No I'm not crying.. just have something in my eye

Ever since this song has come out, it has had a huge hold over me. It came out quite a few years ago, and still to this day can reduce me to sobbing tears. True story... it happened in the car this past weekend. Not just a little tear here or there. I'm talking the whole frog in the throat, can't sing along because I'm that worked up.

I truly feel like it could have been made -word for word- for my mum, dad and I. You see, I wasn't exactly a planned pregnancy. My mum was 19 when she found out I was coming and my parents were just dating. I can't even imagine what they went through or how they felt. My mum has told me a few stories and I know it wasn't easy. However hard it was for them, I'm so proud to see the relationship we all have together now. Sadly, it's not often that families stay together and I love seeing how much in love my parents still are :)

So yeah, from the man thinking his whole life is over, to the little girl with the blond curly hair and the blue eyes obviously having a larger than life affection for her daddy and that feeling being quite mutual, to the end when the "little girl" drives out west without her family. It's pretty much my life. Though I have to add... my dad would have never given me his credit card...and probably never would.

~35 Weeks~

How far along: 35 Weeks and 3 days. Comeeee on Aug. 29th!

Total weight gain: I refuse to disclose this information from here on out. I've already gained what I wanted to gain for the whole pregnancy.. okay okay.. fine... which is 30lbs. I still have 4 and 1/2 ish weeks to go.

Maternity clothes: I feel like I'll be in them forever.

Stretch marks: No change since last time. Still lots on the front of my belly. They may have gotten a little darker, but no extra popping up.

Sleep: This is getting bad. Lots of tossing and turning (which is an Olympic even in and of itself). Lots of bathroom breaks. By the time I wake up, I'm very sore and ready for a nap on the couch.

Best moment this week: No matter how miserable I am, I'm still able to see the silver lining so there have been a couple.

1. Trey reading a Sesame Street book to him last night. I can't stress enough how amazing of a daddy he is going to be. He had different voices for every character... it was hysterical. He does a great Cookie Monster and Count Dracula.

2. The past two mornings spent in the pool. Completely weightless... amazing.

3. Buying a gallon of OJ that expires on my due date :)

Movement: It's so so cool. I think that's the only thing I will miss. I usually can't tell what's what, but to feel him stretching out and rolling around.. it's the coolest thing ever. Especially when he's bunched up I guess? and he's just about poking out of my stomach. He also gets lots of hiccups.. usually twice a day :(

Food cravings: HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. I'm eating us out of house and home. I'm still keeping up good with lots of fruits and decently with the veggies.. but echhh... I'm really enjoying the ice cream, chips, and cookies too. It's sooooo bad!! Hence the weight gain!

Showing:

I never did take a bare belly pic this week so this will have to do :)

Temperament: I've honestly felt really depressed lately. I feel like I'm having a hard time looking forward to things or having a positive outlook. When hubs got home the other night, I was sitting on the couch crying because I couldn't get any of the burners on the stove to light. I was starving! It's not a pretty time for me. Really hoping this goes away.

Weekly Wisdom:

I got nothing. Feel free to leave some for me!

We're just sitting around waiting at this point. We just a few more things... the only dire things being a breast pump which I've put off for way too long now and some other nursing stuff. I still have to pack my bag... I'm definitely a last minute kinda girl (aka procrastinator). I have my next appointment next Thursday where we'll find out if we will be scheduling a C-section or not. I'm pretty sure he still hasn't turned, but I now he still could at any moment.

Good friends are like stars...

... you may not always see them, but you always know they're there!

Around this time, about 8 years ago, I met a group of people that would forever have a huge impact on my life. Not only did I meet my future husband, but also the people that would be my BEST friends to this day.

I worked at CVS (mainly in the photo department) starting in high school and for the next couple of years afterwards. I LOVED it. I had so much fun developing pictures and always getting the first look at new products that came out. I've always sworn that if I was ever hard up for a part time job again or just for the heck of it... I'd go right back. But mostly I really enjoyed the people I worked with. One of them being a close friend that actually lives here in El Paso with me, but that's besides the point.


