Just okay

I've been avoiding most conversation like the plague.. including blogging apparently.

I just don't really know what to say to people. I feel like I'm in this in between stage where I'm not devastated anymore, crying all day, but I'm also not my normal self yet/anymore either. People keep asking me how I'm doing and I don't know how to answer that. I don't want this to sound like I don't appreciate my friends checking in on me, because I very much do, but I don't know what to say other than, "Okay".

That's all I am.. just okay. I don't know what else to say about what happened or how I feel about it.. I've pretty much covered that and I feel like that's not what people want to hear.  But at the same time, it's all I think about. I don't know how to have normal conversations when all I can think about is our miscarriage or more specifically, what we had and now don't have. People are calling trying to have normal conversations because really, how much can one talk about this? I know mostly they are just wanting me to know that they are thinking of me, but don't want to bring this up, but I don't know how to talk about other things. My wit and sense of humor are gone for now and honestly, I'm having a hard time plugging in to others' lives.

I feel stuck in this blah existence where I have brief moments of laughter or optimism, but mostly am sad, scared of the future, mourning what could have been. Like life is just moving on around me and everyone is living normal lives (as they should) and I am stuck in time. In a time I don't want to be in.

But, I guess I'm okay just being okay right now. I don't want this to come across as me sounding bitter, because I'm not at all. This is just me being pretty honest. Sometimes I wish I was my normal self again, but really I just wish this never happened. But it did. It will always be with me and because of that, maybe I am changed. Or maybe I just need more time.

Dancing in the Rain

Maybe not quite dancing, but in the midst of the current storm that has been thrown our way, there have been people and circumstances that have made me smile. I've felt better today than I have in a little while, but tomorrow Trey has to go back to work. That makes me nervous and instead of focusing on my fears, I don't think it would hurt to focus on what's put those random smiles on my face over the past few days.

1. Andrew. Plain and simple. Everything about him. I've always thanked God for trusting us to raise such an awesome little man, but I have been even more so over the past few days. It's a big responsibility to put on an 18 month old, but he's been my saving grace. His random hugs and kisses when I need them most. His blooming (hilarious) personality. The way he now says, "uh oh" 100 times a day. His silly faces. Everything. I don't know what I'd do without him.

2. My husband. I know he's hurting just as much as I am, I'm sure. But he's done a damn good job of putting his feelings aside for a good chunk of this time to take care of me. To comfort and reassure me. To make me laugh. I'm blessed.

3. Love from friends. A hot meal, flowers, hugs, texts, kind words, emails, phone calls (even though I may not answer them or haven't returned them yet.. I'm sorry!) and even comments from you girls that I don't even really "know in real life". It's meant the world to me. Even if it may not seem like it's registered with me, I promise you it has. I may not respond to everyone of you right now, but it's been appreciated more than you know.

4. A new routine. We discovered a few weeks ago that Andrew LOVES Wheel of Fortune. I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier that he'd love it. Pointing out letters is his favorite pastime. Followed closely by things that spin and clapping. Put it all together and what do you get?

So, every night at 6:30 we sit down as a family and watch. It's the only show out there that he will sit and watch in it's entirety. He loves pointing out the letters and can now say a lot of them when they pop up. He gets the most excitement out of Es, Os, Ns and Ms. Can't forget about Ts and Is. He watches so intently and has so much fun with it all. And boy do we clap clap clap. I have to say. I get really excited for 630 to roll around!

5. Lastly, I have to recognize the simple effect of the sun shining down. The weather has been gorgeous and I can't help but smile to think about all of the new life that comes along with the start of Spring. The Easter season. Hope that Jesus gave us all. And just the plain old vitamin D. It's good for the soul.


I knew I couldn't escape real life. I knew Trey would have to go back to work eventually, and honestly, I'm VERY lucky he's been home as long as he has. He was supposed to be out in the field and I'm so thankful he was able to stay home with me. I think it's just the quietness I'm afraid of. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, but let's be real. Number one.. it needs to happen. Number two... it will only be anywhere near quiet during nap time. I'm sure a certain someone will keep me plenty occupied. The two of us will maybe dance a little tomorrow.

