Tonight I went to dinner with two friends. At one point we got on the topic of Trey and how he's been doing/how I've been doing. I was asked if I'm keeping a journal. My first thought was "are you kidding? With blogging almost everyday and writing Trey everynight, I have NO time to keep a journal. And my hand might actually fall off if I did add that into the mix. But she brought up something that made me start thinking about it... how neat it would be to see the changes in myself from day 1 to day.. infinity. I know I will change a lot, especially over the next couple of months, and will hopefully change for the better. Starting an actual private journal is just out of the question (for above reasons) and the thought of putting my true, deep down feelings out in the blogger world for all to see terrifies me, plus I don't want to bore people. But then I thought (whew.. this is a lot of thinking)
#1. If I'm not being myself and talking about what I really really feel, then I'm kind of cheating people (all my fans) out of who I really am.
#2. This is supposed to be therapuetic for me, and if i'm not really opening up, then what good does it do?
#3. If anyone doesn't like it, or gets bored with it, then they don't have to read it! (but I hope you do)
So here we go. I have never, ever in my life had to depend on myself. I went from living at home with mum and dad, to living with Trey. I grew up with my dad and 2 brothers and basically didn't have to do any hard stuff with the boys being around. Then I had Trey to "take care of me". So to sum it all up... I'm not at all independent.. I've never had to be. And all that has changed very drastically.
I am JUST NOW feeling okay with myself. If it weren't for the responsibility of a job, I probably would have curled up in fetal position in our bed, and would not have moved until yesterday. I miss him more than I thought was possible. My heart aches. I cried every single day up until yesterday. I had to deal with a little bank account issue the first full day he was gone. And I ended up crying to my mum for help instead of dealing with it myself. I locked myself out of my house in my PJ's Sunday night. With no spare key hidden. I haven't cleaned my bathroom, even though I've promised myslef I would for the past two weeks.
When he called my Saturday, he was miserable. I was not strong for him and cried almost the whole time we were on the phone, almost bringing him to tears in front of a group of grown men. I then cried for the remainder of the night. Not a proud moment.
But something does feel like it clicked in me as of Monday. I don't know if it was getting through the first weekend. Or just time. And maybe all of the prayers. But something changed. I stopped for a minute at work and realized that I was actually happy. I was smiling and it wasn't fake, forced smiling. I was thinking about him yes, but it didn't make me cry to do so.
He actually just now called me again! He sounded much much better as well! He is definately starting Basic tomorrow, so I'm sure that is helping him. That was part of the problem saturday, was that he was still stuck in in-processing. That was a much better conversation, and for the most part consisted of us laughing together.
So there it is... all out on the line in a nut shell at least. One day in the future I hope to look at this and see that I've grown into a mature, strong, independent and self-sufficient woman. One that loves her husband dearly and adores when they are together, but that can make it just fine when he does have to be away!