I worked with an older women named Linda who I got pretty close with at the time. I would go over to her house occasionally. She had three sons and two of them were around my age. One night she invited me over for a little party.. one of her sons was having a few of his friends over and she thought I'd have a good time with them.


So that's the night that I met my husband. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I was beyond three sheets to the wind (hey.. I was in college.. what do you expect) when he and Brandon showed up. Uggghhh... I can't believe I'm putting this out there, but the first time he saw me, I was dribbling water out of my mouth thinking I was HILARIOUS because I was acting like I was drooling. I tell on myself only to show you that he really does love me. If you can look at a girl in that state and say, "now that is the girl I want to marry", than you know it's true love! Maybe not love at first sight.. we didn't officially start dating or even showing any REAL interest in each other until October, but a deep friendship definitely sparked.


Anywho.. throughout the next couple of weeks I started hanging out with this group of people more and more. Trey, Brandon, Matt (those three had been bff's since 9th grade), Chris, Julianne, Tiffany, Wendy, LK, Jeff, Matt G. We started doing everything together. And by everything I usually just mean hanging out together, drinking too much, movie nights, concerts, pool parties, beach trips.. just having a good time. Trey and I started dating that October. Chris and Julianne started dating a little while after that I think. Some people kind of weeded themselves out and some people were added in.

After a while, Brandon started dating Emily and Matt started dating Ashleigh. They were both immediately just a part of our little group and the good times just kept on rolling. Ohhh man how I wish I had some old pictures saved on my computer that I could upload.. then again.. maybe that's not such a bad thing!


We grew up together over the next few years. Trey and Chris moved in together along with two other guys. We were all like a little family, spending every single weekend together, all weekend. I can't even express how much fun we had together.

Fast forward a few years later and we're all finishing up with school and get big people jobs. Chris and Julianne are engaged and moving into their own place. Brandon, Emily, and I moved in with Trey. Chris and Julianne get married, a little bit of time goes by... Trey proposes to me... Brandon and Emily get engaged (while I'm sitting in the next room over!) and before you know it we're all growing up.


I'm sitting here looking at us all now and how close we all still are. Some of the people I mentioned above, I'm no longer in touch with. I grew out of some of them, but I'm very thankful for having them introduce me to my best friends.

It blows my mind to look back on pictures and to see us in college, where life was nothing but a party. Since then, we've grown up together and have gotten to the next stages in life.
Chris and Julianne are married and have a 9 month old precious son.
Brandon and Emily are married and have a 4 month old beautiful daughter.
Trey and I are married and are about to have a little gift of our own.
Matt and Ashleigh are married and just celebrated their 2 year anniversary!
What are the chances!?


We've all moved on separately with our lives but still have that connection and bond that has kept us together all of these years. I remember endless talks with Julianne about how we'd have our families and our kids would be best friends. It makes me a little sad to think about that now, when Trey and I are so far away and not knowing what the future will hold for us. But I now that even if it's not exactly the way we planned for it to be, I know that I'll still be "together" even though distance may keep us apart. We'll still be Bffs at 85 years old, celebrating life's victories and being there for each other through life's disappointments. I couldn't ask for more!

I'm a lucky, lucky girl!

*I know I usually don't use friends names on here, but I'm hoping that they'll be too sentimental and too busy reminiscing to care ;) *

Dear El Paso Residents,

It's about time I got a few things off my chest!

