February 16, 2011

Let go and let God

That was one of my Grandmother's favorite sayings, I believe, and it's one that really stuck with me. Along with something about there only being one cook in the kitchen and "a watched pot never boils".

But, anywhooo...

For the past few weeks, I've tried to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's who I am.. a worry wart! It's just what I do. I like to take the world and try to mold it in my hands just so. There are times when I fully believe that I can take any situation and make it go the exact way I want it to, even if the odds are stacked against me. I'll make it work. Sometimes with words and actions, and sometimes by sheer will. While oftentimes I am successful, I am sure that this is the main cause for the crick in my neck 99.9% of the time. It's hard to need all of that control!

Two situations that have been sitting right there on the tippy top of my shoulders: Andrew's medical issues and that ugly D word (deployment.. that will be the only time I say it!)

The whole thing with Andrew.. I HAVE to let go. I hate this saying, but "it is what it is". God made him a certain way. I'm not at all convinced that what the doctor said is the actual case, but if it is, what can I do about it? You were all right, there is plenty of technology out there and doctors know what they are doing (most of them). If it can't be fixed.. there is a reason for it. God doesn't screw up. Repeat over and over... and over. He doesn't make mistakes. We'll be fine!

D word.. ahh.. D word, D word, D word.
We all know it eventually comes up. We can't avoid it forever. Of course DH and I have to make it more difficult than necessary. I've already done a post on this before, but to refresh the memory, he is debating going over to another unit to go sooner. I'm all for it. In fact, I'm hoping for it. Of course, once we've discussed it to absolutely no end and have both come to the conclusion that we both want him to go ahead and go and my hopes are up.. it's starting to look like he'll have to wait.
Sound crazy, do I? Listen, he's going sooner or later. Either this year or next. Let's just get this show on the road and get it over with! Of course, I've had our family map planned out since we got married. I knew exactly when I wanted to have kids and how many and what sex I wanted them to be. (see my control issues here?? Hey.. I wanted a boy first and look what I got!) If he goes sooner.. he'll come home and will be exactly in the time line of when I wanted the second child. If he goes late.. shooo.. that throws me all of! So far, his BN doesn't sound like they will let him go. You mean his BC doesn't care that it doesn't coincide with my family plan??? I kid. I need to learn to be okay with this. The Army certainly isn't going to consult me every time they want to take my husband away, as much as I think they should :)
God has a better life plan than I do. As hard as that is for me to grasp and agree with.. I know it's true. If he doesn't go sooner, there is a darn good reason for it. And I'm pretty sure the Big Man will let me know when it's time to have another child.

I'm ridiculous. I'm letting go. I'm very positive that I'll have to re-read this post a million times and chant that phrase over and over again... maybe one day it will sink it.


JG said...

I read a saying yesterday: guilt lives in the past, anxiety lives in the future, peace lives in the present. I'm the same way, worrying and trying to plan the future. It's hard to keep from doing it, but it sounds like you are on the road to letting go. :)

Cam and Kristy said...

Love the post and hope that you will remember to chant the mantra every day. Eventually prayers for patience and understanding will be answered! Hang in there, Kiddo!

hmb said...

I'm with you...I'm very much a rip-the-bandaid-off-quick kind of person. Waiting around for months when you know its coming is unbearable!!

Feel better :)

Anonymous said...

I ment to post this on your older post, but my sisters best friend is blind in her left eye. It's never bothered her. She learned to adjust and is now a mother to a beautiful little girl!
(Not to mention all the medical advances they have now! They could even fix it!!)
It is what is is, and God will take care of you guys.
And I've also learned to just let go of me trying to control things.
You can't control the Military. You just have to follow them!
Keeping Andrew and you guys in my prayers!