PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) started it's summer session this morning. I've really been looking forward to it!
I stopped going earlier this year because there was just too much going on with Andrew. They provide free child care while you are attending and at first, it worked perfectly. Then he got a little older, caught a few colds, sprouted some teeth, and discovered that the world was falling apart when I wasn't by his side. The last time I went, they had to call me back to come and get him after he had been crying nonstop for almost an hour. That was the beginning of our troubles and I didn't feel comfortable going back for the next few weeks.
They took a break for a few weeks, we've been putting him in CDC weekly for a few weeks (trying to get him used to being without me), and I've been more than ready to get back into it.
So off we went this morning with high hopes. To say I wasn't nervous would be a lie, but I told the sweet ladies watching him that we've had separation issues and if things get out of control not to hesitate to call me. I left and he didn't cry, but I had my phone glued to my hands the entire time.
If you've been paying any sort of attention to my blog, you know that this is something I have really, really been struggling with for a while. (or if you know me in real life and have heard me complaining about it constantly and begging for advise.. yeahh.. sorry about that!) I've talked to everyone about it possible. Googled it a million times, searching for answers. Complained until I've been blue in the face. Taken to more alcohol than usual after bedtime. Have had to be medicated to keep sane. And just plain cried.
Funny that we started a study today about hearing God speak to you. How we need to put ourselves in a position where we're ready to listen to what He has to say. How we need to go to Him with EVERYTHING.. the big stuff and the small stuff.
Wow. Not once have I thought to pray about this. I've turned to everyone else except God. I haven't asked for more patience. I haven't asked Him to show me what to do to make my son more secure. I thank God for him.. a lot.. but to be really honest.. I haven't prayed ABOUT him or over him since we've had him out of the NICU. Fail. Big fat fail.
I'm so quick to run straight to God when the big, ugly things come about. Or when I really want something. I don't take the time to praise Him when things are just swimming along normally or when I have little day-to-day issues. This all smacked me right in the head while I was listening today.
And wouldn't you know it... I walk over to pick up Andrew and he was as happy as can be. He did wonderfully. He played a lot. Drank his entire bottle. Ate gold fish and graham crackers for the first time and apparently loved them both. They said the only time he got mad is when they changed his diaper (normal.. the kid is perfectly happy sitting in his own filth) and when they stopped feeding him and took him out of his highchair (typical). This made me so happy. I was thrilled that he was able to be social. That he was fine without me. I'm in NO WAY under any assumption that all of our problems with this are gone (in fact, when we got home, I left him for .2 seconds to get my phone out of the dining room and he freaked) but we're making progress.
I almost had given up on solving this until he just plain grew out of it. I have run out of ideas and I think we've tried everything there is to do. But, God's totally got this!