May 24, 2012

Good and Bad Days

Just as a warning up front - I'm going to try not to get all TMI (and I don't think it will be too bad), but I am going to talk about things like my empty uterus and trying to fill it. So if you'd rather not hear about that sort of thang, you know what to do :)

As most of you know, my husband and I would very much like baby #2 (does that sound better than using the "trying" phrase?). I guess I should say baby #3. We lost baby #2 very early on. Again, most of you know this, but just for the sake of telling the story, and new followers, there it is again.
After losing the baby and going through all of the ups and downs of the intense emotions, we decided that we didn't want to wait to go for it again. I have always just gotten pregnant when I thought about it too hard, so I assumed that's how it would be again. Well, not so much. I know I've only had two opportunities, and others have had to wait much, much, MUCH, much longer than that, but this is new to me. And it doesn't look like it's going to get better anytime soon.

My body is all sorts of screwed up. Basically, I thought I knew when.. ahem... things were happening, but I'd have better luck finding a needle in a haystack at this point. I know this happens to so many people. So, if you know.. is this normal? Not being regular for a while?

I have my good and bad days with coming to the realization that I may not get pregnant before my husband deploys. Yeah, we also have a timeline to deal with here. Some days I'm good. I can look at the positives. Those being:
I can REALLY get my body where it needs to be to have a healthy pregnancy.
I can take the deployment time to get better, quality time with Andrew that I wouldn't have if I did get pregnant.
Trey would be around for everything. Pregnancy and birth and at least the first year of said baby's life.
It would be easier to fly home for visits during the deployment. If I had another baby, I don't know that I would go home at all.
It would be an easier deployment. Period.

Then I have my bad days. Most of the time brought on by the news of someone else becoming pregnant (Disclosure: If you're reading this, and you are one of those people, please don't read too much into that. And please don't ever not tell me because you're afraid to hurt me. I'm happy for all of you, I really am. Others' good news is just a reminder though of what I want for my family. It is what it is). And while one minute I can be so very okay with where we are, I can crumble into a million pieces and not be okay what-so-ever with what we don't have. I can become crippled with fear and grief. So here is what scares me if it doesn't happen before Trey leaves:
The difference in ages. I want my kids to be close in age. If we have to wait until he gets back, at best they will be between 3.5 to 4 years a part. At best.
My age. At best I'll be 31 when I have our next. I know that's not decrepit, but again, not what I wanted.
What if it never happens? What if I never can give Andrew a sibling or Trey another child.
What if he doesn't come back? (dark, I know, but that's kind of impossible for me not to think about.)

So that's where I am. My good days and bad. I find that I'm having my better days when I'm praying about it and putting my trust in the Lord. I need almost daily reminders that my plans are terrible compared with His.


Kristy said...

First of all: Many, many, many hugs, my friend! (And I'll be sure to give you some in person the next time I see you!) I know it's easy to say (and probably not easy to hear), but I truly believe that you have to trust in God's plan. He knows exactly what we need in our lives and when we need them. Lots of people are praying for you. And remember that God is on your side!!! (Plus, please don't think that 31 is anywhere near decrepit ... I'm popping this next kid out at 32 and 11/12 flippin. years. old! Eek!)

Tori said...

Remember a time and a place for everything. I love you!

Jenn said...

I know how badly you want this, and I know that the deployment timeline can only serve to make thing more stressful for you. I also know that there's nothing I can say to make it any easier for you, but I do want you to know that I'm praying! You text (or call! whatever you're comfortable with!) me anytime you're having a dark day ok? I'm sure we can come up with something to help distract you for a while and maybe make that day a little easier.

Just Ask Beth said...

this deserves a phone call...seriously!

Mel said...

i just want to say i'm sorry for what you are going through. thank you for being so honest in your posts, i'm having so many similar thoughts as we had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago at 18 weeks. this is hard stuff, go easy on yourself. sending up big prayers for you.

Real love stories have no endings said...

I <3 you! Praying for you and I cannot wait until JULY :)