Dancing in the Rain

Maybe not quite dancing, but in the midst of the current storm that has been thrown our way, there have been people and circumstances that have made me smile. I've felt better today than I have in a little while, but tomorrow Trey has to go back to work. That makes me nervous and instead of focusing on my fears, I don't think it would hurt to focus on what's put those random smiles on my face over the past few days.

1. Andrew. Plain and simple. Everything about him. I've always thanked God for trusting us to raise such an awesome little man, but I have been even more so over the past few days. It's a big responsibility to put on an 18 month old, but he's been my saving grace. His random hugs and kisses when I need them most. His blooming (hilarious) personality. The way he now says, "uh oh" 100 times a day. His silly faces. Everything. I don't know what I'd do without him.

2. My husband. I know he's hurting just as much as I am, I'm sure. But he's done a damn good job of putting his feelings aside for a good chunk of this time to take care of me. To comfort and reassure me. To make me laugh. I'm blessed.

3. Love from friends. A hot meal, flowers, hugs, texts, kind words, emails, phone calls (even though I may not answer them or haven't returned them yet.. I'm sorry!) and even comments from you girls that I don't even really "know in real life". It's meant the world to me. Even if it may not seem like it's registered with me, I promise you it has. I may not respond to everyone of you right now, but it's been appreciated more than you know.

4. A new routine. We discovered a few weeks ago that Andrew LOVES Wheel of Fortune. I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier that he'd love it. Pointing out letters is his favorite pastime. Followed closely by things that spin and clapping. Put it all together and what do you get?

So, every night at 6:30 we sit down as a family and watch. It's the only show out there that he will sit and watch in it's entirety. He loves pointing out the letters and can now say a lot of them when they pop up. He gets the most excitement out of Es, Os, Ns and Ms. Can't forget about Ts and Is. He watches so intently and has so much fun with it all. And boy do we clap clap clap. I have to say. I get really excited for 630 to roll around!

5. Lastly, I have to recognize the simple effect of the sun shining down. The weather has been gorgeous and I can't help but smile to think about all of the new life that comes along with the start of Spring. The Easter season. Hope that Jesus gave us all. And just the plain old vitamin D. It's good for the soul.


I knew I couldn't escape real life. I knew Trey would have to go back to work eventually, and honestly, I'm VERY lucky he's been home as long as he has. He was supposed to be out in the field and I'm so thankful he was able to stay home with me. I think it's just the quietness I'm afraid of. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, but let's be real. Number one.. it needs to happen. Number two... it will only be anywhere near quiet during nap time. I'm sure a certain someone will keep me plenty occupied. The two of us will maybe dance a little tomorrow.

Fighting Bears

While perusing through my favorite blogs this morning, I came across a saying that while I've heard it many times, has never sunk in the way it did for me right now.

You can fight a bear for a little while.

I have just been in this funk for a little while now and I can't seem to shake it. I'm sure it's the combination of things:
This sickness that has been going on with all of us for a little over a week now, but feels more like a month. It's just been your typical winter cough and congestion, but goodness, that takes it's toll. Especially when you have a little one that doesn't seem to care that he can't breath, he just wants to play play play. I literally broke down and cried this morning because (Lord, I'm tearing up again.. what is wrong with me??) I want nothing more than to run around at the park with him, but I just can't do it. I completely lack the energy and break out in a coughing fit from walking from one room to the other. I REALLY wish I had his grandparents right down the street that could just pick him up and take him out to play. It's the little things...

We also have so many changes coming up and I am starting to think more and more that I'm letting the thought of them all get to me. I think we'll handle everything just fine, some of them will be harder than the others, but we'll get through. And probably stronger and happier than we are now. It's just the thought of everything. The waiting and thinking. I worry too much. While I love to have a plan, sometimes I think life would be so much easier for me if everything was just thrown at me at the last minute. No time to worry. In all honesty, I need to be praying more. I shouldn't be worrying. I need to learn to better give my worries to God. It really could be so easy... if I just did it along with writing about it. Let Him be the planner. His plans are perfect.. mine usually? Not so much.

But, I can fight a bear for a little while, right? None of this is permanent. We are all going to get over this crud. In fact, it's going to keep getting warmer and warmer outside and staying light later. We'll be able to get outside a lot more. While Andrew may be bored to tears, he won't remember this. And really, if he's not feeling good, he needs the down time too, like it or not.
And all of those changes, they are going to come. Like I said, we'll get through them. Not all of them are bad, maybe just scary at the time being. God knows what our future looks like and while I don't want to say that He won't give us anything we can't handle, I do know that if I trust in Him and turn to Him, I can handle anything with Him.