Plaguing Thoughts

I know I said I'm okay, and I am. But I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel good, even optimistic and accepting. Then a wave of grief rolls over me and knocks me down. It's crippling even.

Trey and I both realized tonight that this is going to be with us forever. No matter how short-lived it was, that will always be Baby 2. It hit him while he was bringing Andrew up for bed. He was wondering what #2 would have been like. Boy or girl? Look like Andrew or totally different? Be a little fire ball like him or more reserved.   Will we wonder years from now what he/she would have liked to study in school? What would #2 ended up doing with their life?

I was thinking more short term. Just the rest of this year. I have to call and cancel the appointment I had for the first Ultra Sound. When that date rolls around, how hard will that be for me? When June comes around will I be thinking about the fact that we'd be finding out the babies sex? We'd be finding out whether we'd be giving Andrew a baby brother or sister. Then the due date. Will I remember or will the date pass without me giving it a thought? If I do remember, will it hurt as much as it does at this minute or will it just be a passing thought?

I think I was in denial this morning. After a weekend of having a bit of false hope, I was honestly just relieved to finally know for sure. It was a relief to stop playing mind games with myself. But for some reason, I also thought  I was just going to move on. I'd be able to sip a cup of caffeinated coffee, maybe have a glass of wine this weekend, try again as soon as possible and life would just go back to normal.
And while that caffeine was great, I probably will have more than one glass over the weekend (even though it's probably not the smartest idea as I don't need anything else to ease the flow of emotions), and yes, we want to get pregnant again ASAP (the amount of anxiety I get thinking about if this happens again is for a post in and of itself), this has changed our lives forever I think. I know it will get easier... time will heal. But I also know that we'll carry this with us forever.
That seems like such a common sense thought, I'm sure. But it just occurred to us. And that's hard.

Loss

If you've been reading this little blog for the last few months, you know that I've had a case of baby fever. We knew we wanted another little one, but thought it would be best to wait until early summer to start trying. We quickly realized we couldn't wait. We were ready to grow our little family.

We got pregnant last month, and sadly, lost the baby this weekend.

I had a few symptoms that scared me and decided to go ahead into the ER Saturday morning. After 5 long hours, I was told that I had a "Threatened Miscarriage". Basically, when it's still too early on to do an US, the doctors can only go off of what your hormone level is, and it needs to be tested more than once. They need to know if it's going up or down. On Saturday, my hcg level was at a 16.5. I also had some bleeding around the cervix, but they couldn't be sure of anything at the moment. I was told to go home, rest as much as possible, and go back to the OB clinic 48 hours later to recheck the levels.

I was a mess. I didn't want to let go of all hope, but numbers don't lie, right? I spent the majority of the night and the next day in a pool of tears, because I knew what was happening. I knew what my body was doing.

It was confirmed this morning at OB sick call. My hormone levels were down to a 6 (which isn't even considered pregnant, btw) and while there is still bleeding, my cervix is now closed. Which means I've already lost the baby.

I know it was early (I was between 5 and 6 weeks), but it's a loss nonetheless. We were so excited. We knew when the baby would be due and the timing was perfect.. or so we thought. Trey will be deploying and we wanted to have the baby before he left. That won't be possible now, but throughout all of this we do still have faith that God's plan is at work here.

It's incredibly disappointing and my heart is completely shattered at the moment, but I do know that time will heal. I also know that God is lifting us up through this. We'll try again when it's best to do so and while I want to have faith that everything will work out, I'll be honest and say that I'm scared.

I'm blessed with one beautiful boy, who we're insanely lucky to have, but I don't feel at all that our family is complete. I want more. And it scares me to think that this could happen again. But one step at a time. Right now we'll enjoy our family of three and take some time to mourn what could have been.

Happy Happy Birthday To Me!

This is a birthday to go down in the books!