1. Last time I checked, I still live in America. Learn English.

2. After you've learned our language, please start working on American customs.
Common courtesy for one. Here's just a few things to keep in mind:

You know when you're driving through a parking lot and you see huge arrows painted in certain lanes. They are there for a reason.. not some sort of tacky decor. You're supposed to drive up or down certain aisles. The arrows are you're friend. They tell you which direction to go. If we could all just follow the arrows, we could all get out a little easier and you would prevent me from cussing you out and throwing my arms up in the air at you... please No.. I'm not dancing.. I'm PISSED.
Now... follow me in the store, will you... No one ENJOYS grocery shopping. We don't go there to socialize. We'd like to get in and out asap. That being said, please don't park your carts in the middle of the aisle to chat with your bff. Get out of the way.. PLease. Checking out is also not the time to chat with the cashier. I'm sure you've never met in your entire life. What could you possibly be talking about for so long? (as in.. your groceries are bought and paid for. Now she's scanning mine and I'd like to put them in my cart... PLEase)
And if you have a buggy full of crap, you're not allowed to go in the 20 items or less lane... PLEAse!!

3. Your car has a blinker on it. It's used for turning. Also used for merging. Oh, you don't know what merging means? I've noticed. Look before you switch lanes... PLEASE.

I guess that maybe I've been spoiled living in the south for the past 14 years. Or maybe I was just raised with great manners... but it's just as simple as thinking of other people. Being a considerate person. I like my life to consist of social rules that are followed by all, smiles and waves when you're passing another person, and yes ma'ams and no sirs.
I've come into your city and have embraced the Swamp Cooler, learned to accept a yard full of rocks instead of nice, plush grass, have gotten over the fact that you don't believe in having mail boxes in front of houses, and am branching out and tasting scary Mexican food and have even quite enjoyed it (not that it compares to San Jose.. just sayin'). I'm not asking much in return, am I?

Thanks for listening and let's get along a little better for these next few years, 'K?

Friends

I am not sure what is going on with me this week! Please excuse the whole "woe is me" thing I have going on. And all you mamas out there.. please please please tell me that this is something normal you go through towards the end of your pregnancy? Please tell me that I'm not a basket case.
This post may be all over the place, so I apologize in advance, but that's just the way my brain is working nowadays.

I've been incredibly down in the dumps this week. It's not like me WHAT-SO-EVER. I'm usually the positive thinking, looking at the bright side of everything kind o' girl. So, what's with me now?

I miss my girlfriends. This is to say nothing negative at all about anyone I've met here, but you know, I miss those girls that I've known for years and years now. The girls that know me inside and out and I them. I feel alone without them.

I know that Trey and I are in a slight huge transition phase right now. I realize our lives have already drastically changed and are about to do so even more. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for this. We had endless chats about it.. about our lives becoming more family orientated. I know having a child doesn't mean the death of your social life, but right now, that's exactly how I feel. I caught myself wondering this morning, if we were back home, would I be having these same feelings? I doubt it. I'd have our group of friends we've had for the past 8 years who are all in the same stages as we are. I'd still be a working woman.. which I never thought I'd miss. Ahhh.. how I'd love to be sitting in that mortgage office right now, surrounded by amazing, witty adults and not trapped in this house, looking for reasons to get out and depending on the far and few between social outings. But then again, I think you always want what you can't have. If I were sitting there, 8 months pregnant in my old life, I'm pretty sure I'd be wishing I could be a SAHM and would not have been able to afford it.. at least I would have the choice...

I'm rambling now and I'm sorry! When I type all of these thoughts out, they really don't seem so bad and I probably sound very ungrateful. I don't mean to at all. We're incredibly blessed to be where we are now, expecting our first child in just a few short weeks.. trust me.. I'm thankful every day! I guess to sum it all up... I'm just feeling down and a girl needs her friends!

I will end on a more positive note though. As I was crying to Trey about all of this, this morning... I'm pretty sure God was listening very intently. My phone all of a sudden was blowing up with text messages from Emily, one of said friends wanting to chat about SYTYCD (my fav subject) and baby issues, Melissa - My SIL, and Jessica - one of the best friends I made in the past year. Pretty sure He was letting me know that I'm not alone. And that I'm VERY blessed to have so many friends and family that will not get out of my life no matter how much time and distance tries to separate us!

