I'm sure this is normal... I think at least. Who knows what's normal anymore. But I'm having HUGE, like big fat huge doubts about going back home for this deployment. I was so sure of this decision. I knew I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure anymore.
First and foremost, I can't help but feel I'm leaving my friends when they need me most. We're all going through this together and I'm just over here all, "peace out!!". I should be with them. We need each other. I know I'm replaceable.. I know there are others here, I'm not leaving anyone on their own. But I want to be here with them. I want to be here for play dates, to be a shoulder to cry on, to celebrate countdowns, to have dinner with when they don't want to eat alone for one.more.night, you get the point. I hope I can do well at being supportive from afar!
I don't know if it was the smartest move to give up our house. This is our space and we're comfortable here. Andrew's stuff was all in it's place. I can walk around without a bra on if I want. (and I want). We do as we please.. it's home. I feel like this part of the deployment would have been much easier had we not decided to move me home. Obviously.
A few months ago, I was dying for a break from living on an Army post. I was sick of pulling my ID out everywhere we went. I was tired of driving so slow that I could walk faster, and if I saw ONE MORE TINY BIT OF CAMO....
Now, I'm clinging to any little bit of it. Maybe that would have been a nice little reminder while he is gone. Maybe some familiarity would have done me good. I'll miss all of the "welcome home" signs, yellow ribbons and day-to-day ceremonies out on the parade field.
But, I don't know... I think maybe my mind is just clinging on to anything it can. At this point, I just have to trust that I'm doing the right thing. I'll be glad to have family around when I'm going into labor that's for sure! And for just day to day life. I know I'll be thankful for them. It'll be cheaper, that's for sure, and I feel like I'm contributing to our family by being able to pay down debt and build a hefty savings account. But, I also sort of feel like I'm not being as supportive to Trey as I could be by going home. But I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there.
That's about all I have at this point. I'm surprised I was able to semi-decently put some real thoughts down in all reality.
We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. We're doing the right thing. There I feel better already.....
November 20, 2012
November 15, 2012
Distraction
Here's what I really want to talk about -
I'm moving in 2 weeks. Is this really my life? Is this for real? Do I really have to say goodbye to my husband for an undisclosed amount of time? Is he really going to tuck his son into bed for the last time in a while and I'm really going to have to watch a grown man cry? This can't be real.
I'm having a hard time keeping it together. Don't get me wrong, when he's home, he's home and we're enjoying every minute together as a family. And that part is wonderful. But, please, pay me no mind if you see me out alone and have random tears in my eyes. Or better yet, come up to me and assure me this will be over before we know it. Sitting by myself at the hospital lab, for instance. It's just that I can't get the image of my husband hugging and kissing my son for the last time out of my head. That's enough to drive anyone crazy, right?
I could keep this blog post all on one neat, tidy topic and end it here, but I don't want to leave it in a place of funk. So let's talk about something else. Something happy. Let's talk about Andrew and what he's been up to. *Don't look surprised, you know it's my favorite subject*
So this is what I'll talk about instead -
First of all, I'm able to work on this post in my favorite element (coffee nearby, jammies still on, the early morning sun peaking in through the blinds, and it's dead SILENT) because it's 7:15am and he's STILL SLEEPING. Do you hear the choir of angels singing?? This is unheard of. So, thank you baby!
Moving on...
He's talking up a storm. That's such a given at this point, even. When he first started, I was keeping up with a list to see how many words he had. I was able to do that for about 2 weeks before it became useless and I couldn't keep up. I ADORE the fact that he talks to us like a regular little human.
Full, complete sentences with his own little mixups added in:
We were at the doctor the other day when the doc asked him what he did this morning. He looked at him and said, "I went to the playground yesterday".
Right now he's drawing with my pencil. He just said, "I draw a submarine". Oh.. okay hun.. draw on!
Some of his key phrases lately have been:
"Oooh what is that?" (100 times a day.. I know he knows what that tree is!)
He'll mumble something that you can't understand, then say, "don't say that", while scrunching up his face and laughing.
"Uh-ohhh". Anytime something even remotely is a little off or goes wrong.
"Loves you Mama/Daddy". Melt.
A big hearty, "OKAYYY", when we ask him if he wants to do something that sounds appealing to him.
Whenever he hears music of any kind (from a show, radio, commercial.. etc.) he gives us this astonished look at says, "come out a feekers (speakers)".