As tacky as this is going to sound, I am just filled with love right now. Even though my husband wasn't/isn't here to celebrate with me, he was able to call. And hearing how much he loves me in his voice and knowing how much he wants to be here.. kind of makes up for his actual lack of presence.

And my friends and family.. all I can say is that I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

My day started at 5:45am. Andrew was a little anxious to wish me a happy birthday and wanted to get the party started. So that's what we did! We had milk, ate breakfast (I made myself my favorite.. at the moment.. breakfast, Egg in a Hole) and played the morning away.

Then we met a group of my girlfriends for cupcakes at a new cupcake shop around here called, Dirty Mouth Cupcakes. Heaven. Plain and simple. The cupcakes are to die for and the owner is wonderful! Sweet, accommodating, and a great sense of humor.
I ordered two. A Red Velvet with Cream Cheese Buttercream frosting and the Celebration cupcake (it was my birthday afterall) which is Classic Vanilla Cake filled with Vanilla Buttercream topped with Vanilla Buttercream rimmed with confetti. I got two because:
1. I couldn't decide.
2. I knew I'd have to share with a certain someone.



The pics don't really do him justice. He was a mess.

 3. It's my birthday and I can.

It was such a fun morning filled with some pretty awesome girls (and silly kids).

I'm not really sure why these are all coming out so distorted!!



After cupcakes, me and two of the girls (and our children) went out for Mexican food. I know, I know. Lots of food, but it doesn't end there so bare with me. I never, ever turn down Taco Cabana! That went well. Great company of course, but I was a little worried about Andrew. We don't take him out to eat much anymore, but he did really well! Luckily, there were balloons, a guy singing, and pretty girls to look at!

He was READY for a nap when we got home. Put him down, came downstairs, and had a phone call about a delivery that was trying to find it's way to my house! I get real excited over deliveries! Love me some surprises. I thought for sure it was going to be from either my Husband or my Dad, but it wasn't! (and that's ok!)

My in-laws had these beautiful flowers sent to me! Daisies are my favorite, and you can never go wrong with yellow. I just thought that was the sweetest thing for them to think of me like that. And look at how cute that vase is! Definitely one of the highlights of my day :)

Later that night, my friend Ashley made dinner for me. She offered a few weeks back when she found out Trey wouldn't be home. She probably thought it was a simple little gesture. She most likely did NOT expect me to tear up at the thought! My mom ALWAYS, ever since I can remember, has made us our favorite dinners on our birthdays. Whatever we wanted.. she would make it for us. Even if it came along with a sigh and an eye-roll ;)
So when Ashley offered to do that for me, it really touched me. Gave me a little piece of home. Andrew and I went over tonight and ate her delicious Chicken Parm, Salad, and a Strawberry Shortcake type dessert. All so so very good! Sadly, I left my memory card at home so I wasn't able to take any pictures!

My night ended with a surprise phone call from Trey and a Skype session with my family!

Add in the 3.5 times I was serenaded with the Happy Birthday song from my niece, Addyson (so so sweet!), my friend Charla, my in-laws, and a line from my Dad, plus birthday cards in the mail, text messages galore, gifts from friends, and the time they all made for me in their own little ways?
Who needs Facebook for birthday love? Not this girl!

P.S.
Before Trey left he got me a Shark Mop (yes, I wanted an appliance for my birthday before anyone goes jumping down his throat) and a new Cricut Cartridge. I only mention this to express my love for the Shark. Who new mopping floors could be so satisfying???

Cuddles

I'm not sure what got into Andrew last week, but it was a tough few days around here (a different tough than all of the sickness, which is finally clearing up btw). The only thing I know to blame it on is teething. He was super whiny. Waking up before 5:30 every. single. morning. That alone is enough to make me want to commit myself. Needing to be around me constantly. Crying at every little thing.

YUCK.

Along with all that yuck though, my child turned into the cuddler I never had.

Random hugs throughout the day. Without exaggerating, around 20 unprompted hugs from my boy every day. Tackling me if I was on the floor to rest his head on my tummy or chest.

Best of all though? Was this...

