March 20, 2012

Just okay

I've been avoiding most conversation like the plague.. including blogging apparently.

I just don't really know what to say to people. I feel like I'm in this in between stage where I'm not devastated anymore, crying all day, but I'm also not my normal self yet/anymore either. People keep asking me how I'm doing and I don't know how to answer that. I don't want this to sound like I don't appreciate my friends checking in on me, because I very much do, but I don't know what to say other than, "Okay".

That's all I am.. just okay. I don't know what else to say about what happened or how I feel about it.. I've pretty much covered that and I feel like that's not what people want to hear.  But at the same time, it's all I think about. I don't know how to have normal conversations when all I can think about is our miscarriage or more specifically, what we had and now don't have. People are calling trying to have normal conversations because really, how much can one talk about this? I know mostly they are just wanting me to know that they are thinking of me, but don't want to bring this up, but I don't know how to talk about other things. My wit and sense of humor are gone for now and honestly, I'm having a hard time plugging in to others' lives.

I feel stuck in this blah existence where I have brief moments of laughter or optimism, but mostly am sad, scared of the future, mourning what could have been. Like life is just moving on around me and everyone is living normal lives (as they should) and I am stuck in time. In a time I don't want to be in.

But, I guess I'm okay just being okay right now. I don't want this to come across as me sounding bitter, because I'm not at all. This is just me being pretty honest. Sometimes I wish I was my normal self again, but really I just wish this never happened. But it did. It will always be with me and because of that, maybe I am changed. Or maybe I just need more time.


Steph said...

It sucks. It's okay to be hurt, sad, confused, mad, or anything else you want to be.

I'll continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.

It will get easier/better.

Mel said...

I think you will be changed and eventually that change will be for the better in the sense of gained strength in yourself and in your relationship with Trey and Andrew. In the meantime, heal in your own process and on your own time. We'll all be here when you need us.

XO, Mel

Expat Girl said...

I'm reaching out and giving you cyber hugs huni, just keep going every day and keep enjoying every second with Drew xxx

Jenn said...

I've been thinking about you, checking in on your blog to see if you've posted, and praying that things are starting to get easier. I wish I could mail you some FUDGE! It always seems to help (temporarily at least, or until you run out). But I haven't figured out how to mail refrigerated packages yet. Stupid post office and their regulations...

I'm praying for you!!!

Heather Robin said...

How you are feeling right now, brings back so many memories for me. Sometimes it's easier to just say you're ok cause no one is really going to feel comfortable hearing how you really feel - cause there is nothing they can do - it hurts and it's going to hurt for as long as it takes. Think feel and cry as much as you need to... there is no right or wrong way to do grief :) It never goes away, but it becomes a softer duller ache, like an old war wound- I know its probably hard to imagine it will ever ease, things are so raw for you right now - but it will- I promise :) - Elijah's Mum (b.10 sept 2001- d. 10 Sept 2001)

Charla Welch said...

You are going through the natural grieving process. It's never easy. And I believe most of us will take "OK" as an acceptable answer when we ask how you are. As long as you don't say "worse," I won't worry too much. Take your time and heal.