Day 5 - How hopeless does that sound? Especially since I don't know how many days we have. I won't dwell on how badly this sucks, how nothing could have prepared me for this (no matter how well I thought I was prepared), how it feels like I may have an ulcer by the end of it, or how many times a day I look at my phone checking to see if I somehow missed a call/email/fb message from him. No. I won't focus on any of that.
I'll let you know that we're hanging in there. We're both pretty settled at my parents house. I feel very much at home and I think it's safe to say Andrew does as well. He has a definite separation in his head about his and Mama's house and Daddy's house. I can't begin to guess what a 2-year old understands in this situation. He knows he is far away working and helping people, but I also think he still thinks Daddy is at our old house too.
I've decided I have sensory issues since being here. My brother drives me crazy when he eats his ice cream 5 out of 7 nights a week. The slurping, spoon clanging and jaw cracking. They watch crazy movies like Cast Away... if I hear water sploshing around for one more second I'm going to jump from the roof. The dog and her licking/scratching. It's all just too much. But when the sounds get overwhelming, I can just go up to my room. It's nice to have my own little space in a house with all these noises.
Trey sent videos of himself reading to Andrew along with the books for us to follow along. We've gotten to listen to him read for the last two nights and it's been great. Andrew's a little confused, but for the most part it's such a great thing! The smile on his face is priceless while he's listening to him. He just thinks Trey can hear him talk back to him and I have to explain that he cannot. We'll get there though!
Christmas had it's tough moments, but overall was a great day. Andrew was so much fun this year. It was a little overwhelming for him, so we did have to take it slow. We didn't finish opening presents until almost bedtime! He now has way too many toys.
I'm so ready to be done with this pregnancy. I won't go into all the details, but we can just leave it at I'm extremely uncomfortable. I'm ready to meet this sweet boy. Yet another reason I'm thankful to be with my family! They are such a great help with Andrew!
So, to sum it up, because I feel like this is a jumbled mess, we're okay. I'd kill for more reliable communication. I would give anything for a broken up, horribly connected, 3 minute long conversation. I miss him like crazy. It feels like it will never end. But I'm busy. And Andrew keeps me smiling every day. And I'm enjoying living with my family.
I'm going to set goals for myself once the baby gets here. I'll set big ones and smaller ones so I have something to help mark the time. I just have to come up with them :) It's fun putting together care packages, so that helps too!
I hope you all had a great Christmas! I hope to get back to more regular, positive blogging soon!!
December 27, 2012
December 12, 2012
Cuts Like a Knife (this is a doozy of a post)
Hey civilians, want to know how crappy your health care will be once we move to a socialized medical world? Go visit an Army doctor.
While such a broad statement may not be completely fair, in my circumstances right now, I can say that. Let's get into my story of the day...
As we all know, I've moved away from Fort Bliss and am now living with my parents in a town that while it does have an Army post, it's just a training post and doesn't have the big amenities the larger places have. Basically, all that means is that I had to get a referral to see a civilian OB and get to deliver at a normal hospital.
Today, I met with my new doctor for the first time and SERIOUSLY??? I didn't know what I was missing. I had no idea that the level of care that I received today even existed.
Here's what I'm used to...
5 minute long appointments that consist of this same dialog every. single. time.
Nurse (N): Do you have a history of anxiety or depression?
N: Do you have thoughts of killing or hurting yourself or others?
N: Does your husband abuse you mentally or physically?
Blah blah blah. You'll have to answer questions that should be clearly stated in your records every single time you go in there.
Then they'll listen to the babies heartbeat and say, "sounds good". You'll have to ask what the heart rate was and she'll give you somewhat of a range... never an exact number.
The doctor will come in and glance over your charts. She'll ask you if you have any concerns. Then she'll tell you when to come back and your donezo. Make sure you bring a list of questions because you won't remember them when they make you feel so rushed to get the hell out of their office.
Here's what I got today...
The lady at the front desk recognized me immediately. She knew exactly who I was even though I was in there only once... over a week ago.. for a total of 5 minutes tops.
My mom and I walked back when we were called, thinking it was just the nurse, when in reality it was an angel from God telling me she was going to give me an Ultrasound! Just because! She spent so much time with us and even switched it over to 3D occasionally to let us really see him. Of course, he had his hand spread across his face, so we never did see any facial features, but that's not her fault.