In the meantime, look at this handsome face I get to look at all day:

With all of that cuteness, nothing can be TOO bad, right?

What if....

*I know.. I know.. two posts in one day! To my defense though, the last one was a scheduled post I wrote yesterday*

Whoever said that the feeling of being homesick goes away is a liar liar pants on fire.


Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like now if Trey never joined the Army. If we never left our hometown.
Would we have been able to keep up with our mortgage and still be living in our home? We were dangerously living paycheck to paycheck.
Would we have decided to get pregnant at the time we did? Would we have Andrew right now? Let's say we did. Our parents would never have to miss him. We could go and spend an unlimited amount of time with them. My parents house would look like they had a grandchild besides just the pictures on the wall. Maybe they'd have their own stash of bottles, diapers, baby food and toys. (Trey's parents have a granddaughter that does live in the same town, so their house does look like this already). I could see my mom and dad loving on my baby and I feel like my life would be more complete.

I'm struck with a stabbing sense of regret and sadness when I hear about my friends that are able to do this on a regular basis. Just something as simple as going over their parents house for dinner.. to watch a movie.. to grill out. Visit them when one of them is sick or in the hospital. Spend holidays with them. Watch a game. Anything. Sometimes, it's little things that stop me in my tracks. The other morning when I was drinking the same type of coffee my mom drinks. I was instantly back on her beautiful deck drinking it with her. Or today when a loud truck drove by. For the quickest nano-second I pictured my brother pulling up in our drive way and plopping down on the couch asking for some munchies and a Gatorade. Do you know what I would give to experience these little mundane things????

But, on the other side... What If he didn't sign up.

What if we never moved away? Would I still be that same dependent girl who never grew up? Never did anything on her own? I barely knew how to keep up with bills before he left.. so serious. I can remember while he was at OCS in Benning and I made my first road trip down to see him. It was the first time that I ever.. in 26 years of life.. got in the car and took a road trip by myself. I was scared out of my mind. (Rightly so, apparently, I almost died.) And after a summer of making monthly 5-hour road trips to Benning, I friggen jumped in that same car, by myself, and drove 18 hours to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Me. Ask my friends.. they'll tell you how unlike me that is. I grew so much. I don't know that I would of ever had the chance to do that otherwise.
I look at the people I have in my life now. I've met so many amazing people. It's crazy to me to think that I wouldn't have met all of them had we not made this decision. When you're an Army family, you learn that you don't have all the time in the world to form a relationship with the people you meet. So, sometimes, when you meet the right people, it's instantaneous. After the obligatory, where are you from? Do you have children? How long have you been in? What posts have you been to? That's it.. it's like you've fast-forwarded 2 years into a friendship: you have their number, your FB friends, and they immediately are an irreplaceable part of your life. I've been so blessed in this area.

If he hadn't joined, we probably never would have had the opportunity to see the places we have seen over the past 2 years. That's sad to me. While we were eating dinner at The Edge of Texas last Friday night, sitting outside, looking at the mountains, we talked a lot about that. No, El Paso is not the most exotic location in the world. But, it's beautiful in my opinion. We never in a million years would have randomly said, "hey.. let's book a flight to El Paso for vacation this year". But, I'm incredibly thankful that we're here... experiencing a new to us culture. Viewing a part of the country we wouldn't have otherwise. I'm getting opportunities that not many people get. Because it's not just a vacation, because we live here and will for at least another year and a half (probably more it's starting to look like) we get to take our time. Explore the area. Travel to surrounding locations.
Fort Sill, or Lawton, OK rather, was a hole in the wall, crap town. But I can guarantee you that if we weren't stationed there for a bit, I never would have seen Oklahoma City.. which we loved btw. I never would have met the people that I did there that I now would consider some of my great, great friends.

And this is only 2 years into our experience. Who knows what else we will see. Who knows who we will meet. I don't believe there are any mistakes. The places we go and the people that become part of our lives.. it all happens for a reason. So, yes, while there are the drawbacks of being homesick and missing out on time with family, I still have to say that I love our life and I'm very thankful for where we are in it. And hey, the pay will only get better. Soon, I'd imagine we'll be able to afford flying back home more often.. now I just need to come to terms with the hassles of flying with a child/children.