He would nap for only about an hour every day. He'd wake up screaming like there was a murderer in his room, only to rest his head on my shoulder when I went to pick him up. So just about every day, we napped on the couch together after the real nap.

He hasn't slept in my arms since he was 3 months old! He was just never really into it.

While I'm now enjoying sleeping in later in the mornings.. and by that I mean between 6 and 6:15... and 2-3 hour naps, I do miss these cuddles! I have to say, there is just nothing quite like it!

P.S.
Tomorrow is my birthday... feel free to leave me some love. :) No shame here. It's a week-long celebration, so don't feel bad if you're late.

A New Friend

Andrew has a new friend and he's made for some fun times around here for the past few days.

They've played together quite often lately. He comes around and Andrew's face just lights up. His eyes pop, his mouth forms the surprised O, and his friend distracts him from whatever he's doing at the moment.

Mostly they play chase. Andrew chases him around, but has yet to catch him. He has a fast friend. It doesn't seem to matter to him though. He just giggles and giggles.

They are the best of friends.

His new friend....

...

IS A FLY.


We were outside a lot on Monday. The back door has been known to mysteriously lock on me while I'm on the wrong end of it, so I keep it open often if we're in the backyard. Well, this fly made itself in and has been annoying the living daylights out of me ever since.

I've tried to teach Andrew the phrase, "shoo fly", but to no avail. They are BFF's.

I better kill it off soon before he gets too attached.

{Bleepin'} TV shows these days

Quite a few weeks ago, Trey came home and told me he read an article about how there was going to be more profanity on our popular TV shows coming up soon. Serious ones at that. I kind of thought that I'd believe it when I heard it. Surely, they wouldn't be dropping the F-bomb on Modern Family (that's the show I heard specifically would be doing it). I prayed that show in particular wouldn't, it's high up on my favorite list and I swore I'd write off any show that started using even more foul language.

Low and behold, the next episode we watched, the big F word was used multiple times. It was better played than I thought, I will admit. It was bleeped out (I literally thought it would be said openly) and it was used in a hilarious (of course) and relatable context. The little girl, Lily, started saying it much to the parents dismay and embarrassment. I think most of us deal with that at some point and can laugh at it.
I haven't heard any more of that out of this show.

The Office is the one I'm starting to have a problem with. Every single episode lately they are having to bleep something out. Listen, I'm really no prude. Especially after I've had a glass of wine or two. But on sitcoms? What's the point? It adds absolutely ZERO content to the show. You can tell it's a stretch. There's no need to it. It's like they're just throwing it in for giggles.

Here's my problem -
I'm afraid the envelope is going to keep being pushed further and further. It starts with bleeped out cuss words - scratch that. It started a long time ago. Most of us think nothing anymore of shows like Two and a Half Men. But soon the bleeped out cuss words aren't going to phase us and all of a sudden it won't be bleeped.
Do y'all know the last time I went to the movie theater, they showed an actual penis on  the screen? Granted, it was The Hangover II (don't judge, date nights don't happen very frequently over here and there was not much to choose from). I know it was rated R, but seriously? I couldn't believe it. Since when is it okay to show that kind of stuff in the movie theater?? This wasn't the unrated version released to DVD!

Am I just getting old? Did becoming a mother do this to me? Or are more of you noticing all of this as well?

Either way - Come on Office! Get your act together. I don't want to have to stop watching you, but I will. You are quite funny without the use of a bleeped out "F%&* You".

~ 18 months ~

Andrewsky, you are 18 months old on the dot today! Where as usually I will make some comment about how time just flies and I can't believe how big you are, I don't feel like that at all this month!

I do marvel at how big you are. You look ginormous in your crib! But the time actually feels like it has crept by. It was a very long month. We were all sick. You are now on your third cold-type-thing just this month. And also had your third ever ear infection.  Yikes! It's very heart-breaking to see you so stuffed up and coughing all night. Not to mention exhausting, but it's (sort of) hard to be annoyed when you are so sickly and sad looking. Hopefully we see the end to all of this very soon!

