November 16, 2010

It Took Me 6 Days to Write This

This post will be a little hard for me to write. Well, not necessarily to write, but to click that Publish Post button on the bottom. I've had so much on my plate lately and all of these things I've been trying to sort through in my mind. They haven't necessarily gotten better per say, but I'm coming to terms with everything. I'm not putting all of this out there to get sympathy.. I don't do well with sympathy really... I just want to be honest with my blog and not just write about the "unicorns and glitter stuff". I don't usually write about the bad stuff.. who wants to look back and remember the bad? Not I! But this is all big stuff and a real part of my life that I'll remember anyways..

I had a pretty hard time after Andrew was born. I wouldn't necessarily classify it as Post Partum depression, I think it was just coincidental that life decided to throw up on me at that point. After a couple weeks of feeling out of control of my emotions, sad and overwhelmed like I've never felt before, I decided to bring it up to my doctor at my 6-week checkup. She agreed with me that I have a tad bit of depression after talking for a while and we decided to start me on a prescription for Welbutrin. At first, I was ashamed. I've always been able to brush things off my shoulders and look at the bright side. I would definitely say that I am a glass half full kind of girl. But those hormones after pregnancy are no joke. I think too many people try to ignore symptoms of depression, but if more people would just talk about it, maybe it wouldn't be such a hard thing for women to admit. It's better to realize you have a problem before it gets out of control and you start having thoughts about harming yourself or your baby. It doesn't have to get to that point. So, on with my point... on top of those crazy hormones:

He looks how I have been feeling!
I was feeling homesick like never before. I was dealing with being away from family before Andrew came along. Sure, I missed home and got down about it from time to time, but now I have a son. My parents and Trey's parents have a grandson and it makes me incredibly sad that they are missing out on all of his little milestones. I have a very real sense of guilt. I know that is irrational. Nobody makes me feel guilty, I do it to myself. I feel like I'm taking a special time in life away from my mom. The thought of Andrew only seeing extended family a few times a year (if Trey decides to make a career out of the Army) tears me up. I need to get these feelings under control and I feel like time *and medicine* is helping. The whole "bloom where you are planted" thing is starting to really sink in with me. Sure, I would LOVE to be around our family and friends all the time, but I can't waste life away wishing for something that isn't possible for now. I'm going to make the best out of the situation we are in and appreciate the opportunities we wouldn't have had otherwise!
I second, triple, and quadruple guessed myself about sharing this, but again, I'm sure we're not the only ones going through it in this economy! We came to the realization that we have to let go of our house in SC. We've had renters in it since we left, but 1) the county raised our taxes by an ungodly amount because it is an investment property now. That starts in January and there is NO WAY we can afford the increase. 2) The renters helped with the situation of course, but they decided they wanted out last month. So, we're barely holding on. We couldn't rent the house for as much as it will be going up anyways. Best case scenario - it will sell in the next 2 months. We dropped the price drastically, so we'll see. Second best - the bank will approve a short sale which we're in the process of going for. That won't hurt our credit quite so badly as a foreclosure would. Hopefully, it won't get to that point! This was all very hard for me to come to terms with. It's embarrassing, ya know!? I know, though that it's not something we could control. We'll do whatever we have to do and move on from there. Safe to say that we won't be buying a home again until we are done with the Army and can settle somewhere!

Not a happy camper!

Remember this post and this one? About my Uncle Ronnie who had a scary time with seizures? He ended up being put on seizure medication for what was supposed to be 6 months. Well a couple months ago he had another seizure. While on medication. Not supposed to happen! He went in for more tests and to make a very long story very short... turns out he had a tumor on his brain. He had surgery last week and they were able to remove 95% of it. It is stage 3 cancer, but the doctor seems to be pretty optimistic about his survival chances. He will be starting 6 weeks of chemo and radiation soon, every day except weekends and holidays. I've been a praying fool for this man lately and I truly believe in my heart that everything will end up okay, he has a lot more life to live! It's been such a scary time and I wish more than anything that I could be in Massachusetts with my family.. it's been hard and scary for me. I can't even imagine what they are going through. I'm very thankful that I have such a tight knit and positive thinking family that will make the best out of any situation they are put it. I know they are all helping each other through it.