He gets real excited when he's telling us "long stories" and starts to stutter a little. I can tell his brain is just going 100 miles an hour and he can't keep up! And it's less of stuttering over the beginning of words and more of putting, "uh uh uh's" in between words.
His imagination is becoming evident. I've always watched him play and wonder what in the world he was thinking. You know, as he's driving his cars around, flying his planes in the air, or building towers upon towers of blocks. Now, he's talking to himself as he's playing and I can catch a glimpse into that brain of his. Usually he's just going somewhere in his cars or planes. He'll look at us and say, "Bye, see you later, going to the (fill in the blank.. usually the PX, Commissary, or playground... you can tell what we do with the majority of our days). He's also starting naming his friends house, saying he's going over so-and-so's house. It's pretty cute. He'll drive his cars along the couch and yell out things to himself along the lines of, "NO NO NO, PLEASE, NO NO, STOP!!". Who knows what's going on there, but it's entertaining.
He loves to play this strange "game" about 10 times a day. He calls it "stinky feet". He asks to get in our bed and then says, "smell feet". He sticks his feet in our face and waits for us to gag uncontrollably because his feet are "soooooo stinky". I have no idea where this came, but I'm quite sure my husband started it.
Another favorite pastime of his is to type numbers and letters into Word. He loves for us to help him spell certain words and switch the colors on the letters. Seriously, this kid is going to be bored to tears in Kindergarten.
I'm sure I'm missing things, but I realize this may not be as interesting to all of you like it is to us. You already know I like to keep up with this stuff though to have to look back on. This is a running joke among myself and Trey and also a few of my friends, but I have to say, this is definitely my favorite stage. The joke is that I say that about every single stage :)
I'm moving in 2 weeks. Is this really my life? Is this for real? Do I really have to say goodbye to my husband for an undisclosed amount of time? Is he really going to tuck his son into bed for the last time in a while and I'm really going to have to watch a grown man cry? This can't be real.
I'm having a hard time keeping it together. Don't get me wrong, when he's home, he's home and we're enjoying every minute together as a family. And that part is wonderful. But, please, pay me no mind if you see me out alone and have random tears in my eyes. Or better yet, come up to me and assure me this will be over before we know it. Sitting by myself at the hospital lab, for instance. It's just that I can't get the image of my husband hugging and kissing my son for the last time out of my head. That's enough to drive anyone crazy, right?
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| Jaci Greggs Photography |
I could keep this blog post all on one neat, tidy topic and end it here, but I don't want to leave it in a place of funk. So let's talk about something else. Something happy. Let's talk about Andrew and what he's been up to. *Don't look surprised, you know it's my favorite subject*
So this is what I'll talk about instead -
First of all, I'm able to work on this post in my favorite element (coffee nearby, jammies still on, the early morning sun peaking in through the blinds, and it's dead SILENT) because it's 7:15am and he's STILL SLEEPING. Do you hear the choir of angels singing?? This is unheard of. So, thank you baby!
Moving on...
He's talking up a storm. That's such a given at this point, even. When he first started, I was keeping up with a list to see how many words he had. I was able to do that for about 2 weeks before it became useless and I couldn't keep up. I ADORE the fact that he talks to us like a regular little human.
Full, complete sentences with his own little mixups added in:
- He refers to himself as "you". Funny story to go with that. Our friend Fritz was over playing in the backyard with him last week (God love him). They both came in and Fritz was confused thinking that Andrew wanted him to have some water. Probably because Andrew looked at him and said, "get you some water please". No, he really meant himself. Get Andrew some water.
- His favorite show right now is Super Why. Sidenote: this is such a great show! He calls it Super Why-er and I think it's adorable.
- As is the way he says noodles. "noo-noos". I've yet to correct him and, in fact, that's what we now call noodles in our house.
We were at the doctor the other day when the doc asked him what he did this morning. He looked at him and said, "I went to the playground yesterday".
Right now he's drawing with my pencil. He just said, "I draw a submarine". Oh.. okay hun.. draw on!
Some of his key phrases lately have been:
"Oooh what is that?" (100 times a day.. I know he knows what that tree is!)
He'll mumble something that you can't understand, then say, "don't say that", while scrunching up his face and laughing.
"Uh-ohhh". Anytime something even remotely is a little off or goes wrong.
"Loves you Mama/Daddy". Melt.