So here's to getting out and meeting Jennifer, my home away from home buddy this afternoon for some girl time, to having two days to spend with my husband who puts up with constant rambling like this from me all the time.. with a smile on his face and loves me anyways (at least y'all can click away and choose not to read!), and hopefully a night to sneak away with new friends for a game night!

Again.. please tell me I'm normal!

The One Where I Got Real and Poured My Heart Out a Bit

Insecurity... should be my middle name!

I've heard about this book from every angle in my life over the past couple of months - Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity: you've been a bad friend to us. Looking back, I'm pretty sure God was shoving this book in my face, pleading with me to read it. From as many places as I heard about it, to walking into the library here and seeing it front and center on the shelf staring at me. The first time I saw it, I picked it up and set it right back down. I didn't have the energy to deal with that, I said. I wanted to read something light-hearted and fun. Plus, I don't do well with "self help" books. I get bored with them easily and have never, ever finished one that I've picked up. But, when I saw it staring at me yet again today I picked it up again, determined to walk out of the library with it. I've always enjoyed Beth Moore's sass anyways, so how bad could it be, right?

It took me a LONG time to even admit to myself that I am an insecure person. If you know me in real life, you might even be saying to yourself.. no way.. Jessica.. no way she is insecure. I do a very good job at faking it ladies. Or at least I think I do. I also know there are a few people that I know see right through me, but honestly, it's something I struggle with every single day and something I consciously try to cover up quite a bit.

*Now, don't get me wrong... I wouldn't consider myself to be a fake person by any means. I wouldn't want anyone to get that impression. For the most part, what you see is really what you get. I do love to have a good time. I do care deeply. I do love to laugh. But I am VERY insecure at the same time.
*I do worry, quite a good bit, about what other people think of me in all kinds of situations and I'm ready to change that. It's exhausting and I wish I could just be confident in my own skin.

I feel like Mrs. Moore and I are very similar in our insecurities. In the 2nd chapter, she asks some of these questions.. questions that made her realize her own insecurities. I feel like I filled in her answers myself:
Do I cry easily? YESSSS. She did say no. That was the only place where we differed.
Do I avoid the spotlight in social situations? Heck No! Which is where I think I would come off as a secure person. I thrive being the center of attention (in certain.. most.. situations)
Here's where it really hit home though...
Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong? Oh wow.. do I ever. It's even possible that I feel very certain in my mind that I've done nothing wrong. Give it some time.. as in a few minutes to an hour.. it'll get very far under my skin if the other party thinks that I'm wrong.. in enters serious self doubt inside myself. I'll go to no ends to make sure everything is alright.
If someone is angry at me, do I have a hard time not thinking about it? I obsess. It's not pretty.
Do I sometimes feel anxious for no apparent reason? More than I let on.
Does it hurt my feelings when I learn that someone doesn't like me? It devastates me.

Another big thing that she has brought up twice so far that really hits home, is part of the definition of insecurity... " a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate". I do this to myself ALL. THE. TIME. I can't think of any sure examples right now, but I do question myself and the way I feel about things constantly.

I'm really going to be working on these things. It's not healthy and it's not the way God made us to be. I could be completely missing out on something that He wants me to be doing in my life right now because my insecurities are getting in the way. So, I guess my main point in sharing all of this, is 1. maybe someone out there reading this can totally relate.. if so and you want to do something about it.. get this book. 2. I want to be more open and honest about this. I'm not saying I'm going to blog about this topic any certain amount of time a week or anything, but expect more posts. I'll blog about it when something has really struck me while reading.

I'm not expecting this book to be a miracle cure. I'm going to read it and really let it sink in. Hopefully, it will spark something in me to make some changes.

I know a few of you out there have read this lately. Did any of you finish it? What did you think? Did it make a big difference in your life?

*See, I did it right there. Explaining myself way too much, for fear of what people reading this will think of me.

