I haven't showered since Tuesday morning and I now have poop in my hair.

There. I feel much better. (and don't worry.. I've showered by now)

On to the real topic of the day. Back to the subject of friends, which, I know, I've touched on many times. But here it is again.

When I moved away from hometown, SC, I already had my tight knit group of friends. I've never had a problem finding people and forcing them to be my friends, but when I moved away,  I never ever suspected I'd be as blessed as I am sitting here now. I had a lot to learn when it came to the ways of the military.

Friendships - real, true, amazing friendships - form very quickly. Of course, you don't have that instant bonding with EVERYONE you meet, but it happens a lot. See, you don't have quite as long as the normal person would to forge a friendship. People come and go and you never know when. You meet someone, you click, and you don't know how long you'll have together.
You need them. You need these people, you need these friendships. You are thrown into a totally foreign (to you) place and only have the people you live with. You need people to bring you up when you are down (because you WILL have your down moments), to grab a cup of coffee or a cocktail with you, to vent to, to laugh with, to tell you that you should absolutely NOT walk out of this house with those jeans on, to have play dates with, to give you some adult conversation, to hold your hand through hard times. The list just goes on and on and on.
You have to have people to depend on. Because, honestly, you can't depend on your significant other 95% of the time. I don't say that with any bitterness at all, so I don't want it to read that way, but it's true. I know Trey would drop everything for us if he could, but I also am fully aware that Army comes first and he didn't make that rule up. He hates it, but it's a fact. We knew that from the beginning. He's either in meetings, in the field, training to deploy, or deployed. So, no, he can't come home out of the field and take care of the baby while you have a stomach bug and can't leave the bathroom. But, you have 5 girlfriends volunteering to take you to the hospital, take the baby for the night, bring you soup, gingerale or crackers.
You need people who understand the things you go through without having to explain anything. I LOVE my friends back home and they know that. But this would be 100% more difficult if I were still back home while Trey did his Army thing. I don't mean to sound like I'm in some secret society or anything, sometimes I feel like that's how I sound, but as much as I've always had friends that were there for me, it's different in this world. Everyone else's lives still go on. Their husbands would be home every night to have dinner with them and relax with. I have some girlfriends who, usually, it works out that their husbands are not coming home on the same nights mine isn't. Instant girls night!! It's great. But we also understand when plans are ditched at the last minute, because, "YAY my husband's coming home".
You need people to not look at you like you are a complete loon if you randomly break out in tears because you miss your mom and dad SO VERY MUCH. And people to step in and take that roll when your real mama can't! (Hi Sue and Maridee).

I've been lucky enough to meet a great group of girls like that.  I really do count my blessings. I've also been lucky to not have to say, "See you later" to any of them.. until now. I've only known Melissa IRL for a few short months.. just for the summer. But now she is gone and let me tell you.. I felt that goodbye like I was losing a friend I've had my whole life. We bonded.. and we bonded very quickly. The two of us, plus Jaci, had the best time together over the summer. Now she's headed back to law school and (not to sound too dramatic.. it's just the truth) I've felt like I've had this little hole in my heart for the past few days. I will always miss her in my life (until we're stationed in the same area again), but I do realize how lucky I am to have met such an awesome person.. someone who I will always consider a great friend.

Nancy and I had a great conversation about this lately, plus Trey and I were laying in bed the other night, talking about all of these people that have come into our lives. It's crazy when you really think about it.  What if we never left hometown, SC? How can it just be a random thing that our paths crossed with the people that it has. Two years ago I would have never imagined this. That I'd have these wonderful friends that are more like family. That I'd open myself up to and have true friendships with people from Oklahoma, Tennessee, Washington, Wisconsin, Michigan, Georgia, Arizona, Wyoming of all places (sorry.. but not many people know someone from Wyoming).. all over the country.

Of course I do miss back home. But I'm thankful for all this. I'm thankful for the opportunity I've had to broaden my horizons. To meet and become close to the people that I have. Without this crazy, sometimes inconvenient, life that we live now, I would never have known this was out here.

I'll say it again at the risk of pooping out butterflies... I'm truly truly blessed!