It Took Me 6 Days to Write This

This post will be a little hard for me to write. Well, not necessarily to write, but to click that Publish Post button on the bottom. I've had so much on my plate lately and all of these things I've been trying to sort through in my mind. They haven't necessarily gotten better per say, but I'm coming to terms with everything. I'm not putting all of this out there to get sympathy.. I don't do well with sympathy really... I just want to be honest with my blog and not just write about the "unicorns and glitter stuff". I don't usually write about the bad stuff.. who wants to look back and remember the bad? Not I! But this is all big stuff and a real part of my life that I'll remember anyways..

I had a pretty hard time after Andrew was born. I wouldn't necessarily classify it as Post Partum depression, I think it was just coincidental that life decided to throw up on me at that point. After a couple weeks of feeling out of control of my emotions, sad and overwhelmed like I've never felt before, I decided to bring it up to my doctor at my 6-week checkup. She agreed with me that I have a tad bit of depression after talking for a while and we decided to start me on a prescription for Welbutrin. At first, I was ashamed. I've always been able to brush things off my shoulders and look at the bright side. I would definitely say that I am a glass half full kind of girl. But those hormones after pregnancy are no joke. I think too many people try to ignore symptoms of depression, but if more people would just talk about it, maybe it wouldn't be such a hard thing for women to admit. It's better to realize you have a problem before it gets out of control and you start having thoughts about harming yourself or your baby. It doesn't have to get to that point. So, on with my point... on top of those crazy hormones:


He looks how I have been feeling!

I was feeling homesick like never before. I was dealing with being away from family before Andrew came along. Sure, I missed home and got down about it from time to time, but now I have a son. My parents and Trey's parents have a grandson and it makes me incredibly sad that they are missing out on all of his little milestones. I have a very real sense of guilt. I know that is irrational. Nobody makes me feel guilty, I do it to myself. I feel like I'm taking a special time in life away from my mom. The thought of Andrew only seeing extended family a few times a year (if Trey decides to make a career out of the Army) tears me up. I need to get these feelings under control and I feel like time *and medicine* is helping. The whole "bloom where you are planted" thing is starting to really sink in with me. Sure, I would LOVE to be around our family and friends all the time, but I can't waste life away wishing for something that isn't possible for now. I'm going to make the best out of the situation we are in and appreciate the opportunities we wouldn't have had otherwise!

I second, triple, and quadruple guessed myself about sharing this, but again, I'm sure we're not the only ones going through it in this economy! We came to the realization that we have to let go of our house in SC. We've had renters in it since we left, but 1) the county raised our taxes by an ungodly amount because it is an investment property now. That starts in January and there is NO WAY we can afford the increase. 2) The renters helped with the situation of course, but they decided they wanted out last month. So, we're barely holding on. We couldn't rent the house for as much as it will be going up anyways. Best case scenario - it will sell in the next 2 months. We dropped the price drastically, so we'll see. Second best - the bank will approve a short sale which we're in the process of going for. That won't hurt our credit quite so badly as a foreclosure would. Hopefully, it won't get to that point! This was all very hard for me to come to terms with. It's embarrassing, ya know!? I know, though that it's not something we could control. We'll do whatever we have to do and move on from there. Safe to say that we won't be buying a home again until we are done with the Army and can settle somewhere!



Not a happy camper!



Remember this post and this one? About my Uncle Ronnie who had a scary time with seizures? He ended up being put on seizure medication for what was supposed to be 6 months. Well a couple months ago he had another seizure. While on medication. Not supposed to happen! He went in for more tests and to make a very long story very short... turns out he had a tumor on his brain. He had surgery last week and they were able to remove 95% of it. It is stage 3 cancer, but the doctor seems to be pretty optimistic about his survival chances. He will be starting 6 weeks of chemo and radiation soon, every day except weekends and holidays. I've been a praying fool for this man lately and I truly believe in my heart that everything will end up okay, he has a lot more life to live! It's been such a scary time and I wish more than anything that I could be in Massachusetts with my family.. it's been hard and scary for me. I can't even imagine what they are going through. I'm very thankful that I have such a tight knit and positive thinking family that will make the best out of any situation they are put it. I know they are all helping each other through it.

I know I am putting all of our dirty laundry out there for all to read, and I feel slightly crazy for doing so. But I wanted to be real. If anyone of you may be going through the any of the same things and feelings, I wanted you to see that you're not alone. If you are dealing with depression, it CAN get better. Take some time to invest in yourself. Talk to a doctor. Make a stronger effort to focus on the things you have in life to be thankful for. It helps and there are ALWAYS things you can feel blessed about. You may have to dig deep and start with small things, but the positive thinking will come easier to you, I promise!
I'm completely aware that I sound like an After-School Special. Sorry about that.