Next, I had my vitals taken where.... get this... there was a urine sample collected. Do y'all know that I have never once had to pee in a cup while pregnant. I didn't even know that was a thing until a recent conversation with my SIL. When I asked my Army doc about it, she said they figured that was a good way to cut back on costs. Ohh... okay.
Then we met with my saint of a doctor, who probably took up a half hour of his day just talking with me. He cared about what was going on in my life, wanted to know where I came from before getting here. He actually really read those things called records and didn't need to ask me unnecessary questions. He saw that I had a horrific birth with Andrew and when he didn't get enough answers from said records, he put them down and told me to tell him all about it. Then gave me tissues while I cried in his office. Then, and most importantly, he was honest with me.
He told me how likely the complications we had last time were to happen all over again. He told me he wouldn't be comfortable helping us with a natural birth and would, in fact, actually be scared for me and the baby.
He asked me how I would feel about scheduling a C-Section. (Hence the title). And not because he regularly pushes them or because he wants to fit me conveniently into his schedule. But because he took the time to go over our case and wants to help us do what is best of us. And because he saw how anxious I was over the same things happening with Wes.
Our last hospital wasn't very forthcoming with information about Andrew's birth... I learn something new all the time. What I learned this time, from looking at the records I had to request, was that Andrew was stuck in the birth canal because his shoulder couldn't make it past my pubic bone (sorry I had to use the word pubic, but there was no way around it). And while they let him sit there and try to work it out on his own for an hour, I also had a pretty bad fever. I don't know that it'll ever truly sink in how close we were to losing him. I can't do that with this baby. It's technical term is Shoulder Dystocia and can be deadly for the baby. And if it happens once, it's likely to happen again.
Why did no one tell me about this? And why was this hospital going to let me go through it all over again? Same place, same doctors. Really?
So, C-Section it is for me! We'll get it scheduled at my next appointment, but it looks like it'll be done January 31st. How weird will it be to know when my baby is coming?? I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. While a c-sec comes with it's own set of concerns, they are concerns for myself.. not my baby. And that?? The fact that I'm not worried about losing this baby anymore? Is worth it's weight in gold!
I'd love any tips from any of y'all that have had c-sections! Any recovery tips or even just what to expect before/during/after the procedure would be great!
While such a broad statement may not be completely fair, in my circumstances right now, I can say that. Let's get into my story of the day...
As we all know, I've moved away from Fort Bliss and am now living with my parents in a town that while it does have an Army post, it's just a training post and doesn't have the big amenities the larger places have. Basically, all that means is that I had to get a referral to see a civilian OB and get to deliver at a normal hospital.
Today, I met with my new doctor for the first time and SERIOUSLY??? I didn't know what I was missing. I had no idea that the level of care that I received today even existed.
Here's what I'm used to...
5 minute long appointments that consist of this same dialog every. single. time.
Nurse (N): Do you have a history of anxiety or depression?
N: Do you have thoughts of killing or hurting yourself or others?
N: Does your husband abuse you mentally or physically?
Blah blah blah. You'll have to answer questions that should be clearly stated in your records every single time you go in there.
Then they'll listen to the babies heartbeat and say, "sounds good". You'll have to ask what the heart rate was and she'll give you somewhat of a range... never an exact number.
The doctor will come in and glance over your charts. She'll ask you if you have any concerns. Then she'll tell you when to come back and your donezo. Make sure you bring a list of questions because you won't remember them when they make you feel so rushed to get the hell out of their office.
Here's what I got today...
The lady at the front desk recognized me immediately. She knew exactly who I was even though I was in there only once... over a week ago.. for a total of 5 minutes tops.
My mom and I walked back when we were called, thinking it was just the nurse, when in reality it was an angel from God telling me she was going to give me an Ultrasound! Just because! She spent so much time with us and even switched it over to 3D occasionally to let us really see him. Of course, he had his hand spread across his face, so we never did see any facial features, but that's not her fault.
 |
| Sweet little ear and his arm covering his face |
Then we met with my saint of a doctor, who probably took up a half hour of his day just talking with me. He cared about what was going on in my life, wanted to know where I came from before getting here. He actually really read those things called records and didn't need to ask me unnecessary questions. He saw that I had a horrific birth with Andrew and when he didn't get enough answers from said records, he put them down and told me to tell him all about it. Then gave me tissues while I cried in his office. Then, and most importantly, he was honest with me.
He told me how likely the complications we had last time were to happen all over again. He told me he wouldn't be comfortable helping us with a natural birth and would, in fact, actually be scared for me and the baby.
