I know I mentioned a while back that my key coping mechanism for the upcoming deployment was denial. That was working really well for me. I was talking about it enough. I've been watching him pack. I've been going to FRG meetings and hearing about it. But I wasn't letting it sink through in my mind. It's been kind of easy with everything else I have to think about. Yard sales, moving, new baby, Andrew. Focusing on all of that stuff and keeping busy was working for me. Until I got on Twitter today.
I should have stayed the hell of Twitter, is what I should have done. Someone mentioned that I'll Be Home for Christmas was their favorite Christmas song. I read it and my heart either stopped beating completely or it just broke into a million little pieces.. I'm not sure which one. It definitely felt as though my world came crashing down around me - and it hasn't really put itself back together in the time being.
I keep repeating the lyrics in my head now. It's the worst song possible to have stuck in my head, but yet it won't get out. He WON'T be home for Christmas. I CAN'T count on him. It doesn't matter if there is snow or what decorations are hung.. he WON'T be here.. and I'm pissed. I'm so pissed off. (I feel like I'm going through stages of grief). Denial was a much better state to be in. I was happy there.
I don't know how I'll get through this holiday season. I just want it to be done and over with. I just need to get over that hump.
I don't know that I'll post this. I may in case someone else is feeling the same, but I may disable commenting. It feels so vulnerable putting this out there. And I don't really know what else to say. I don't know how to respond when someone tells me it's going to be okay.. and I don't think people know how to respond to me when I do put my feelings about this out there. It feels awkward.. or maybe that's just me. But, like always, I had to get it out somehow. And this is safer for me than opening up my mouth and making the words come out. Besides, how does one bring that up in conversation? "Hey, so-and-so! I got to thinking today and this finally feels real to me. And why yes, my heart is breaking and I'm scared shitless. Please pass the crackers. How is your day?" See? Awkward. So I put it here and I feel better, either way. Like a little bit of that weight is lifted just writing it down.
Time is flying by and crawling at the same time. I'm not sure how that's even possible. This is really happening, isn't it?