On somewhat of the same note, this has been weighing heavily on my heart lately, so I thought I'd share and ask for prayers. I know of so many girls right now that have either just said "see you later" to their husbands for a deployment or who will be VERY very soon. It's the first time that I've been so close to people that are going through it and seeing it happen the whole way out. (hearing they'll be leaving, watching them get ready, counting down the days, etc.) and it's heartbreaking, but also makes me very proud to know them at the same time. It's going to be a hard year for some of my dear friends.. please keep them in your prayers and I promise to do the same!

Let go and let God

That was one of my Grandmother's favorite sayings, I believe, and it's one that really stuck with me. Along with something about there only being one cook in the kitchen and "a watched pot never boils".

But, anywhooo...

For the past few weeks, I've tried to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's who I am.. a worry wart! It's just what I do. I like to take the world and try to mold it in my hands just so. There are times when I fully believe that I can take any situation and make it go the exact way I want it to, even if the odds are stacked against me. I'll make it work. Sometimes with words and actions, and sometimes by sheer will. While oftentimes I am successful, I am sure that this is the main cause for the crick in my neck 99.9% of the time. It's hard to need all of that control!

Two situations that have been sitting right there on the tippy top of my shoulders: Andrew's medical issues and that ugly D word (deployment.. that will be the only time I say it!)

The whole thing with Andrew.. I HAVE to let go. I hate this saying, but "it is what it is". God made him a certain way. I'm not at all convinced that what the doctor said is the actual case, but if it is, what can I do about it? You were all right, there is plenty of technology out there and doctors know what they are doing (most of them). If it can't be fixed.. there is a reason for it. God doesn't screw up. Repeat over and over... and over. He doesn't make mistakes. We'll be fine!

D word.. ahh.. D word, D word, D word.
We all know it eventually comes up. We can't avoid it forever. Of course DH and I have to make it more difficult than necessary. I've already done a post on this before, but to refresh the memory, he is debating going over to another unit to go sooner. I'm all for it. In fact, I'm hoping for it. Of course, once we've discussed it to absolutely no end and have both come to the conclusion that we both want him to go ahead and go and my hopes are up.. it's starting to look like he'll have to wait.
Sound crazy, do I? Listen, he's going sooner or later. Either this year or next. Let's just get this show on the road and get it over with! Of course, I've had our family map planned out since we got married. I knew exactly when I wanted to have kids and how many and what sex I wanted them to be. (see my control issues here?? Hey.. I wanted a boy first and look what I got!) If he goes sooner.. he'll come home and will be exactly in the time line of when I wanted the second child. If he goes late.. shooo.. that throws me all of! So far, his BN doesn't sound like they will let him go. You mean his BC doesn't care that it doesn't coincide with my family plan??? I kid. I need to learn to be okay with this. The Army certainly isn't going to consult me every time they want to take my husband away, as much as I think they should :)
God has a better life plan than I do. As hard as that is for me to grasp and agree with.. I know it's true. If he doesn't go sooner, there is a darn good reason for it. And I'm pretty sure the Big Man will let me know when it's time to have another child.

I'm ridiculous. I'm letting go. I'm very positive that I'll have to re-read this post a million times and chant that phrase over and over again... maybe one day it will sink it.

D-Day

Ahhh.. my first private blog post. It's actually kind of freeing to know exactly who will be reading this. I think I'll like it.

The word Deployment has been coming up an awful lot in our house lately. No, my husband's unit isn't set to deploy for another three years or so, but he's planning on volunteering (yes, you read that right, volunteering) to go with another unit that is going in 2011. Let me explain...

When Trey joined the Army, he couldn't wait to deploy. He wanted to get out there and help. To accomplish something meaningful in his life. I knew he was all about going over when he left for Basic, so I've had a long time to prepare myself.. if that is even possible. When he finished with BOLC II, we were given a list of places to pick from to be stationed at. Ft. Bliss appealed to him because they did the type of stuff he wanted to do (I clearly don't know what that was) and the unit was at the beginning of a deployment and he thought he would go and join them. When we got here, he was told that they were coming home early and he would be part of (or Commander) of Rear D (the people left behind from the deployment). SO not what he wanted to be doing. He had resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't be deploying for a while and was so disappointed that he was even contemplating getting out when his 3 years was over. That was until...