He asked me how I would feel about scheduling a C-Section. (Hence the title). And not because he regularly pushes them or because he wants to fit me conveniently into his schedule. But because he took the time to go over our case and wants to help us do what is best of us. And because he saw how anxious I was over the same things happening with Wes.
Our last hospital wasn't very forthcoming with information about Andrew's birth... I learn something new all the time. What I learned this time, from looking at the records I had to request, was that Andrew was stuck in the birth canal because his shoulder couldn't make it past my pubic bone (sorry I had to use the word pubic, but there was no way around it). And while they let him sit there and try to work it out on his own for an hour, I also had a pretty bad fever. I don't know that it'll ever truly sink in how close we were to losing him. I can't do that with this baby. It's technical term is Shoulder Dystocia and can be deadly for the baby. And if it happens once, it's likely to happen again.
Why did no one tell me about this? And why was this hospital going to let me go through it all over again? Same place, same doctors. Really?
So, C-Section it is for me! We'll get it scheduled at my next appointment, but it looks like it'll be done January 31st. How weird will it be to know when my baby is coming?? I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. While a c-sec comes with it's own set of concerns, they are concerns for myself.. not my baby. And that?? The fact that I'm not worried about losing this baby anymore? Is worth it's weight in gold!
I'd love any tips from any of y'all that have had c-sections! Any recovery tips or even just what to expect before/during/after the procedure would be great!
December 5, 2012
Settling In
Well we've been in town for only 4 days and I have to say, I'm happy with where we are already. Everything has been going as smoothly as possible:
*Andrew and I are both registered with the hospital on post and have a family doctor assigned to us.
*My referral for an OB has gone through.
*I have an OB picked out and have my first appointment next week.
*My brother got back into town with my van and all of our belongings! This made our move so much more real feeling. The fact that we're here for a long time is still trying to sink it's way into my brain. For the most part, it still feels like any other visit, but now that we have all of our stuff, it's much more real.
*A lot of it is put away and organized. My clothes are all in the closet, Andrew's bed is put together and his toys and books are all in his playroom.
*Andrew is figuring out that we're here to stay. He's not sadly asking me to go back to Andrew's house. If I ask him if this is his home, he'll say yes, and even say so on his own a few times a day. This started yesterday and let me tell you, that takes a lot of the break out of my heart!
*I'm figuring out where the little things like cutting boards, strainers and baking pans go. This seems like a little thing, I'm sure, but it makes me feel more at home. You know how it is when you are visiting at someone else's house and you try to empty the dishwasher for them, but you don't know where anything goes? Yeah, I hate that. The more at home I'm getting, the more I feel like I can contribute.
*I'm starting to put my feelers out there for any mom groups I can join. I'd like to join some sort of MOPS group... I think it would be a good move. I'll need stuff to keep me busy and things to look forward to.
As I suspected, the act of actually leaving Fort Bliss and Trey was a lot harder than being away. Does that make sense? We certainly miss Trey and our friends, but there is a lot going on here... well a lot of people here.. to keep us going. This part of it is harder on Trey. He's stuck in this limbo where Andrew and I aren't there, so there is no one to come home to, and he's just waiting to leave. I really think it'll be easier for him once he's actually over there.
So, that's about all we have going on for now. I'm looking forward to getting together with friends, doing a little shopping a crafting with my mom this weekend, and possibly going to see Lights at the Zoo. I think it's going to start getting a little chilly around here so I'm off to think of some Christmas crafts I can do with Andrew... we have to have some purpose to our day or they will drag out!
*Andrew and I are both registered with the hospital on post and have a family doctor assigned to us.
*My referral for an OB has gone through.
*I have an OB picked out and have my first appointment next week.
*My brother got back into town with my van and all of our belongings! This made our move so much more real feeling. The fact that we're here for a long time is still trying to sink it's way into my brain. For the most part, it still feels like any other visit, but now that we have all of our stuff, it's much more real.
*A lot of it is put away and organized. My clothes are all in the closet, Andrew's bed is put together and his toys and books are all in his playroom.
*Andrew is figuring out that we're here to stay. He's not sadly asking me to go back to Andrew's house. If I ask him if this is his home, he'll say yes, and even say so on his own a few times a day. This started yesterday and let me tell you, that takes a lot of the break out of my heart!
