March 13, 2012

Plaguing Thoughts

I know I said I'm okay, and I am. But I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel good, even optimistic and accepting. Then a wave of grief rolls over me and knocks me down. It's crippling even.

Trey and I both realized tonight that this is going to be with us forever. No matter how short-lived it was, that will always be Baby 2. It hit him while he was bringing Andrew up for bed. He was wondering what #2 would have been like. Boy or girl? Look like Andrew or totally different? Be a little fire ball like him or more reserved.   Will we wonder years from now what he/she would have liked to study in school? What would #2 ended up doing with their life?

I was thinking more short term. Just the rest of this year. I have to call and cancel the appointment I had for the first Ultra Sound. When that date rolls around, how hard will that be for me? When June comes around will I be thinking about the fact that we'd be finding out the babies sex? We'd be finding out whether we'd be giving Andrew a baby brother or sister. Then the due date. Will I remember or will the date pass without me giving it a thought? If I do remember, will it hurt as much as it does at this minute or will it just be a passing thought?

I think I was in denial this morning. After a weekend of having a bit of false hope, I was honestly just relieved to finally know for sure. It was a relief to stop playing mind games with myself. But for some reason, I also thought  I was just going to move on. I'd be able to sip a cup of caffeinated coffee, maybe have a glass of wine this weekend, try again as soon as possible and life would just go back to normal.
And while that caffeine was great, I probably will have more than one glass over the weekend (even though it's probably not the smartest idea as I don't need anything else to ease the flow of emotions), and yes, we want to get pregnant again ASAP (the amount of anxiety I get thinking about if this happens again is for a post in and of itself), this has changed our lives forever I think. I know it will get easier... time will heal. But I also know that we'll carry this with us forever.
That seems like such a common sense thought, I'm sure. But it just occurred to us. And that's hard.


Mel said...

Could the fact that you will carry this forever be a positive thing? Perhaps you could make a small craft memento in memory of Baby #2. An angel.

Perhaps it's too early to think of it that way. But the memory of this baby lasting forever doesn't have to be a burden. At least not forever.

Amber said...

My mother's first child was a still born. Then, she had my brother, and then me. After me, she had a miscarriage.

Mom only saw a glimpse of my sister, but Dad actually got to hold her. When I was born, they handed me to my Dad and Mom said he gasped. Apparently, I looked just like my sister. Mom was convinced that I was born first, and then God decided that I needed a big brother, so decided I should wait. And that is what has comforted her most her life.

I'm terrified that I'm going to go through this experience myself, and so I admire you for posting to the public that you did. I'm very sorry this unfortunate thing has happened to you, and if you need anything, I'll try my best to help.

One Day at a Time said...

((hug)) that thought went through my head too, from seeing friends go through it. Yes, it will always be with you. You will most likely always have these thoughts, especially when due date rolls around. My heart breaks for you...this was supposed to be perfect.
I know I've told you about this site before, but really, go check this out: it might be of some comfort to you, to talk with women who have been there, in your exact same shoes.
You don't have to be actively trying to conceive again for them to welcome you with open arms...