Someone informed him that he didn't have to wait for his unit. He could volunteer to go with anyone else that was deploying. From anywhere and at anytime. He started talking about that a month or two ago and I really was just brushing it off. He kept going back and forth. Yes, he still wanted to go. But Andrew changed everything. He couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving him for a year. What am I, chop liver?? ;)
Over the last couple of weeks, I put my foot down. I couldn't take the indecisiveness. I'm a planner, which goes great with the Army lifestyle, doesn't it?? I hate not knowing about anything in the near future and will obsess over it.

After lots of conversations, we both came to the conclusion that it will be best for him to go. Yes, I'm willingly sending the love of my life away to war. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I also adore and respect him and know that he needs to go. Just like when I agreed to him joining in the first place. I knew that if he didn't at least commit a few years to it that he would spend the rest of his life regretting not doing something that he'd always wanted to do. Same here. This is why he joined in the first place, number one. Two.. it's going to help accomplish our financial goals. No, I'm not being selfish. We both want ALL of our debt paid off. In his eyes, he doesn't have the option to walk away from the Army even if he wanted to until all of our debt is paid off.. or most of it. I can tackle most of it during a deployment. Third.. it's as simple as knowing that for his career, he needs to do this. He can't go to Captain's Career Course without a deployment patch. Yes, people do that.. I'm sure it happens a lot. I, personally, don't think there is anything wrong with that. My husband's pride will never let him do that.

Am I scared? A little. I don't want to spend a year away from him. I don't want him to miss a year of Andrew's life. There will be a lot of firsts in there that Trey won't get to experience, but thankfully, Andrew won't remember any of it. I don't want anything to happen to him. I also believe though, with all of my heart, that when it's your time, it's your time. God has our lives mapped out. Nothing we can do or not do will change that. I know I've mentioned this before, but he had a gun put to his head during a robbery when he worked at Arby's. He could have just as easily died right there.. doing something he hated.. as he could doing something he will be proud of.

If this really does happen, I'll be going home for the year. I always said I wouldn't do that, but again, Andrew changes everything. There's nothing to keep me here and all the reasons in the world to go home. I have the opportunity to give him a chance to spend a whole year around family. For him to get to know them and vice versa. Once he starts going to school, I won't be able to do that. I want to take advantage of that time while I can. 

 After the holidays he'll start asking questions, and as long as they say they need him, he'll be going. Of course, this could change a million or trillion times before he actually goes, if he does at all. They could tell him, no, they don't need him, right? But as of now, he said to just plan on him leaving so that's what I'm doing. I'd rather prepare myself and then get a pleasant surprise than not be ready at all. I'm being as supportive as I can be. I'm encouraging him because I know that's what he wants from me. I also made sure he knows that I would be A-OK with him staying as well.. HA! In the long run, he needs to know that I'm okay with it and that he won't have to worry about me. I may be kicking and screaming on the inside at times, but he will never see that.

I'll be fine. He'll be fine. We'll get through it and it will go by fast. I've never been more proud of him.

Ketchup Time

After my unintended week long blogging hiatus, I guess it's time to play a little catch-up. Bullet style.

• We had a great, long 4th of July weekend. What started out as only a planned regular 2 day weekend (there were meetings, I guess, that he was going to have to go to), turned into a 4 day, turned into a 5 day! We spent our time together doing LOTS of relaxing, putting a crib together :), helping a friend move, and eating lots and lots of burgers with friends.

• The nursery is ALMOST finished. We have lots of the basic necessities and just need to work on the finishing touch-ups. Which I better get busy on because time is running out! We had this quote from Hob Lob that I wanted to put above his crib.. would have looked great right?? Except for the fact that it wouldn't stick since all of our walls are bumpy.. you know.. they are all painted like popcorn ceilings..grrrr. So now I've got to figure something out that I like just as much!

• Had my 32 week appointment yesterday. He is doing well and seems to be healthy, but he is still breech. I know he still has about a good month to turn, but I have a strong feeling that he won't. He is always sitting as high up as he can in my ribs (yes, it's as uncomfortable for me as it sounds) and I think he is comfy enough up there. If he's anything like his mother, he knows what he should do, but is quite happy doing what he wants and is not moving for anybody. We'll see. I know there are exercises I can do to try and get him to turn... I'll do those.. but I AM NOT doing that ECV thing where the doc can try to move him manually. No, I'll just take a C-sec thank you very much. We'll find out for sure at my next appointment in 4 weeks!
  
