June 28, 2012

I'm Coming Home

I've always believed that your home is where your heart is. What if you heart is headed overseas? Are you then homeless?

Trey and I finally made the final decision that I'll be heading home when he deploys. Let's face it, I'm going to need the help. I'll be 8-9 months pregnant when he leaves. I know I could do it on my own if I had to, but that's just it, I don't have to. While my friends here are wonderful and have always been more than I would have asked for myself, nothing compares to living with/around both sides of our family. The biggest factor was when Trey really opened up to me. He's not so great about expressing his feelings, so when he told me how much he wanted me to go back... that it would make him worry about us so much less... what choice did I really have?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the choice that we've made. I really am.. it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. But I hate the circumstances. There is so much I could get excited about. All of that time with family. Andrew and new baby (NB) getting quality time spent getting to know family in a way they wouldn't be able to otherwise. Andrew and NB spending all of that time with their two cousins back home. Holidays with family without having to jump on a place with 2 kids. My in-laws go to Hilton Head every Easter together and have always wanted us to come. I can do that this year. Making up time lost with friends back home and seeing how their families have grown. All great, wonderful, exciting things.
But how will I fit in? Will that feel like home without my husband? Will I feel guilty enjoying myself with our families and friends while he is off in a war zone? Will anyone understand and empathize with what we're going through?

While I know we are making the best out of a crappy situation and I'm confident that this is the right decision for us, my heart is still breaking. This will be our first deployment. I know I have a lot to learn. I guess I just don't really know what to expect. But then, first deployment or fifth, I guess there's no real way to prepare for this, right?

Everything is becoming so real. With NTC LITERALLY right around the corner, which takes a good month of the time we have left together away, I feel like our time is dwindling too fast. Plus, I'm pregnant and hormones are in swing LIKE WHOA. This is how I deal with thoughts and feelings... I'll need to write it all out (and talk about it incessantly.. sorry close friends!) to process stuff. Naturally, with this all being such a huge part of our lives, I'm sure this topic will come up quite frequently. Just a warning!


Jenn said...

Totally sounds like y'all are doing what's best for your family. I hope it takes away a bit of the sting of deployment. Praying for you!!!

Emily said...

I love you Jess and I will do what I can while you're at home to make things as easy as possible!! Mwaahh!!!

Emily :)

Expat Girl said...

I would totally go home especially with a new baby, no one understands what you are going through but surrounding yourself with family is the best decision it makes it less lonely

Mel said...

With a toddler running around and being super-preggo, I think this is a good decision. I always told Al that being pregnant during a deployment would mean I moved back to MN.

Good for you! Hugs and kisses.

Steph said...

Deployments suck no matter how you slice it. It sounds like Trey will be happier if you go home. So, there will be absolutely no reason to feel guilty for having a good time.

And the help from your family with the baby will be nice. I can't even imagine what I would have done without my family's help and I don't have a toddler running around.

How's the pregnancy going? Any updates?

JG said...

I'm sure your family will LOVE having Andrew and NB running around next year! Have you decided on a timeline yet? We'll sure miss you!

Jen said...

You have to do what's best for your family and it sounds like going home to family is it. You will not regret that choice! :)

One Day at a Time said...

I will be there for you and try to understand as much as I can :) no one else will truly be able to understand, but we are here...just let us know what you need :)