July 13, 2010

The One Where I Got Real and Poured My Heart Out a Bit

Insecurity... should be my middle name!

I've heard about this book from every angle in my life over the past couple of months - Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity: you've been a bad friend to us. Looking back, I'm pretty sure God was shoving this book in my face, pleading with me to read it. From as many places as I heard about it, to walking into the library here and seeing it front and center on the shelf staring at me. The first time I saw it, I picked it up and set it right back down. I didn't have the energy to deal with that, I said. I wanted to read something light-hearted and fun. Plus, I don't do well with "self help" books. I get bored with them easily and have never, ever finished one that I've picked up. But, when I saw it staring at me yet again today I picked it up again, determined to walk out of the library with it. I've always enjoyed Beth Moore's sass anyways, so how bad could it be, right?

It took me a LONG time to even admit to myself that I am an insecure person. If you know me in real life, you might even be saying to yourself.. no way.. Jessica.. no way she is insecure. I do a very good job at faking it ladies. Or at least I think I do. I also know there are a few people that I know see right through me, but honestly, it's something I struggle with every single day and something I consciously try to cover up quite a bit.

*Now, don't get me wrong... I wouldn't consider myself to be a fake person by any means. I wouldn't want anyone to get that impression. For the most part, what you see is really what you get. I do love to have a good time. I do care deeply. I do love to laugh. But I am VERY insecure at the same time.
*I do worry, quite a good bit, about what other people think of me in all kinds of situations and I'm ready to change that. It's exhausting and I wish I could just be confident in my own skin.

I feel like Mrs. Moore and I are very similar in our insecurities. In the 2nd chapter, she asks some of these questions.. questions that made her realize her own insecurities. I feel like I filled in her answers myself:
Do I cry easily? YESSSS. She did say no. That was the only place where we differed.
Do I avoid the spotlight in social situations? Heck No! Which is where I think I would come off as a secure person. I thrive being the center of attention (in certain.. most.. situations)
Here's where it really hit home though...
Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong? Oh wow.. do I ever. It's even possible that I feel very certain in my mind that I've done nothing wrong. Give it some time.. as in a few minutes to an hour.. it'll get very far under my skin if the other party thinks that I'm wrong.. in enters serious self doubt inside myself. I'll go to no ends to make sure everything is alright.
If someone is angry at me, do I have a hard time not thinking about it? I obsess. It's not pretty.
Do I sometimes feel anxious for no apparent reason? More than I let on.
Does it hurt my feelings when I learn that someone doesn't like me? It devastates me.

Another big thing that she has brought up twice so far that really hits home, is part of the definition of insecurity... " a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate". I do this to myself ALL. THE. TIME. I can't think of any sure examples right now, but I do question myself and the way I feel about things constantly.

I'm really going to be working on these things. It's not healthy and it's not the way God made us to be. I could be completely missing out on something that He wants me to be doing in my life right now because my insecurities are getting in the way. So, I guess my main point in sharing all of this, is 1. maybe someone out there reading this can totally relate.. if so and you want to do something about it.. get this book. 2. I want to be more open and honest about this. I'm not saying I'm going to blog about this topic any certain amount of time a week or anything, but expect more posts. I'll blog about it when something has really struck me while reading.

I'm not expecting this book to be a miracle cure. I'm going to read it and really let it sink in. Hopefully, it will spark something in me to make some changes.

I know a few of you out there have read this lately. Did any of you finish it? What did you think? Did it make a big difference in your life?

*See, I did it right there. Explaining myself way too much, for fear of what people reading this will think of me.


Lisa said...

I've never heard of this book, but I look forward to picking that one up. I'll have to mention to P that we need to make a trip to the bookstore this weekend.

Thanks for sharing (and I have a LOT in common with you when it comes to insecurity!)

Julie the Army Wife said...

That sounds like a book I need to read. I have a few of those traits you mentioned too.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts once you start to read it. I really like Beth Moore.

Steph said...

Hold your head up high beautiful. You are a strong, amazing woman.

Real love stories have no endings said...

Jessica I think you are amazing and have and continue to be a great friend! :) smile you are a strong woman and an Army wife, that says A LOT about you.

I think I need to read this book too!