My mum brought it to my attention yesterday that I haven't posted in a while (a couple days). She called to make sure I was alive.
I'm alive.. just in the biggest funk I've probably ever been in in my life. I haven't gotten on here, because I didn't want to talk about it and I knew I'd have nothing positive to say. I don't want to say I'm fully depressed bc I hate that word and also I don't feel like I've gotten there "officially", but it's been pretty bad.
I really don't think that I have faced this until now. I mean, clearly I know he's been gone.. and I know where he's been... but I think I've just been going through the motions and not really piecing everything together until now. I think I'm just NOW realizing that he's gone for another couple of months, just now realizing what it means that he is gone. That this is the life we're going to be living. What if I never find that I'm strong enough? I JUST NOW realized the implications of this.. that i'm going to be leaving my friends and family. I'm having this hard of a time with it now being surrounded by people.. how am I going to do it around strangers? Having maybe a weee bit too much to drink Thursday night may have had something to do with me waking up.. I know it brought me crashing down. All of a sudden I'm finding it hard to eat, I cannot stand to be in my house so I'll do anything to get out, and my heart just constantly feels like it's broken. And it doesn't help that I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks now. It somewhat feels like he's a ghost and I hate that. I know that's illogical though and I keep reading his letters over and over.
I WON'T let this get the best of me. I'm just venting. Somehow I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep on trucking through. He's way way way too important to me for me to just give up. That's not an option. So my only option is to one way or another check out of this pity party and learn how to be okay on my own.