August 18, 2011

Emotions - Looking back

I'm sure that everyone that knows me in real life is just about sick of hearing me talk about this... but I'm really confused about where the time has gone in this past year. Do I really have a toddler? Almost.

I'm having a bit of a hard time.. emotionally. Most people look back on the day of their child's birth and remember it as the happiest, best day of their lives. It's natural for me to keep looking back on that day around this time, but for me, it was the absolute WORST day of my life. I had never been so upset. So scared. So helpless. Over the period of 9 months (or longer) I looked forward to meeting my sweet boy.. then the moment came and it was nothing like I envisioned. I held him for not even a second before he was taken away. I didn't hear that first shrill cry. I heard silence and doctors rushing around. I barely knew what he looked like. He was taken to a different hospital and I was able to "spend some time with him" if you can call it that, on his third day of life.

This time takes me back to the uncertainty. Uncertain of what was going to happen to our baby. Would he ever make it home to us? Would there be permanent damage of any sort? A time where I can't put the amount of despair and sadness into words. I came home with an empty belly and had no baby to fill the empty bassinet that was ready.. right next to the bed I now had to sleep in. With no baby to wake me up at night.

I made the mistake of looking back at old blog posts this morning (which is where most of this is coming from).. and read this. I blocked so much of this out. But here it is in black and white to take me right back to that moment in time:
My little monkey is doing better and better by the day. Thank you so so much for all of your kind words and prayers.. keep them up.. they really are making a difference!

He is no longer dependent on a breathing tube. They took the big one out. He still has a little help through a tube is his nose, but he is doing all of the work himself.
He doesn't need the Dopamine anymore either. He is completely off of it now and is controlling his blood pressure just fine!
They are feeding him my breast milk through an IV. He has other IVs that are giving him fats and vitamins, but today they are working on uping my milk and lowering the other IVs. We pray that goes really well.

Our biggest concern now is a good bit of shaking we noticed today. It's like he's going into little mini convulsions and I hate to see his poor little body go through it. They did some blood work which came back all clear, and now we're waiting on the doc to read the EEG results.

He's gained almost 2 ounces and now weights 7 lbs and alllmost 8 ounces.

They won't tell me any kind of date that we can take him home of course, but the nurse kind of made it sound like he may be able to come home soon depending on the results of the EEG. I don't know that for sure though, I very well just may have been reading into what she said. I can't help but get my hopes up though. It's very encouraging to see all of the progress that he has made, but it's getting harder and harder to leave there every day without him in our arms. I'm emotionally exhausted! Especially after today...

We went for our first visit this morning. Trey and I were in the room together (they only let 2 in at a time, so grammy had to wait). I was able to take his temperature and Daddy changed his diaper. We weren't in there for much longer before everyone was kicked out since a new baby was being admitted.
We went back for our second visit at 3:00.. this time it was me and Grammy. The nurse told me right away that there was yet another baby being admitted soon so we don't have much time, but she felt comfortable with me holding him since they had him on his side and his hematoma seemed to be doing fine. Music to my ears! I was going to hold my precious baby for the first time!!

She got a chair ready for me to get comfortable in, brought over a blanket to swaddle him in, and left us sitting there for 15 minutes. She comes back... tells Grammy to put the blanket under him when she lifts him up.. the nurse swaddles him.. the walked away for another minute to help another baby (keep in mind there are plenty of other nurses in here the whole time). She comes back just in time to tell me the new baby will be here in 10 minutes and she doesn't feel comfortable with letting me hold Andrew. Not only for a minute???? I ask her. She tells me that's fine, picks him up and bit then sets him back down saying it just wasn't possible today.

Are.You.Kidding.Me??? I bawled. I understand there is nothing they can do if there is another sweet, poor baby that needs to come in, but like I said before, there were other nurses everywhere. Why was is necessary for her to leave us sitting here alone right after she tells a new mom that she is going to be able to hold her baby for the first time 4 days after him being born. I was a wreck.

First time I touched my baby

I forgot about all the tests that were done on him. Forgot about all the waiting. Feeling like they were taking their sweet time with our lives. Feeling utterly helpless. Being played with when it came to holding him for the first time. Forgot about all the tears that were shed on the drives to the hospital and in the hospital itself. Buzzing the door for a nurse to let us in. Scrubbing our hands. Suiting up in the hospital gowns and masks.

But, God was with us. He protected my mind.. the memories. (If it weren't for this blog, I would have forgotten all of these little heart breaking details). He got us through this difficult time. He got our little boy through it. He made Andrew a fighter.

And now look at the three of us. Getting ready to celebrate a year of LIFE. The happiest year of life I've ever experienced. You would never know that he had all of those troubles when he was born. He is thriving and one of the happiest little boys I have ever seen. We are beyond blessed.

7 months old


Sweet Memory Photography said...

My goodness I had no idea when you were going through all of that how close our stories would be.
God protected both of our little boys & 2011 has been so much fun :-)

Jen said...

Wow what a story. He is such a beautiful boy!!

Ashleigh said...

Aaaand I'm crying. What a blessing he is...what a blessing that he is such a strong little guy and all of that was only a brief hiccup is his otherwise joyous first year of life.

Steph said...

What a tear jerker. He's gotten so big.