Remember to smile!

Dear El Paso Residents,

It's about time I got a few things off my chest!

1. Last time I checked, I still live in America. Learn English.

2. After you've learned our language, please start working on American customs.
Common courtesy for one. Here's just a few things to keep in mind:

You know when you're driving through a parking lot and you see huge arrows painted in certain lanes. They are there for a reason.. not some sort of tacky decor. You're supposed to drive up or down certain aisles. The arrows are you're friend. They tell you which direction to go. If we could all just follow the arrows, we could all get out a little easier and you would prevent me from cussing you out and throwing my arms up in the air at you... please No.. I'm not dancing.. I'm PISSED.
Now... follow me in the store, will you... No one ENJOYS grocery shopping. We don't go there to socialize. We'd like to get in and out asap. That being said, please don't park your carts in the middle of the aisle to chat with your bff. Get out of the way.. PLease. Checking out is also not the time to chat with the cashier. I'm sure you've never met in your entire life. What could you possibly be talking about for so long? (as in.. your groceries are bought and paid for. Now she's scanning mine and I'd like to put them in my cart... PLEase)
And if you have a buggy full of crap, you're not allowed to go in the 20 items or less lane... PLEAse!!

3. Your car has a blinker on it. It's used for turning. Also used for merging. Oh, you don't know what merging means? I've noticed. Look before you switch lanes... PLEASE.

I guess that maybe I've been spoiled living in the south for the past 14 years. Or maybe I was just raised with great manners... but it's just as simple as thinking of other people. Being a considerate person. I like my life to consist of social rules that are followed by all, smiles and waves when you're passing another person, and yes ma'ams and no sirs.
I've come into your city and have embraced the Swamp Cooler, learned to accept a yard full of rocks instead of nice, plush grass, have gotten over the fact that you don't believe in having mail boxes in front of houses, and am branching out and tasting scary Mexican food and have even quite enjoyed it (not that it compares to San Jose.. just sayin'). I'm not asking much in return, am I?

Thanks for listening and let's get along a little better for these next few years, 'K?

The day before the day before we leave

In case any of you haven't notice ~ I'm just a little excited to go and visit with family and friends! I started getting ready for our trip today and got more done that I planned to. Did bookoos of laundry which was a pain in my arse. Apparently, Wednesday mid-mornings are a very popular time to use the apartment's laundromat! Finally got that done with a little cleaning of the bathroom in between. -this whole house WILL be spotless before we leave, down to fresh, clean sheets. Very important to my sanity to come home to a clean house.- I made my packing list and even got a majority of the packing done (clothing wise at least). I didn't plan to do that until tomorrow.
Trey's CO's are holding fast to the plan that we can't sign out until midnight Friday night. Seriously? You're really going to dismiss him around 2 and then we just have to sit around and look at each other for 10 more hours??? That's precious driving time. I'm still holding out hope that they get a touch of the Christmas spirit and let us leave early. Just in case though, we are staying up as late as our eyes will let us Thursday night and I will sleep as far into the day as possible on Friday. Trey will still have to get up at 5 for PT, but that's good for him. That way he'll come home and if we can't leave, he'll sleep until later in the night. Maybe I'll make some coffee around 9:30 - yes, pm - and maybe we can eat at IHOP before signing out.
Grrrrr while reading over my shoulder, hubs informed me that we absolutely are not leaving before midnight, so operation stay up as late as possible and sleep all day Friday is on. I might as well make the best of the situation - it'll be fun trying to stay up tomorrow night. Pizza and movies it is. Wish. us. luck.

edited to add: my bad! I forgot a little piece of vital information regarding our trip. Hubs leave doesn't actually start until Saturday, hense the reason we can't leave until 12:01. Teehee..
Army 1, Jessica 0

Sorry to bore you with all that, but don't you feel better knowing my sleep schedule for the rest of the week? I may post one more time before we leave, but after that, I'll be on a holiday hiatus we'll call it. I'll be back after the new year with lots more talk and pictures of our trip home. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas with your loved ones!! And if you have a spouse that is deployed during the holidays this year, I hope you are spending it with many friends and other family. Thank you so much for your sacrifices!!

