Loss

If you've been reading this little blog for the last few months, you know that I've had a case of baby fever. We knew we wanted another little one, but thought it would be best to wait until early summer to start trying. We quickly realized we couldn't wait. We were ready to grow our little family.

We got pregnant last month, and sadly, lost the baby this weekend.

I had a few symptoms that scared me and decided to go ahead into the ER Saturday morning. After 5 long hours, I was told that I had a "Threatened Miscarriage". Basically, when it's still too early on to do an US, the doctors can only go off of what your hormone level is, and it needs to be tested more than once. They need to know if it's going up or down. On Saturday, my hcg level was at a 16.5. I also had some bleeding around the cervix, but they couldn't be sure of anything at the moment. I was told to go home, rest as much as possible, and go back to the OB clinic 48 hours later to recheck the levels.

I was a mess. I didn't want to let go of all hope, but numbers don't lie, right? I spent the majority of the night and the next day in a pool of tears, because I knew what was happening. I knew what my body was doing.

It was confirmed this morning at OB sick call. My hormone levels were down to a 6 (which isn't even considered pregnant, btw) and while there is still bleeding, my cervix is now closed. Which means I've already lost the baby.

I know it was early (I was between 5 and 6 weeks), but it's a loss nonetheless. We were so excited. We knew when the baby would be due and the timing was perfect.. or so we thought. Trey will be deploying and we wanted to have the baby before he left. That won't be possible now, but throughout all of this we do still have faith that God's plan is at work here.

It's incredibly disappointing and my heart is completely shattered at the moment, but I do know that time will heal. I also know that God is lifting us up through this. We'll try again when it's best to do so and while I want to have faith that everything will work out, I'll be honest and say that I'm scared.

I'm blessed with one beautiful boy, who we're insanely lucky to have, but I don't feel at all that our family is complete. I want more. And it scares me to think that this could happen again. But one step at a time. Right now we'll enjoy our family of three and take some time to mourn what could have been.