I don't usually get the urge to write on the weekend, but there is something peaceful and perfect about this morning and my fingers were itching to get to typing. There's nothing specific I want to talk about, I sometimes just get that urge. You know, right? I know I'm not the only one...
I'm surprised that I'm feeling this good this morning. All signs point to a crappy attitude. I should be a miserable wretch.
I'm so sick of never hearing from Trey. I guess I shouldn't say never, but no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for this, I guess deep down, I still thought we'd be able to talk more. I hear from him, on average, twice a week. I never know when. I send email after email that is never responded to. Because when he does have the time to send a quick message or make a very quick call, there's not time. It's rushed and we're both in a frenzy to get as much in as we can. I feel like it's never a quality conversation. He's so busy.. so so busy.. so I don't hold it against him. He's working 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. He's been sick since he's gotten there and is just now starting to feel better. So I know. I know it's hard for him and I know there are extenuating circumstances right now - that I really hope clear up fast! So I still hold out hope. I hope that once their big issue resolves itself that we can talk more. But this ish is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. Because there's nothing that can prepare you for not being able to call your best friend to talk about all of life's little or big moments when you used to be able to call whenever you wanted. I all too often find myself picking up the phone, wanting to call him, then realizing there's nothing I can do about it. I just wait for my phone to ding with an email alert or ring with some strange unknown number. And nothing can prepare you for the worry that settles into your heart, for me, around day 2 of not hearing from him. Because while you know everything is probably okay and he is most likely perfectly safe, WHY HAVEN'T YOU HEARD FROM HIM?
So - that's taking a toll on me, for sure. I know a lot of my friends can relate at the moment! One day at a time, right? And that reunion gets closer and closer day by day... no matter how far away it seems right now.
Sheww... I didn't think that would be so long winded. I really just meant to type up a few sentences.
Also, I'm constantly in a state of exhaustion. I spend the day thinking I'll go to sleep as soon as Andrew does. But he goes down and insomnia hits. I finally fall asleep somewhere between 11 and midnight, which is very late for me.. and wake up roughly 3 times a night.. never being able to just fall right back asleep.
Then, Andrew woke up at 7 instead of 8. So I lost another hour.
And you already know how uncomfortable I am, so I don't need to go on about that. I'm sure you can imagine.
I don't mean to make this into a complain-fest. All that to say, for some unknown reason, I feel good this morning. I'm relaxed. And dare I say... happy?
Yes, Andrew woke up early, but we used that time to snuggle in bed and watch cartoons. By snuggle I mean he was a wiggly mess and I get a few seconds here and there of cuddling, but it was still good.
Now we're in the living room and everyone else is still asleep. I have my coffee and Andrew is playing with trains, pick-up trucks and police cars. It just seemed like the perfect time to write. Something about that first cup of coffee and a quiet morning. It screamed WRITE IN YOUR BLOG to me.
I don't have anything at all planned for us today. I've been on the go too much for the past two days, so today we'll just rest. And play. And watch the Patriots. Happy Sunday everyone!
4 comments:
I hate that unknown and just waiting for a phone call or email. It blows. Big time. I hope he gets better soon and hopefully work lightens up so he can call you more. (I say these exact things to Steve too. Some weeks are better than others. But hopefully things really will settle down for him soon.) You're in my thoughts and prayers!!
It's been 3 1/2 months and I still have to stop and remind myself sometimes that I cannot send J a text about something funny. I can say, keep sending those emails. While J's situation is so very different and we are lucky to get to talk more often, there are times when he just doesn't have the time and/or energy to write me back, but he said getting the emails from me is motivation to keep going each day. So keep sending those emails, and know that he sees them, even if he doesn't have time to respond. It's your little reminder that you are thinking of him each day.
I'm sure you've heard this by now (and it probably won't help today, or even tomorrow, but it will help at some point!) This is normal. Your feelings are normal. Some days will feel great and other will feel completely awful. It's normal to worry, to be mad you can't talk (even when you know it's not his fault), and to cry.
I don't know what it's like to go through this with a toddler and being preggo, but I do know that the core is the same: lean on those around you, love on yourself whenever possible, and just appreciate those rare moments you do get on Skype.
Or kick and scream and have a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes that is the only solution.
I'm so bad, I hadn't heard from SoldierMan within the usual timeframe, so I thought, okay, must be a blackout, but then I subconsciously started calculating from the time the blackout may have started to now, to make sure enough time had passed that if I was going to be notified of something, I'd already missed that deadline and that meant it wasn't us, it was someone else...I didn't even realize what I was doing at first. And then I find out someone else stationed hear him had communicated with home, so it wasn't a blackout, he was just busy, which made me feel a lot better. Strange the ways we find to cope. Generally I don't *worry,* or at least I didn't think I did. This was sort of a wake up call to me to stop being a drama queen and have faith :) It's a challenge, though.
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