March 15, 2009

Still here...

My mum brought it to my attention yesterday that I haven't posted in a while (a couple days). She called to make sure I was alive.
I'm alive.. just in the biggest funk I've probably ever been in in my life. I haven't gotten on here, because I didn't want to talk about it and I knew I'd have nothing positive to say. I don't want to say I'm fully depressed bc I hate that word and also I don't feel like I've gotten there "officially", but it's been pretty bad.
I really don't think that I have faced this until now. I mean, clearly I know he's been gone.. and I know where he's been... but I think I've just been going through the motions and not really piecing everything together until now. I think I'm just NOW realizing that he's gone for another couple of months, just now realizing what it means that he is gone. That this is the life we're going to be living. What if I never find that I'm strong enough? I JUST NOW realized the implications of this.. that i'm going to be leaving my friends and family. I'm having this hard of a time with it now being surrounded by people.. how am I going to do it around strangers? Having maybe a weee bit too much to drink Thursday night may have had something to do with me waking up.. I know it brought me crashing down. All of a sudden I'm finding it hard to eat, I cannot stand to be in my house so I'll do anything to get out, and my heart just constantly feels like it's broken. And it doesn't help that I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks now. It somewhat feels like he's a ghost and I hate that. I know that's illogical though and I keep reading his letters over and over.
I WON'T let this get the best of me. I'm just venting. Somehow I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep on trucking through. He's way way way too important to me for me to just give up. That's not an option. So my only option is to one way or another check out of this pity party and learn how to be okay on my own.

7 comments:

Megan said...

Aww I'm so sorry for the way your feeling. Just keep yourself busy and surround yourself with positive people and time will fly by. It's always hard in the beginning but it gets easier. After awhile you just kinda get used to doing things by yourself. There are women here with 4 or 5 kids and their husband has been gone for 12+ months. I just have reminded myself that if they can do it, I can go it too. :)

New Girl on Post said...

You are strong enough, don't let yourself think you are not. I've been there and done that too. It's not fun, but once you realize you can do this you'll feel a lot better. If you ever need anythin let me know. osugirl713@hotmail.com Email me anytime!

Red and White Preppy said...

Oh goodness, sweetie! I am so sorry to hear this... Please know that I'm thinking about you and am here if you need anything. YOU CAN DO THIS :)

Heather said...

Oh, honey. My heart just broke for you when I read this. I know it must be so tough - but I also know that you are strong enough to make it. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to pass your way, to fill you with the peace you need to get though this difficult time - but I don't. All I can tell you this: there are soooo many people thinking about you and praying for you everyday. You have my e-mail if you ever need me. And if you ever want to call and chat, let me know. I'll send you my phone number in a heartbeat. :)

LiLu said...

Oh, love, I'm so sorry. I remember how hard it was when my high school sweetheart was off to Okinawa for 6 months... and you must be feeling about a billion times that! Just know that eventually he will be home with you and you will be together... til then, do what you can to stay busy and spend time with friends and family. I'm so sorry love!

Julie Q said...

awww hang in there, you and Trey are in my thoughts and prayers.

Princess Sophia Consuela said...

This is going to be really mushy, so prepare yourself before you read it....(FYI, I've been walking around Wal-Mart clearing my head, so this isn't a tipsy post, but the whole situation/blah is about your other half, he one you cherish...). Out of all the female 'friends' I hung out with in high school, you are one of the strongest I remember. You never let any obstacle/person/drama get the best of you...you always put your foot down and stood up to what you thought was right and or what you believed in. I can remember leaving CVS when we got off the clock just to joy ride and talk. Talk about things that mattered in life, not just to be blowing smoke in the air...Jessica, you got this! It's another journey/chapter in your (and your husbands) life that you will...I don't know the words, but...love conquers all. Keep that head up! I work right down the road....Yo Burrito for our Tuesday $1 tacos is sounding FAB! (Dakota said I sound like a loser...) Just know you're very lucky and blessed being such a great person!