September 19, 2009

The Hard Truth

I am not in a good place right now. I'm not myself at all.
I think I've been fighting this off and on for a couple of months now, but I really think I've fallen into a for real state of depression or something and it's gotten to the point where I'm worried about myself. All I want to do is stay in bed. It's extremely hard for me to get out. I thank God I was called back into work until I leave (a week from today) because I really don't know what I would have done with myself. It's hard for me to eat. Those that know me best are probably ready to have me committed after hearing that. I live for food. Lately the thought of it turns my stomach.
It's gotta be the fact that a big fat dose of reality has hit me about moving. I don't know why I'm so worked up about it. I can't explain why. All I know is every day that it gets closer, the deeper and deeper I sink in to this funk. I don't feel like that is normal. I want to get more and more excited every day because I'm that much closer to living with Trey again. But the simple truth is I'm not. The thought of getting in that car next week and driving away makes me nauseous.
The few people that I've talked to about this that are not military, tell me that this is normal. That I've been living on my own for 8 months and they completely understand how scary it must be to just pack everything up and just go. For the first time in my life, I'm packing up my car and leaving everything I know and am comfortable with. They understand the thoughts that are literally breaking my heart.
What I'm afraid of though, is what everyone else thinks. You girls that have been through this and have been going through it for a long time. Is this normal or do I need some serious help? Please tell me this gets better!


Carrie said...

:/ I'm sorry.

I haven't been through this, but I'll be dealing with it soon enough.

Just try to look at this as one more adventure that you and Trey get to share. You'll have each otehr, and that's the important thing. :)

And in the grand scheme of things, this is just one page in the story of your life. So much more will come after that eventually, looking back, you'll wonder what you were so worried about.

You'll make it through this, all the stronger. It'll be worth the stress in the end. :) Chin up. Be brave. We have the power each and every day to make our challenges what we want them to be. They can become a nightmare, or we can see them as a journey to be fulfilled. Take it as a journey. You'll make it to your destination, and have a very happy ending indeed.

Lots of blogging love,

Steph said...

I'm sure once you are there and with your husband things will be better for you. It is stressful having to move and take care of everything on your own. I know this.

It will be an adjustment from being on your own to being with him again. But it will be an adventure that will be good for you. I'm sure you will make lots of friends and get back into being the swing of being a full time wife.

You don't always have to be strong and brave. You can email me anytime if there is anyway I can help, I will.


high heels said...

You will be FINE!!!
Not that I want to shout it from the rooftops, bit I was on antidepressants for a few months in the beginning of the lifestyle,and when I felt like I was ready to suck it up, I got off them.
I moved away from the hometown for the first time ever, and one month later, Josh left for his deployment. Just keep yourself BUSY!!!

Kate said...

Jessica -
This is so-so-so normal.
Two years ago, my husband and I had a similar situation. He came home for two weeks, enough time for our wedding and some packing - and then he left for Japan. I was stuck in NY almost to the point of a break down. I was so nervous and sick inside about uprooting myself from my comfort zone to travel across the world. A place in my heart that should have been excited, was full of worries, concerns, and a depression of sorts.

All I can say is that it takes time. Even when you are reunited with the hubby, it still is an adjustment to your new surroundings. Be patient with yourself. Don't forget that reality has the ability to knock you off your feet, but you have the power to pick yourself up again. Eventually, you will settle in to your new environment and get yourself into a routine. Just look at it as an adventure, a new chapter in your life's story.

Some very wise women in my life, who are military spouses, say that some moves are easier than others. And they say that some are so difficult you want to scream. Emotionally, it is very trying on us. Just keep your thoughts on daily tasks and getting through the days. And as your time creeps closer for you to leave - know that you aren't really alone. There is a whole network of people that are here for you, your family, your friends, and your military family. But most important, your husband. Rely on him as a rock within the adjustments. My husband and I always say that as long as we have each other we can handle any move, new place, or difficulty.

Be kind to yourself and try to relax. :)