I know I said I'm okay, and I am. But I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel good, even optimistic and accepting. Then a wave of grief rolls over me and knocks me down. It's crippling even.
Trey and I both realized tonight that this is going to be with us forever. No matter how short-lived it was, that will always be Baby 2. It hit him while he was bringing Andrew up for bed. He was wondering what #2 would have been like. Boy or girl? Look like Andrew or totally different? Be a little fire ball like him or more reserved. Will we wonder years from now what he/she would have liked to study in school? What would #2 ended up doing with their life?
I was thinking more short term. Just the rest of this year. I have to call and cancel the appointment I had for the first Ultra Sound. When that date rolls around, how hard will that be for me? When June comes around will I be thinking about the fact that we'd be finding out the babies sex? We'd be finding out whether we'd be giving Andrew a baby brother or sister. Then the due date. Will I remember or will the date pass without me giving it a thought? If I do remember, will it hurt as much as it does at this minute or will it just be a passing thought?
I think I was in denial this morning. After a weekend of having a bit of false hope, I was honestly just relieved to finally know for sure. It was a relief to stop playing mind games with myself. But for some reason, I also thought I was just going to move on. I'd be able to sip a cup of caffeinated coffee, maybe have a glass of wine this weekend, try again as soon as possible and life would just go back to normal.
And while that caffeine was great, I probably will have more than one glass over the weekend (even though it's probably not the smartest idea as I don't need anything else to ease the flow of emotions), and yes, we want to get pregnant again ASAP (the amount of anxiety I get thinking about if this happens again is for a post in and of itself), this has changed our lives forever I think. I know it will get easier... time will heal. But I also know that we'll carry this with us forever.
That seems like such a common sense thought, I'm sure. But it just occurred to us. And that's hard.