March 12, 2012

Loss

If you've been reading this little blog for the last few months, you know that I've had a case of baby fever. We knew we wanted another little one, but thought it would be best to wait until early summer to start trying. We quickly realized we couldn't wait. We were ready to grow our little family.

We got pregnant last month, and sadly, lost the baby this weekend.

I had a few symptoms that scared me and decided to go ahead into the ER Saturday morning. After 5 long hours, I was told that I had a "Threatened Miscarriage". Basically, when it's still too early on to do an US, the doctors can only go off of what your hormone level is, and it needs to be tested more than once. They need to know if it's going up or down. On Saturday, my hcg level was at a 16.5. I also had some bleeding around the cervix, but they couldn't be sure of anything at the moment. I was told to go home, rest as much as possible, and go back to the OB clinic 48 hours later to recheck the levels.

I was a mess. I didn't want to let go of all hope, but numbers don't lie, right? I spent the majority of the night and the next day in a pool of tears, because I knew what was happening. I knew what my body was doing.

It was confirmed this morning at OB sick call. My hormone levels were down to a 6 (which isn't even considered pregnant, btw) and while there is still bleeding, my cervix is now closed. Which means I've already lost the baby.

I know it was early (I was between 5 and 6 weeks), but it's a loss nonetheless. We were so excited. We knew when the baby would be due and the timing was perfect.. or so we thought. Trey will be deploying and we wanted to have the baby before he left. That won't be possible now, but throughout all of this we do still have faith that God's plan is at work here.

It's incredibly disappointing and my heart is completely shattered at the moment, but I do know that time will heal. I also know that God is lifting us up through this. We'll try again when it's best to do so and while I want to have faith that everything will work out, I'll be honest and say that I'm scared.

I'm blessed with one beautiful boy, who we're insanely lucky to have, but I don't feel at all that our family is complete. I want more. And it scares me to think that this could happen again. But one step at a time. Right now we'll enjoy our family of three and take some time to mourn what could have been.

15 comments:

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I'm so so sorry. I know how hard this is.

Kaycee said...

I know what your going through. My first pregnancy was a loss at 7 weeks. Definitely a hard time and so many thoughts run through your head. You will heal and be able to look forward! You'll never forget what happened but you'll be blessed in so many other ways. Prayers headed your way!

Amber said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how far along you are it is still a tremendous loss. Allow yourself to grieve, please don't ever feel the need to say "we were only *so far* along".

Expat Girl said...

Oh my gosh Jessica I am so so sorry, I am thinking of you and wishing we could all hug you right now. xxx

Jen said...

I am so so sorry! If you need to talk please feel free to message me. It is a loss no matter how far along. I was told that my first miscarriage at 6wks and my third at 5wks was not a real loss (BIG LIE). Hang in there and know we are all thinking of you! I am here if you need anything! Hugs!!!!

hmb said...

I'm so very sorry, Jessica! Thinking of you/your family

Mel said...

I am constantly hugging you in my mind. I'm also working on teleportation so I can hug you in person, but that is a little more difficult. :o) Either way, I love you.

Lisa said...

My heart breaks for you! I am so sorry!

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, girl. :( Praying for y'all during this difficult time.

amanda joy said...

I wish so badly that we still lived a few miles apart so I could drive over and give you a huge hug. My heart is breaking for you right now, but you are one of the strongest women that I have ever met. You and Trey are constantly in my prayers and if you EVER need someone to talk to, my number is still the same. Jordan and I miss you guys tons and love you both so much.
~Amanda

Karren said...

:( I'm so sorry hun. Praying for your little family.

Karren said...

:( I'm so sorry hun. Praying for your little family.

Steph said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is. It's not the end though. I got pregnant right after my miscarriage. I will keep you, your family, and your angel in my thoughts.

Brittany Jaccaud said...

I had this exact problem happen between my two sons and I know the feeling. My doctors were not so helpful either. Because I was between 5 and 6 weeks they told me... don't worry about it, most women have these all the time and never realize it, they just think they were late. I was devastated... It took me a couple of months to recoup and low and behold I was pregnant again. Your pain and your struggles are yours alone and you will deal with it. Nothing can be said to fix it but one small twinge I always held onto was that there was some reason it happened. A baby that wasn't healthy, my body not ready, or what ever god's will. It helped me sleep a little more at night!

Erin said...

I am so sorry for your loss!