A sickly Super Bowl

Stats
We don't have your official 18-month well baby visit until Friday, but we've had you weighed pretty frequently this month with all of these trips to the doctor! You are just over 24 pounds and you are 33 inches tall.
You're wearing size 24 month tops and PJs, 18-24 month pants, size 6 shoe and size 6 diaper.

Words
You still aren't really "talking", but I swear you are so close.
When we go to your appointment, I know they are going to make sure you say 6 words other than "mama" and "daddy". First of all, you never call me "mama". Supposedly, you say it constantly when I leave you with anyone, but I rarely get to hear it! So does that count?
Also, when I say you have 6 other words, I'd be using the word "words" very loosely! Does it count as a word if no one else can understand it? I mean.. I know what you are saying, but it's definitely not technically a word. So I don't really know how to answer that question.
Everyone can tell when you are saying "car", that's for sure. That's the only clear one. Ish. Oh, and how could I forget "NO". That ones pretty clear as well.
Words that only I can make out:
Dog (daww)
Outside (outawww)
Again (I don't even know how to type that. If it weren't for the context, even I would have no clue)
Cheese (chssss) That one is also used for Geeze
This (thsss) I really need to be better with actually naming items instead of asking you if you want this or this. Everything is "thsss"
Ta Da (da daaaa)
Boo (bbbbb)

Your signing is really picking up. You know:
More. All done. Crackers. Milk. You are very close to having Thank you and Hurt down. We're working on Please a lot, but you just laugh at me.
You can tell what's most important to him. Ahem.



Spaghetti Face


Food
I was getting a little worried about your eating habits earlier in the month. You were hardly eating and definitely not digging all the healthy stuff you've always loved. Here it is, I thought. What everyone told me would happen. The dreaded toddler-picky-eater-syndrome.
Turns out you had an ear infection and I didn't realize it. It was hurting you to swallow, poor thing!
No worries, everything is back on track.


Naps
Still one a day after lunch. It lasts anywhere from 2 to 3 hours. I think I'll leave this topic out now that you are down to one.

Firsts
You love to walk backwards and your kind of an expert. It's pretty darn cute.
You know all of your letters (and say some of them) and some of your numbers. Your favorite number is 3, for the record.
You can do all of the shapes in your shape sorter.
You'll play peek-a-boo by covering up your eyes. Before you would just kneel down behind something and then pop your little body up. So this is new and fun.
You are getting big into pretending lately. Especially with fake food (that's been going on for a while) but now you like to take a phone, hold it up to your ear, and pretend you are chatting away with someone.
You love playing with balls. And you have a pretty impressive arm on ya, kid. You can catch it pretty well too! Next Tom Brady? Nahh.. you'll be better :)
You LOVE your mama! I get an unending amount of random hugs and kisses from you every day and I can't even express to you how much I love it. I soak up every single one and I hope you never stop being affectionate with me like that! Wishful thinking, I'm sure!

You are very independent. Very much so. I have to figure out new tricks when taking you to the store. You don't want to ride in the cart anymore. You want to push it yourself. Snacks and cars rarely work now. Mostly, we just go at the crack of dawn (well, whenever the store opens) so it's not as busy and you can push the cart and walk around until your heart is content.
Taking you out to a restaurant? That doesn't happen anymore. Not for now. It's just not fun.

See ya later, mum. Of to play with rocks!

We love you sweet boy! Here's to a much healthier 19th month!

Life without Facebook

I've been Facebook-free for 2 days now and am doing better than I thought I would. Does it sound like I'm trying to get off the bottle? That's what it feels like!

It feels good to not have the need to check in with it all the time! It sounds so silly, I don't know why I felt like I needed to see what people had to say to me 23948628765 times a day?! I'm not sure why I cared so much. Either way, now it's just not here and I don't have to worry about it. Win. I did, however, gasp out loud when I realized I'd be Facebook-free on my birthday. How are all 300-something of my friends going to leave me Happy Birthday wishes??? Lame. I can't believe I thought that thought.