• I've been going to the pool on-post to get some workouts in and I'm loving it! It's a great big Olympic sized pool that is great for doing laps in. I only wish I had discovered it 2 months ago when we first moved here... CRAZY that we've been here for 2 months already.

• A good friend of ours has left for his first deployment this week. Trey met Mr. Soldier at OCS and they were good friends throughout. We moved to Ft. Sill together and the 4 of us became good friends while we were there. It was nice to have a familiar face during our first move and have a girlfriend to watch The Bachelor with every week :) Anyways, in May we all went our separate ways and have been adjusting to our new areas. We knew his unit was getting ready to deploy, but it never seemed real. We've all been in this undeployable training bubble for over a year, and all of a sudden, that bubble was popped. I wish that I could be with Mrs. Soldier now as she is going through the first couple days without her husband! They will both be in all of my prayers for the next year! I'm trying to convince her to start a blog so she can see what a great support system you ladies are!!

That's just about all that I can think of. Maybe that's why I haven't been updating much.. nothing to tell! I hope everyone has a great weekend!

The Great Debate: Deployment Style

I cannot tell you how many times this conversation has come up in my life lately. I'm not sure why it's come up so often. We don't even know what unit he is going to be assigned to after this training is over (I feel like training has gone on FOREVER), but I guess because we are quite certain a deployment is something we'll be facing in 2010. Whatever the reason... I can't tell you how many conversations I've gotten into lately about what I am going to do when he does deploy... go back home to SC vs. stay wherever we are stationed.

I have strong opinions on this and know without a shadow of a doubt that I will stay wherever it is we are. I've had to defend this decision multiple times lately though. I have no doubt that people mean well. They are afraid I will be alone. That I need to be around family. I hate this argument, but it was said so I'll put it out there... "what if something happens to Trey, don't you want to be around family".
Here are my views. Number one and most importantly, I refuse to go into this with the assumption in mind that something is going to happen to him. Now that that's out of the way.. A) I'm planning on being extremely involved in his unit's FRG. I want to be surrounded by women who are close to the situation. Women who are going through the same exact thing that I am going through. I want to be there for them and vice-versa. I want to be there so I'm in the know in everything that goes on with the boys. Yes, I am fully aware that all FRG groups aren't so great. I know that they are not all as ideal as I've just described, but all I can do is my part. Maybe I am being entirely way too naive, but I don't see anything wrong with putting myself out there and being as supportive as I can be. Even in the worst group there is, there has to be at least ONE other wife that feels the same way. B) I want Trey to feel secure. Does this make sense? I have it all sorted out in my mind but sometimes have a hard time conveying things out loud (or typed.. whatevs). I want him to know that I'm holding down the fort back "home". That I'm taking care of the house (the same one we're in before he leaves) while he is gone and to know that he's coming back to the same one. I don't want him to worry about where I'll be or how I'm handling it. I've never been through this before, but from what I understand, the more stable and simple things are, the more at ease he will be. Home for us now isn't SC as hard as that sounds. As cliche as it is, home is now where the Army sends us. This is true. Which brings me to my third point. C) Moving around, being on our own, and time apart is part of our lives. We were both fully aware of this when he signed up. Signed up being the key phrase. He wasn't forced into doing this and I wasn't being the submissive wife with no opinion mattering. He volunteered and I supported him whole-heartedly. This being said, I refuse and cannot run home every single time he leaves. I need to be able to make it on my own, and truly believe that I can. This way of life already has so much instability... I cannot add to that. Especially when we add kids into the mix.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on going back to visit my family and friends as much as possible. My family still provides a source of comfort that can't be replaced and they still mean more to me than is probably normal. When I express these strong opinions that I have, I sometimes feel like I'm hurting feelings. No one has outright made me feel like that, but I just worry about it. But really, if my my family hadn't raised me how they did, if they haven't loved me as much as they did, I probably wouldn't be able to handle the time apart this way. I wouldn't be able to stand strong on my own.

As a disclosure - these are just MY opinions. And clearly, I haven't been through a deployment yet, so I can't speak for anyone that has. As much as we prepare ourselves for these things, we really don't know exactly how hard it can be until it happens. I absolutely don't think that people that don't share my views on this are wrong, this is just the way I want to go about it. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, but how do you feel about it? Please, feel free to let me know what you agree with, disagree with, or where you flat out laughed at my naive way of thinking! I love to see others opinions and different viewpoints!