A big hearty, "OKAYYY", when we ask him if he wants to do something that sounds appealing to him.
Whenever he hears music of any kind (from a show, radio, commercial.. etc.) he gives us this astonished look at says, "come out a feekers (speakers)".
He gets real excited when he's telling us "long stories" and starts to stutter a little. I can tell his brain is just going 100 miles an hour and he can't keep up! And it's less of stuttering over the beginning of words and more of putting, "uh uh uh's" in between words.
His imagination is becoming evident. I've always watched him play and wonder what in the world he was thinking. You know, as he's driving his cars around, flying his planes in the air, or building towers upon towers of blocks. Now, he's talking to himself as he's playing and I can catch a glimpse into that brain of his. Usually he's just going somewhere in his cars or planes. He'll look at us and say, "Bye, see you later, going to the (fill in the blank.. usually the PX, Commissary, or playground... you can tell what we do with the majority of our days). He's also starting naming his friends house, saying he's going over so-and-so's house. It's pretty cute. He'll drive his cars along the couch and yell out things to himself along the lines of, "NO NO NO, PLEASE, NO NO, STOP!!". Who knows what's going on there, but it's entertaining.
He loves to play this strange "game" about 10 times a day. He calls it "stinky feet". He asks to get in our bed and then says, "smell feet". He sticks his feet in our face and waits for us to gag uncontrollably because his feet are "soooooo stinky". I have no idea where this came, but I'm quite sure my husband started it.
Another favorite pastime of his is to type numbers and letters into Word. He loves for us to help him spell certain words and switch the colors on the letters. Seriously, this kid is going to be bored to tears in Kindergarten.
I'm sure I'm missing things, but I realize this may not be as interesting to all of you like it is to us. You already know I like to keep up with this stuff though to have to look back on. This is a running joke among myself and Trey and also a few of my friends, but I have to say, this is definitely my favorite stage. The joke is that I say that about every single stage :)
November 11, 2012
What Would Have Been
I've sat here looking at a blank screen for about 5 minutes. First trying to think of a title, then figuring out how to start. So maybe this won't be the most poetic or well written out post, but I do want to talk about how I feel on this day.
Today would have been our due date with the baby we lost back in March. It's been on my mind for the last week or so, but today, it's all I can think about. It's there constantly, no matter what I'm doing. Instead of packing up our house, making breakfast for my boys, playing with Andrew, etc. what WOULD I have been doing? Would I already have him/her? Maybe I'd be in labor. Or doing everything I could be to get it out!! Holy crap, I can't imagine the chaos that we are living right now that is packing up our house and getting Trey ready to leave with birthing a baby or caring for a newborn thrown into the mix. It would have been fine obviously. But this leads me to my main point...
Yes, this is here with me. Especially today. I'm carrying it around with me front and center today and I have a lot of what-ifs, but I have to say -
For the most part, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. God is with me today, as He is everyday, but today.. woah..
I can see what He's done for us today.
I have this ever-growing, pain in my ribs reminder that God loves me.
I don't think I ever mentioned it when we became pregnant with this one, but I have to admit that my first thought was not one of joy. We had just decided we were going to stop trying until after the deployment. The miscarriage and the thought of birthing while Daddy was away was just too much. I so desperately wanted a baby, but we both decided we could wait. We needed a break from it all and I was in a good place about that. I was thinking about all the free time I would have with Andrew... all that time I could focus on him and only him. Me and my little man.. we would get through the deployment together. And the time I would have to myself!! I was okay with this. Yes, let's wait!
Until the next week or so.. I knew... I knew I would get a positive. And instead of running to Trey with joy, I showed him the stick and set it on the counter. We laughed at ourselves for quite a while. Of course that would happen. We had time to process this and our feelings went from disbelief to fright. It didn't take me long to get excited over the life we had started and now I was scared that we'd lose this one as well.
Obviously, everything has gone very well and we have one healthy baby boy growing more and more everyday. And OF COURSE God allowed me to become pregnant, even when I didn't want it anymore. He knew I needed this. I can't imagine how I would feel today if I weren't 27 weeks pregnant. I can't even begin to think that way or put any possible feelings into words. But I don't have to, that's the beautiful thing.
All I can do is thank Him. And feel an overwhelming sense of the love He has for me. Know that He knew what I wanted/needed even when I didn't. Yes, friends, I'm filled with thanks today!
