I've been avoiding most conversation like the plague.. including blogging apparently.
I just don't really know what to say to people. I feel like I'm in this in between stage where I'm not devastated anymore, crying all day, but I'm also not my normal self yet/anymore either. People keep asking me how I'm doing and I don't know how to answer that. I don't want this to sound like I don't appreciate my friends checking in on me, because I very much do, but I don't know what to say other than, "Okay".
That's all I am.. just okay. I don't know what else to say about what happened or how I feel about it.. I've pretty much covered that and I feel like that's not what people want to hear. But at the same time, it's all I think about. I don't know how to have normal conversations when all I can think about is our miscarriage or more specifically, what we had and now don't have. People are calling trying to have normal conversations because really, how much can one talk about this? I know mostly they are just wanting me to know that they are thinking of me, but don't want to bring this up, but I don't know how to talk about other things. My wit and sense of humor are gone for now and honestly, I'm having a hard time plugging in to others' lives.
I feel stuck in this blah existence where I have brief moments of laughter or optimism, but mostly am sad, scared of the future, mourning what could have been. Like life is just moving on around me and everyone is living normal lives (as they should) and I am stuck in time. In a time I don't want to be in.
But, I guess I'm okay just being okay right now. I don't want this to come across as me sounding bitter, because I'm not at all. This is just me being pretty honest. Sometimes I wish I was my normal self again, but really I just wish this never happened. But it did. It will always be with me and because of that, maybe I am changed. Or maybe I just need more time.