The Best of Times

I finished this book a little over a week ago, but am just now getting around to posting about it.

GREAT book!! Like I mentioned earlier, I've never heard of this author and usually don't grab books randomly. The library closest to me has slim pickins though and with all the books that I'm dying to read on hold, I had to go for something. The cover caught my attention and I was pulled in just from the first line of the inside cover...

"In a matter of seconds, absolutely everything can change..."

It's set in London and is about a group of *at first* separate characters whose lives all intertwine when there is a horrible wreck on the M4 (a highway). When a tractor trailer causes this massive pileup, the stories of the survivors that are waiting for help unfold.

You have a husband that is in the car with his mistress. He shouldn't have even been on that highway according to the story he told his wife.. never mind in the car with a young, attractive woman. A groom and his best man that were trying to get to the church on time... big story as to why he was running so late in the first place. A widow on the way to reunite with a long lost love from 60 years ago... with whom she's written back and forth with throughout all of these years. The driver of the tractor trailer who tortures himself with trying to remember how the wreck was caused in the first place and trying to figure out who his mysterious hitch hiker was that has suddenly disappeared.

There are many more characters intertwined in the book whose lives all get mixed up in the fate of this horrible afternoon. I've said this before, but I LOVE a story that shows many different and at first separate characters that come together and you learn just how much throughout the book. It was a tad bit vulgar at times, but nothing that would shock you. I really couldn't put it down!

After that I read The Looking Glass by Richard Paul Evans. I usually really enjoy his books, but this one.. mmm.. not so much. I finished it, but could have done without.

Off to the library today to find something new and pay some late fines! I better read all the books now while I can!

~33 Weeks~

How Far Along: 33 Weeks and 1 Day

Total Weight Gain: Ohh man.. we're creeping up there.. total of 24 pounds now. I was hoping to stay under 30 lbs, but with 7ish weeks left, that doesn't seem realistic!

Maternity Clothes: of course. Can still wear some normal shirts though.. I did for the 4th. I can't wear my own t-shirts anymore. Have to wear the hubby's to bed!

Stretch Marks: Big time unfortunately. Luckily, they are still semi light. They are right smack dab in the front of my belly. Belly button still hasn't popped. I'm starting to think it won't?

Sleep: Listen, I get it when I can. It doesn't necessarily come when it's supposed to. I'm pretty sure I'll be taking a nap as soon as this is done!

Best moment this week: Ehhh... those are honestly getting hard to come by. I'm loving that when he moves or kicks I can see everything. Hubs got to see a good one last night and his reaction was priceless. I'm going to treasure these moments!

Movement: That's an understatement. More like a little gremlin has taken over my mid section.

Food Cravings: Where should we begin? Fruit, fruit, fruit. I went to Target the other day, my only reason being to get fruit (because I went from living around no Targets to living .2 seconds from a SUPER Target that has a bomb ass produce section). Plain Triscuits. I'm about to die to get some Japanese food. Just the rice really. I'm completely OVER cooking. I want nothing to do with it.

Showing:

Temperament: Testy, testy, testy. I cry at the drop of a dime over little insignificant things. My poor, poor husband. But... he did this to me! I'm very anxious. I want to meet my son.. like NOW. I know he still has just a bit more baking to do though! Also, very very thankful. Beyond thankful. For my amazing husband who jumps up to do anything that will make my life easier, even after he's had a busy day... thankful for this blessing we've been granted... thankful for my mum who sends me little messages that keep me going... thankful for both of our families for flying alllll the way out here to meet the newest addition... thankful for the friends that I've met here that make me feel not so alone. I'm just feeling incredibly blessed.