My house is in... mmm.. while I wouldn't say tiptop shape... it's not a cluttered mess that's stressing me out either. Not that it was ALL THE TIME. But ughhh sometimes I would sacrifice a load of laundry here and there if I got sucked in to browsing. I did 5 loads of laundry yesterday. 5. And they're all folded and put up. Okay okay.. there are a few towels left in the dryer, but vast improvement, I tell ya.

I'm enjoying the little moments with Andrew a lot more. We had a picnic the other day. Technically it was before I pulled the plug, but I was already planning on it so it still counts.

We babysat for a friend last night. It was good to find out how incredibly jealous Andrew will be with a someday new baby. Better to be prepared, right? Also good to know that he will enjoy reliving his babyhood through baby equipment we'll have to bring back out.

Very serious about watching King of the Hill in comfort. Both of them. He freaked every time Trey stopped rocking him. Not lying.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who got/is so caught up in Facebook. Feel free to let me know how addicted you are so I feel a little less like a loser.



40 days!!

I can't believe what I'm getting ready to type up.

I'm giving up Facebook for Lent. Legitimately. Like deactivating my account for 40 days. I know it's really easy to get on and reactivate it with the click or two of a button, but I won't do it. It's going to be pathetically hard for me.

It's not even that I'm a practicing Catholic. Well, a Catholic at all for that matter. But now's as good a time as ever, right? Part of my NY resolution was to cut WAY back on my time on the addictive website. I was going to get on once a day. I failed miserably. Right from the start. I honestly don't know if I even made it a day.

So now I'm just going to go cold turkey. It can't be a bad thing. More time doing quality activities with Andrew. More time focusing on Trey (he is over the moon happy that I am doing this). More time in prayer and maybe finally starting that book I've been wanting to get around to, Calm My Anxious Heart (and do the actual Bible Study if my notebook ever comes in). More time getting stuff done that I WANT to get done. It's not like I sat in front of the computer for hours as it is, but it was up for the majority of the day. So I could always glance at it. I know Andrew knows that my attention wasn't fully on him when I was stalking FB. That's not really fair. I wonder what he would say about that if he could talk...

I'm pulling the plug on it tonight. My mom might cry because she won't see 1000 pictures of Andrew. My biggest fans might be screaming, "nooooo" right now because they won't be able to read the little thoughts that go through my head throughout the day. Don't worry, I'll be back in 40 days. My hope is that I won't be quite as into it when this is all over with.

This is going to sound so very egocentric to me, but I know some of my family only reads this little blog of mine when I post a link to it on FB. If you still want to see what my little family is up to, or see pictures of Andrew from time to time, you can always click "follow" on the sidebar to the right and keep up with us that way.
I'll also need a favor from my El Paso friends! Please tell me when all of these little events come up (you all know the ones I like to go to) so I'm still in the know! Ha! I don't know how to live without FB.. I'm telling you. It's so sad.

I hope that my good friends will keep me in mind when they are posting exciting news or an adorable picture of their kid to FB, and cater to me by also sending it to my cellie!

Looking up

I don't have much to write about... things have been pretty boring around here with us all trying to get in better health. I have been enjoying the downtime, but I'm beyond antsy to get out there to our normal activities as well.

While Trey and I are both feeling much, much better, Andrew got it pretty bad again. I took him back to the doctor yesterday afternoon and it turns out he does have an ear infection. Does anyone know when that starts to become a problem. When do tubes start coming up in conversation? His doctor was perplexed as to why the Urgent Care doctor only put him on an antibiotic for only 5 days. She said that is probably why his symptoms came back. So while I didn't even want to put him on the weak antibiotic, now he's having to take a much stronger one. As long as it clears all of this up, I'm okay with it!

Here's to hopefully being on the mend!