I know I am putting all of our dirty laundry out there for all to read, and I feel slightly crazy for doing so. But I wanted to be real. If anyone of you may be going through the any of the same things and feelings, I wanted you to see that you're not alone. If you are dealing with depression, it CAN get better. Take some time to invest in yourself. Talk to a doctor. Make a stronger effort to focus on the things you have in life to be thankful for. It helps and there are ALWAYS things you can feel blessed about. You may have to dig deep and start with small things, but the positive thinking will come easier to you, I promise!
I'm completely aware that I sound like an After-School Special. Sorry about that.
Remember to smile!


Michelle A'etonu said...

thanks for sharing all of this jessica! you're a strong woman and I appreciate your honesty, because yes, it is hard to put out the bad stuff. it isn't always peas and carrots ya know! i'm happy that you're able to stay positive amidst it all. and things can only get better!

Expat Girl said...

I had no idea any of this was going on and I completely admire your honesty. Everything in life happens for a reason and hopefully those beautiful baby smiles can keep you going on the tougher days.

Steph said...

I'm glad you are feeling better about things. Everything will work out for you. Try to stay positive! I'll send good vibes your way.

Just Ask Beth said...

you are experiencing the circle of life my sweet friend.. It is hard, never easy but it is the way the way we handle things that make it tolerable and for the most point pleasurable! You are doing a great job with your son, with being away from friends and family and most i,portantly with being a wife and mother... and grown-up! XOXOX God is your shoulder always!

C. E. Welch said...

I don't know if your doc talked to you about this, but as military dependents, we can get free counseling, 1 appointment a month for 12 months (per issue, whatever that means).

I've been considering this for a while now to help with my stress management. I have a tendency to completely shut down when my stress levels rise.

I have a lot of friends with all kinds of mental issues. You can always talk to me, about anything! It takes a lot to offend me or gross me out, and trust me, I've heard just about everything.

My great uncle had a fatal brain tumor when I was a little kid. I barely remember him, and actually remember his viewing more than him alive. I'm glad your Uncle's surgery went well.

meghan e. said...

You sound like a very strong woman. And yes, sometimes things suck, and yes sometimes we have to remember the suck. Just the way it goes right? Also, I have no idea what your situation is, but if you bought the house before your husband joined the military you should qualify for Servicemember Civil Relief Act, in which case you will have more time to try for a sale/short sale without foreclosure. I know because I am unfortunately dealing with the same thing. And yes, like you, I am a bit embarassed about the situation. You aren't alone.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Its amazing how life is not like rainbows and butterflies...

My last post that we found out my husband has cancer took me ALL day to write. I debated on putting it all out there.

This is life.

Thank you for sharing

Lisa said...

Man, when it rains, it pours, doesn't it?

Thank you for sharing everything with us. I really appreciate your honesty, and I hope that the post was cathartic for you.

No matter how low the lows get, there are highs just as high. So I know it's tough, but it will get better! Sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way!

Karren said...

*hugs* I really admire you for posting this. It's not easy to open up and let others know the bad stuff.

I'm glad you were able to get help with the depression before it got too bad. You shouldn't feel feel ashamed about it.. Your hormones are probably just messed up from being pregnant, and feeling homesick doesn't help much either.

Speaking of being homesick, I can totally relate. I have been feeling homesick and guilty that we had to move right after I found out I was pregnant. It breaks my heart that our families will miss so much of my son's first years of life.

Praying for you hun!

Radiant Readhead said...

I am glad you are taking the steps to getting better. I had to make the same decision a few weeks ago to see a therapist. i tried to ignore for the longest time the symptoms of depression and anxiety. I didn't want the same stigma you were afraid of. It takes a stronger person to acknowledge and ask for help than trying to deal with it on your own. you are in my thoughts, and i hope your house sells quick!!

hmb said...

Hope you get to feeling better! I've suffered from some minor anxiety/depression, too, and there is nothing worse than feeling alone. You're a strong chick for being able to write about it and put it out there!!

Anonymous said...

Oh honey -- I've been sick and am way behind on my blog reading. I'm sorry you're going through all of this, but I LOVE your attitude and your willingness to put it all out there. Kudos to you for talking to your doctor. I hope everything improves soon and just know that you have a ton of people thinking about you and praying for you. Love ya girlie :)