October 10, 2012

Out of Denial

I know I mentioned a while back that my key coping mechanism for the upcoming deployment was denial. That was working really well for me. I was talking about it enough. I've been watching him pack. I've been going to FRG meetings and hearing about it. But I wasn't letting it sink through in my mind. It's been kind of easy with everything else I have to think about. Yard sales, moving, new baby, Andrew. Focusing on all of that stuff and keeping busy was working for me. Until I got on Twitter today.

I should have stayed the hell of Twitter, is what I should have done. Someone mentioned that I'll Be Home for Christmas was their favorite Christmas song. I read it and my heart either stopped beating completely or it just broke into a million little pieces.. I'm not sure which one. It definitely felt as though my world came crashing down around me - and it hasn't really put itself back together in the time being.

I keep repeating the lyrics in my head now. It's the worst song possible to have stuck in my head, but yet it won't get out. He WON'T be home for Christmas. I CAN'T count on him. It doesn't matter if there is snow or what decorations are hung.. he WON'T be here.. and I'm pissed. I'm so pissed off. (I feel like I'm going through stages of grief). Denial was a much better state to be in. I was happy there.

I don't know how I'll get through this holiday season. I just want it to be done and over with. I just need to get over that hump.

I don't know that I'll post this. I may in case someone else is feeling the same, but I may disable commenting. It feels so vulnerable putting this out there. And I don't really know what else to say. I don't know how to respond when someone tells me it's going to be okay.. and I don't think people know how to respond to me when I do put my feelings about this out there. It feels awkward.. or maybe that's just me. But, like always, I had to get it out somehow. And this is safer for me than opening up my mouth and making the words come out. Besides, how does one bring that up in conversation? "Hey, so-and-so! I got to thinking today and this finally feels real to me. And why yes, my heart is breaking and I'm scared shitless. Please pass the crackers. How is your day?" See? Awkward.  So I put it here and I feel better, either way. Like a little bit of that weight is lifted just writing it down.

Time is flying by and crawling at the same time. I'm not sure how that's even possible. This is really happening, isn't it?


Amber said...

Congrats. You ARE going through the stages of grief. I'm currently in the depressed stage. It's not fun.

Jen said...

You know if you ever need to talk I'm here! Been there and back twice. Hugs my friends!

Kristy said...

You are entitled to whatever emotions and feelings you are experiencing! And if blogging about them helps you deal, explore, etc., then do it!!! Screw what other people think!

JG said...

I'll just warn you, don't listen to "Sending You a Little Christmas," in case you happen to run across that one. Just typing the title made me tear up. But then I find crying therapeutic.

I'm sure it'll hit me after Leave. Right now he keeps telling me different dates (not dramatically different, just different) so it's hard to feel like there's really a countdown happening.

Anonymous said...


Yell and scream at me if you feel the need, but I need to tell you that YES, you are going to be okay! It's going to suck sometimes! Big time!!! But, you're going to survive, come out stronger and then look back and wonder, "Wow! How did I ever get through that?"

We've been through two deployments, two tours in S. Korea, countless schools and TDY's and each time (especially the ones after I had my son) I wonder how in the world I'm going to make it!!

All the feelings you are experiencing are actually helping to make you and your marriage stronger!! Imagine what your marriage would be like if you didn't feel afraid at the thought of your life without Trey! Or if you weren't thinking about how much you were going to miss him, especially around the holidays!

During our separations, many would ask, "How do you do it? I could never do what you're doing!!" You know what? As a military wife and mother, you do what you know you have to do!!

Not all days will go smoothly, but each day you're growing stronger and stronger!! If this blog is what helps you to cope, then by all means, write/type as much as you need to and post whatever you want!! Anyone interested in supporting you, will do just that!!

Continue to surround yourself with positive things and people!


Steph said...

It's okay to be mad, sad, in denial. You are allowed to feel however you want.

Thanks for posting this. Sometimes I forget how much deployment sucked.

You will be in my thoughts....

Charla Welch said...

Sometimes I wish I could "like" people's comments. I think I need a facebook hiatus.

It is rough. This past year has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me, and just when I thought we were settled in to a real date, the Army went and changed things up again.

So I try to focus on things to be grateful for. I'm grateful that we have the technology to keep in touch so much easier these days. I'm grateful that these new arrangements mean a shorter deployment for J, and I'm grateful that I have friends going through this in a similar timeline so that I have people to share these things with. *hugs*

Jenn said...

Oh Jessica, your posts do not show up in my reader for some reason (user- error? most likely!) so I am just now reading this. My heart hurts for you, girl. Denial is so much easier/better than everything else. I'm a big procrastinator, so "thinking about it tomorrow" is always a good rule of thumb for me. Makes it not feel so real. But when something like that Christmas song sets you off, hot ham, you've jumped off the denial wagon.
Please please PLEASE call/text/email me whenever. Seriously. I am usually just talking jibberish to babies or eating chocolate or making milk, so there is nothing really earth-shattering going on in my life right now where I can't talk. (Unless Steve calls and then I am completely unavailable for those 5 minutes. LOL)

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Write it out, cry it out, and get you some chocolate because I swear to Moses that that stuff can be so therapeutic. Love you girl!