Happy Valentines Day!! While we don't celebrate too much around our household - I'm really just not a fan of the holiday.. it's my least favorite - I do like to see how much everyone else loves it. I love seeing everyone confessing their love for one another. It really puts a smile on my face to see my friends being surprised with flowers, candy, and the like. So, even though I'm not a huge fan, I'm not a bitter betty about the day.
Besides, I got the best news yesterday that I will consider my Valentine present. Hubs was supposed to be in the field next week and it got canceled. Yay for an unexpected week together :)

Andrew is a fan apparently -





Happy Valentines Day Ladies!!!

Fighting Bears

While perusing through my favorite blogs this morning, I came across a saying that while I've heard it many times, has never sunk in the way it did for me right now.

You can fight a bear for a little while.

I have just been in this funk for a little while now and I can't seem to shake it. I'm sure it's the combination of things:
This sickness that has been going on with all of us for a little over a week now, but feels more like a month. It's just been your typical winter cough and congestion, but goodness, that takes it's toll. Especially when you have a little one that doesn't seem to care that he can't breath, he just wants to play play play. I literally broke down and cried this morning because (Lord, I'm tearing up again.. what is wrong with me??) I want nothing more than to run around at the park with him, but I just can't do it. I completely lack the energy and break out in a coughing fit from walking from one room to the other. I REALLY wish I had his grandparents right down the street that could just pick him up and take him out to play. It's the little things...

We also have so many changes coming up and I am starting to think more and more that I'm letting the thought of them all get to me. I think we'll handle everything just fine, some of them will be harder than the others, but we'll get through. And probably stronger and happier than we are now. It's just the thought of everything. The waiting and thinking. I worry too much. While I love to have a plan, sometimes I think life would be so much easier for me if everything was just thrown at me at the last minute. No time to worry. In all honesty, I need to be praying more. I shouldn't be worrying. I need to learn to better give my worries to God. It really could be so easy... if I just did it along with writing about it. Let Him be the planner. His plans are perfect.. mine usually? Not so much.

But, I can fight a bear for a little while, right? None of this is permanent. We are all going to get over this crud. In fact, it's going to keep getting warmer and warmer outside and staying light later. We'll be able to get outside a lot more. While Andrew may be bored to tears, he won't remember this. And really, if he's not feeling good, he needs the down time too, like it or not.
And all of those changes, they are going to come. Like I said, we'll get through them. Not all of them are bad, maybe just scary at the time being. God knows what our future looks like and while I don't want to say that He won't give us anything we can't handle, I do know that if I trust in Him and turn to Him, I can handle anything with Him.

In the meantime, look at this handsome face I get to look at all day:

With all of that cuteness, nothing can be TOO bad, right?

A little lost today

I like to leave personal information off of my blog when it involves others, but I'm just going to throw this out there today and not name names.

It's a natural thing for some relationships to fall to the wayside when someone moves away. Once you leave, I've learned, it's never really "home" again (home is such a vague term these days) and only the people whom you were closest to will continue to be a significant part of your life. It takes work and effort to keep in touch, only a select few will do so.
And, most of the time, that's okay. It's a natural part of life and usually there are no hard feelings involved, it just happens. You realize some people are more of acquaintances than real friends and life moves on.

But what happens when the people who aren't making an effort are an irreplaceable part of your life? People you want and need in your life? People who are so important to you, but slowly you start admitting to yourself that things have clearly been one-sided. You rarely, if ever get phone calls from them. If you get a text or email, it's a chain email.. you know.. sent to 15 others as well. Nothing personal. No "hey.. just checking in. How are you handling life? How's Andrew? Oh, do you want to hear about our big news for the week? Let me fill you in on things going on with me."
And when you do call them, because you will always try, no matter what, it sounds to you like they could take or leave your phone call. There's always something more important going on.

It's exhausting and heart-breaking, these (what feels like) one-sided relationships. It makes you feel kind of worthless. Unimportant.

I'm going to turn off commenting on this post. I'm not really looking for answers.. I don't think there are any. I know most of you will say that, eventually, you just stop trying. That's not an option for me.
I just had to get this out there. I've been burdened with it for a while now and it's really starting to take it's toll on me. I guess I just had to see if typing it out would help me gather my thoughts.