*I'm figuring out where the little things like cutting boards, strainers and baking pans go. This seems like a little thing, I'm sure, but it makes me feel more at home. You know how it is when you are visiting at someone else's house and you try to empty the dishwasher for them, but you don't know where anything goes? Yeah, I hate that. The more at home I'm getting, the more I feel like I can contribute.
*I'm starting to put my feelers out there for any mom groups I can join. I'd like to join some sort of MOPS group... I think it would be a good move. I'll need stuff to keep me busy and things to look forward to.
As I suspected, the act of actually leaving Fort Bliss and Trey was a lot harder than being away. Does that make sense? We certainly miss Trey and our friends, but there is a lot going on here... well a lot of people here.. to keep us going. This part of it is harder on Trey. He's stuck in this limbo where Andrew and I aren't there, so there is no one to come home to, and he's just waiting to leave. I really think it'll be easier for him once he's actually over there.
So, that's about all we have going on for now. I'm looking forward to getting together with friends, doing a little shopping a crafting with my mom this weekend, and possibly going to see Lights at the Zoo. I think it's going to start getting a little chilly around here so I'm off to think of some Christmas crafts I can do with Andrew... we have to have some purpose to our day or they will drag out!
December 2, 2012
A New Beginning
Pardon the absence! Life has been crazy and while I have had the urge to write, I didn't want to keep writing about the only thing that was swimming through my mind - a temporary life without Trey. Thoughts around him.. or the lack of him... were constantly swimming through my head and it wouldn't have made for any fresh blog posts. I had talked about it so much already and there's only so many ways you can say the same thing.
Anyways - The day I'd been dreading has come and gone. Trey is still in the states. Of course, very shortly after I bought our plane tickets home, they pushed his date out a good bit further. He'll still be gone before Christmas, but we could have gotten more QT with him. No sense in focusing on that though.
Yesterday, I gathered up all the courage I could possibly muster and got on a plane to SC. I'm pretty sure it was the hardest thing I've had to do thus far in life. I'm going to miss him something fierce, but to see the man you love say goodbye to your son with tears in his eyes... heart wrenching. I chickened out and made my brother take us to the airport instead of Trey. I'm convinced that was for the best. I couldn't handle it. When you can't hold it together in front of your baby and he's asking Daddy why Mama looks so sad... not good. This way I was able to have that 5 minutes or so to pull myself together before having to travel all day with him.
It was awful and I'll never forget Trey's face as we were pulling away, but we're here now and we're getting used to our new normal. I was able to hold it together until seeing my parents at the airport. I'm guessing it was my strength as a mama shining through that got us here, but we did really well!
Andrew's having a good time playing, but he does keep asking to go back to his own house. Not really sure how we're handling that yet and I'm really NOT looking forward to when he realizes he misses his Daddy. Until Trey actually leaves, I'm not sure that it will truly sink in for me. Right now, it just feels like any other visit home. We can text all day and call each other whenever we want. I think this will be a good transition though.
In the meantime, we'll just be settling in! I'll be busy getting Andrew used to the fact that he lives here, meeting my OB and transferring over to Tricare South, learning which cabinets the strainers go in and getting used to our new normal. I finally feel like I can respond to texts and emails without crying, so if I've ignored you at all, I promise I won't for long!
 |
| Jaci Greggs Photography |
Yesterday, I gathered up all the courage I could possibly muster and got on a plane to SC. I'm pretty sure it was the hardest thing I've had to do thus far in life. I'm going to miss him something fierce, but to see the man you love say goodbye to your son with tears in his eyes... heart wrenching. I chickened out and made my brother take us to the airport instead of Trey. I'm convinced that was for the best. I couldn't handle it. When you can't hold it together in front of your baby and he's asking Daddy why Mama looks so sad... not good. This way I was able to have that 5 minutes or so to pull myself together before having to travel all day with him.
 |
| Jaci Greggs Photography |
Andrew's having a good time playing, but he does keep asking to go back to his own house. Not really sure how we're handling that yet and I'm really NOT looking forward to when he realizes he misses his Daddy. Until Trey actually leaves, I'm not sure that it will truly sink in for me. Right now, it just feels like any other visit home. We can text all day and call each other whenever we want. I think this will be a good transition though.
In the meantime, we'll just be settling in! I'll be busy getting Andrew used to the fact that he lives here, meeting my OB and transferring over to Tricare South, learning which cabinets the strainers go in and getting used to our new normal. I finally feel like I can respond to texts and emails without crying, so if I've ignored you at all, I promise I won't for long!
 |
| Jaci Greggs Photography |
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