November 20, 2012

Doubts

I'm sure this is normal... I think at least. Who knows what's normal anymore. But I'm having HUGE, like big fat huge doubts about going back home for this deployment. I was so sure of this decision. I knew I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure anymore.

First and foremost, I can't help but feel I'm leaving my friends when they need me most. We're all going through this together and I'm just over here all, "peace out!!". I should be with them. We need each other. I know I'm replaceable.. I know there are others here, I'm not leaving anyone on their own. But I want to be here with them. I want to be here for play dates, to be a shoulder to cry on, to celebrate countdowns, to have dinner with when they don't want to eat alone for one.more.night, you get the point. I hope I can do well at being supportive from afar!

I don't know if it was the smartest move to give up our house. This is our space and we're comfortable here. Andrew's stuff was all in it's place. I can walk around without a bra on if I want. (and I want). We do as we please.. it's home. I feel like this part of the deployment would have been much easier had we not decided to move me home. Obviously.

A few months ago, I was dying for a break from living on an Army post. I was sick of pulling my ID out everywhere we went. I was tired of driving so slow that I could walk faster, and if I saw ONE MORE TINY BIT OF CAMO....
Now, I'm clinging to any little bit of it. Maybe that would have been a nice little reminder while he is gone. Maybe some familiarity would have done me good. I'll miss all of the "welcome home" signs, yellow ribbons and day-to-day ceremonies out on the parade field.

But, I don't know... I think maybe my mind is just clinging on to anything it can. At this point, I just have to trust that I'm doing the right thing. I'll be glad to have family around when I'm going into labor that's for sure! And for just day to day life. I know I'll be thankful for them. It'll be cheaper, that's for sure, and I feel like I'm contributing to our family by being able to pay down debt and build a hefty savings account.  But, I also sort of feel like I'm not being as supportive to Trey as I could be by going home. But I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there.

That's about all I have at this point. I'm surprised I was able to semi-decently put some real thoughts down in all reality.

We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. There I feel better already.....


6 comments:

Charla Welch said...

From the month and a half that I have in, I can tell you that J worries about me. He knows I have a habit of hiding in my shell and not doing anything social. It helps him to know that my friends are getting me out and doing things with me.

I know Trey will worry about you and the kids, but it will also be comforting for him to know that you have so much family right there to help you. Family can help in ways that friends can't, especially with kiddos.

I'm looking forward to you moving to Sill before we get there so I'll already have a friend waiting for me!

Jen said...

You always have to do what's best for you and your family. You know what that is. :) I think your decision to go home is a good one.

The Reay Family said...

We have done both- moved home and stayed behind. Staying in my own home was much easier for me ,but going home during the first deployment was the best decision at that moment. I too felt like only my friends back on post understood what I was going through specially after an enjury. The second time I had 3 kids, lived in Bliss and felt I needed to be on my own.
You are making the right choice. As you approach the time for his departure your mind will be filled with doubts. When you made this decision your mind was more clear and you thought of everything in detail. Just know that your friends can still be a support to you and you to them even from afar. Don't you love Skype!?
I used to Skype with my friends whenever they had a get together.

Mel said...

I didn't realize you had to give up your house in order to head home for the deployment. I think with Drew and the new baby you'll have your hands full. Being around your parents and family back home will make that easier and even though it seems to make sense to band together with the ladies going through the same, you''re doing what's right for your family. Don't lose sight of that.

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