And maybe someone out there reading it will realize how I'm feeling. Because I'm indirect and non-confrontational like that. Big fault of mine, I know. Really I'm afraid of hurting feelings and am more worried about that than how I've been feeling.

Psychiatrist needed, ya think?

Summin' up the Weekend

It wasn't the worst weekend I've ever had, but let's just say it wasn't one for the books either. Well, apparently it was since well.. it's going in "the book".  Moving on -

I'm loving my new-to-me Swagger Wagon. Could not be any happier with it. Other than the fact that there is already a chip in the windshield - easy enough to have fixed - and the side doors won't close by themselves once you start them anymore. After what? 2 days. I think I pressed the wrong button and turned that function off or something. I may just take it up to the dealership.

On to more thrilling subjects:

I decided to go ahead and give Drewsky the antibiotic. I like to avoid them when at all possible, but it was such a low dose and only necessary for 5 days. Today is the last day in fact. Plus, if that mess he had turned into something worse (ear infection) and I could have prevented it, but didn't.. I would have felt terrible. So, tomorrow I'll try and schedule a follow-up with "his doctor" whoever that may be this time and make sure everything looks good. Besides a cough and being a little more irritable than normal, he seems to be fine.

Probably because the little angel passed IT on to me. And I must say - if he felt anything like I felt yesterday, he handled it better than I did! Yuck. My skin hurt to touch and I was pretty much confined to the bed. Luckily, that part is gone and today I just can't breath. Here's to all of this passing quickly.

We were routing pretty hard for The Patriots around here on Sunday. Super Bowl Fail.

It was heart-breaking, but they didn't deserve to win that game. Silly mistakes that they don't usually make. It would have been pretty cool to be a double championship household this year, though. Remember - Alabama is my husband's Patriots.
I thanked the stars above that he had the day after Super Bowl off to take care of me. What? The Day After Super Bowl isn't a national holiday? Oh. According to his unit it is. He won't be watching it from our comfy living room next year, so I guess it's well deserved :) The least the Patriots could have done was won the thing!

So, that was our exciting, fun-filled weekend. Nursing sicknesses and hearts. There's always next weekend, right? Let's place bets on whether or not Trey will be ill for that one.

My sick baby (advice wanted)

What a day yesterday ended up being!

Andrew went down for a nap like it was any old day, woke up, and felt a little hot to me. Not enough to stick the thermometer in the forbidden land, but enough to where I touched his forehead, cheeks and neck every 15 minutes or so, probably irritating him even further. His nose was a little runny, but besides the fever, that was the only symptom he had.

About an hour later, it was time for the thermometer. His whole little body was on fire. 103.2 - color me panicked. Called Tele-nurse, they had me take him to urgent care, and the chaos and incompetence ensues. It was just pretty obvious that I wasn't at a Pediatric clinic.. that was for sure. I won't even get into everything that infuriated me there, because after very minimal sleep I don't have the patience to type all that out, and it just not being the point of this post, I'll spare those fun details.

Basically, we left there with the genius advice of - we have no idea what's wrong with him. His throat is a little red, and it's clear by the almost 104 degree temperature that his body is fighting something, but we don't know what. Here's a script for an antibiotic. That should kill whatever it is.

Seriously?

It was late when we left, and his temperature had fallen a little bit, so I planned to either get it filled this morning, or make an appt with his Ped to double check everything.

Silly me for thinking we were in the clear. We spent almost all night up and my poor baby was miserable. His temp got back up to 103.8 around 2:30am. We tried to drink water, made a makeshift bed in the living room, and watched Cars.

He finally did go back to bed and woke up this morning in a pool of sweat. His fever finally broke! He ate his breakfast and is now playing with trucks and stacking his blocks. Yay!

Now, here's my dilemma for any nurse types out there reading this -
Give the antibiotic or just let it go? I tried to get him seen by the Pediatric office today to double check, but nothing is available. I hate to give him the meds if this is just a little viral cold. But I also don't want to see him go back to where he was last night, or worse, develop another ear infection.

Thoughts?