Ohhhh yeah!!! How 'bout that SYTYCD finale??? I am more than in love with Russell. My feelings would not be hurt at all if either him or Katherine win! He has come so far, excels at every single style he attempts, and I just love his personality and heart out there. The only way I will be extremely ticked off is if Ryan or Ashleigh win. Ash isn't that bad, but I really don't see how or why Ryan is still on the show. And the whole "we're so much in love that we cry when we're together and can't stop hugging and kissing in front of the camera thing"? PLEASE don't tell me anyone is dumb enough to fall for that. THEY KNOW IT WILL GET THEM VOTES!!
End Rant. Seriously, each and every one of those dances warmed my heart to no end. My favorites were: Kathryn and Jakob's contemporary ( I admittedly shed a tear or two on that one.. beautiful.. but can't find it on YouTube), Kathryn and Ryan's Samba (she made it.. not him), Russell and Eleanore's Paso Doble, and Russell and Kathryn's hip hop. Now you know I have to show as many videos as possible because I want so badly for you all to be just as enamored as I am :) Aren't you all glad I learned how to post videos??

That hot little Samba I told you about:


Russell and Ashleigh's Lyrical Jazz. He is so so great in this one:


So many other great ones, but those are all I could find... for now.. muaahhahahaha

U-S-C.... Gooo Cocks!

And we're here. The big game we prepare for all season. The only one that really matters. Our big top dawg rivalry. The Carolina-Clemson game!

Yes.. maybe, just maybe, Clemson is way ahead of us in the history of this rivalry. Like sadly so. 65-37 Clemson if you want to get technical. So what if we've lost our last three games and Clemson's kinda been kicking ass. If you know anything about us Carolina fans, you know we are the most hopeful creatures on earth. So this is where I will be all morning until mid-afternoon. Posted up in front of the TV, cheering on my Cocks with all of my entire heart, hoping for a game day miracle.

On a separate note, our Thanksgiving was okay. Just okay though and that's my fault. Dinner was great. Trey said it was the best Thanksgiving dinner he's ever had (lying to flatter me is completely okay in my book). I was just very, very emotional. I know it was just the fact that it was a big holiday, but I was extremely homesick for the first time since I've gotten out here. I cried for the majority of the day. From anything from a Folgers commercial I saw during the parade, from seeing Santa at the end of the parade (WTH???), to bigger more important things. I felt horrible for Trey. I feel like I pretty much ruined his day, especially towards the end of it. I took some NyQuil to go ahead and put an end to both of our misery, woke up and put my big girl panties on. Said a quick prayer, made a mental note of all of my blessings, and plastered a smile on my face. Yeah, it was a fake smile at first, but within a couple of hours my sour mood was lifted. I half-heartedly put Christmas decorations up, but thoroughly enjoyed them once it was dark. Celebrated a close call Alabama win with Trey. Got dressed up and had a much needed night out with friends (dinner and Orange Tree!), came home and laughed for two hours straight together while watching Christmas Vacation! I leave you today with some of my favorite Aunt Bethany quotes:
"Is your house on fire, Clark?"
" No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights"

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

"Grace? She passed away 30 years ago"

"Is this the airport Clark?"

Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

Home Sweet Home?

I MADE IT!! Safe and sound and in one piece.
It's really not as bad as everyone made it out to be... i don't think.. yet. Yes, it's a very small town. But really... everything I need is here (on one of the 2 main roads). Except Target of course, but I digress. That's what online shopping is for. Our little apartment is just perfect. It's plenty big enough for the two of us. I'm really not that hard to please.
I got in around 2:00 yesterday and we we're going going going nonstop until bedtime. Hubs got a thoughtful whim up his sleeve yesterday and had flowers and a presh card waiting for me. He tried to get me a bottle of wine as well, but apparently, they don't sell wine on Sundays here. Beer? Yes. They even have a beer drive-thru here.. ha! But you cannot buy wine on Sundays. Weird. We ate and ran a bunch of errands. I straightened up our little haven immediately and got some candles burning so it smells a little more like home.
Got a laundry list of things to do today to keep me busy as well, but I have a feeling that I'll have a lot more time for the gym and blogging. I do have to find something to keep me busy everyday (you know.. like a job). I don't think I'll find errands to do everyday to get me through.
Point of this post: I'm a lot happier than I thought I'd be. It is what you make of it. We'll have NO control over where this life takes us for as long as hubs decides to stay with this. I have to get up every morning and decide to make the best of every situation I'm put in. I can either decide to be miserable or happy. Either way life is going to keep trucking on, so I might as well smack a big fat smile on my face!