Weekly Wisdom:

Dear Self:

I know you're anxious for this last little part to be over with. I know you cannot wait to get that little man in your hands. But remember, that you'll miss this part too. Try and take this opportunity to get as much rest as you can and STOP FEELING LIKE A TOTAL LOSER/SLACKER FOR DOING SO... your body is hard at work. Soak in all of these karate chops little kicks and movements. Also, stop worrying about giving birth. Stop trying to control everything and obsessing over it. God will lead you into whichever way needs to happen. If Drew stays breeched then you just weren't meant to give birth naturally. You won't be missing out on anything.. the important thing is that you have a healthy, happy baby boy. If he does turn, than you can handle the birthing process! Stop freaking out over it and worrying over every little thing!

Ketchup Time

After my unintended week long blogging hiatus, I guess it's time to play a little catch-up. Bullet style.

• We had a great, long 4th of July weekend. What started out as only a planned regular 2 day weekend (there were meetings, I guess, that he was going to have to go to), turned into a 4 day, turned into a 5 day! We spent our time together doing LOTS of relaxing, putting a crib together :), helping a friend move, and eating lots and lots of burgers with friends.

• The nursery is ALMOST finished. We have lots of the basic necessities and just need to work on the finishing touch-ups. Which I better get busy on because time is running out! We had this quote from Hob Lob that I wanted to put above his crib.. would have looked great right?? Except for the fact that it wouldn't stick since all of our walls are bumpy.. you know.. they are all painted like popcorn ceilings..grrrr. So now I've got to figure something out that I like just as much!

• Had my 32 week appointment yesterday. He is doing well and seems to be healthy, but he is still breech. I know he still has about a good month to turn, but I have a strong feeling that he won't. He is always sitting as high up as he can in my ribs (yes, it's as uncomfortable for me as it sounds) and I think he is comfy enough up there. If he's anything like his mother, he knows what he should do, but is quite happy doing what he wants and is not moving for anybody. We'll see. I know there are exercises I can do to try and get him to turn... I'll do those.. but I AM NOT doing that ECV thing where the doc can try to move him manually. No, I'll just take a C-sec thank you very much. We'll find out for sure at my next appointment in 4 weeks!
  
• I've been going to the pool on-post to get some workouts in and I'm loving it! It's a great big Olympic sized pool that is great for doing laps in. I only wish I had discovered it 2 months ago when we first moved here... CRAZY that we've been here for 2 months already.

• A good friend of ours has left for his first deployment this week. Trey met Mr. Soldier at OCS and they were good friends throughout. We moved to Ft. Sill together and the 4 of us became good friends while we were there. It was nice to have a familiar face during our first move and have a girlfriend to watch The Bachelor with every week :) Anyways, in May we all went our separate ways and have been adjusting to our new areas. We knew his unit was getting ready to deploy, but it never seemed real. We've all been in this undeployable training bubble for over a year, and all of a sudden, that bubble was popped. I wish that I could be with Mrs. Soldier now as she is going through the first couple days without her husband! They will both be in all of my prayers for the next year! I'm trying to convince her to start a blog so she can see what a great support system you ladies are!!

That's just about all that I can think of. Maybe that's why I haven't been updating much.. nothing to tell! I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Flashback Friday

Happy *almost* 4th of July!!

This time last year, Trey was right in the middle of OCS in Fort Benning, GA. I lived only 5 hours away and had so much fun visiting him about once a month. Of course I missed living with him and being separated took some adjusting, but it was almost like we were dating each other all over again. There is something to be said for that excitement of seeing each other after 4 weeks of being separated.

He got a little bit of a break for the 4th, so I headed on down there with no real plans other than to enjoy each others company. We decided we were going to head down to the Riverwalk to see the firework show. Luckily, we left early, because once we parked and started walking downtown our plans quickly changed. We saw the perfect restaurant that had a deck to sit on with fans misting light water on us. I cannot turn drinks and appetizers on a deck down.. especially with the cobblestone streets.... my idea of perfection. After a few hours spent enjoying ourselves we headed on down to the firework area and here we are... I promise I'm actually dressed!!

We both adored Ft. Benning and really hope to get back there!