Today would have been our due date with the baby we lost back in March. It's been on my mind for the last week or so, but today, it's all I can think about. It's there constantly, no matter what I'm doing. Instead of packing up our house, making breakfast for my boys, playing with Andrew, etc. what WOULD I have been doing? Would I already have him/her? Maybe I'd be in labor. Or doing everything I could be to get it out!! Holy crap, I can't imagine the chaos that we are living right now that is packing up our house and getting Trey ready to leave with birthing a baby or caring for a newborn thrown into the mix. It would have been fine obviously. But this leads me to my main point...
Yes, this is here with me. Especially today. I'm carrying it around with me front and center today and I have a lot of what-ifs, but I have to say -
For the most part, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. God is with me today, as He is everyday, but today.. woah..
I can see what He's done for us today.
I don't think I ever mentioned it when we became pregnant with this one, but I have to admit that my first thought was not one of joy. We had just decided we were going to stop trying until after the deployment. The miscarriage and the thought of birthing while Daddy was away was just too much. I so desperately wanted a baby, but we both decided we could wait. We needed a break from it all and I was in a good place about that. I was thinking about all the free time I would have with Andrew... all that time I could focus on him and only him. Me and my little man.. we would get through the deployment together. And the time I would have to myself!! I was okay with this. Yes, let's wait!
Until the next week or so.. I knew... I knew I would get a positive. And instead of running to Trey with joy, I showed him the stick and set it on the counter. We laughed at ourselves for quite a while. Of course that would happen. We had time to process this and our feelings went from disbelief to fright. It didn't take me long to get excited over the life we had started and now I was scared that we'd lose this one as well.
Obviously, everything has gone very well and we have one healthy baby boy growing more and more everyday. And OF COURSE God allowed me to become pregnant, even when I didn't want it anymore. He knew I needed this. I can't imagine how I would feel today if I weren't 27 weeks pregnant. I can't even begin to think that way or put any possible feelings into words. But I don't have to, that's the beautiful thing.
All I can do is thank Him. And feel an overwhelming sense of the love He has for me. Know that He knew what I wanted/needed even when I didn't. Yes, friends, I'm filled with thanks today!
November 4, 2012
Andrew's Wish List
I hope this isn't tacky, first of all! I needed a place to keep everything we've had our eye on for Andrew for Christmas. Instead of writing it all down on paper, then having to email the list to family, if asked, I figured this would be easier. This way I could include links. So here we have a one-stop shop for us all!
Little People (we're big LP fans!):
Books are always welcome. We just bought him Contrary Mary, I Don't Care! Said the Bear, and The Accidental Zucchini: The Unexpected Alphabet. He hasn't been into reading lately, which breaks my heart.. I'm hoping he's just bored with the same old books.
Again, I hope this doesn't come off as pushy or tacky. This is mostly for ourselves and family who already plan on buying him a gift and need ideas (aka - mom, dad and brothers!) I'd actually really enjoy hearing about what you plan to get your kids.. maybe you'll give me even better ideas! So SPILL IT :)
Little People (we're big LP fans!):
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| Amazon |
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| Amazon |
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| Legos of any kind :) |
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| Sold Here |
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| Amazon |
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| Amazon - Daddy just got him the Basketball Hoop :) |
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| Amazon |
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| Amazon | (A little toy tape measure would go perfect with that.. he's loved playing with Daddy's real one lately) |
Again, I hope this doesn't come off as pushy or tacky. This is mostly for ourselves and family who already plan on buying him a gift and need ideas (aka - mom, dad and brothers!) I'd actually really enjoy hearing about what you plan to get your kids.. maybe you'll give me even better ideas! So SPILL IT :)
November 3, 2012
Our Trip Home
We're back already from our trip home during block leave. We've been home since Thursday afternoon and have been getting back into the swing of things since then.
It was a good visit! We got into town Friday, late afternoon, and Andrew got right to work checking out all the "new to him" toys over Nana and Grandad's house. The weekend was packed with tons of family and friends! Two families that have always been real close with Trey's family were in town for the weekend. They watched the Tennessee game while my SIL and I went out for Pedicures. That was much needed!
Sunday was Trey's going away party. We knew it would be a short trip this time and wanted to give everyone the chance to see him before the deployment without going crazy trying to fit everyone in all week. Luckily, it was nice out and we were all able to spend a lot of time outside. The kids loved it!
