November 11, 2012

What Would Have Been

I've sat here looking at a blank screen for about 5 minutes. First trying to think of a title, then figuring out how to start. So maybe this won't be the most poetic or well written out post, but I do want to talk about how I feel on this day.

Today would have been our due date with the baby we lost back in March. It's been on my mind for the last week or so, but today, it's all I can think about. It's there constantly, no matter what I'm doing. Instead of packing up our house, making breakfast for my boys, playing with Andrew, etc. what WOULD I have been doing? Would I already have him/her? Maybe I'd be in labor. Or doing everything I could be to get it out!! Holy crap, I can't imagine the chaos that we are living right now that is packing up our house and getting Trey ready to leave with birthing a baby or caring for a newborn thrown into the mix. It would have been fine obviously. But this leads me to my main point...

Yes, this is here with me. Especially today. I'm carrying it around with me front and center today and I have a lot of what-ifs, but I have to say -
For the most part, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. God is with me today, as He is everyday, but today.. woah..
I can see what He's done for us today.
I have this ever-growing, pain in my ribs reminder that God loves me.

I don't think I ever mentioned it when we became pregnant with this one, but I have to admit that my first thought was not one of joy. We had just decided we were going to stop trying until after the deployment. The miscarriage and the thought of birthing while Daddy was away was just too much. I so desperately wanted a baby, but we both decided we could wait. We needed a break from it all and I was in a good place about that. I was thinking about all the free time I would have with Andrew... all that time I could focus on him and only him. Me and my little man.. we would get through the deployment together. And the time I would have to myself!! I was okay with this. Yes, let's wait!

Until the next week or so.. I knew... I knew I would get a positive. And instead of running to Trey with joy, I showed him the stick and set it on the counter. We laughed at ourselves for quite a while. Of course that would happen. We had time to process this and our feelings went from disbelief to fright. It didn't take me long to get excited over the life we had started and now I was scared that we'd lose this one as well.

Obviously, everything has gone very well and we have one healthy baby boy growing more and more everyday. And OF COURSE God allowed me to become pregnant, even when I didn't want it anymore. He knew I needed this. I can't imagine how I would feel today if I weren't 27 weeks pregnant. I can't even begin to think that way or put any possible feelings into words. But I don't have to, that's the beautiful thing.

All I can do is thank Him. And feel an overwhelming sense of the love He has for me. Know that He knew what I wanted/needed even when I didn't. Yes, friends, I'm filled with thanks today!

5 comments:

Charla Welch said...

*hugs*

Jen said...

Hugs friend! I know how you are feeling...tomorrow would have been one of our angel babies 3rd birthday.

Kristy said...

Hugs and prayers for you and your family, my friend.

Mel said...

I was at a baby shower yesterday and a young woman told me this {very true} story. I thought it would be fitting to share with you given your current emotions:

"A good friend of mine struggled to conceive for a few years. The one time she got pregnant, she miscarried at 3 months. She has since been blessed with a daughter, who is now three. The other day, the three of us (me, my friend and her daughter) were sitting at the table crafting and her daughter raised her head from her paper. 'Momma, did you know I was here once before?' We both stopped and looked at her. 'What do you mean?' 'I was in your belly before, but got told me it wasn't time yet, so I went back. But now I'm here and I'm glad I am.' We both sat there stunned. My friend has never, ever discussed her miscarriage with her daughter, or even in her presence. We both got teary when we realized that to the toddler, this was a natural, normal thing and timing is up to God."

This is a real story. The person who told me is a trusted source and she witnessed this personally. I guess the point of the story is that maybe, just maybe, a miscarriage isn't a loss at all, but a greater plan divinely laid out by God.

Consider yourself hugged today!

Steph said...

After something like that happens, it really does make you count your blessings. I count mine several times a day when I look into Aubri's eyes. She really is an angel.