October 5, 2011

Overwhelmed

I may have set a new record for myself. Longest days straight without blogging? Possibly! It feels like it.

I was doing so well there for a while. I have a section in my super awesome organization binder just for blogging. So I always have a place to jot down ideas when they come to me. (Because after three years of blogging.. almost going on 4 I think(!!)... that's how my brain works. Blog worthy or non-blog worthy events). I have a schedule set up and I usually have so many ideas in my head that, on Sundays I can map out my week of posts. And I mean.. it does get planned out. But you see where that's gotten me.

I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. A lot of it is perceived as worse than it really is, I think, because Andrew has decided that 5am is the ideal time to wake up for the day. Not cool, kid, not cool at all. I've gotten to the point over the past two mornings that I'm just turning the monitor off and let him cry.. not because I'm cruel.. but he's GOT to remember that's it's much more fun to sleep until 6:30. I don't fall back asleep anyways, because I can tell that he's not going to go back to sleep. And we're all out of bed by 5:30 and starting our day. Sounds miserable, doesn't it? It is.

Then, I mean... he's 13 months old. I guess that's the magic number with kids... you know.. the one where they start to get extremely determined to have their way. I know it's normal and I know it comes with the territory. If we were sleeping until a decent hour of the morning, I think I could handle it better. But an exhaustion that coffee can't even kick makes tantrums harder to deal with. It makes it hard to get excited about going outside for the 10th time in one day. Please don't get me wrong.. I love how much he can interact with me now. I love that part of this stage. He's almost walking. He's doing better and better about showing me what he wants. He's so incredibly lovey. Sometimes I feel like we're having real conversations. He laughs so much. But I have to get better at planning actual activities with him. Which I've always been excited to do. Doesn't he realize that if he'd just let me sleep for an extra hour and 1/2, we'd have so much more fun?!
My rope is very thin these days. Gone are the days where I could take him anywhere I pleased and he sits and smiles and let's me do my thing. Ha! Gone are the simple days at the Grocery store. Gone are the days where he'd basically do anything I wanted him to do. The nerve of him to have an opinion of his own!
So.. we fight battles daily. I win some, I lose some. Plenty of tears are shed... mostly from him ;) He kicks and screams and yells all of his frustration out multiple times a day. By 4:00 I think I'm going to lose my ever loving mind if I hear one more shriek/cry/scream. Trey comes home and I fight the urge to run out the door while he has it open (kidding, kidding.. kind of). And then it's all forgotten the second he says, "mama" in that sweet little voice. Or cuddles up to me to read. Or hugs his dog or glow worm. Or even better.. me.

I know this is just a season. Can you tell that I have to tell myself that a lot? I have less and less time for myself, but I know that's only going to diminish even more so. I'll be okay with that eventually. I'm just having a hard time balancing all my roles. Wife. Mother. Friend. Daughter. Between wife and mother... I'm really, really slacking at being a good friend. Any free time I get that's not used on Andrew goes to trying to keep my house in some sort of an order. My poor friends! I can't tell you how many emails have sat there.. unanswered. I do good to answer a text message the day after I get it. I've been a huge flake all around and even screwed up with a play date. I feel terrible.

I know I will sort everything out. I'll adjust. I'll be able to balance everything better. I know I need to MAKE time for myself. To get to PWOC (I didn't make it this morning and it crushed me), to blog (I NEED to blog), to.. ya know.. have a conversation with a friend (If I have any left ;)  )

So bear with me. If anyone has figured toddlers and time management out, feel free to leave me your magic tips!

4 comments:

Kristy said...

Please don't feel guilty about anything (especially a missed playdate!!!). You are doing an awesome job, Mama!!! I've found it takes me a while to find MY groove once the boy starts a new phase, and I'm sure it's the same with you! Hang in there and give me a call if you ever need a break! HUUUUUUGS, my friend!

Just Ask Beth said...

sleep deprivation is horrible!! Maybe you should take a nap when he does..if you can, to catch up and refresh! just make sure you don't cave into his screams too much because you are sick of hearing him cry..I did it with one of mine and sheesh, she was a whiny toddler when she didn't get her way. She still cries if things aren't aligned perfectly! You are a good mother..your friends will certainly understand.. maybe one day a week when Trey gets home you should meet a friend for DECAF!!

C. E. Welch said...

Let's trade. I'll take your baby and you take my puppy. Just for a couple hours. Give us each a break :)

You know your friends are still here. We all understand what you're going through and will be here for you.

JG said...

You do what you gotta do, girl. Like C. said, we all understand and will always be here.