Monday, the three of us, plus Nana, and Melissa, Reagan and Addyson (Trey's sister and nieces) all packed up and went to the zoo. That was a blast! Addy and Drew are exactly 7 months apart and they just LOVE each other! It's so sweet to see! I wish I could put pictures of them up together, but I have to respect their privacy.. I guess. Outings like the zoo are getting to be so much fun! We are loving seeing the world through Andrew's eyes! So glad Trey got to do this with him before he leaves. And thanks to Nana and Gdad we have a year pass to the zoo... lots of fun to come!!
I have no pictures from Tuesday, but in the morning, my brother Charlie came and picked Andrew up. He works at an airbase in town and wanted to show Drew the jets. Let me tell you... we're still hearing all about that! He had a blast and I think Charlie has a fun day date anytime he wants one once we get back. Tuesday night we went to my parents house for dinner. Lots of fun playing outside in the leaves. They are so great with him and I couldn't be more grateful for that. You can just tell they want him around desperately and he should have no doubt where he stands in their world! He knew exactly where he was. When my mom pulled into the neighborhood with him, he said, "we're herreeeee". He remembered from three months ago. It was reaffirming for Trey. He feels really good in leaving us in their arms while he is gone :)
Wednesday morning, Trey's parents had a playground installed in their yard. I know, right? These kids are spoiled. They couldn't get out there fast enough. I thought Andrew looked like SUCH a big boy!!
And that night of course, was Halloween! Andrew was Geo from Team Umizoomi. That's his favorite all time show and he goes around pretending he is Geo half the time, so we made it happen. Well, really my friend Nancy made it happen, but still...
He did SO WELL Trick-or-Treating!! Talked like such a big boy. Said "trick-or-treat" to everyone, only picked one piece of candy and was sure to say his thank you's. We were pretty proud of his sweet mannerism, won't lie!
So all in all, it was great. Trey got lots of time with his family. His Grandfather even flew in for a few days, which was very important to Trey. He got to see everyone, really, and it all went so smoothly! (Minus our good friends, The McRoy's, who were all down with something and we appreciate them not sharing their germs ;) )
We are back now and still have a few days to enjoy together before Trey goes back to work. We're trying to take it easy, but starting to get stuff into storage as well. I worked hard organizing all the junk in the garage yesterday while Trey did a practice run with the stuff going in my van for the trip home. Tomorrow he plans to get the guest bedroom into the storage unit.
We have 27 days left together as a family and plan to make the most out of every second!
It was a good visit! We got into town Friday, late afternoon, and Andrew got right to work checking out all the "new to him" toys over Nana and Grandad's house. The weekend was packed with tons of family and friends! Two families that have always been real close with Trey's family were in town for the weekend. They watched the Tennessee game while my SIL and I went out for Pedicures. That was much needed!
Sunday was Trey's going away party. We knew it would be a short trip this time and wanted to give everyone the chance to see him before the deployment without going crazy trying to fit everyone in all week. Luckily, it was nice out and we were all able to spend a lot of time outside. The kids loved it!
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| It may torturous for Andrew to stop playing for a second, but I wanted a picture with my boy! |
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| These are Trey's best friends going back all the way to 9th grade. It's so great to see them all together with kids and all! |
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| And here's my family, minus my youngest brother... he had to work |
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| The best of friends lately... it's been pretty awesome |
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| Here you have Trey taking advantage of not needing to shave :) |
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| I broke the rules since you can't see Addy's face, but they held hands like this almost the whole time. |
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| He could not get enough of this, which shocked us! He would of sat there all day if we had let him! |
Wednesday morning, Trey's parents had a playground installed in their yard. I know, right? These kids are spoiled. They couldn't get out there fast enough. I thought Andrew looked like SUCH a big boy!!
So all in all, it was great. Trey got lots of time with his family. His Grandfather even flew in for a few days, which was very important to Trey. He got to see everyone, really, and it all went so smoothly! (Minus our good friends, The McRoy's, who were all down with something and we appreciate them not sharing their germs ;) )
We are back now and still have a few days to enjoy together before Trey goes back to work. We're trying to take it easy, but starting to get stuff into storage as well. I worked hard organizing all the junk in the garage yesterday while Trey did a practice run with the stuff going in my van for the trip home. Tomorrow he plans to get the guest bedroom into the storage unit.
We have 27 days left together as a family and plan to make the most out of every second!
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